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Original poster

Not going to nephew's holy communion

310 replies

ILCTM · 20/04/2019 21:04

We've been invited to my nephew's Holy Communion in a couple of weeks time - he's 7. It's my husband's sister's son and my husband says he doesn't want to go.

She's an Anglican Christian but it's being done in a Catholic church that her mum attends.

My husband was christened as a baby and attended church every Sunday, and he really resents it. He says that it should be up to the child to decide if they want to be part of any religion. He is an atheist and doesn't feel that anyone should be christened until they decide that they want to be, which I totally get.

I'm also not religious at all. The only people going to my nephew's Holy Communion are his mum (obviously) and his nan and grandad (who attend the church where he's being christened).

My husband's mum has said that he should respect the fact that it's his sister's choice to have her child christened and to receive holy communion and that he should go, but he says that he does respect her choice, but he says that she should respect his choice not to go as he doesn't agree with it.

My husband is very black and white, there is no in between. Is it unreasonable to not go? I do feel a bit bad, but then I'm not as black and white as him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILCTM · 20/04/2019 21:10

ETA: Should say where he's receiving holy communion, not christened. He's already being christened.

OP posts:
Smumzo · 20/04/2019 21:13

Yup it's a dick move not to go. Does your husband plan to protest every single parenting choice they make in such an u pleasant way? Go. Support the kid.

Longdistance · 20/04/2019 21:16

Just go yourself, leave him behind, and he can explain all himself. It’s not like a Holy communion is taxing. It’s a turn up and be there.

NeutralJanet · 20/04/2019 21:16

Your husband should get over himself and stop making it all about him.

MamaDane · 20/04/2019 21:17

Yes it is unreasonable. I am also an atheist but even I am considering christening our twins. It's more of a cultural thing ever and it's not like the twins will automatically become christians 😂 like your nephew can still choose what he wants when he grows up, it is not the end.

Just go. Your husband sounds ridiculous

ChicCroissant · 20/04/2019 21:18

It would be nice for your nephew to have you there - what about his Godparents, can't they go?

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 21:19

I think your husband is being an arsehole. My BIL is like this- pretends it’s his principles when it’s a desperate to take attention and be contrary.

Your poor SIL and nephew, it’s really mean.

SimonJT · 20/04/2019 21:19

I personally wouldn’t go to any religious celebration that involved indoctrinating a child, so like your husband I would be staying at home.

Armadillostoes · 20/04/2019 21:19

It is a shame that your DH is making this all about him. This is an important event for his nephew and he could and should support him. Going along to do that does not mean that he shares any particular religious beliefs. Why be so unkind and intolerant?

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 20/04/2019 21:19

Completely unreasonable and horribly if your husband not to go! It has absolutely nothing to do with him and I actually can't believe he would object to another parent's religious decisions for their child. I'd be so angry with him if I was either his sister or his wife!

NotMyUsualTopBilling · 20/04/2019 21:21

I agree that it should be left until a person is old enough to enter into and commit to their religion if they want to but I also understand that unless they are brought up with a cult mentality with serious enforcement then it makes absolutely no difference.

I'm not religious and have no desire to be despite being baptised a Protestant as a baby. SIL decided to have all her children christened and to take part in Holy Communion and DH and I attended to support the kids as they were all delighted.

It's about them.

LittleRedSocks · 20/04/2019 21:21

Yes, unreasonable to not go - and will cause bigger rifts as time goes on. By his logic, he shouldn’t even get to join in the celebrations of Catholic celebrations like Christmas, Easter etc...but I suspect he does?! The bottom line is you don’t have to share someone’s beliefs to support their celebration. Allowing religion to divide - especially within a family - is so sad. Would be equally not go to a wedding in a Catholic Church?These things are as much about tradition and a lovely reason for getting family together: in the nicest possible way, he needs to get over himself a little... xx

Corcra · 20/04/2019 21:22

I attend my siblings’ children’s religious ceremonies. (Communions, christenings etc).
My love for my nieces and nephews trumps my ((strong!) feelings about the church. 😊

Armadillostoes · 20/04/2019 21:22

And as for people complaining about indoctrination, unless you keep entirely silent about your own religious position with your children you are as much "indoctrinating" as anyone else. You are sharing your worldview and norms with your children. It's sad that you consider yourself morally and intellectually superior to everyone else.

PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2019 21:22

I am also an atheist but even I am considering christening our twins.

Why? Confused

I’m a Christian but don’t believe in christening children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2019 21:22

I don’t think he’s wrong to refuse to at all. What happened to it’s an invitation not a summons? Why should he go to something he doesn’t agree with? If it’s about bringing the child into the faith or whatever it shouldn’t matter who else is there. He’s not telling her she’s wrong to do it, just that he won’t be joining in. That’s perfectly responsible, polite and fair.

What’s odd is doing it in a church the child isn’t usually part of.

What’s ragingly hypocritical is getting your children christened when you’re an atheist...

EmpressJewel · 20/04/2019 21:22

It’s about supporting your nephew.

My DS made his first holy communion last year. Putting the religious aspect to one side, he spent 6+ months attending classes every Saturday, plus completing homework. That’s a big undertaking for a 7/8 year old. He was really proud of himself and pleased that our family came to support him.

Shiverrrrmetimbers · 20/04/2019 21:23

It’s absolutely reasonable not to go. I don’t agree with indoctrinating any child into a religion so wouldn’t attend.

And I’m laughing at the poster that said she’s atheist but christening her twins as it’s a ‘cultural thing.’ Do you understand what religion/ christening is? Obviously not!

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 20/04/2019 21:23

Your husband is a self-centred knob. I'd go without him. He doesn't get to dictate your feelings to you.

Treaclesweet · 20/04/2019 21:25

Surely if he is atheist he believes communion is meaningless, so why would it matter to him if it happens? You don't force a child to be a lifelong Christian by Christianing them, he himself is proof of that. I am an atheist and I do not see his point at all! I think he is just caught up resentment about his childhood.

If it's not a huge occasion though you can probably get away with not going. If you aren't bothered either way I'd probably just leave it rather than get into ecclesiastical argument with your husband. Anything for a quiet life!

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 21:25

It’s not about you though shiverrrrrmetimbers. How can you make events like that about your personal feelings!?

And clearly the poster with twins is talking about the tradition of christening children in this country when referring to cultural reasons. I can’t believe you don’t know that, I suspect you’re also trying to be contrary

ShitAtScarbble · 20/04/2019 21:25

I am also an atheist but even I am considering christening our twins

So atheist AND massive hypocrite? That's quite some going there.

MsPavlichenko · 20/04/2019 21:25

MamaDane You are an atheist but are considering a christening for your DC. Really? Are you going to lie to the priest/ vicar/ minister.? Because surely they won't do it if you tell the truth.

I am an atheist myself, but respect other's faith. It seems disrespectful and dishonest to do what you are suggesting.

Op, it is up to you. If you want to go do so regardless of your DH. Or not. But don't get involved in the drama.

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 21:27

MsPav my child was christened CofE and I’m not even that religion. The vicar couldn’t care less. He didn’t even ask 😭

ShitAtScarbble · 20/04/2019 21:27

Oh stop it cherrycoke. The christening of children is a cultural thing WITHIN the church and a belief in God. No church, no believe = no christening.