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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to contribute towards the decor of my boyfriends house?

191 replies

Anonfornow1 · 23/04/2019 15:11

I (33F)am moving in to my boyfriends (36M) new house. He has just purchased it solely in his name.
I will be paying rent, but below market rates and saving approx £350 a month on top of what I pay in my current rented flat with my sister.
I've been really looking forward to moving in and making it our home. He has already chosen paint colours, curtains, sofa himself without asking my opinion. They aren't my preferred choice but I suppose if it's his property and he is paying then fair enough. Things got a bit heated today when he told me he had ordered and chosen some new blinds for the house. I said 'is this house going to be entirely your taste then?' a bit tongue in cheek and he said 'yes of course, its my house'. It's upset me as I assumed that if I was living there with him that he would see it as 'our' home, if he saw any kind of a future with me. I'm really into interiors and love nesting and building a lovely home and is genuinely something I really am passionate about. To what extent would you expect to have a say in a house that you didn't technically owned but lived in with your boyfriend? I asked if I wanted to buy a sofa cushion or a new duvet set, for example, would I at least be able to do that and he said 'we'll see'. AIBU expecting to have a say in the place I live and the way it looks or is it a case of his house his taste?

OP posts:
BlessedFox · 23/04/2019 15:13

Hmmm. Tricky one. I’d say that if he was considerate then he would want you to be happy with the decor. However if you aren’t paying towards it then it is his prerogative.

Have you offered to contribute?

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2019 15:13

He doesn't sound very welcoming. He also sounds like a bit of an arsehole. Is he normally?

Queenunikitty · 23/04/2019 15:14

I wouldn’t be moving in and contributing to his mortgage payments to be honest. Doesn’t seem like he sees a long term future for your relationship.

HilaryBriss · 23/04/2019 15:14

If he saw it as 'your' home, wouldn't it have been a joint purchase and not just in his name? How come you didn't buy together?

Queenofthestress · 23/04/2019 15:14

I've been with my partner for 2 years, we don't live together but as he spends the most time here with me & the kids, he has an equal say in what goes in the house even though its my house. I want him to be comfortable here so when we do move in together at the end of this year its his home too

RosamundDarnley · 23/04/2019 15:15

It sounds like he sees it as a house share arrangement rather than your home together.

isseywithcats · 23/04/2019 15:15

i would be rethinking moving in it will be like living in a rented house where you cant change anything even the bedding, no way and if hes like its mine now whats he going to be like when you live there will he be doing all the housework, cooking washing cleaning as its "His House" i bet he wont

Didntwanttochangemyname · 23/04/2019 15:15

YABU, it's his home, not yours. He might have asked your opinion, but it's certainly not your decision.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 15:16

How long are you together? I mean I was kind of on the fence all the way through your OP, technically he's right but at the same time you two are a couple so morally (?) it's a bit odd not to give you some say in it

Then I got to this part and I think he's really petty and unfair -

I asked if I wanted to buy a sofa cushion or a new duvet set, for example, would I at least be able to do that and he said 'we'll see'.

Rosesaredead · 23/04/2019 15:17

Not going to lie, it's not a nice attitude of his and it really wouldn't fill me with confidence about the future of the relationship either. It's like he's treating you as a lodger, not someone he is going to build a future with

HappyDinosaur · 23/04/2019 15:18

Very weird to me, yes it's his house, but if you are planning a future together then I would think you'd enjoy turning it into a home together. I'm not an expert but it does seem as if he's not quite sure...

Redshoeblueshoe · 23/04/2019 15:19

I really wouldn't move in. He sees you as a lodger not a partner.

Original poster
Anonfornow1 · 23/04/2019 15:19

We haven't bought together purely because he didn't want to. He is on a high salary and has owned 3 homes previously and thus built up a large deposit over the years whereas being on only 34k a year myself in London it has just never been possible to me to buy on my own. I think he just sees it as he has worked hard to get to this point and doesnt need my contribution (which wouldnt be much) and he would be losing out from buying together....

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 23/04/2019 15:20

It's his home, he's made that clear. But n ok t even entertaining the idea of you buying a cushion or duvet set would have me thinking about whether he sees you moving in as permanent or not.

It does rather feel very like a flatmate situation, not a couple situation.

Chowmum · 23/04/2019 15:20

Honestly? I'd stay where you are and kick him to the kerb. I'm not generally a proponent of LTB, but there doesn't appear to be much to leave.

BlessedFox · 23/04/2019 15:21

I really wouldn't move in. He sees you as a lodger not a partner.

I agree

MaidenMotherCrone · 23/04/2019 15:22

I'd not move in, it is his house not 'your' (as a couple) house. You are not buying together so no you don't get a say. Not nice but there we are.

I'd stay were you are, save up and buy your own house then decorate it as passionately as you like.

BlueMerchant · 23/04/2019 15:22

He doesn't see a future with you.
Most couples would be excitedly choosing things together to furnish their 'home'.
It seems he sees it as a house share with the added bonus of a casual girlfriend who is helping pay the bills.

MariaNovella · 23/04/2019 15:23

He sees you as a lodger, not a partner.

Purpleartichoke · 23/04/2019 15:23

if you aren’t partner’s, then it is probably too early to move in together. Why not just get your own small place nearby and spend lots of time at his place.

TixieLix · 23/04/2019 15:23

If this was a basic rental agreement then I could understand, but presumably your BF has asked you to move in with him so he should at least ask your opinions when decorating so that it suits both your tastes. I think you should be careful because you're going to be paying (admittedly reduced) rent, so in effect contributing to his monthly mortgage payments, but getting nothing back should anything go wrong and you split.

I agree with PP - be interesting to see how he behaves when it comes to household chores and whether it suddenly becomes as much your house when it comes to keeping it clean!

thebabessavedme · 23/04/2019 15:24

I'd leave him to it, he clearly does not see you as a couple, you are just a paying guest (I wonder if he has form for this attitude with ex girlfriends?)

bluebluezoo · 23/04/2019 15:24

So if you are both moving into a new house, why is it in his sole name?

If this is some sort of committed relationship, surely the purchase should have been joint?

It sounds very much like this move is convenient to you both. You save money, he gets someone to share costs —and do all the wifework—

You need to decide whether you want the job as housekeeper/lodger or you want a 50:50 partnership.

In the future do you see yourself getting on the housing ladder? How will you do that?

I’d be looking at buying your own property instead. Even a small flat. In 10 years time he’ll have a house with hefty equity and you’ll still be the lodger.

cakeandchampagne · 23/04/2019 15:24

He has made it very clear. It is not “our” home, it is “his” home.

BlueMerchant · 23/04/2019 15:24

Even though it's in his name if he was serious about you he would be wanting you to choose furnishings and be asking your opinions.