Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what the hell is going on with FIL and food?

261 replies

Moodyfoodie · 22/04/2019 16:30

Have NC'd.
Would appreciate some perspective as starting to feel I am going a bit crazy. So visiting IL's (go to visit a few times a year, with DH and 2 small DC). So as.not to drip feed, FIL and I have clashed in personality pretty much since I met DH. He is an old fashioned, women should be seen and not heard type, I was an independent career woman when I met DH.
Anyway for the past couple of years we have all got along ok, for the sake of DC. No major issues and tolerated each other I would say.
So the past couple of times we've visited, IL have made a big meal for our family and BIL and SIL. I've noticed FIL will never offer me a drink, he will pointedly ask.SIL and BIL but not me. They'll serve a small portion of food and then if there's any leftovers, twice now FIL has made a huge point of actually standing up and asking SIL and BIL if they would like more, or just putting it on their plates, whilst completely ignoring myself and DH.

Last night we got a takeaway. I ordered a dish and we generally share everything. I put a small amount on my plate and thought I'll go back in a minute. At this point BIL gets a call from SIL and decides to go home. Said our goodbyes and that was that. Goes into the kitchen to find that FIL has given entire takeaway to BIL and SIL. So nothing left. Didn't bother asking myself and DH if we'd finished. I am not greedy but we'd had a small.plate each.

For context when they visit us I'll make them meals from scratch and offer drinks etc. as I think it's the polite thing to do if you've got guests.

They're cooking tonight and I'm honestly considering going to the local Mcdonalds, rather than sit there whilst FIL makes a big point of pointedly offering food and drink to everyone else. DH says he just 'doesn't think' but I feel like there is more to it. He's begging me not to go as it will cause an atmosphere but I feel FIL is doing that anyway, I feel quite unwelcome.

Understand this might sound petty and there.are bigger problems.in the world but really would appreciate some perspective.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 22/04/2019 17:45

Why bother going?

If he’s going to be a rude arsehole stop going until he stops behaving this way.

Original poster
Moodyfoodie · 22/04/2019 17:49

Maybe he senses you hate him & he's afraid to ask a question in case you bite his head off.

I was actually wondering if that's what he wants, he loves an argument with me but it hasn't happened in a few years. I think perhaps he has got fed up with the status quo and fancies a row again. He know the food thing is winding me up. He also knows that DH is scared to stand up to him. I think he is a bully, I just don't know.what to do about it.

He buys the DC things, Lego and nice toys which they love and is essentially a good grandad but I worry that if I stop visiting then he will have no-one to goad and will he then start on my kids? Especially youngest DC who is a lot like me in looks and personality.

OP posts:
regmover · 22/04/2019 17:49

Stuff your DH, you are entitled to interact in this in your own right. Just do as others have suggested - "Can I nip out to the kitchen and get a couple more potatoes before we start?" "Yes please, red wine for me please".

If it causes some sort of outburst at least all is out in the open and you'll have your chance to say your piece. Something along the lines of how you are always a considerate host to them, and if that's not reciprocated DH will have to visit on his own next time.

Original poster
Moodyfoodie · 22/04/2019 17:50

Who paid for the takeaway he gave away?

They did. We always offer to give some, always.

OP posts:
regmover · 22/04/2019 17:50

If he starts on your kids then they stop visiting as well. In a way he's buying your silence at the moment.

AspergersMum · 22/04/2019 17:54

Agree with not going back. They can visit you, if they behave and are invited. Otherwise your children are seeing you get degraded by a man and that is not OK. I haven't regretted using this tactic myself.

CustardySergeant · 22/04/2019 17:58

"At this point BIL gets a call from SIL and decides to go home. Said our goodbyes and that was that."

But wasn't SIL there with BIL?

Original poster
Moodyfoodie · 22/04/2019 18:02

Not on takeaway night. If she isn't there and it's a meal, a roast or whatever, a MASSIVE fuss is made of sending a plate absolute loaded with food to feed five home to her.

OP posts:
BentBaastard · 22/04/2019 18:02

You have to call him on it or you will never know what is going on and it will bug you forever.

What have you got to lose?

LordNibbler · 22/04/2019 18:17

Why don't you do the same thing back to him when he visits you? Two can play at that game.

QueenArseClangers · 22/04/2019 18:22

He’s not a good grandfather. He hates women and is a dick to their mother.
I’d tell my DH to go to counselling and go NC with the fucker.

WhiteDust · 22/04/2019 18:46

On takeaway night order your food and fill your plate first time round.

At other times, eat before you go and decline the meal there. He's playing a game so don't join in.

If they ask why - say cheerfully 'Oooh, I ate before I came, don't worry about me! More for everyone else' take a bottle of wine out of your bag and get drunk-

mbosnz · 22/04/2019 18:53

Oooh, what if you took a picnic basket and blanket, and cheerfully, without saying anything, you and your family just got on and had your own . . .

LagunaBubbles · 22/04/2019 18:57

He's treating you like that because you are letting him

This. You see it countless times on here, people treating other people in all sorts of awful and horrible ways and no-one doing or saying anything " for fear of causing a row/drana/atmosphere" etc and so it goes on.

BarbedBloom · 22/04/2019 19:08

I don't like to argue but I wouldn't tolerate this. I would be perfectly polite but i would call it out every time. I would be perfectly happy for my DH to do this with my parents too if they were behaving this way. Your DH does sound like he may need some counselling or something similar if he has grown up with a bully though- he needs to learn ways to advocate for himself.

I also wouldn't subject my children to a bully either. Just because someone is a blood relative, doesn't mean you have to tolerate unpleasant behaviour you would challenge in anyone else

Wheresmyvagina · 22/04/2019 19:13

Did FIL give BIL your takeaway to take home to his wife?!

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 22/04/2019 19:21

If I were you I would give DH one more chance. Warn him first and tell him if FIL continues to ignore you and DH doesn’t support you then it will be the end of visits. I expect that FIL will continue to be this way, next time leave the room, go and pack and leave - telling them why. Refuse the next invitation. Make the point that you won’t be treated that way. If DH can’t stand up for you then you are going to have to take a stand yourself.

SunshineCake · 22/04/2019 19:28

Does SIL not go because he's a twat but somehow she gets the food still without the hassle?

IdblowJonSnow · 22/04/2019 20:41

There are some great suggestions and tactics on here op, but if it were me I just wouldn't bother. Go low contact. Stop going over. They will know exactly why not. And if you are concerned how they'd treat your kids in your absence, don't let them go either.
And if your dh says he doesn't want an 'atmosphere', rest assured that you aren't the one who caused it.

EKGEMS · 22/04/2019 21:29

How the hell did you conceive children with a husband without a spine or a set of balls??

Original poster
Moodyfoodie · 22/04/2019 21:38

How the hell did you conceive children with a husband without a spine or a set of balls??

Bit harsh, that. I know he's partly to blame but he absolutely hates conflict of any kind. and has never known any other dynamic than old bully FIL.

I didn't go to the meal, I've just got back and FIL has gone to bed (never usually goes this early). I'm guessing because I 'snubbed' him.

Going home tomorrow thank goodness and honestly not sure I'll put myself through this again.

I am so glad I posted on here, it's made me realise that I'm not actually crazy. Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 22/04/2019 21:38

How awful, I feel for you. He is an abusive bully and everyone is tip toeing around him, always have done I expect. Not sure of the best way to tackle it but it's a big problem, and YANBU.

Ginkeepsmesane · 22/04/2019 21:59

My advice for take away night would be to call up the restaurant not long after the initial order is made, buy yourself some extra food to be delivered at the same time but paid for separately by you (bonus points if you can do it all online). Plate it all up for yourself & disguise it as being extra hungry but not wanting to be rude to their kind nature of paying for the take away.
To top it off, get out your own bottle of wine out too muhahaha!

Blondebakingmumma · 22/04/2019 22:34

I’d refuse to eat at their house if it continues. It is bullying and everyone else at the table is just as bad as FIL for letting it slide. I would say something if someone else was treated this way.

Please don’t send your kids without your supervision. I’d either go to keep an eye on FIL’s behaviour to dc (I’d eat before hand and refuse the meal) or I’d stay at home with dc.

Blondebakingmumma · 22/04/2019 22:34

I do like a PP idea of only eating out or at home