To expect to contribute towards the decor of my boyfriends house?

[Anonfornow1]

I (33F)am moving in to my boyfriends (36M) new house. He has just purchased it solely in his name.
I will be paying rent, but below market rates and saving approx £350 a month on top of what I pay in my current rented flat with my sister.
I've been really looking forward to moving in and making it our home. He has already chosen paint colours, curtains, sofa himself without asking my opinion. They aren't my preferred choice but I suppose if it's his property and he is paying then fair enough. Things got a bit heated today when he told me he had ordered and chosen some new blinds for the house. I said 'is this house going to be entirely your taste then?' a bit tongue in cheek and he said 'yes of course, its my house'. It's upset me as I assumed that if I was living there with him that he would see it as 'our' home, if he saw any kind of a future with me. I'm really into interiors and love nesting and building a lovely home and is genuinely something I really am passionate about. To what extent would you expect to have a say in a house that you didn't technically owned but lived in with your boyfriend? I asked if I wanted to buy a sofa cushion or a new duvet set, for example, would I at least be able to do that and he said 'we'll see'. AIBU expecting to have a say in the place I live and the way it looks or is it a case of his house his taste?

What exactly are you paying the £350 towards if he won’t let you chose anything for the house?. It is technically his house, but that’s through his doing. If I was you I’d LTB, and I never usually say this

Bluntness- I didn't say she shouldn't contribute to bills, but why should she contribute to his mortgage; she can get kicked out whenever their relationship goes tits up.

It sounds like he is very carefully setting the scene to make sure that you would have no "claim" on the property if things go wrong. Not really a nice way to start off - I would think very carefully about your expectations about this relationship, it does sound like the balance of power isn't very equal.

Sorry OP but can you not see that as far as he is concerned you are the lodger with benefits. And that is all.

This has made me really sad. Please don't move in with him. Everyone deserves a home and he's made it clear that this will not be yours. Don't waste your time on a man like this.

He doesn’t see you being together for the long term . He wants to keep it all separate so it’s easy to split up and ask you to move out. Do you want to get married and have children ? if you do then dont waste anymore time with this man .
Don’t make it so easy for him to have it all his way .

"I've been really looking forward to moving in and making it our home. He has already chosen paint colours, curtains, sofa himself without asking my opinion."
You might see it as 'our home', but he sees it as just his. You are his lodger-with-benefits. He does not see it as your home.

"I said 'is this house going to be entirely your taste then?' a bit tongue in cheek and he said 'yes of course, its my house'. "
See? 'My', not 'our'. My.

"It's upset me as I assumed that if I was living there with him that he would see it as 'our' home, if he saw any kind of a future with me."
He doesn't. Sorry, but he really doesn't.

"We haven't bought together purely because he didn't want to. He is on a high salary and has owned 3 homes previously and thus built up a large deposit over the years whereas being on only 34k a year myself in London it has just never been possible to me to buy on my own. I think he just sees it as he has worked hard to get to this point and doesnt need my contribution (which wouldnt be much) and he would be losing out from buying together...."
Yes, you have it exactly. This is his, he doesn't want to share because he thinks you will split up and he doesn't want to lose half the value to you.

"We met 5 and half years ago and were together for 2 years before he ended things (commitment issues basically). We were apart then for a while but rekindled in September 2017 when he realised what he lost and after a lot of begging and talking and discussions we decided to give things another go, so 'this' relationship together a year and a half."
Begging? That's not healthy. I'm sorry to be so cynical, but in my opinion what he realised he'd lost was regular sex and someone to do the cleaning.

He's showing you who he is. Believe him.

And keep sharing with your sister. Living with him as he plans it to be will grind any self-respect and self-esteem out of you pretty damned quickly, and they are worth a whole damned more than £350/month.

Move in and save like mad, then if it all goes wrong you will have savings to help you get your own place, I understand him protecting his money to start with, but he does seem to be thinking that you are living with him rather than living together, you really need to have a good chat about this move. If You chose stuff would you pay. Pay half or him pay.
How would the bills be paid the grocery shopping be paid. Is your payment for all the bills as well.

"We haven't bought together purely because he didn't want to. He is on a high salary and has owned 3 homes previously and thus built up a large deposit over the years whereas being on only 34k a year myself in London it has just never been possible to me to buy on my own. I think he just sees it as he has worked hard to get to this point and doesnt need my contribution (which wouldnt be much) and he would be losing out from buying together...."

And there you have it. You aren’t his partner, he doesn’t see this as long term, he has no desire to share his life with you.

Doesn’t matter the financial situation, you could still have bought jointly. My sister was in your dh’s position, third house, hefty deposit, while her bf was a student. They simply drew up a % contract where she keeps her deposit, they split the mortgage and any profit if and when the house is sold.

There are ways to buy together if you are financially unequal and protect each share. Your boyfriend just didn’t want to buy with you.

.

So you could pay the £350 and be the lodger with benefits. At some point he finds a new woman he wants to move in, suddenly you find that you are being told to move out. Please don’t do this. You deserve so much better.

Not another “I only earn 34k and live in London” thread. But leaving that aside, You’re his lodger and are contributing to his wealth by helping pay his mortgage. He’s protecting his assets while you have nothing. Do not move in In such circumstances,

I'd move in and save that 350 pounds to get a deposit together for your own place. Which you can rent out if things are going well with the bf or live in if you break up.

Yeah but if she moved in she’s not going to meet some new, lovely man who shares things with her, is she?

OP, do you see yourself having kids? And if so, does he, with you?

That's £4200/annum, Jbourne, so it will be years before it's a deposit that's enough to buy anywhere around there, much less pay a mortgage on top of his £350 in rent.

I think he sees you as a lodger he can sleep with.
If you want a proper commitment you should move on. This bloke doesn't see you as his partner. He's bought a property on his own even though you've been together a fair while. You're a bit of nice company and a little bit of help with the mortgage.
Sorry that sounds harsh.