To wonder what the hell is going on with FIL and food?

[Moodyfoodie]

Have NC'd.
Would appreciate some perspective as starting to feel I am going a bit crazy. So visiting IL's (go to visit a few times a year, with DH and 2 small DC). So as.not to drip feed, FIL and I have clashed in personality pretty much since I met DH. He is an old fashioned, women should be seen and not heard type, I was an independent career woman when I met DH.
Anyway for the past couple of years we have all got along ok, for the sake of DC. No major issues and tolerated each other I would say.
So the past couple of times we've visited, IL have made a big meal for our family and BIL and SIL. I've noticed FIL will never offer me a drink, he will pointedly ask.SIL and BIL but not me. They'll serve a small portion of food and then if there's any leftovers, twice now FIL has made a huge point of actually standing up and asking SIL and BIL if they would like more, or just putting it on their plates, whilst completely ignoring myself and DH.

Last night we got a takeaway. I ordered a dish and we generally share everything. I put a small amount on my plate and thought I'll go back in a minute. At this point BIL gets a call from SIL and decides to go home. Said our goodbyes and that was that. Goes into the kitchen to find that FIL has given entire takeaway to BIL and SIL. So nothing left. Didn't bother asking myself and DH if we'd finished. I am not greedy but we'd had a small.plate each.

For context when they visit us I'll make them meals from scratch and offer drinks etc. as I think it's the polite thing to do if you've got guests.

They're cooking tonight and I'm honestly considering going to the local Mcdonalds, rather than sit there whilst FIL makes a big point of pointedly offering food and drink to everyone else. DH says he just 'doesn't think' but I feel like there is more to it. He's begging me not to go as it will cause an atmosphere but I feel FIL is doing that anyway, I feel quite unwelcome.

Understand this might sound petty and there.are bigger problems.in the world but really would appreciate some perspective.

Sorry that was long!

Fil is being rude. Call him out. When fil Asks If sil want a drink/food tell him you would like some. See what he does. If he doesn’t get any comeback he’s going to continue. If he ignores you, get up and leave and don’t go back

Does he think you and DH have a drink problem or a weight problem? I just can't understand the rationale otherwise? I would hav called him.out on the takeaway tbh, I'd have said "where's my chicken chow mein or whatever gone? Why did you give it away, I hadn't finished."

I'd be tempted to ask for seconds tonight, and ask for a glass of wine. See what his response is.

It's such a weird way to be passive aggressive? Does he favour BIL and SIL in other ways?

I feel it is irrelevant why your FIL is doing this. The fact he is is awful and your husband is horrible for not sticking up for you.

When he says SIL do you want a drink and then he goes to get her one and doesn't then ask you I would say why aren't you offering me a drink FIL? I wouldn't just tell him what you want as he can ignore that. Pull him up on it. Make him answer and why is everyone else there allowing you to go without ffs?

What is your DH doing about the behaviour of his father? If one of my parents acted like that to anyone I'd be having a word.

When he serves you a small amount tell him you're hungry so could you have some more. As Lollypop says, give your drinks order when he asks everyone else regardless of whether or not he's asked you.

Did you mention last night that you were planning on going back for more? You should say something and see how he tries to justify his actions.

Yes he does favour them but I think for our benefit if that makes sense. SIL doesn't speak much so I think she's more in fitting with how he thinks women should be He will sit and try and have a conversation with her even though he gets monosyllabic answers and mostly ignores me. It feels pointed.
I put up with it because I don't want to rock the boat for DH but I'm at the end of my tether.
Fwiw I am slim and not a big drinker, DH is slim, BIL is stocky. SIL slim.

Of course he knows exactly what he's doing! It's incredibly rude and childish and you need to call him out on it - not need for drama, just pretend that the offer of a drink or seconds is made to everyone at the table and say very brightly "Oh yes please I'd love a drink/another helping - thank you!". And hold out your plate or glass. It will be very hard for him to ignore you then.

If he does ignore you at this point then I'd be tempted to say bugger to keeping the bloody peace and ask him if he didn't hear you and/or why he is ignoring you!

Can't you say, "Are you not going to ask us?" or "Do you mind if I have more of that?"

Can't your husband speak to him about it when they're alone?

“FIL I’ll have a glass of red please” or whatever you fancy and keep doing it until he acknowledges you. No idea why he’s doing this OP but he’s obviously got some grudge against you.

Either that or confront him in front of everyone.

Every time he does it, OP, say "I'd love a wine, thank you" or "ooh, are there any more potatoes going round, I'll have some, thank you." Be charming and polite but call him out on his sh*t every time. He 100% knows he's doing this.

Yes, have a MacDs first then eat a few forkfuls as you are full. Take your favourite bottle of wine, give them a dribble or two. Solved.

Not sure what your dh means about causing an atmosphere.

He must surely be aware that there is an atmosphere already.

Very odd behaviour. This needs to be sorted by dh (they are his parents) and if he doesn't fix this or he doesn't realis e there is an atmosphere then you have a dh problem as well

What does dhs DM say about all this

I agree, its rude, he knows and you need to be assertive. He asks someone else if they want a drink, you chip in with your order, he offers someone more, you point out you would like some too. Call him out on it every time. No point in not rocking the boat at this point.

Did you not ask where the takeaway had gone? Sorry but I’d have made a point of ordering another one.

Your FIL clearly doesn't like you and does everything possible, aside from saying it, to let you know. Why in the hell isn't your husband saying something to him about this bullshit? I would be far more upset with him than your FIL. I would also completely refuse to visit them or entertain them in my home.

We've clashed in the past but we really have stayed on an even keel the last couple of years so I don't understand it, it's definitely a new thing, the food.

DH did ask him why with the takeaway but he played all innocent and said oh I thought everyone had finished, even though most of the food was there in the cartons.

I've said something before about the leftovers, like DH might want some but it causes a horrible atmosphere and everyone goes silent. I know it sounds odd, it is.

DH finds an excuse for FIL every time, I think he is scared of him actually.
MIL would never go against anything FIL did or said, whether she thought it was right or not. She thinks he is a God.

I'd stock up beforehand, and when he's fed everyone else I'd pull a sarnie out of my bag and sit and eat it. If he says anything then you could point out that he never offers you anything so you thought you'd better sort your own food out.

I can be stroppy though, so probably not the best course of action if you are bothered about family harmony. Although in your shoes I'd be refusing to spend time with such a rude arsehole in the first place.

He's treating you like that because you are letting him.

It's a way for him to feel that he is in control and keeping you in your place.

Don't let him bully you. Speak out, stand up for yourself, take control of the serving spoons!

He's being a passive-aggressive prick. Passive-aggression is the favoured tool of the cowardly bully because they rely on it being just subtle enough that their target will not have confidence to call them out, just in case they're mistaken. He's done this often enough that you know you're not mistaken though. Call him out, tell him he's being a total prick and if he wants to continue to have a relationship with you he'll start showing you some basic goddamned respect. If you're husband has more of a spine than his dad he will not hesitate to back you up.

There was a similar thread the other day where the MIL didn't give the OP any dinner. As always you gave a DH problem
... and yourself if you allow him to treat you this way.

When can you go home? After dinner tonight I would be tempted to say “if you are going to be so inhospitable then we aren’t staying” then just pack up and leave. Or else just pile more than you would like onto your plate and tuck in and then leave some. If anything is mentioned you just say “well I needed to make sure I got enough being as I don’t get offered seconds”.

I would definately tell DH you won’t ever be staying there again!

YANBU he sounds ridiculous. I'm surprised BiL took all the bloody take away with him even if he was offered it. I'd have taken the dish I ordered and nothing else. DH should stick up for you. If he won't I would stick up for myself. If he's offering everyone else more food I'd say "yes please I'll have some more". If he says there's none left then I would absolutely say I was going to Mcdonalds.

If it happens tonight you and your dh go to a takeaway and bring yourselves a meal back.