To wonder what the hell is going on with FIL and food?

[Moodyfoodie]

Have NC'd.
Would appreciate some perspective as starting to feel I am going a bit crazy. So visiting IL's (go to visit a few times a year, with DH and 2 small DC). So as.not to drip feed, FIL and I have clashed in personality pretty much since I met DH. He is an old fashioned, women should be seen and not heard type, I was an independent career woman when I met DH.
Anyway for the past couple of years we have all got along ok, for the sake of DC. No major issues and tolerated each other I would say.
So the past couple of times we've visited, IL have made a big meal for our family and BIL and SIL. I've noticed FIL will never offer me a drink, he will pointedly ask.SIL and BIL but not me. They'll serve a small portion of food and then if there's any leftovers, twice now FIL has made a huge point of actually standing up and asking SIL and BIL if they would like more, or just putting it on their plates, whilst completely ignoring myself and DH.

Last night we got a takeaway. I ordered a dish and we generally share everything. I put a small amount on my plate and thought I'll go back in a minute. At this point BIL gets a call from SIL and decides to go home. Said our goodbyes and that was that. Goes into the kitchen to find that FIL has given entire takeaway to BIL and SIL. So nothing left. Didn't bother asking myself and DH if we'd finished. I am not greedy but we'd had a small.plate each.

For context when they visit us I'll make them meals from scratch and offer drinks etc. as I think it's the polite thing to do if you've got guests.

They're cooking tonight and I'm honestly considering going to the local Mcdonalds, rather than sit there whilst FIL makes a big point of pointedly offering food and drink to everyone else. DH says he just 'doesn't think' but I feel like there is more to it. He's begging me not to go as it will cause an atmosphere but I feel FIL is doing that anyway, I feel quite unwelcome.

Understand this might sound petty and there.are bigger problems.in the world but really would appreciate some perspective.

I see OP has De-registered....

Erm..nope. still here and reading.

Regarding the blocking, he did that in anger to me basically taking a strong stand on this. He knows full well I have access to MN on my 4g and that he can't block me forever, so to speak.

Thank you again for your comments and support. It has helped more than you know.

In lots of ways my DH is amazing, honestly. I know this is a massive issue but he is so unlike FIL in many ways.

another minute with his cuntox father he would be getting a full on Broadway show... and he can visit solo from now on as i would be standing up for myself, showing husband how its done, every single chance i got, and if daddy dearest hates the word crap........WELL hes in for a big surprise cause my fave word is CUNT!!!!

I fucking love this

You're wasted on that family.

"Oh shit, FIL, fucking hell, crap, did I swear? Jesus Christ on a Fucking Pogo stick, I'm such a cunt, and you're such a bastard, I'm bloody certain I did! What a bitch! Soz, old chap'. . .

He blocked you in anger did he?
I don't think this is ok at all he's treating you like a child censoring your internet access because you spoke out about something that puts him in a bad light, it's a bit like grounding you because you've been a naughty girl

Don't minimise this. It doesn't matter whether he did it in anger or not, it's still controlling and abusive, and you need to nip it in the bud now.

If he really is that wonderful, he'll be willing to go to counselling, so he can see that he's been conditioned by his abusive upbringing, and learn how to break away from the FOG.

Regarding the blocking, he did that in anger to me basically taking a strong stand on this. He knows full well I have access to MN on my 4g and that he can't block me forever, so to speak

OP, this is seriously weird behaviour man your bloke has proper issues.

Passive aggressive behavior

Trying to put you in your place

Blocking your WiFi is super childish and despicable

Sigh

When will men grow up

Oh he did it in anger, did he? Well that makes it ok.

He can block you in anger is an issue all on its own , add to it that he can’t say boo to his dad... op it’s not great. Have you been very clear that he may never do that to you again?

I think it is interesting that your DH is not happy that you have discussed the situation with other people. He must know on some level that FIL is doing it deliberately, yet he wants to continue to tell you it is accidental or that you are imagining it.

When you get objective views, he closes your access to those views down.

It doesn't reflect well on him I'm afraid.

Your DH blocked Mumsnet on WiFi!!!! What controlling behaviour to put you in your place. Fil would be proud.

You sound great OP, I hope your DH starts deserving you.

Your DH is now abusing you on his father's behalf.

Wait until your DC start questioning things and he does it to them too.

Bullying children will be easier for him than challenging FIL, don't you think?

I understand that your DH is trapped in FOG, has no idea how 'decent normality' would look in his family or how to achieve that, and is terrified and panicky that you're trying to pull his head out of its position deeply embedded in sand. He needs help.

But, don't make the mistake of thinking something done in fear or anger is 'just' transient, or in some other way not real. Knee-jerk panicky action is exactly what most abuse and bullying IS. That's something I've learnt from reading these boards - and when you think about it and about your own instant panic reactions to things, like DC running into roads, it make a lot of sense.

Most abusive people are damaged people, they are not cold, evil schemers. It's just that the things that cause a damaged person to panic and act to curtail others' freedom, are not the normal 'preserving others' safety' reactions that we all have, they are things that protect that person's warped sense of themselves and the weird interpersonal world they inhabit.

That is what your DH is doing with the wifi. It IS part of the bigger picture. He WILL do it and things like it, again.

Your husband is most definitely not amazing.

That it would even occur to him to block your access to a website is utterly shocking.

This man doesn't have your back; he's no partner to you.

Like father like son.

The blocking you from MN is actually very troubling behaviour. What does it say about his fundamental attitudes to you and to women in general? He might not display it in the same way, but are you sure that FiL´s attitudes haven't been passed on to his son? It sounds like there is a pattern of him wanting you to shut up and do as you are told, but rather than directly bullying you, he is doing it through emotional manipulation.

Tell DH that he should have told you that he agrees with his father that women should be seen and not heard. Before you agreed to share your life with him.

Fuck. Ok I am literally at a loss. I hear you but how on Earth do I unravel this then? So first step, DH refuses counselling, scoffs at it actually. What would you honestly do? My DC come first. They will always come first and he's a great dad to them.

I won't be seeing FIL for a long time, he can fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck.

Sorry but that really does help just typing that.

I would also say that the IL's sitaution is our only major issue. He isn't controlling or weird over other stuff. His reaction to IL, in particular FIL, is extreme and out of the ordinary for him.

How old are dc? Have they noticed how their dgd treats you? And that your dh says nothing?

He scoffs at counselling... What does he suggest? Does he know you're not going to be involved with them again? Does the dgd bully your dc?

Well, I'd be saying to him, if you're not prepared to stick up for me with your father and family, and you're also not prepared to go to counselling, then you need to be prepared for me to have some bottom lines of my own.

I will not be going to the In-laws, and the inlaws are not welcome here. We will not be spending any celebrations with them. If you want to see them, you will be seeing them on your own. If the children WISH to seem them, they can go with you, but if they do not, they will be staying with me.

If he's quite happy to respect that bottom line, in return for you acceding to his refusal to attempt to adjust or modify either his, or his father's behaviour, then I guess there has been compromise on both sides.

Well, you could use what he did with the wifi as a way in to start a discussion. He did that to you, in your own home.

FIL was not present or responsible (directly).

Ask him to explain why he did that and go from there.

Your DH and your FIL sound exactly the same - they are both trying to silence you into acceptability through ways that are not visible to outsiders. Blocking MN because you might get support here is just another version of underfeeding you and then claiming you are overreacting about it - they only want you surrounded by people who are going to tell you you are mistaken and wrong about what you are experiencing. It's literal gaslighting.

Go to counselling on your own OP. That's how you unravel it. Don't just go a few times, commit to a long term undertaking to work out what is going on and how it is impacting you.

Get a copy of Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward. Get a copy of Toxic Parents as well, to help you understand DH.

He is trying to stop you questioning the status quo because he knows it is wrong. It is easier for him and FIL if everybody just plays along and pretends this is fine. He will happily stand by while your children grow up watching their mother being bullied. What lesson will they take into their lives after that? That's it's ok to belittle, control, silence and demean women in both subtle and overt ways, and it's the woman's job to smile and pretend everything is great. If she questions this- then she is the problem.

There is a fucked up dynamic at play, and it does not live solely within your FIL. It has made its way to your home and even your bloody wifi connection!

Also to OP's husband, if you are reading this- you're acting like an arsehole and your wife deserves better. Sort yourself out immediately.