Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to contribute towards the decor of my boyfriends house?

191 replies

Anonfornow1 · 23/04/2019 15:11

I (33F)am moving in to my boyfriends (36M) new house. He has just purchased it solely in his name.
I will be paying rent, but below market rates and saving approx £350 a month on top of what I pay in my current rented flat with my sister.
I've been really looking forward to moving in and making it our home. He has already chosen paint colours, curtains, sofa himself without asking my opinion. They aren't my preferred choice but I suppose if it's his property and he is paying then fair enough. Things got a bit heated today when he told me he had ordered and chosen some new blinds for the house. I said 'is this house going to be entirely your taste then?' a bit tongue in cheek and he said 'yes of course, its my house'. It's upset me as I assumed that if I was living there with him that he would see it as 'our' home, if he saw any kind of a future with me. I'm really into interiors and love nesting and building a lovely home and is genuinely something I really am passionate about. To what extent would you expect to have a say in a house that you didn't technically owned but lived in with your boyfriend? I asked if I wanted to buy a sofa cushion or a new duvet set, for example, would I at least be able to do that and he said 'we'll see'. AIBU expecting to have a say in the place I live and the way it looks or is it a case of his house his taste?

OP posts:
EjectorCrab · 23/04/2019 17:18

You see this as moving in together and living together as a couple,
He sees this as you’re moving in and paying rent.

He can protect his house and ownership of the house and assets legally. He is perfectly entitled to, and should do so. He can do all that and still cohabit and form a strong relationship as a couple. Instead he’s clearly marking his territory and I’m not convinced he wants you there.

Sorry.

HeckyPeck · 23/04/2019 17:18

I will be paying rent, but below market rates

What is market rate for sharing a bed with your landlord, having no tenancy agreement and no tenant’s rights? I’d value that at £0.

As for the rest of it, I agree with PPs who have said he doesn’t see this as a committed relationship.

If you’re happy with a casual relationship with no rights over your home then stay of course, but if you’re looking for a serious, committed relationship where you’re working towards building a life together then this man will not give you this.

ChuckleBuckles · 23/04/2019 17:20

@ Anonfornow1 will you be signing any type of lease for this house with a set amount of rent noted in it? Is anything in writing that if the relationship ends or you are unhappy and decide to buy your own place you will have proof for you bank that you have spent x amount of time paying rent?

As it is "his" house what will the arrangement be if he decides to take in a lodger or rent a spare room? Will you have a say if he decides to host his family for weeks at a time, in that scenario who will be cooking and cleaning for them?

If the roof caves in for whatever reason who will be responsible for pricey repairs?

Basically what I am getting at is that you should protect yourself financially and do not add to the value of the property while technically being just a lodger, do not do extra domestic work of making his home comfier for him at the expense of your own financial future. Think long and hard about this.

PackingSoap · 23/04/2019 17:21

I would seriously reconsider moving into this property.

In my experience, you risk becoming a live-in housekeeper, providing sexual services on top, with no say over your domestic environment whatsoever and no financial share in it .... all for the benefit of saving £350 a month.

EvaHarknessRose · 23/04/2019 17:23

I’m sorry OP, these responses must be hard to read. You are a financially solvent person in a long term partnership and it is not fair for you to have no say over your decor or furniture at all, this will be no way to live. I think you can do better.

BrilliantYou · 23/04/2019 17:24

Hmmm are you moving in together or are you his lodger?

He might not need you financially to buy this house but that's not the point. You are either sharing a home together or not Hmm

BrilliantYou · 23/04/2019 17:28

*He doesn’t see a long term future with you.

Please save hard while you can and get your own place... if the day comes he decides it’s over, you’ll be out, without any claim to anything to do with this property.*

Totally agree work Coffee here. I'd be very careful! If you were a lodger you'd have rights at least

fizzandchips · 23/04/2019 17:31

Difficult responses to read, but a lot of very wise words OP.

thisisthetime · 23/04/2019 17:32

I’d leave him. Dh and I have had 4 properties together and for various financial reasons they have always been in his name. I contribute towards everything and have earned a decent salary though nothing in the region of his. Anyway, he would never treat me like this. Pp are right when they say it’s his final decision but dh and I have always made decorating decisions together even from when I first moved in in your situation. He likes me having a say. Are there any other red flags?

AgentJohnson · 23/04/2019 17:35

It's upset me as I assumed that if I was living there with him that he would see it as 'our' home,

Those commitment phobic tendencies never really went away did they.
I don’t know where you got your assumptions from but he’s made it very clear that he sees your arrangement as a lodger with benefits.

I think it’s time you sat down with him and talked about your expectations about your relationship. I suspect your assumptions were purely wishful thinking and deep down you know that he isn’t on the same page as you.

NameChangeNugget · 23/04/2019 17:35

He really doesn’t sound that bothered about you OP.

You can do better than this man

fruitbrewhaha · 23/04/2019 17:37

So what happens when one evening you want to invite a couple of girlfriends over for a drink? Will he say, "yes of course, I'll go to the gym after work and keep out of your way", or will he say, no.

You want to invite your parents over for lunch? Do you have to ask him for permission?

rosedream · 23/04/2019 17:39

He not building a home with you.

You both could have bought a bigger property together and had shares in the ownership. Eg ownership split 80/20 70/30 depending on how much you have contributed compared to him.

He's not building a future together.

Troels · 23/04/2019 17:43

He wants a lodger with benefits.
He gets you to clean house, do laundry, have sex and share his bed and you pay part of the mortgage with nothing to show for it.

winterinmadeira · 23/04/2019 17:43

Don’t move in. My sister did this. Seven years later she came home with a few black bin bags in the back of her car and nothing else. He got a great house practically paid for and she cooked, cleaned and chauffeured him around. She bitterly regrets it.

hazzysmoozy · 23/04/2019 17:46

Don't move in.

geekone · 23/04/2019 17:50

My DH and I did the same when first moving in together. He “owned” the house and in”rented” so if it didn’t work no harm no foul and he put up the deposit. However we decorated it together paid for things together and made decisions together.

Thankfully I never had to cut and run and now we both own our house. You have to be comfortable enough to live there not just stay there.

timeisnotaline · 23/04/2019 17:58

It’s not cheaper rent. It’s very expensive rent for no standard renters rights. I rent, I can buy whatever furnishings I want, throw anything out, rearrange things, put pictures up. I have a notice period. The op doesn’t have any of this. If you do go ahead op you need to negotiate your ‘rent’ right down to reflect your rights.
I too am interested to see if he thinks her cooking dinner once a week and doing her own laundry is a geneerous contribution to household upkeep or if the chores are supposed to be equal.

Graphista · 23/04/2019 18:06

"We haven't bought together purely because he didn't want to."

He absolutely doesn't see your relationship as permanent, I suspect he doesn't think it will last more than a few years actually.

Who's idea was it to move in together? Be honest with yourself if not us, but again I suspect it was your idea and he's actually not at all keen but senses if he'd said no you'd have dumped him, and he doesn't want that either.

Honestly I'd be asking him some VERY searching and direct questions about your future together, at 33 if you want kids you can't be hanging about nor can you risk being strung along which is what I suspect he's doing.

You're good enough to have as a gf but not even good enough to properly cohabit?

I'd be seriously considering whether to continue the relationship at all.

Your post at 1536 confirms for me he thinks he deserves someone better than you in some way, yet he's failed to attract someone in that category (can't imagine why 🤔)

Was he the one doing the begging? Was he about to turn/had just turned 35 at this point? I'm thinking probably yes and he was having a sort of milestone birthday panic and he thought you'd be easy to persuade.

You'd be extremely vulnerable to ending up homeless as pps point out legally you'd have no more status than a lodger and can very easily be evicted.

NeverSayFreelance · 23/04/2019 18:09

I have the opposite situation. I own my house and my boyfriend lives with me.

However, I like to make it our home and I ask him for opinions when I'm shuffling furniture or redecorating - but he won't give me any! He just says "it's your house, you decide". Which is nice but... answer me!

So yes, I would definitely be including you in the decorating - but I'm not your boyfriend. I know first hand what an awkward set up it is because it's like being a lodger in your DP's house. But I suppose that's up to him.

I'm sorry I don't have more advice but I understand your logic and I feel for you Thanks

Hollowvictory · 23/04/2019 18:09

I wouldn't want someone else choosing decor for my house tbh. Especially if I wasn't confident that they would be a long term thing.

BingandFlop2019 · 23/04/2019 18:09

Sounds like he sees himself as 'above' you

madcatladyforever · 23/04/2019 18:11

I wouldn't allow a lodger to choose my curtains so maybe that's how he sees you.

Chloemol · 23/04/2019 18:14

He is not seeing it as your home, only his. So either you accept that, and that you are are a money source for him via the rent, or don’t move in. I would t be moving in he doesn’t see you as a couple

BlueSkiesLies · 23/04/2019 18:14

What is market rate for sharing a bed with your landlord, having no tenancy agreement and no tenant’s rights? I’d value that at £0.

Bullshit

If this were a woman with a man moving in everyone would be screaming at her to protect her house and make sure he paid his way and wasn’t a cock lodger.

OP sees this as moving in with her life’s partner and a first step to marriage, joint house ownership and babies.

Maybe he just sees this as his girlfriend moving in to his house.

Neither are wrong, there is a mismatch of expectations.