To expect to contribute towards the decor of my boyfriends house?

[Anonfornow1]

I (33F)am moving in to my boyfriends (36M) new house. He has just purchased it solely in his name.
I will be paying rent, but below market rates and saving approx £350 a month on top of what I pay in my current rented flat with my sister.
I've been really looking forward to moving in and making it our home. He has already chosen paint colours, curtains, sofa himself without asking my opinion. They aren't my preferred choice but I suppose if it's his property and he is paying then fair enough. Things got a bit heated today when he told me he had ordered and chosen some new blinds for the house. I said 'is this house going to be entirely your taste then?' a bit tongue in cheek and he said 'yes of course, its my house'. It's upset me as I assumed that if I was living there with him that he would see it as 'our' home, if he saw any kind of a future with me. I'm really into interiors and love nesting and building a lovely home and is genuinely something I really am passionate about. To what extent would you expect to have a say in a house that you didn't technically owned but lived in with your boyfriend? I asked if I wanted to buy a sofa cushion or a new duvet set, for example, would I at least be able to do that and he said 'we'll see'. AIBU expecting to have a say in the place I live and the way it looks or is it a case of his house his taste?

He is above her, its his house! If she chooses stuff he doesn't like he's stuck with it if the relationship goes south.

You are his lodger that he can fuck.
If you can accept that, move in.
If not. Don’t. Simple.

The problem is not so much the OP paying something to stay at his place, but rather having no say at all, not even being allowed to buy soft furnishings.

But, at this stage in their relationship, and their age, I'd expect more than just living together in his house.
That is why the OP should move on if she wants children in her future.

I'd not be happy. It's not going to feel like your home. Irrespective of whose name is on the deeds if you've agreed to live together, then at the very least he should let you choose a blooming duvet set.

Unless of course you have awful taste? (Joke)

Why not buy the house jointly? It can be written into a legal document who has contributed what amount and that will be taken into account when the property is sold. If he was in this relationship for the long term he'd have done that. I'd question the relationship if this was happening to me. I certainly wouldn't be paying my so-called boyfriend rent.

Will be be assigning you a couple of drawers for clothes and space for a toothbrush?

Be completely honest with yourself - is this the type of relationship you genuinely want to be in?

You sound a little in denial tbh.

I think I would have alarm bells going off left right and centre. He doesn’t seem very happy to be moving in with you, and doesn’t seem to respect or value your opinion. As others have said you could own the house jointly with a trust deed setting out “shares” which would be a much better arrangement for you but which he appears to have dismissed for not-very-good reasons. Particularly with a view to your history I would be having a very frank discussion with him about whether this is his house or a joint house and, frankly, getting him to be totally honest about whether he sees a future with you. I would find it very sad to be living anywhere I couldn’t buy a cushion or duvet cover regardless of how much money I was saving. I think you need to resolve this ASAP before you move in and get attached to the place.

Based on my own experience, put yourself first. I spent money on my ex's home and paid towards his mortgage. I left him following a horrible change in his behaviour, but with no paperwork / receipts detailing what I'd paid for, I didn't have a hope in reclaiming all my investments which he and his kids benefited from. So, it's possible you're being seen as a convenience. Men can be pretty focused on their own needs, so it can be that it hadn't occurred to him. But I do think a committed man would at least involve you in the decorating ideas! Especially after you raised the issue.
Sorry to say, but don't move in. Let him find a lodger while you save up to buy your own property. Being financially independent as a woman is so important and good for self-confidence. If things don't work out, you will have the sanctuary of your own home
You're a lot younger than me, so you still have lots of time to figure out what you want in YOUR home. And if you do end up moving in with him (or another man), he can come to you or you can rent out your place and hold on to that investment. Negotiate the details regarding finances with whoever you live with to lower the risk of misunderstandings. Take caution and trust your gut. Good luck my dear.

OP, are you holding on because he's a high earner? You mention you like to nest. This high earner will never deliver what you're looking for.

The first thing we did when now dh moved in with me was to go out and buy some new bits to celebrate him moving in. Just a duvet cover and towels but they were ours!

Does he expect you to clean ‘his’ house? Will you be allowed a shel in the fridge and a drawer in the chest?

To give you another perspective and experience .

I moved in with my now dh 6 months after dating. It was his flat owned by him. As I was already living in my own rented place I moved in the furniture that was important to me and useful (wardrobe, chest of drawers, desk) because he now had a spare room we had a bit of space for it all.

However as it was his place I knew I couldn't change the decor or make any demands on him.

The furnishings in the bedroom were... lacking .. bed was old and slatted, curtains threadbare. So I encouraged him to go to the shop and buy new curtains etc and went with him to advise, but the colour choices and style was all him. Re the bed, after conversation he realised my bed was much better than his so agreed to switch.

After a few months I casually pointed out things he no longer used and how it would be better if we changed it. But we only did things he wanted to.

All this time I was paying my contribution of rent and towards household Bill's (think I paid for food) do proportionate to my earnings.

We had these discussions before I moved in, I was clear about my financial position and how much I could afford.

I also saved him money by looking at his providers and getting cheaper deals.

After a few more months we got engaged, and then decided to get a place together.

Guess what I am saying is that it is his place, and yes he should allow you to move in your things and have those out within reason but ultimately it is his property in his name and so he does get the final say. It doesn't mean you cant sway what he chooses and he should still be letting you be comfortable (I demand 300+ thread count bedding and have never relented on that even when I moved in.... dh realised what he had been missing out on)

I would be concerned if he doesn't let you display any of your possessions or furniture you want to keep.

I think it's perfectly fine to want to try living together before jumping to buying together, so I don't see a problem with that bit. If he already had the house and you were just moving in then you wouldn't expect to be redecorating everything.

However, the way he's presented it all to you, plus the comments about the duvet cover don't sit well at all. He sounds like he's not going to be ready for commitment to you at all, given the time you've been together, and the break up in the middle.

Not wanting to be fully partnered up with someone doesn't make him an arsehole... but the duvet comment is waving some red flags. I can imagine him being the kind of man who would just dump you one day and then move someone else in who he marries almost straight away, leaving you open mouthed and saying "but he wouldn't even decorate with me". He's not the man for you from what you've said.

Oh Op, this must be hard to read but sadly the responses here are very true. You'd be much better off cutting your losses now. Good luck however you decide to proceed.

You are both in your 30s & he has made the decision to buy a property on his own. He could have got a joint mortgage with you. So, at this point he is showing no commitment to you or a future together.
You have told us that this is the second time that you have been in a relationship together
Personally, I would end this relationship
His actions show that he doesn't care for you enough
He doesn't want to share with you
Suggest, that you need to prioritize your own life now (which is what he is doing)

OP this is really hard to hear I know.

I’ve seen this sort of situation play out before - you split up when you are in your late thirties, he marries and has a baby with someone else within a year.

I really really would move on, you’ve given him enough of your life

Yanbu, he is.

I moved in with now-DH 8 years ago and since that day every purchase for the house has been a joint discussion (big items) or one of us buying stuff we like on impulse (smaller items).

He already owned the house so I lived there for about 2 years then we added my name to mortgage and deeds. I’ve never actually paid rent or mortgage to live here.... but I have joint say in how we enjoy our home.

Hopefully the reason the OP hasn't returned is because she's busy negotiating with her sister to stay put in her current flat.

It sounds like he's pretty excited about the decor aswell. If I had managed to buy a house to myself I think I'd want to be in charge of it all too 😂

If you must move in with him, no-way should be contributing towards his mortgage

That would be shitty. It's not a race to the bottom. Of course she should pay her way and not expect to live rent free for God's sake.

And as for the poster who came up with the weird cocklodger analogy, the issue here is he is furnishing without her input and has now gone so far as to indicate she can't even buy a duvet cover of her choice.

There has never been a thread where that was deemed acceptable from what I have seen.

I also don't understand what the "below market rate" thing is. You don't even have your own bedroom, or bed, you're not even allowed a duvet cover. There is no market rate for that. No one in their right mind would accept those terms.

And to give up your independence, all your security of a proper rental contract, even the ability to buy your own soft furnishings, to pay to live like this, is so wrong.

Whatever this mans commitment issues op, they have not resolved. They have got worse. And he's staring forty in the eye, he's never going to change,

If this were a woman with a man moving in everyone would be screaming at her to protect her house and make sure he paid his way and wasn’t a cock lodger.

I wouldn’t. If you check on similar posts you’ll see I’m consistent in thinking partners shouldn’t pay rent.

Pay a share of bills, of course, but not rent. Unless it’s a rented property, then I’d think it should be a joint tenancy.

Op, I am just surprised that he doesn't want to involve you in decisions as it is a way to learn about each other.
I sadly think he will never commit to you, moving in might have felt as if it was a step forward but in reality he has made no commitment, not even to a cushion!

The high earner thing is BS. I’m the high earner in my relationship and had a hefty deposit. When buying with my boyfriend, I just put a legal agreement in place (can’t remember the name!) that I got all of my deposit back and we split the percentage of profit by 50/50 after that as he was paying half the mortgage (we got a joint mortgage). We could have split the profit by the amount he could pay so he got 1/3 of the profit if I was paying 2/3s of the mortgage/ bills. You can protect your money and buy with someone who will input less and not be out of pocket if you really want to.... he doesn’t want to.

When my then boyfriend (now fiancé) bought his first house, he paid for everything and it was solely his, I wasn't even going to move in until a year later after I'd finished my teacher training. However, he asked for my opinion on everything, I went to every shopping trip to buy things for the house and felt very much included even though it wasn't my house in name or money. If I was you, I'd be considering why he won't let you have a say and have a think about what that means for your relationship and how much he values your opinion/feelings.

If this were a woman with a man moving in

Ugh. It's just impossible to have a meaningful discussion when people throw around silly points like this. It's NOT a thread about a woman whose boyfriend is moving in and therefore you can't possibly know what all of our responses would be if it were.

If you actually look at the evidence i.e. what people are saying on this thread, it seems more likely that people would be giving the exact same advice. Lots of women here are saying that they have been in this situation with roles reversed and have made great efforts to ensure that their male partner was equally at home as they were and not financially vulnerable. The only thread that I can personally remember where the female OP wanted her male partner to pay rent, essentially be a lodger without any rights and receive no stake in the property, everyone told her how unreasonable she was being.

So you're paying £350 to share a room with him in his house?

I'd be wanting my own bedroom and could decorate it as I wished.

His attitude about the cushions says it all.