To ask what to say to my mum? I've upset her.

[incogneto]

I've just told DM that I just want it to be me and DP at the upcoming birth of our DS.

It's what I wanted all along anyway but felt pressure to tell her she could be a birthing partner as family just assumed that anyway. I really want it to be a private experience just me and my partner.

She's very upset and didn't say anything except "okay". She then went to ask had someone tried to change my mind

I told her no, nobody had said anything (they haven't) and this is MY decision and my decision only.

Now she won't speak to me and I don't know what to do! I can't help but feel guilty for telling her she can't be there but it is up to me after all..

She had no right to assume she would be there. You are doing the right thing to insist on having it your way. Start as you mean to go on, and ignore her sulking.

I'm not going to reach out to DM, after all she is the one with the problem.

If she wants to be difficult then so be it. My mind is too occupied anyway without having to pander after somebody else. This should be an exciting time but she is tainting it with her bad attitude.

It’s an entirely personal decision for you to make. I’d have loved my mum to be there, she’d have been a lot more comfort than my useless ex, but it wasn’t an option in the dark ages. She needs to woman up and accept your decision with grace. Please don’t ban her in the days following the birth, though.

Sorry but I think you are being a bit unfair. Not by not wanting your mum there (I didn't either, either time), but by letting it get this late in the pregnancy before setting her straight. If you are due to be induced this weekend then she has spent a good six months if not longer thinking about her role in the birth, supporting you, meeting her grandchild etc. She had a set of expectations based on the information that you were giving her. You have changed your mind, or decided to let her know you weren't totally convinced about the idea, which I think is fine! But she is now readjusting her feelings and expectations. Which is fine too. She didn't go off on one, or try and needle you into changing your mind. Her response was neutral and respectful, I think she is getting a hard time here on AIBU. Also, finding out via text instead of actually talking to her, even on the phone, can't have felt v nice.

Be grown ups the pair of you. Its not about who blinks first like a game, you don't need drama right now! Just say to her "look mum I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by not having you at the birth. It's how I want things to be and I just got swept up in other people's expectations of what would happen. Its a special time and we will love you to be part of it along with us, but as a very special grandma, rather than a birthing partner. Thank you for being understanding and not trying to change my mind." Job done

The way she's reacted makes it clear that she can't put your wishes first or take a back seat and be supportive, and hence that she would have been a terrible birthing partner.

That's probably not what she was INTENDING to show you by throwing a tantrum, but it's what she's actually shown you.

How sad about your mum’s reaction. She sounds high maintenance which is not what you need.

You can initiate contact without an apology, just carry on as normal and that might help take away any awkwardness.

Could you message her to ask if she’s still ok to take you to the hospital on Saturday and if not, you’ll find another option?

If you can fake that everything is normal it might get back to normal more quickly and she’ll have had time to come to terms with her disappointment.

You’re not unreasonable to be changing your mind and wanting it just be you and your dp at the birth. She’s not unreasonable for being disappointed that she won’t be there as she had thought she would be but she is being unreasonable making you feel lousy and unsupported.

Ironically she might be pushing you to lean more on your MIL if she continues to be so emotional and challenging of your choices.

I’m very close to my mum but she wasn’t at the birth of our children. She might have been at the hospital for part of the labour but I don’t really remember. My abiding memory is just of me, my husband and the dr. Both births were the most profound moments of my life. Looking back it was absolutely right that it was just me and my husband there.

It should be your mum’s responsibility to show you all is well but life’s too short, in your shoes I would want to get things back on track ASAP and focus on a calm birth.

If you carry on as normal, she will see that you mean what you say and aren’t letting it become a big issue.

Her reaction in many ways validates your decision. She doesn’t seem very dependable.

But don’t let what’s happened detract from the amazing moments to come, all the best with the birth and hope you can resolve this issue with your mum quickly and not let it fester.

@ASundayWellSpent Nope. It has never been said once by me during this pregnancy until the last 2 weeks that I wanted her to be a birthing partner.

I went to visit her and stepdad and it was mentioned. I stupidly said yes you could go be there as the pair of them assumed that she would be without asking me.

I gave birth in 2003 and 2005 and no one, absolutely no one I knew had their mother present. It seems increasingly common for mothers to pressure their daughters for this and it's outrageous. My DM was so anxious (I had a bad pregnancy and traumatic birth) that she secretly came to the hospital and sat in the car, in the cafe etc and then, when DH needed a break after 32 hours, she just magically appeared and cuddled me then disappeared as soon as he reappeared. With DD DM was at home with DS whilst I gave birth, That is what a DM should offer, anything else is unhelpful.

I don't feel I have been totally awful to her. I have told her basically to be on standby, so there's still a chance that I'll turn round and ask her to come.

I don't know how labour is going to be, I've never experienced it before.

Was all the messaging done by text? If so that’s not ideal, maybe a call to clear the air?

When I picture giving birth and meeting DC for the first time, I only see me and DP being there. Nobody else.

This has been a personal experience for us but she has been included in other ways anyway

I bet she's hoping you'll take pity on her and say "you know what, you're right, can't bear to see you so upset and deep down I really want you there despite what that cunt MIL thinks". You just keep being reasonable. You've not been nasty. You're not playing games or making bad choices. You're just being a perfectly normal person, in stark contrast to mum, who is behaving ridiculously.

It won't change, by the way. Some grandparents really latch on to their grandkids in an unhealthy way. Enforcing boundaries often just makes the situation even more unpleasant as they depend so heavily on the grandchild.

I wish you all the very best for the birth by the way, good luck and enjoy this incredibly special time

Urgh, I absolutely cannot think of anybody worse than my mum to be in the delivery room with me. Luckily she knew that and didn't suggest it. Mind you, I barely wanted DP there, would have been fine with just the professionals.

I'm afraid the trying to get one over on mil will only get worse once a grandchild is here.

My mil sulked like a child when my mum got to visit & see baby first. She stormed away home & when she came in later in the evening, she refused to hold her first grandchild.

She's done many things since which is why I'm now minimal contact with her

Have things your way & nip any nonsense in the bud. Enjoy your baby with your partner - everyone else takes a backseat

@pantsville Yes I think that's what she's expecting but it's definitely not happening. I'm being selfish and thinking about myself and what I want.

Thank you for your good luck wishes

Please don't feel bad about this, you have enough to worry about at the moment! Honestly, for me there was nothing more special than that period of time after our son was born, when it was just the three of us, overwhelmed with love for this amazing little person that we had created. You won't ever get that time back, so it's important that you get what you want.

I know my mum was upset that I didn't ask her to be at the birth of my son, as we're really close, and I know she'd have loved to have been there. However, she never let on for a second that she was upset, and didn't make me feel bad about it at all. As it happens, I ended up with an emergency C-section, so she wouldn't have been able to be there anyway! I'm having another C-section next week, which I've known all along so there was never any doubt this time that it would just be me and DH.

Could you just say that you don't think it's fair on your MIL if your mum gets to experience the birth and she doesn't? Even if that's not true, it's a valid excuse!

@bumblebee1987 yes that's exactly what I want. That time after birth just the three of us. I am very aware that it's time we will never get back, this is why I am standing firm and saying no to her being the second birthing partner. I refuse to put other people's needs before my own, it may sound a little selfish but it's true.

If I mentioned MIL all hell would likely break loose so I'm not even going to bother

Aw, unlike everyone else, I feel a little bit sorry for your Mum. The mistake you made was saying 'yes' at the beginning but you know that! Of course it's up to you but she was probably thrilled at the prospect of being by your side at such a special time and is now dreadfully disappointed. Be gentle with her and let her get over the disappointment for a bit.
I only have one DD and I know that if she was going to give birth I would dearly love to be there to support her...after all, she will always be my 'baby'!!

Your baby, your bits, your birth. NOBODY has the right to be there unless you want them - not even the baby’s dad. That’s the beginning and end of the story. Well done for not entertaining any nonsense!
I will be having my mum with me, but only because my DP is a fainter and likely to be a liability. Mum totally understands how it works though and she has said as soon as baby is out of me she is out of there to fetch DP and let us have our first moments as a new family.

Your mum has a few days to have a reality check. Sure she will be a lovely gran when the time comes - AFTER the birth and not before

I know my mum changed my nappies at one point in my life, but no way would I want her staring at my bits as an adult!

Simply tell her that at the time you discussed it, it seemed okay, but as times gone on you find yourself wanting more privacy at such a vulnerable time.
If she doesn't like your partner, I think it's better putting it that way that making your partner somehow privileged over here (even though of course he should be!)

DP was lovely bless him and understood when I told him at first that DM would be there. He would have been willing to put his differences aside for me. Sometimes I don't understand what she has against him.

He's been nothing but lovely to her and he's never done anything to hurt me but still she says things about him behind his back to me, which makes me feel so conflicted.

Wow I've read some of your other threads too you're really getting it from all sides!

Being induced is not easy or straightforward and as its your first pregnancy and a planned induction there must be a good medical reason for it.

I was in Labour 28 hours with an unplanned induction for preeclampsia ending in an emcs (for a rare genetic reason unlikely to affect you).

I'm a very private person with things like this, I can't be doing with having to reassure others when I'm in pain or stressed about a health issue. You sound similar.

It's also not something the healthcare staff need to be mithered about either they've enough to do!

At this point I think you and dp need to present a string united front to the whole family and basically tell them to bog off and stop bothering you until you ask them to visit.

You're getting pestered and inconvenienced by several family members Iirc and dp hasn't been firm or clear enough with his side.

Enough's enough they need to leave you in peace and stop causing you unnecessary stress. I'm sure that's not helping matters medically either.

Good luck with it all.

Argh blooming autocorrect

STRONG united front that should read of course

Thank you @Graphista ❤️

Yes, the last couple of weeks have been tough but I have really had enough now of tolerating other people's bullshit.

I'm going to have a chat with DP when he comes in from work. I totally want us to be on the same page in preparation for what's coming. I know he will understand as I broke down last night in tears and told him I'd had enough at this point.

We need to now to enjoy what will be the most exciting time of our lives and forget about everyone else in the meantime.

You just need to text her that you were put on the spot when you agreed for her to be your birthing partner and that, on reflection, you just want it to be you and your partner welcoming your baby into the world.

If she can't accept this and gives you the silent treatment then you probably have more to worry about in the future from her behaviour.

Hopefully she will come around in a couple of days and be supportive. She may think your partner is against her and be worrying about her future relationship with them and, consequently, you.