To wonder what the hell is going on with FIL and food?

[Moodyfoodie]

Have NC'd.
Would appreciate some perspective as starting to feel I am going a bit crazy. So visiting IL's (go to visit a few times a year, with DH and 2 small DC). So as.not to drip feed, FIL and I have clashed in personality pretty much since I met DH. He is an old fashioned, women should be seen and not heard type, I was an independent career woman when I met DH.
Anyway for the past couple of years we have all got along ok, for the sake of DC. No major issues and tolerated each other I would say.
So the past couple of times we've visited, IL have made a big meal for our family and BIL and SIL. I've noticed FIL will never offer me a drink, he will pointedly ask.SIL and BIL but not me. They'll serve a small portion of food and then if there's any leftovers, twice now FIL has made a huge point of actually standing up and asking SIL and BIL if they would like more, or just putting it on their plates, whilst completely ignoring myself and DH.

Last night we got a takeaway. I ordered a dish and we generally share everything. I put a small amount on my plate and thought I'll go back in a minute. At this point BIL gets a call from SIL and decides to go home. Said our goodbyes and that was that. Goes into the kitchen to find that FIL has given entire takeaway to BIL and SIL. So nothing left. Didn't bother asking myself and DH if we'd finished. I am not greedy but we'd had a small.plate each.

For context when they visit us I'll make them meals from scratch and offer drinks etc. as I think it's the polite thing to do if you've got guests.

They're cooking tonight and I'm honestly considering going to the local Mcdonalds, rather than sit there whilst FIL makes a big point of pointedly offering food and drink to everyone else. DH says he just 'doesn't think' but I feel like there is more to it. He's begging me not to go as it will cause an atmosphere but I feel FIL is doing that anyway, I feel quite unwelcome.

Understand this might sound petty and there.are bigger problems.in the world but really would appreciate some perspective.

So where did you go and how did you explain your absence?

I can’t be doing with rude people like this. I would now be waiting to the next time and pointedly be saying something along the lines of thanks for asking me I would like......... if he doesn’t a second time I would state I am fed up of how rude he is being, pack my things and leave and not go back. If invited by your dh to your house thedh would be doing all the hosting and I would b going away forte weekend

You allow the 'men' to take the piss out of you and then you excuse your enabling with 'caring' more about their feelings, the 'atmosphere', blah blah blah.....

How about you care enough about yourself to speak up and refuse to tolerate this shit any longer?
If you don't think your feelings matter or that you don't deserve to be treated better - why would they?

You need to pointedly remind him every time he "forgets" you.

I think there are two courses of action here. Option one is that your DH stands up to him and directly asks him what going on. Don't take playing innocent for an answer, just really get it all out in the open. This may cause a huge argument and it's not for everyone - your DH doesn't have to argue with his Dad if he doesn't want to.

Option 2 is you stop going round. Anything involving having food at theirs just say no. Make excuses. Got to be somewhere, not feeling well, traffic will be bad, washing your hair, already eaten, meeting friends for dinner, allergic to their cooking. Whatever. Just don't eat with them anymore. Personally I'd go for this option as it sounds like your FIL has serious issues and wouldn't change his ways regardless of what is said to him. If you ever get pulled up on it just say you always feel like there's an atmosphere when you eat with them because of FIL.

My FIL does this too, I always make a point to bring a plate and our own drinks + something to share for dessert.
SIL quite happily turns up empty handed and helps herself and then says 'I'll have to have water because HW8224 drank all the gingerbeer' - well duh, HW8224 brought all the gingerbeer!)

I normally just stop for McDonald's on the way over or on our way home, or have a really late lunch.

Your focus is completely wrong.

FIL - you don’t get on with him and he seems shockingly rude and inconsiderate. Presuming you don’t spend much time with him and give him little brain space.

Your DH however... utterly pathetic. To be ignored himself, one thing. To allow his wife to be ignored and so rudely treated by his father - appalling

Nasty plain and simple, I wouldn't go nor would my kids. Regarding food, I would have just said as we were leaving right dh let's go to chippy I'm starving. If fil said anything he'd have been told to get fucked as I walked out. My family know now that I take no shit. I will be polite the first time but after that then they best get ready as sometimes my gob doesn't engage with my brain and the truth hits hard.

@Moodyfoodie
It's not just you.
Your fil indeed sounds like a bully that is used to getting his way.I used to have one like that.But we haven't seen him and his family for 17 years. It's been blissful.❤

Thinking about it, I've had in-laws do the same thing. DH looked at me, looked at them, then said mbosnz, what would you like to drink? Let me get you something. Would your DH feel prepared to do that, rather than confront his father directly?

For context when they visit us I'll make them meals from scratch and offer drinks etc. as I think it's the polite thing to do if you've got guests.

You need to stop doing this. Let DH cook or just cook Tesco own brand pasta in Dolmio sauce.

Them giving your dc presents doesn't make them good GPs, it keeps you beholden into letting them treat you like shit.

I'm beginning to think the problem is the tip of the iceberg and there are a lot more issues here.

For everyone saying stand up to him.. I hear you and I did a couple of years back. It ended in a huge row and FIL and BIL saying I was 'mad'. DH wasn't there. I honestly don't know what to do.

What happens now is that FIL will do something like this and DH and his family are like 'oh moodie, it's just a mistake over a takeaway, you're overreacting'. Or 'oh don't be silly, he just forgot to ask, moodie is being sensitive'

If I get upset over it and say I'm not putting up with it, DH gets emotional, I mean physically upset and anxious that this will offend his Father.

My head is fucked with it all

It’s bullying. Like all bullies he does it because he can and because he is not challenged. Personally I’d go nc

Saying you’re mad classic gaslighting. Cut these people out

Them giving your dc presents doesn't make them good GPs, it keeps you beholden into letting them treat you like shit.*

You're right.

Go to MacDonalds and make a big deal of it and say you are too hungry to stay. FIL is clearly making a big point of not giving you any food.
Either that or take a massive plate of food from the start,
You can't go on like this, you have to make a stand.

What was the reason you gave for not going?

Good luck, especially since DH doesn’t seem to have your back :(

So your DH cares more about his father's feelings than his own wife's? Hmm sorry but your DH is the issue here

Said I had to pick up some bits from the shop. Told DH but he was just concerned about their reaction.

Similar dynamics between my FIL and I when I first met (now) DH. Couldn’t cope with an independent, opinionated woman as MIL and SIL were bullied by him. I too started to ‘not cause an atmosphere’ especially as he was very generous towards GC, until I realised he was treating my DS differently to my DD and if I didn’t stand up to him no one ever would. I was not popular as wouldn’t tolerate any misogynistic, bullying behaviour in front of my DC and went LC, especially after my (wonderful) MIL died.
He is provoking you and is effectively bullying everyone in the room who are complicit in his behaviour. I like the idea of killing him with kindness. He’s willing you to call him out, so don’t give him a reason too. Bring your own wine. Serve yourself. All with a smile on your face. I’d love to see his face!

Them giving your dc presents doesn't make them good GPs, it keeps you beholden into letting them treat you like shit.

Exactly this.

Well done on going op. Every time he does this to you at a meal in future, skip the next one. They'll know.

Alternatively, go to the kitchen and get yourself a sandwich (pre-made from Tesco is fine). Bring it in on a plate. Eat it with no comment.

You're over sensitive. You're over reacting. You're mad.

Classic abuser talk there. None of it is true.

fizzandchips

Thank you. Would you mind me asking if things ever got better between you after you went LC. Did it stay that way?

I love the wine idea but I worry that he'll see that as proof that he has bothered me iyswim.

Yadnbu but you also have a DH problem if he thinks you should suck this crap up.