To wonder what the hell is going on with FIL and food?

[Moodyfoodie]

Have NC'd.
Would appreciate some perspective as starting to feel I am going a bit crazy. So visiting IL's (go to visit a few times a year, with DH and 2 small DC). So as.not to drip feed, FIL and I have clashed in personality pretty much since I met DH. He is an old fashioned, women should be seen and not heard type, I was an independent career woman when I met DH.
Anyway for the past couple of years we have all got along ok, for the sake of DC. No major issues and tolerated each other I would say.
So the past couple of times we've visited, IL have made a big meal for our family and BIL and SIL. I've noticed FIL will never offer me a drink, he will pointedly ask.SIL and BIL but not me. They'll serve a small portion of food and then if there's any leftovers, twice now FIL has made a huge point of actually standing up and asking SIL and BIL if they would like more, or just putting it on their plates, whilst completely ignoring myself and DH.

Last night we got a takeaway. I ordered a dish and we generally share everything. I put a small amount on my plate and thought I'll go back in a minute. At this point BIL gets a call from SIL and decides to go home. Said our goodbyes and that was that. Goes into the kitchen to find that FIL has given entire takeaway to BIL and SIL. So nothing left. Didn't bother asking myself and DH if we'd finished. I am not greedy but we'd had a small.plate each.

For context when they visit us I'll make them meals from scratch and offer drinks etc. as I think it's the polite thing to do if you've got guests.

They're cooking tonight and I'm honestly considering going to the local Mcdonalds, rather than sit there whilst FIL makes a big point of pointedly offering food and drink to everyone else. DH says he just 'doesn't think' but I feel like there is more to it. He's begging me not to go as it will cause an atmosphere but I feel FIL is doing that anyway, I feel quite unwelcome.

Understand this might sound petty and there.are bigger problems.in the world but really would appreciate some perspective.

Would you be able to talk to him about why he thought for a a single moment that trying to control your access to a place where you were getting support was okay? Do you think he is self-aware enough to realise what he was doing and how unacceptable that it? If so, I would start there.

Otherwise, I think you have to do your own thing here without his support, I'm afraid. He will just have to deal with your refusal to be bullied by FiL or himself.

I agree with pp. If he won't go to counselling, go on your own, on a long term basis to help you understand the dynamic and what your options are.

Always what a poster initially puts here is the tip of the iceberg.

He actually went through a process of blocking your access to objective reflections on his father's abusive behaviour.

Thereby replicating his father's abusive behaviour.

Weird, huh.

My MIL in law does this to me. She's very rude to me about my weight and seems to enjoy giving me a tiny meal and everyone else a huge one. After one particularly meagre meal, resulting in evening empty tummy rumbling I rebelled and grabbed a biscuit out of my bag. She told me I should put it down and if i absolutely hard to eat something it should be fruit

@ktp100 that’s disgusting!! I swear all MIL live for making their DIL uncomfortable! I hope and pray I’m not the same when I have a grown son. If she says that again about biscuits/chocolates etc I’d say “and why is that?” Make her say what she’s implying. She think by implying it and not saying it out loud she can get away with it!

@MummyToBe89 you're exactly right, she's gotten away with it for years now so she thinks she can carryon. She's getting worse though. I think she wants an argument, to be honest. The only time i've ever snapped back at her is when she's been mean to our son or my family members. Thanks, that's a good idea, I think I will just start pushing her to openly state her vileness.

I definitely think you should. There’s too many people in the world who think they can get away with snidey remarks because people won’t pull them up on them!!

@ktp100 oooh I like mummytobe89’s “and why is that?”

There is also, if she outright says what you think she’s thinking, well, it’s a good job I am not a child/your child. Or similar... a good job I am a grown person who can decide for themselves. The best thing about being a grown up? You can eat cake for breakfast if you want, and it’s nobody's business but you’re own! GL!

Every time a poster says their husband is 'amazing' or brilliant or lovely or a 'great dad' you can guarantee the guy's a weapon's grade cunt.

@elsabadogigante hahaha I may have to borrow that. On a different note MN needs the option of a crying laughing face!

I think these situations are difficult. you need your OH on board with you.