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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to contribute towards the decor of my boyfriends house?

191 replies

Anonfornow1 · 23/04/2019 15:11

I (33F)am moving in to my boyfriends (36M) new house. He has just purchased it solely in his name.
I will be paying rent, but below market rates and saving approx £350 a month on top of what I pay in my current rented flat with my sister.
I've been really looking forward to moving in and making it our home. He has already chosen paint colours, curtains, sofa himself without asking my opinion. They aren't my preferred choice but I suppose if it's his property and he is paying then fair enough. Things got a bit heated today when he told me he had ordered and chosen some new blinds for the house. I said 'is this house going to be entirely your taste then?' a bit tongue in cheek and he said 'yes of course, its my house'. It's upset me as I assumed that if I was living there with him that he would see it as 'our' home, if he saw any kind of a future with me. I'm really into interiors and love nesting and building a lovely home and is genuinely something I really am passionate about. To what extent would you expect to have a say in a house that you didn't technically owned but lived in with your boyfriend? I asked if I wanted to buy a sofa cushion or a new duvet set, for example, would I at least be able to do that and he said 'we'll see'. AIBU expecting to have a say in the place I live and the way it looks or is it a case of his house his taste?

OP posts:
Notcontent · 23/04/2019 16:38

It’s pretty clear that he wants to keep his options very open - he wants to keep you hanging on but doesn’t want to commit.

OP - do not move in with him.

Boysey45 · 23/04/2019 16:38

No way would I be buying this mans house for him. He doesn't see you are a partner just as a purse.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/04/2019 16:39

He wants a lodger, but with sex and housework and emotional support.

Do you want to be that lodger? Because he isn’t offering more. If he begged you to reconnect why is he putting up these huge barriers? Sounds like you’ve both had long enough to decide.

You won’t get what you want and need from him. His houses and money are way more important to him than you - and of course that’s his right, but it would make me dump him if I were you.

Collaborate · 23/04/2019 16:40

Before you take to heart some of the more jaundiced views expressed on this thread perhaps you should dig out a thread where the woman owns a property, earns more than the man, isn't married, and wants to know what they should do to protect their investment in the event of relationship breakdown. She'll be told the man is a "cocklodger" for not paying full market rent, and definitely to keep it strictly in her name.

As some have suggested, use the £350 you're saving to perhaps buy a property of your own which you can rent out.

Connieston · 23/04/2019 16:43

It's not the behaviour of someone who's seeing you as a couple! You're moving in together! That's a significant step in a relationship.

I suppose a key q is are you sharing a bedroom or having your own? If the former then this is s couples house and you should have a say. If the latter then you decorate your room to your taste and accept this as a financial move on both sides.

Dressless · 23/04/2019 16:43

You might want to reconsider moving in with him until your relationship is more serious.

HappyLife21 · 23/04/2019 16:45

He sounds awful, do you have an option to stay at your sisters?

SparklyMagpie · 23/04/2019 16:46

I think you'd be an absolute fool to move in with him

Easy money and a shag, not to mention I bet he'd expect you to do the majority of the house keeping

Save up that money

Ratatatouille · 23/04/2019 16:47

She'll be told the man is a "cocklodger" for not paying full market rent, and definitely to keep it strictly in her name.

Never seen a thread like that. I have seen plenty where people are advised to take legal advice to ensure that both parties are entitled to a fair share of the property in the event of a split, relative to their respective contributions. In fact there was a thread fairly recently by a woman who was in OP's partner's position and she was absolutely ripped to shreds.

TwitterQueen1 · 23/04/2019 16:47

Can I buy a mixing bowl?
Can I buy some napkins?
Can I buy a rug?
Can I buy a lamp?
Can I buy some soup bowls?

Asking for permission to buy anything and being told 'no' will keep you firmly in your place. I couldn't live like this.

I get the whole 'protecting your investment' thing but this is so disempowering it's just not healthy.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 23/04/2019 16:49

OP I just wanted to say that I agree with everyone saying he just wants a convenient lodger to have sex with and help him pay his mortgage.

Don't you want a home of your own? Marriage? Kids?

archivearmadillo · 23/04/2019 16:53

Don't forget that you're paying less rent because you won't have your own room any more! You're paying to share your boyfriend's bed.

Comparing rent isn't like for like unless you're getting your own room to furnish as you please, and a bed to yourself.

pallisers · 23/04/2019 16:58

Before you take to heart some of the more jaundiced views expressed on this thread perhaps you should dig out a thread where the woman owns a property, earns more than the man, isn't married, and wants to know what they should do to protect their investment in the event of relationship breakdown. She'll be told the man is a "cocklodger" for not paying full market rent, and definitely to keep it strictly in her name.

Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't. But if she posted that her boyfriend asked was it ok to buy a few cushions or suggest a paint colour and she said absolutely not as this is her house, she'd be told she was overly controlling and possibly not really interested in a commitment to creating a home with the man. Which is what the OP is being told about her boyfriend.

Beargrin · 23/04/2019 17:00

Break up with him ffs.

There's something wrong with him if he doesn't want you to be a part of choosing even a bloody cushion. Red flag. Red flag.

ginghamtablecloths · 23/04/2019 17:00

It sounds a bit 'cold' to me - like you're only there to contribute to the finances but not as an equal partner.

Yes, it is 'his' house, but as a fellow 'nester' and interiors nut I'd feel very pushed to one side with his attitude. I'd rather get a little flat of my own, do it up to my taste and enjoy my own company, then tell him to get knotted.

What would happen if you bought a small picture and put it on the wall and it wasn't to his taste? I can imagine him taking it down, saying, "This is my house." Rather unkind IMHO.

krustykittens · 23/04/2019 17:01

I can understand him wanting to protect the money and the investment he has worked so hard for, I won't criticise the man for that. But he clearly does not see this as a home he shares with you. With no trace of you at all in the house you would be living in, if you split up, it would be like you were never there. That doesn't sound like commitment to me or the next step in a committed relationship. More like someone who is hedging their bets. For what, exactly? Someone 'better' to come along? He's had long enough to decide if you are the 'one', OP. If he still doesn't know or if this luke warm response is the most committed he feels he can get, you are better off having a conversation with him now. How much more time do you want to waste?

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/04/2019 17:03

Perhaps you should remind him that even though you haven't bought the house together you are paying towards the cost of the house with the rent you are paying him and therefore acquire a financial interest in it if you break up in the eyes of the law!

Renters do not acquire a financial interest in the property for which they are paying rent.

TatianaLarina · 23/04/2019 17:04

Before you take to heart some of the more jaundiced views expressed on this thread perhaps you should dig out a thread where the woman owns a property, earns more than the man, isn't married, and wants to know what they should do to protect their investment in the event of relationship breakdown. She'll be told the man is a "cocklodger" for not paying full market rent, and definitely to keep it strictly in her name.

In fact women who’ve been in that position have said on this thread that, while they owned the house, they wanted their partner to feel at home and involved in choosing things like soft furnishings.

The issue is not that he owns the house but that she is allowed to contribute nothing of herself to make it her home. That makes no difference to his ‘investment’.

TixieLix · 23/04/2019 17:04

OP, your BF is clearly telling you who he is - listen carefully.

You're 33. If your life plan is to get married and have children, then think very carefully about moving in with him, otherwise before you know it, nothing will have changed and you'll be at the age that some women consider 'too old' to start over with someone else.

As others have said, you need to have a proper conversation with your BF to decide if you have the same life goals. After 5 years (I know there was a break) you should both know what you want. If he says yes, he wants babies too, decide whether you think he's being honest with you because the clock is ticking for you not for him.

On the little information you've provided, it sounds as though he still has a lot of commitment issues.

outpinked · 23/04/2019 17:04

Cut your losses now OP, he sounds like a controlling wankpot. I’d pay more rent to be able to choose my own cushions and duvet covers ffs.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 23/04/2019 17:05

He's not commited to you long term. Do you want children? Does he?

I'd be re-evaluating everything tbh.

Mitzimaybe · 23/04/2019 17:05

Definite red flag. If you have children together and you stay home with the children, he will regard his income as HIS money and you won't be able to spend what you like. You'll probably have to justify every penny you spend on yourself and the children.

It definitely sounds like either he doesn't see a long term future with you, or else he is extremely controlling over money and possessions and this is only likely to get worse once you move in.

Having said all that, if he relented and agreed to let you buy things for the house, I'd caution you against spending money on things you can't take with you if you split up (i.e. bedlinen would be fine, you can take that.) Don't spend your money increasing the value of HIS property.

Darkstar4855 · 23/04/2019 17:09

I think he is being unreasonable. I owned my own house and when my partner first moved in I was decorating it. Even though I paid for most of the decorating and furniture I still made sure we chose colours together, picked a sofa we both were comfortable on etc. I didn’t want him to feel like a guest in MY house, I wanted it to feel like OUR home together.

Yes, technically if he is paying and it’s his house then you could argue he should get to choose everything but I’d be wary of moving in with someone who appears to care so little about your feelings.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 23/04/2019 17:09

He doesn't sound like he's that into you. I wouldn't move in tbh.

KaterinaPetrova · 23/04/2019 17:11

I wouldn't move in. You would just be paying up his mortgage with no claim to anything at the end. At least renting you don't have to share your home and you get final say in what happens there even if you're paying the mortgage for someone else too.