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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect to contribute towards the decor of my boyfriends house?

191 replies

Anonfornow1 · 23/04/2019 15:11

I (33F)am moving in to my boyfriends (36M) new house. He has just purchased it solely in his name.
I will be paying rent, but below market rates and saving approx £350 a month on top of what I pay in my current rented flat with my sister.
I've been really looking forward to moving in and making it our home. He has already chosen paint colours, curtains, sofa himself without asking my opinion. They aren't my preferred choice but I suppose if it's his property and he is paying then fair enough. Things got a bit heated today when he told me he had ordered and chosen some new blinds for the house. I said 'is this house going to be entirely your taste then?' a bit tongue in cheek and he said 'yes of course, its my house'. It's upset me as I assumed that if I was living there with him that he would see it as 'our' home, if he saw any kind of a future with me. I'm really into interiors and love nesting and building a lovely home and is genuinely something I really am passionate about. To what extent would you expect to have a say in a house that you didn't technically owned but lived in with your boyfriend? I asked if I wanted to buy a sofa cushion or a new duvet set, for example, would I at least be able to do that and he said 'we'll see'. AIBU expecting to have a say in the place I live and the way it looks or is it a case of his house his taste?

OP posts:

Easterbunnyhashoppedoff · 23/04/2019 15:43

You are a house mate, nothing more. And when you split he will make sure you leave with just your clothes.... You have made yourself very financially vulnerable op...
Time to check out the 'to lets'... .

UCOforAC12 · 23/04/2019 15:44

The first house I lived in with DH I bought 100% and he paid me rent (only been together 2 years when we moved in together). We made all the decisions on our home together even though it was my house because I care about him and his opinion and wanted him to feel at home. There were a few things like cushions I got without running by him but paint, curtains and furniture we agreed together even though I paid.

thebabessavedme · 23/04/2019 15:45

walk away walk away walk away

get yourself a nicer boyfriend and chose your own bed linen - much less heart ache all round

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 23/04/2019 15:45

Definitely bank the money you are saving by living there in case it goes wrong

HollyGoLoudly1 · 23/04/2019 15:46

I feel like decorating is a red herring. The real issue here isn't that he won't let you decorate - it's why you didn't buy together? For example:

Scenario 1 - you've been together a year, going well, ready to live together but not necessarily combine finances with a mortgage = fair enough. Paying him some rent + contributing to bills would be the norm where I'm from.

Scenario 2 - you've been together 3/4/5+ years, you're in a financial position to have a joint mortgage but he's refusing to buy with you = alarm bells for me regarding his commitment to the relationship.

Scenario 3 = he's got £100k sunk into the deposit and pays a huge mortgage every month. You have little/no deposit to contribute and couldn't afford a reasonable share of the mortgage payment. This is tricky but I couldn understand why he would be wary about doing a joint mortgage - he has a lot to lose and you have everything to gain.

Decor can always be changed in future but for now, for whatever reason, it's his house and not 'our house' unfortunately.

eddielizzard · 23/04/2019 15:46

Well it doesn't seem that the commitment issue has really been resolved, does it? And on that basis I wouldn't move in. I get that it's financially good for you, but it's not good for your head / heart. You'd be lodger with benefits, and it has no future really.

HeddaGarbled · 23/04/2019 15:47

Flat-mate with benefits is a good description, except you don’t even get your own bedroom and are only allowed to choose your own duvet cover etc if your landlord says so. He’s being mean and you’d be a fool to give up your independence under these circumstances.

Halloumimuffin · 23/04/2019 15:48

YANBU, and your DP needs to take this arrangement more seriously and have more respect for you. I have almost the exact same arrangement, however my partner is nothing like this - don't get me wrong, he wouldn't want me to buy anything for the house he didn't agree on, but my opinions on paint colours, curtains, etc have all been taken on board (and I help pay). He consulted me on our new oven, hobs and extractor fan though he was paying for that himself. I hate his coffee table and bedside tables so we agreed that when they needed replacing I'll pick. We are now starting conversations about formalising the arrangement with me going on the mortgage.

Shadycorner · 23/04/2019 15:48

Op . Tbh, if he wants a lodger, not a gf, then I'd leave him to put an advert in the paper and stay where you are. You won't save as much money but you will have your dignity.

Could you and your sister work towards buying a house together?

PompeyBez · 23/04/2019 15:48

Hmm tricky one. Was he planning on buying a new home before you decided to move in together, or have you planned this as progression of your relationship? Is the 'rent' to cover the mortgage only, or will you be paying a share of the Bill's on top of that? Theres no reason why you couldn't have had a smaller stake in the property to reflect the large deposit he's paying, was that discussed? From what you've said, it sounds like he views it as his home only and you're just a lodger. Ultimately it is his house, but if I was moving in with someone in these circumstances I'd like a little input on the decor etc, so it felt like my home too

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 23/04/2019 15:50

I'd suck it up, it's his house, for the purpose of saving money and I'd save hard because you will have NO rights to remain there should the relationship sour again. I think you have misguided idea about 'building a nest', and are on a different page from him regarding commitment. If your boyfriend were a woman posting everyone would be telling her to be very careful letting her boyfriend move in under such circumstances and giving him such bargain rent and telling her to make sure she sees a solicitor to protect her house in case the relationship ends.

If you're looking at him with wedding bells and babies in your eyes whilst you stay at home in nice house you might be barking up the wrong tree.

He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Shadycorner · 23/04/2019 15:51

And "we'll see" is such a condescending thing to say. You are not five!

Neolara · 23/04/2019 15:51

I think he's pretty clearly telling you he doesn't see the house as a joint venture. He sees it as his house. After 5 years, and at the age when many of your contemporaries are probably setting up homes and families together, I wouldn't see this as a good sign. Sorry.

MsVestibule · 23/04/2019 15:51

What do you want out of a relationship? Marriage, children, some type of lifetime commitment? Or something more casual? If you're happy with casual, move in and commit to saving that £350 per month in a savings account. At least within a couple of years, you'll be over £8k better off.

If you want some sort of lifetime commitment, you're with the wrong man. I'm sure you've worked that out for yourself, but it's hard to admit it after the best part of 5 years together.

cuppycakey · 23/04/2019 15:52

So you are basically a lodger?

Is it too late to cancel your move? No way would I be moving in with him.

Lweji · 23/04/2019 15:53

I'll be very blunt with you.

After all that time, plus being apart, if you're still at the phase of moving into his house and paying rent and him not bothering to ask your opinion, then it's not going anywhere.

If you want marriage and children, or even just children but in a true partnership, move on and find someone with whom you can build a life together. This is not a partner for life.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/04/2019 15:58

Agree that he sees you as his lodger not his partner.

Please make sure you are protected in case you split up after putting loads of £££ into HIS mortgage/equity.

canadianbanana · 23/04/2019 15:58

This is a rather confusing living arrangement. You’re ‘moving in with your boyfriend’ but you’re paying rent. That’s weird to begin with. In that case, I think it is “his house” and you’re a tenant, so his house, his decor. However, if you are in a relationship, it seems odd to pay rent. I would suggest that you are entitled to participate in the decor if you are contributing to the mortgage, rather than paying rent. So if you ever breakup, you have some equity in the property. It sounds like he’s having you move in to help cover his costs in owning a house, rather than moving your relationship ‘to the next level’, as they say. He sounds like a jerk, in that case.

Illberidingshotgun · 23/04/2019 15:59

I would be very, very cautious. of course, if you were to marry, the house would be considered a marital asset regardless of it being solely in his name. However I suspect he isn't considering marriage. Have you talked about the future? Children? Marriage? Do each of you know what the other wants?

can you really see yourself living in this house long term, where you aren't able to make any decisions about the most basic things in the environment?

Crustaceans · 23/04/2019 15:59

What/where do you hope this relationship is going, @Anonfornow1?

I agree with the others that have said that it seems his commitment issues are still very much a feature of the relationship. Tbh, I don’t really believe in ‘commitment issues’ anyway; he’s perfectly capable of committing to a mortgage for 25 years or to his job or any of the other things that get him what he wants. He’s choosing not to commit to you (in any way at all - even down to your cushions on the sofa).

It really does not look like he sees a future with you, and is just passing time with a nice girlfriend.

willowmelangell · 23/04/2019 16:00

This is not a partnership.

It feels like a power trip because he has all the power.
You are living in his house, no rights at all. He could pack up your bags tonight.
WH Smiths sell rent/lodger agreements.

I would love to see what he expects you to do re housework, cooking etc

Lweji · 23/04/2019 16:01

if you were to marry, the house would be considered a marital asset regardless of it being solely in his name.

Don't count on it if purchased before getting married.

Ratatatouille · 23/04/2019 16:01

I'd cut my losses and get rid of him if it were me. He doesn't see you as equal partners and he definitely still harbours his commitment issues. I can see why he would want to avoid making himself financially vulnerable by putting down 90% of the deposit and paying most of the mortgage but having you own half the house BUT there are ways around this. You both could have sought legal advice to ensure that in the event of a separation, each party receives a share of the house that's proportional to what they paid in. That way you are both paying towards the mortgage and (in theory) both of you are paying towards an asset that should increase in value. As it stands, he is paying the mortgage and his wealth is growing as his investment rises in value, PLUS he is taking £X from you every month. In the meantime, you are waving goodbye to your contribution each month; it's not an investment for you and you will never see it again. And because you are paying this money to him, you are unable to invest it in a property of your own. He is absolutely screwing you.

Imagine the position you both will be in should your relationship fail in 10 years. He will have a great big chunk of his mortgage paid off and an investment that has grown in value. You will have nothing from the property at all.

Purplecatshopaholic · 23/04/2019 16:05

This is clearly his house, not your collective/joint house. If you are ok with that then fine, but if you are not then you need to think about this relationship...

Illberidingshotgun · 23/04/2019 16:06

Lweji Your experience may be different of course (I hope it was!), but in general this is the case as it is the marital home. I purchased my home many years before marriage, and my STBEXH never contributed to the mortgage or paid "rent" but he was still entitled to half of the value of the house, as this was the principal marital asset.

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