To wonder what the hell is going on with FIL and food?

[Moodyfoodie]

Have NC'd.
Would appreciate some perspective as starting to feel I am going a bit crazy. So visiting IL's (go to visit a few times a year, with DH and 2 small DC). So as.not to drip feed, FIL and I have clashed in personality pretty much since I met DH. He is an old fashioned, women should be seen and not heard type, I was an independent career woman when I met DH.
Anyway for the past couple of years we have all got along ok, for the sake of DC. No major issues and tolerated each other I would say.
So the past couple of times we've visited, IL have made a big meal for our family and BIL and SIL. I've noticed FIL will never offer me a drink, he will pointedly ask.SIL and BIL but not me. They'll serve a small portion of food and then if there's any leftovers, twice now FIL has made a huge point of actually standing up and asking SIL and BIL if they would like more, or just putting it on their plates, whilst completely ignoring myself and DH.

Last night we got a takeaway. I ordered a dish and we generally share everything. I put a small amount on my plate and thought I'll go back in a minute. At this point BIL gets a call from SIL and decides to go home. Said our goodbyes and that was that. Goes into the kitchen to find that FIL has given entire takeaway to BIL and SIL. So nothing left. Didn't bother asking myself and DH if we'd finished. I am not greedy but we'd had a small.plate each.

For context when they visit us I'll make them meals from scratch and offer drinks etc. as I think it's the polite thing to do if you've got guests.

They're cooking tonight and I'm honestly considering going to the local Mcdonalds, rather than sit there whilst FIL makes a big point of pointedly offering food and drink to everyone else. DH says he just 'doesn't think' but I feel like there is more to it. He's begging me not to go as it will cause an atmosphere but I feel FIL is doing that anyway, I feel quite unwelcome.

Understand this might sound petty and there.are bigger problems.in the world but really would appreciate some perspective.

He’s a rude, childish, bullying arsehole.
Your DH needs to grow a spine.
My DP would never allow his parents to treat me like that and vice versa.
I wouldn’t give a shit if he was the greatest GP ever, I’d be giving him a wide berth and he wouldn’t be round my kids either. What sort of example does it set to your DC to see their Granddad be so fucking twatty.

Well, bloody well done. I would be taking a step back. You don't have to say anything. Don't invite them to yours. For ages. And if they invite you, say you can't go for a few times, so that it really sinks in that if they aren't pleasant you don't want to be around them. Even better if you never see them again.

That would drive me mental. He's doing this in front of all the family. I'd make a big joke of it every single bloody time until he feels like a dick...

Your DH might even need some counselling. Not normal behaviour...

He’s a prick.
I’d def be calling him out on it. My FIL could also be a wanker like this esp when the kids were young and fussy with food.

I had a similar problem. I could have handled it more confidently looking back, but my DH thought I was being a bit over sensitive, and I didn't want to over react. His aunt and uncle were similar in being frosty most of the time and overlooking me with drinks and food at social gatherings. Their son has since apologised to me for their treatment, and it's been acknowledged by the rest of our generation. Humour is often the best way through. And insisting that your DH looks out for you in such situations (with more discretion than mine did I hope). My FIL is dead now and, sadly, I cannot say I miss the old bugger.

Agree with all the comments about just answering as if you expect him to offer to you too. By playing along you are enabling his rudeness to go unnoticed - so he gets to be rude AND not be publicly seen as being rude - win, win. Whenever extras/drinks are offered, jump in with a winning smile and a 'yes please' - he can't say no without showing his hand, and I suspect he doesn't want to. Any comeback that he makes, bat away with cheery smiles and an assumption of his excellent hosting and good will:
FIL: haven't you had enough?
"No, no, it's so delicious I'd love seconds, thanks!'
FIL: are you sure another drink is a good idea?
'No, I've had the same as BIL and SIL so definitely room for another glass thanks - I do love your wine glasses by the way'
FIL: I thought you'd finished
'Goodness no, I just had a little starter - you know I always love to eat at yours as the foods so great'

Far more satisfying than going low contact, as you put him on the wrong foot. It'll take a bit of getting used to, as most of us are used to waiting to be asked at other's houses, but if you position every request as a compliment to the host what can he say?!

Fwiw, my husband is still a little scared of his parents - esp his dad - who is lovely really, but ruled the roost with an iron rod when they were little, and disagreement was just not acceptable. FIL (& MIL) are traditional and my career woman status was simultaneously a pride and a confusion to them. DH is my greatest protector in general, but making his parents annoyed is a huge deal for him, and he'll put us out rather than do so (eg he'll accept stuff he knows we don't want or need because FIL has offered it, rather than saying, no thanks). I however, come from a family where argument and frustrations are expressed at will ;-)

FIL found it challenging to start with as he just wasn't used to it, but now thinks it funny when I contradict him or say no, and will listen with attention and admit he's wrong (when he is). If I'd listened to dh, I would have gone along with their every whim, but actually where we are now is much healthier, and seeing how well it works has helped DH start to disagree with him on occasions too. However, my FIL is essentially a very good person, and wants the best for us - including me - so I acknowledge this may be a false equivalency!

but I worry that he'll see that as proof that he has bothered me iyswim.

He has bothered you. What he needs to see is that you won't stand for it, not that you didn't notice!

My ILs used to do stuff like this, OP.

As well as making sure I wasn’t passed or offered food or drink, they bought presents for me that were markedly ‘lesser’ in size and cost - but similar so that when we opened them in a group, it was clear to me that I was not ‘favoured’. So I would get bubble bath, SIL (the other son’s wife) a set with fluffy dressing gown and bubble bath.

You are not letting them do it, btw, as some have suggested. It’s not your fault. They see you as a threat and want to put you down a peg or two, I would guess. Mine are nearly ex-ILs now, and it is fantastic not having to deal with them any more.

DH's aunt was the same to me. She only got to do it a couple of times before I realised it wasn't a mistake and insisted we always stopped at McDonald's around the corner from her house.

Then not only did she not get the satisfaction of not giving me more than half a sandwich or a single sausage at a BBQ with no accompaniments, she also didn't get a chance to pointedly load up the plates of DH and DD in front of me. We never see her now and she moans that we never visit. I wonder why...

Serve them pasta and pesto when they next come to yours.

FiL is a bully. Typical MO, doing stuff that you look silly if you pick him up on it.

Have had a controlling relative like this. They insisted on paying for everything, but then everyone was only allowed one drink. We’d far rather have paid and had what we wanted.

I get how it can wrong foot you though. It feels wrong - rude - to say anything other than “thank you” when someone else is paying. But no way should you be going hungry, and I agree that your D.C. shouldn’t witness you being treated so badly.

It’s a difficult one, I’d try to avoid situations where they are hosting if I could, and also try to show your DH what normal, good hosting looks like. Make sure he can’t hide from what his father is doing.

Please do let us all know how things pan out - and what strategy you used!

Prime your OH to look out for it so he can see it for himself. Horrible when people call you sensitive or overreacting when you have a perfectly valid point 😡

What a twat of a man. He sounds the type who feel undermined and belittled by women and this is his way of wielding his power.
My MIL was like this to me in a bitter, jealous kind of way. Thank goodness she is dead now but what worked for me was to be overly happy about what she was doing. For example, if he serves up small portions then say 'That's too much, I'm afraid (FIL) - how could I possibly manage that - chuckle'. Take your own drink to the table in a non descript bottle and pretend that it's all you are drinking at the moment and don't have enough to share.
Ensure you have food in your room to snack on and before long I guarantee that he'll be falling over himself to give you more food and drink. This is the game that you need to play with him.

I agree with a cheery 'coffee for me too please' and 'gosh I'm startling tonight, I'll have seconds'
Get what you need, take wine and serve everyone it with a smile.
What is there to complain about??

Interesting thread, because my father behaved like this.

So while I can see that your husband 'ought' to challenge this, it's very hard to break the mould in dysfunctional families.

My mother didn't want my father upset and my two brothers were also very used to his bullying ways. It's as if nobody sees it/wants to see it - and the person who quite reasonably challenges the behaviour is, instead, seen as 'the difficult one.'

I think it would be useful to talk to your partner honestly about what you see going on there and how it makes you feel. But also to ask him about his own feelings about his father. Does he enjoy visiting him? What would he like his relationship to his father be like?

There's also the question of giving children a chance to have a relationship with their grandparents. (This is one which I found difficult. But I used to visit my father fairly regularly because I think children do want to know their grandparents and if grandparents are loving towards their grandchildren it's worth maintaining some sort of contact.)

No easy answers. But I hope you can at least have a good conversations with your husband about the problem.

Sorry OP, but you need to call fil out on this, fuck rocking the boat, sink the bastard!! And your dp really needs to back you up aswell. You are playing into his hands by being exactly what he expects women to be. Personally, this would enrage me and would 't be able to stop myself raging at him. The old prick.

This would make me raaaaaage. I think if someone deliberately excluded me when food and wine was being distributed I'd have tears in my eyes. It's so deliberately mean and spiteful Agree with PP about piping up "I'll have some more too please!"

If I get upset over it and say I'm not putting up with it, DH gets emotional, I mean physically upset and anxious that this will offend his Father

If you husband is more concerned about offending his father than he is about his wife being offended and upset then maybe you should suggest he goes back to live with him?

Personally I would start limiting my visits. I certainly wouldn't want my children to be in that toxic atmosphere (and I don't know how old they are but they'll pick it up sooner or later). Let your DH go and see his parents. Stay at home with your DC and cook a lovely meal.

It's the GPs who will lose out as they won't see their GC so much … which isn't a bad thing considering how much of a sadistic emotional blackmailing bully he is!

Just want to say thanks again. Just to hear how others have gone through it and stuff I can absolutely relate to, it's helping me immeasurably.

Is this an older man thing? STBX used to cook for me, take me out to dinner, all of it. Now he serves me tiny portions, never wants to eat out, comments all the time on how much I eat, and does the giving all leftovers to his Dd to take home thing. And at Xmas for our "special meal" he tried to serve a bean sprout sitirfry which was 3 days out of date. It was slimy and sticking to the bag. I called him out and he had a go at me for checking the date. I refused it. Never felt the same about him since. Sorry I'm not hijacking the thread but I wonder if "weird about food" is a bigger subset of "older men" than I realised. Come to think of it, my DF used to "hide" food so only bread and marg were available to me and DB. Then DF would eat the cheese, ham whatever later. OP well done for going out, I wouldn't bother to go again.

I think you answered your own question in the OP. He is accustomed to being treated as god. You don't do it, so you must be squashed.

Of course they called you emotional and mad! Misogyny 101, lesson one. You're not a sweet, compliant, man-pleasing little woman, therefore you're a crazy, hypersexual, trouser-wearing witch (classic virgin / whore dichotomous conception of womanhood). He'd just as easily 'not think' to save you from burning at the stake as to offer you a drink. Horrible but I think, for so many woman-hating men, true.

The only other thing I'd add is what will you say when your children ask about why mum doesn't get a drink etc. Will you also be saying it's just grandads way...

Poor you. See if you can get DH to agree tactics with you for the next time you go. When FIL misses you out the first time then you could say (as others have suggested) DFIL did you forget to offer me a drink? The next time you are bypassed DH can say DF did you forget to offer Moody some veg (or whatever)? If you turn it in to a polite enquiry he has to answer - especially if you have your DH alternating with you. Then the next time you visit the same again but reminding him he forgot last time too (and actually on several previous occasions) and that you are really getting concerned about his memory and perhaps he should see a Dr ASAP ..... You could also say in hushed tones that it may not be best for your DC to see their poor beloved DGF deteriorating in this way and you will carefully consider whether they should visit in the near future as it may be just too upsetting for them......Personally I would probably have to give him a broad wink at this stage when no one else could see just to let him know I was on to him and ahead of the ‘game’.....

Sounds like he’s being a petty arse to me. I agree with what others say, call him out on if or make a big point of saying yes I’d like a drink/some too. I wouldn’t keep going over to be treated like that. Your DH should stick up for you more, and himself.