To wonder what the hell is going on with FIL and food?

[Moodyfoodie]

Have NC'd.
Would appreciate some perspective as starting to feel I am going a bit crazy. So visiting IL's (go to visit a few times a year, with DH and 2 small DC). So as.not to drip feed, FIL and I have clashed in personality pretty much since I met DH. He is an old fashioned, women should be seen and not heard type, I was an independent career woman when I met DH.
Anyway for the past couple of years we have all got along ok, for the sake of DC. No major issues and tolerated each other I would say.
So the past couple of times we've visited, IL have made a big meal for our family and BIL and SIL. I've noticed FIL will never offer me a drink, he will pointedly ask.SIL and BIL but not me. They'll serve a small portion of food and then if there's any leftovers, twice now FIL has made a huge point of actually standing up and asking SIL and BIL if they would like more, or just putting it on their plates, whilst completely ignoring myself and DH.

Last night we got a takeaway. I ordered a dish and we generally share everything. I put a small amount on my plate and thought I'll go back in a minute. At this point BIL gets a call from SIL and decides to go home. Said our goodbyes and that was that. Goes into the kitchen to find that FIL has given entire takeaway to BIL and SIL. So nothing left. Didn't bother asking myself and DH if we'd finished. I am not greedy but we'd had a small.plate each.

For context when they visit us I'll make them meals from scratch and offer drinks etc. as I think it's the polite thing to do if you've got guests.

They're cooking tonight and I'm honestly considering going to the local Mcdonalds, rather than sit there whilst FIL makes a big point of pointedly offering food and drink to everyone else. DH says he just 'doesn't think' but I feel like there is more to it. He's begging me not to go as it will cause an atmosphere but I feel FIL is doing that anyway, I feel quite unwelcome.

Understand this might sound petty and there.are bigger problems.in the world but really would appreciate some perspective.

And PA is actually Aggressive.

I would actually ASK and though if it creates an atmosphere. Why in earth should you be left out or end up hungry because your FIL wants to make a point?
Also by keeping things quiet and going along with it, you do realise that he is managing to make you do EXACTLY what he wanted, aka keeping you at your place, silent??

What about the dcs? Are they also not getting enough because your FIL has decided to only give seconds to BIL and SIL?

What a twat. Next time he askes SiL what she wants to drink you follow her answer with 'same for me please' or 'make that two'.

I'm sorry your DH is unable to stand up to his father.

I would tell him you'll be cutting back on the visits since the dynamic is clearly unhealthy, and your DH doesn't support you when his father is being openly rude to you. You are not going to go and put up with that.

When I find myself in situations like this, I stop it from happening by not putting myself in that position again. Essentially, I would stop going there for dinner. If I did eat with them it would be at a restaurant where the waiter comes and takes everyone's drinks and food order and there is no chance that he can pull these passive aggressive stunts.

Failing that, if you're having a takeaway, fill your plate with as much as you would normally eat and do not leave the table (not even for a wee!) until you have finished. Take your own bottle of wine and a glass and pull it out when he fails to offer you a drink. Don't say anything, just do it.

"DH says he just 'doesn't think' but I feel like there is more to it. He's begging me not to go [tp MacDonalds] as it will cause an atmosphere but I feel FIL is doing that anyway, I feel quite unwelcome."
'Doesn't think', my arse! He thinks a great deal about it, and is probably congratulating himself on having found a way to be rude to you that his son pemits.

Your husband needs to stop being so wet. Is he afraid of his father?

And where is your MIL in all this? Does she say anything?

I'd be going a hell of a lot less. I understand your DH not wanting to rock the boat - but it's unreasonable to expect you to consistently be treated so rudely - and it's pointed enough that as the children get older, they're going to question why you're treated that way, and also why the two of you just mutely accept it.

Your FIL knows exactly what he's doing.

Is there any way you can avoid being there for meals? Leaving before meal times, for example, or if they live too far away so you have to stay over, could you get an AirBnB, motel, or hotel, and stay there instead?

When they come to yours, I'd return fire. I'd be telling DH that I would not be serving the man neither food, nor drink, it was up to him to keep the misogynistic bore fed and watered. I would however, be effusive in my hospitality to his wife - I can imagine that would really get the old sod's goat.

My in-laws and the rest of my husband's family used to be like this with me and i used to ask loudly if i was invisible, nobody acknowledged me when i said it even my husband didn't bat an eye. I had a serious discussion with my husband and told him if he didn't speak up for me I would never visit them again. He did it once but things didn't improve much so I stopped visiting and he went alone. I don't tolerate anyone doing that now and have words with them myself. Life is too short to waste on people who don't care for you. Tell your huband to take himself and the kids and you do something you want.

That’s ridiculous that nobody calls him out!

Everyone else in the room is enabling this!!

What about MIL? If my husband did that I’d call it out instantly!

What about BIL and SIL?! They sit there drinking and don’t wonder what you’re having????

Your DH needs to call it out too. And, failing that you will have to call him out. Everyone else knows it’s happening and they will be even more embarrassed if you have to do the calling out.

Also: kill with kindness. Bring food and drink. Offer your own wine around (we tried this the other day and it was lovely so I thought I’d bring some’). Bring dessert. Bring your favourite cheese...?

Don’t let these thing pass op

Does he think you are free loaders? Not suggesting you are but trying to work out his rational for being so rude.

Who knows what's going on with him, but I wouldn't tackle him as he will just deny it.

I would sit through dinner and then when the coffee is being drunk (possibly by everyone except you!) catch your DH's eye and say cheerfully and casually "Shall we make a move soon? I'm starving!"

just pretend that the offer of a drink or seconds is made to everyone at the table and say very brightly "Oh yes please I'd love a drink/another helping - thank you!". And hold out your plate or glass.

I agree with this.

And your DH really needs to step up.

just pretend that the offer of a drink or seconds is made to everyone at the table and say very brightly "Oh yes please I'd love a drink/another helping - thank you!". And hold out your plate or glass.

third this. if you say it with a smile it shouldnt cause an atmosphere ... and if it does then say something more overt.

alternatively start helping yourselves/offer others..if you're staying with family it should be a given that you can help yourselves. surely your hosts can't wait on you for every drink/meal while you are staying.

Ah right, I've cross-posted with you about MIL, she's completely ground down by this petty little tyrant.

I think I'd go with ControversialFerret's suggestion.
"I'd stock up beforehand, and when he's fed everyone else I'd pull a sarnie out of my bag and sit and eat it. If he says anything then you could point out that he never offers you anything so you thought you'd better sort your own food out."
I'd probably employ the phrase "bad host" at some point too. Something tells me it would totally infuriate him.

FIL does this because he can. Because his wife thinks he's god and his sons are afraid of him.

Well, fuck that shit. Your husband needs to get away from this. I get why he says nothing, he's in FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to his father, you're not because you met him as a fully-formed adult, which is why you can see him for what he is. And that's why you should get your husband out of this deeply dysfunctional dynamic with his parents.

I'd also be reconsidering whether to have any relationship at all with his parents. I'd be concerned with what behaviour they're modelling to your children.

He sounds like a childish arse

Kill it with kindness, as others have suggested. Be overly cheerily nice EVERY time with your "Oh yes please, I'd love another helping / drink, thank you SO much!" He will know you are being sarky, but he will have no comeback and no choice but to acknowledge you.

And if that doesn't work and the behaviour continues, I'd seriously consider cutting down on the family meals etc... flying visit, quick hello for the DCs sake, fuck him and his rudeness.

Maybe. They do treat the children a lot and pay for a lot but that's why I make a fuss when they come to us, I cook and bake and make endless cups of tea.

I think FIL is quite protective of wine, that's my instinct. I know he drinks around a bottle a night. There is also never a pudding! Maybe we should bring one and then I'll sit there and scoff it all myself in front of them.

So how does he treat your children?

Yes, exactly what Whereyouleftit said - this man is totally controlling and the dynamic has obviously been in place for a very long time, since DH’s childhood (or before if MIL is completely terrified of standing up to her husband)

Don’t let your DC see this behaviour as acceptable, it is totally destructive. Your DH needs to pull away from his father and so do you.

I feel a bit sorry for your MIL, married to him.

Stop visiting them, that’s all you need to do.

X-Post!

I'd take my own wine, a really nice one, and offer a little to everyone except him, or make sure you serve carefully so there's not enough left for him. Good idea to take a dessert with you. Be selective how you offer that round too.

Maybe he senses you hate him & he's afraid to ask a question in case you bite his head off.

i wouldnt visit someone like that-i once had an argument with mil-she forced her opnions about everything

dh told her to cut it out or we wouldnt be coming back again-it stopped and he worshipped his mother

your dh is the pproblem here he doesnt have your back

Who paid for the takeaway he gave away?