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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to contribute towards the decor of my boyfriends house?

191 replies

Anonfornow1 · 23/04/2019 15:11

I (33F)am moving in to my boyfriends (36M) new house. He has just purchased it solely in his name.
I will be paying rent, but below market rates and saving approx £350 a month on top of what I pay in my current rented flat with my sister.
I've been really looking forward to moving in and making it our home. He has already chosen paint colours, curtains, sofa himself without asking my opinion. They aren't my preferred choice but I suppose if it's his property and he is paying then fair enough. Things got a bit heated today when he told me he had ordered and chosen some new blinds for the house. I said 'is this house going to be entirely your taste then?' a bit tongue in cheek and he said 'yes of course, its my house'. It's upset me as I assumed that if I was living there with him that he would see it as 'our' home, if he saw any kind of a future with me. I'm really into interiors and love nesting and building a lovely home and is genuinely something I really am passionate about. To what extent would you expect to have a say in a house that you didn't technically owned but lived in with your boyfriend? I asked if I wanted to buy a sofa cushion or a new duvet set, for example, would I at least be able to do that and he said 'we'll see'. AIBU expecting to have a say in the place I live and the way it looks or is it a case of his house his taste?

OP posts:
CoffeeConnoisseur · 23/04/2019 15:24

He doesn’t see a long term future with you.

Please save hard while you can and get your own place... if the day comes he decides it’s over, you’ll be out, without any claim to anything to do with this property.

MariaNovella · 23/04/2019 15:25

Yes - are you going to be responsible for maintaining his house and furnishings?

Excited101 · 23/04/2019 15:25

How long have you been together? He sounds like a controlling arse.

hellenbackagen · 23/04/2019 15:28

.

Original poster
Anonfornow1 · 23/04/2019 15:31

I do appreciate it is his place so big furnishings that he is paying for (and maintaining) fair enough. It was more the comment about he cushion or duvet cover set that upset me more as they really are a small thing in the grand scheme of things that would make me happy and he is all like 'we will see' it just feels a bit like a power trip to me and refusing purely because he feels like he can rather than because he doesn't want (non specified) duvet set on his bed!

OP posts:
bengalcat · 23/04/2019 15:31

Well it might all work out but as you say you’ll be saving £350pm on what you currently pay so you’re not entirely losing out . I’d put that money into a savings account so you can build up some savings for the future which you can either walk away with or join forces with him if your relationship progresses . No idea how long you’ve been together etc but he clearly sees you as a lodger with benefits . That said a friend of mine moved in with her BF who owned a flat and after a few years they married so now what’s his is hers etc

SrSteveOskowski · 23/04/2019 15:32

Hmm, I wouldn't be too happy with this to be honest. When I met DH, he owned the house he was living in and when I moved in with him we decided on interiors etc between us. I wasn't paying anything towards the mortgage, but we split the bills equally.
However we had spoken about getting engaged and getting married and we got engaged about 6 months after I moved in with him.

I don't mean this to sound horrible, but it sounds like your partner sees you as more of a lodger who's paying towards his mortgage.

He's being very unfair over the decorating bit. I mean I wouldn't have gone out and bought a new suite or painted the house with discussing it with DH (or DP as he was then) but I'd have bought stuff like cushions or duvets without even thinking about it.

You need to ask him where he sees your relationship going.
How long are you together?

HennyPennyHorror · 23/04/2019 15:33

Oooh. I wouldn;t be moving in with him! NO WAY.

Knitclubchatter · 23/04/2019 15:34

You’re not decorating because it’s not and never will be “you're together” home.
It’s a sad realization. You are a lodger.
Income disparity isn’t the problem, his attitude towards you is.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 15:35

How long have you been together OP?

Dragongirl10 · 23/04/2019 15:36

Op if he was truly thinking you are his future, he would want to share his home with you..who paid for what would not be an issue and he would want you to be happy and comfortable.........please at least make sure you have an independent savings plan if you still want to move in.

Personally l would still be working towards saving for a place of my own, maybe a property outside of London rented out, as l don't see future with him.

Original poster
Anonfornow1 · 23/04/2019 15:36

We met 5 and half years ago and were together for 2 years before he ended things (commitment issues basically). We were apart then for a while but rekindled in September 2017 when he realised what he lost and after a lot of begging and talking and discussions we decided to give things another go, so 'this' relationship together a year and a half.

OP posts:
ryanreynolds · 23/04/2019 15:37

When DH bought his first house, I moved in with him.

I paid rent (and signed an agreement that I had no claim on the property - was essentially a lodger in the eyes of the law). I was quite happy with this as it was his deposit.

We decorated it together and chose furniture together and paid equally for those things. He did up the bathroom and paid for that himself as it was his house but other than that we made joint decisions.

It was definitely OUR home even though it was HIS house.

Your set up would concern me greatly, he doesn't sound like he wants the same things as you. Thanks

Bluntness100 · 23/04/2019 15:37

He's making it clear to you it's his house, and his alone, even if you live there. It's clearly important to him you don't get confused on this score. It's his house and you must treat it as such.

I would find that a difficult set up, and it's far from normal for a couple to effectively set up home together and for this to occur.

However he doesn't see it as you setting up home, you're the lodger who also shags him.

Does he see a future? Maybe, but it's not the future you were hoping for I suspect.

Expressedways · 23/04/2019 15:38

Whether or not you can choose a duvet cover is the least of your worries. This arrangement leaves you completely screwed if you split down the line. Sorry but he’s made it very clear he views you as a flatmate with benefits, not a partner that he’s truly committed to. I wouldn’t move in with him unless it’s as a couple and into a home that will be yours as well as his.

If you do go along with this arrangement (and you shouldn’t) definitely do not contribute towards decorating or maintenance- as far as the house is concerned, he’s your landlord so don’t pay for anything that a tenant wouldn’t normally be required to fund.

And there are ways he could have legally protected his larger deposit if he wanted to, he just very clearly didn’t want this to be your home.

Jaxhog · 23/04/2019 15:38

Hmmm. Even a renter would expect some say in the decor. Could you agree to provide the little extra touches with removable items e.g. cushions etc. Although, if he won't even allow you a say in curtain patterns etc, is he really someone you want to live with long term? He clearly doesn't repect your opinion in such matters. Not a good basis for a long term relationship.

Presumably, if it's 'his' house he will also be paying for all the furnishings etc, and doing the cleaning, DIY etc. too?

I'd be saving the rent money you save towards your own place.

MulticolourMophead · 23/04/2019 15:38

OP, the extra info makes me think more firmly that you are the casual flatmate paying rent with sex on top.

Ginger1982 · 23/04/2019 15:39

Yeah. Don't move in. This isn't going to end well.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/04/2019 15:39

We met 5 and half years ago and were together for 2 years before he ended things (commitment issues basically). We were apart then for a while but rekindled in September 2017 when he realised what he lost and after a lot of begging and talking and discussions we decided to give things another go, so 'this' relationship together a year and a half.

Sounds like he still has major commitment issues then. I mean given your history and him having to win you back, you would think he'd let you pick out some stuff to show he sees a future for you two, don't you think?

Fishywife · 23/04/2019 15:40

Personally, I could not live like that, and it sounds like you do not want to either. Even if you were renting you would be able to dictate your own decor to some extent with duvet covers, cushions etc. To me, moving in in this situation would be giving up a lot of freedom and I would not be prepared to do it. I think it says a lot that he is not prepared to make any concessions re: making the house nice/comfortable for you.

Nanny0gg · 23/04/2019 15:40

I would say he still has commitment issues and you're a lodger.

Stay where you are

miracleon13th · 23/04/2019 15:40

Perhaps you should remind him that even though you haven't bought the house together you are paying towards the cost of the house with the rent you are paying him and therefore acquire a financial interest in it if you break up in the eyes of the law!

DPotter · 23/04/2019 15:42

Frankly I’d being staying with my sister.

He doesn’t sound as if he’s over his commitment issues to me. Not even welcoming let alone romantic.

If you do move in - you’ll need to sort out who pays the bills, food etc, not just the rent

Happynow001 · 23/04/2019 15:42

He's absolutely marked his territory down the the minutae (bedlinen, cushions). What makes you think anything will Ever improve?

I agree with other PPs: sounds like you are a "lodger with benefits" whilst he holds all the cards - on his territory.

I don't think, even with the cash savings, I'd want to move in with someone (who's supposed to care about me) who is allowing me no flexibility at all in the place I'd be living in. At least in a flat/house-share you can make your surroundings feel like home.

AlexaShutUp · 23/04/2019 15:42

I think you'd be better off not moving in, OP. He clearly doesn't see you as a long term partner.

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