To expect to contribute towards the decor of my boyfriends house?

[Anonfornow1]

I (33F)am moving in to my boyfriends (36M) new house. He has just purchased it solely in his name.
I will be paying rent, but below market rates and saving approx £350 a month on top of what I pay in my current rented flat with my sister.
I've been really looking forward to moving in and making it our home. He has already chosen paint colours, curtains, sofa himself without asking my opinion. They aren't my preferred choice but I suppose if it's his property and he is paying then fair enough. Things got a bit heated today when he told me he had ordered and chosen some new blinds for the house. I said 'is this house going to be entirely your taste then?' a bit tongue in cheek and he said 'yes of course, its my house'. It's upset me as I assumed that if I was living there with him that he would see it as 'our' home, if he saw any kind of a future with me. I'm really into interiors and love nesting and building a lovely home and is genuinely something I really am passionate about. To what extent would you expect to have a say in a house that you didn't technically owned but lived in with your boyfriend? I asked if I wanted to buy a sofa cushion or a new duvet set, for example, would I at least be able to do that and he said 'we'll see'. AIBU expecting to have a say in the place I live and the way it looks or is it a case of his house his taste?

This is a very powerful message. He doesn’t see himself as in a relationship with a joint property and shared life.

At 33 your eggs are ticking and if you want kids, I’d get on find someone who’s ready to share his life.

I don't think he's necessarily a jerk at all. She said she's able to save £350/month due to lowered rent. He's quite wise to protect his asset. He just doesn't see you as the one, IYKWIM. If that's what you're looking for, you need to keep looking.

In the meantime, you are waving goodbye to your contribution each month; it's not an investment for you and you will never see it again. And because you are paying this money to him, you are unable to invest it in a property of your own. He is absolutely screwing you.

She's paying for shelter and that would be a cost no matter what. Right now she's being for her LL's investment. This way, she said she's able to save £350 more per month so that's hardly screwing her.

We met 5 and half years ago and were together for 2 years before he ended things (commitment issues basically). We were apart then for a while but rekindled in September 2017 when he realised what he lost and after a lot of begging and talking and discussions we decided to give things another go, so 'this' relationship together a year and a half.

Yeouch.

I agree with the poster upthread who said that if you were at the 1 yearish stage that this would be not great, but understandable.

After all the above extra info? I'm sorry, but he's just wasting your time now. If he was really committed, and had taken anything from your last break up, he'd be making the house purchase with you jointly.

'We'll see' is up there with 'someday' or 'I'm just not ready yet' or 'marriage is a piece of paper'. The real message behind it is that you're not the one they'll usually end up marrying and spending their lives with.

I wouldn't move in.

He's looking to have part of his mortgage paid, that is all.

He's not as committed to you as you are to him.

And that's ok, but he's not being honest about it.

You shouldn't move in with a partner unless you're both on the same page on where your relationship is and where it's going (marriage, kids, not marriage, etc) ... but the same page.

And if you are at that 'talking marriage' level of commitment, then he is being kind of a jerk. Yes, it's his house but he should want you to feel loved and happy in what is to be your home with him.

If you aren't at that level of commitment and/or on the same page, then you're a lodger paying his mortgage, plus he gets sex. Lucky him!

Inertia is a terrible thing ... it keeps people in bad relationships longer than they otherwise would stay ... and if you move in, it will be harder for you feel you can and to actually walk away. Sunk costs, and all that.

I wouldn't move in.

You think you are creating a home together - regardless of the fact that he owns it.

He thinks you are a convenient flatmate whom he also happens to be dating.

He is also pretty controlling about his decor - not even a cushion? I think he is making it very very clear that this is his space and you are there by his permission.

This won't end well. At 33, I wouldn't move in and would think long and hard about his commitment to the relationship.

My OH put down the deposit for our first flat, he had savings and I didn't. But it was a joint mortgage and a joint home. Equal, a partnership.
This doesn't sound like a partnership at all.

He still has major commitment issues. If you want marriage and kids this isn’t the one for you op. I wouldn’t move in with someone, who just saw me as a cash cow to have sex with and help pay his mortgage. That “we’ll see” comment was pretty callous imo.

And what are the odds that he fully recognises your £350 per month 'savings' from what you're paying now ... and will be expecting you to cook and clean up after him 'more' to make up for all that money he's supposedly saving you. What are the odds...?

My OH put down the deposit for our first flat, he had savings and I didn't. But it was a joint mortgage and a joint home. Equal, a partnership.

Same.

She's paying for shelter and that would be a cost no matter what. Right now she's being for her LL's investment. This way, she said she's able to save £350 more per month so that's hardly screwing her.

Do you reckon the conversation went "hey, I'm buying a house and considering taking on a lodger. Are you interested in me becoming your landlord?". Because it seems like OP thought they were taking the next step in their relationship and has been surprised to discover that he doesn't view this property as her home too. He is absolutely screwing her, because he has clearly sold this to her as something it's not. And to be frank, you don't rekindle old relationships and move into together in your 30's with someone you don't think is "the one". He is wasting OP's time.

I'd move on, too. He'll be full of excuses, string you along and then do the classic 'we drifted apart' where he marries a younger woman in months and becomes Mr Family Man when you're 40 and it might be too late.

I'd be moving on, freezing my eggs and looking at going it alone if I wanted kids.

He'll beg, but nah. He doesn't realise what he's lost, he just found you conveniently free again.

I would NEVER live with a partner on an unequal basis like this, especially not paying rent to him.

I was very clear about this with exh before we got married and bought our first flat together. Very happy with that decision.

OP, my DP moved into the house I already owned and has already decorated. We didn’t have the money to do any big works but I told him I wanted him to feel at home so we picked all soft furnishings, pictures etc together - because I wanted it to be “our” place rather than “my” place. I’m not sure he sees a long term future with you, sorry.

He is absolutely screwing her, because he has clearly sold this to her as something it's not.

We don't know that because she hasn't told us how he sold it to her, only how it stands now, which is clearly string along territory.

And to be frank, you don't rekindle old relationships and move into together in your 30's with someone you don't think is "the one". He is wasting OP's time.

Yes, but he may not actually even see it like that, although I agree. He may see it as she's getting a bargain. AND, he may the type who never wants a life with a partner on equal footing, marriage or kids.

Her rent is cheaper with him, though, so she has a choice to use him to save up for her own place, keep things as they are and continue living with his sister or move on.

I just wanted to add my views as I am in the position of your boyfriend.

I don't live with my DP currently but eventually I will sell my current home and I will buy a home which is intended for our home together.

Luckily my DP also has a home but we've decided he keeps that in his name, I buy the house we will live together in my name and hopefully we can get a third property on BTL jointly.

I have always thought of the house I intend to be our home as exactly that. Whilst of course I want to protect my money/asset, I will want my DP to feel valued in the home so we will choose decorating etc together.

I think you should sit down with your DP and explain how his comments have made you feel. Explain that you fully understand that financially the house is his however if he wants to set up a home together then that should exactly be it.

You should be allowed to have an input into the décor an I would say perhaps you could buy the odd thing however big furniture should be paid by DP as ultimately if you were to split up, likelihood would be he would keep the furniture.

How have you come to the arrangement of how much you are paying? I've said to DP that I would cover the mortgage and I would expect the bills to be split between us. Initially I thought it should be 50/50 but actually I earn more money than he does so I would suggest maybe splitting 60/40.

Have you discussed things like wardrobe space and things like that? Will he allocate you half or expect you to have less room as it's not your house?

if I were you, the money you are saving I would put aside for the future just in case anything crops up and you have to move out.

I lived with DH in his house before we jointly purchased our current house. I had a huge say in re-doing the kitchen/bathroom etc & also paid for pretty much all the renovations (I did not pay any rent etc) but always felt like it was his house even though he always said it was ours.

Don’t ever have children with this man. You’ll be back posting one of the regular “he never gives me any money for the dcs and expects me to live on bread and water” type threads.

He’s never going to see you as part of his family. He’s all me me me.

I also don't think you should move in op. I'm sorry. A pp was correct. The fundamental question here is why did he not wish to buy with you? He could easily have protected any deposit. But given you security with your name on the mortgage and the house deeds, and knowing your rent would be actually mortgage and at escalation in value you'd get your share.

As it stands now he can chuck you out at a moments notice. And he's making it clear this is his house. Very clear. A duvet cover is temporary, no one gives a shit, but he does, because he doesn't want you to think it's yours in any way.

I know you have a financial benefit of moving in, cheaper rent, but the absolute lack of any form of security, the ability to be evicted as and when he pleases, and living under conditions way more stringent than normal lodgings, whilst you sit and hopefully pin your hopes on some future with this man, is all wrong.

Maintain your independence. Don't move in. Your future self will thank you.

If you can save money and put it towards "your" future home, take the chance. I think that this is the only way you will benefit from this situation. He has got it made!! Just like my ex.

We don't know that because she hasn't told us how he sold it to her

Well he obviously wasn't upfront because otherwise OP would already have known that it was his house and she wouldn't be involved in any of the decision making or decorating etc.

OP, I've seen this situation play out before. He will probably string you along for a few more years and then dump you when you're 40 and be married to someone else with a baby on the way within 12 months.

When I first moved in with my husband, he already owned the house and I paid a bit towards rent and bills (not a lot). I felt as if I couldn’t have a say in the decor etc at first as it was his home really. Now ten years on we still live here and over the years we’ve slowly made more and more changes together and will be selling up and combining our finances to buy something bigger. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, if it’s early days, it may take some time to know that living together will work etc and as time goes on he might mellow a bit. I wouldn’t just kick him to the curb based on this. If you were renting equally together or buying together, it’d be different but you’re not.

When my now DH and I were dating, he owned a house, I rented. I was over at his a lot, and after a few months, we started choosing things for his house together...new duvets, cushions, decorative stuff, and even some big furniture. We weren't even living together, but that was the direction we were headed. When we did move in together, I didn't pay rent right away, instead, he encouraged me to pay off a few debts I'd accrued when I'd been living on my own. His reasoning was that when we married, there would be no lingering debt so we could start our life together fresh.

That's what you should be looking for, OP...a man who is planning a future with you fully in it, not a lodger with benefits!

If you must move in with him, no-way should be contributing towards his mortgage, just a percentage (based on how much you and he each earn) towards utilities and maybe internet. Plus towards food obviously.
That might allow you to save more towards your own future.
A Pp suggested you but with your sister. Would that be doable?

I had a brilliant land once, who sold up and moved but took me with her. She insisted that I chooe the paint colours for walls, the flooring, eveything in fact. She actually lived abroad so she didn't really mind how it was decorated. The main furniture was hers and I had no say in that, but she didn't mind if I brought in extra bookcases or tables etc.

I wouldn't ge moving in with your guy. He isn't going to let you do much while you live, it'll always be his place. Even if you were to need a desk or if the furniture was arranged badly, you wouldn't be allowed to do anything about it. Ask him.