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Original poster

Not going to nephew's holy communion

310 replies

ILCTM · 20/04/2019 21:04

We've been invited to my nephew's Holy Communion in a couple of weeks time - he's 7. It's my husband's sister's son and my husband says he doesn't want to go.

She's an Anglican Christian but it's being done in a Catholic church that her mum attends.

My husband was christened as a baby and attended church every Sunday, and he really resents it. He says that it should be up to the child to decide if they want to be part of any religion. He is an atheist and doesn't feel that anyone should be christened until they decide that they want to be, which I totally get.

I'm also not religious at all. The only people going to my nephew's Holy Communion are his mum (obviously) and his nan and grandad (who attend the church where he's being christened).

My husband's mum has said that he should respect the fact that it's his sister's choice to have her child christened and to receive holy communion and that he should go, but he says that he does respect her choice, but he says that she should respect his choice not to go as he doesn't agree with it.

My husband is very black and white, there is no in between. Is it unreasonable to not go? I do feel a bit bad, but then I'm not as black and white as him.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2019 21:28

my child was christened CofE and I’m not even that religion

What religion are you? C of E isn’t a religion anyway...

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 21:28

It’s not at all. I’m an early 80s child and it was very unusual to not be christened back then. And all those people weren’t members of the church Hmm

EleanorOalike · 20/04/2019 21:28

It’s up to him not to go but I think it’s pretty hypocritical for him to think it’s ok to force his own personal dogma on children that aren’t even his and attempt to ruin someone else’s special day. As others have pointed out, the child will decide for themselves as they grow up if they want to practice their faith or not. Sounds like he’s the type of person that believes everyone should think like him. Very unkind in this scenario.

Shoppingwithmother · 20/04/2019 21:29

Surely it’s a bit unusual? First Holy Communion is a Catholic thing and you say he is not a catholic. Anglicans would not usually take communion at age seven - not usually until they are confirmed, or about to be.

Why is he having first holy communion in the Catholic Church if he’s not catholic and do the church know he isn’t?

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 21:29

Why do you ask purpledaisies?

PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2019 21:30

Just interested. Most people of other religions don’t choose to have their children baptised in the Christian tradition.

PositiveVibez · 20/04/2019 21:31

I've been family communions eV n tho I think they are creepy AF. I went to a Catholic school and dressing up as a mini bride at the age of 7 and confessing my sins, was very exciting. Only when I got older I realised what a load of fucking wierdo shite it was.

He is being a divvy. At your nephews age, it's just a party where they feel special. You dh is a bit of a twat for taking that away from a child. Although I doubt the kid would be arsed if he's there or not tbh.

Flaverings · 20/04/2019 21:31

I am also an atheist but even I am considering christening our twins.

That has to be one of the most disrespectful things I've ever read on here.

OP I agree with your husband's stance. There's lots of ways he can support his nephew, but that doesn't have to include supporting his sister in this.

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 21:31

Yes they do. I know loads

Cherylshaw · 20/04/2019 21:31

Really childish, it's not about him. It's like saying you wouldn't go to someone's wedding (if it's a religious ceremony) because they are not religious.
I would be extremely offended if my family never came to something like this

Isadora2007 · 20/04/2019 21:32

If he is making his first communion he will have been to classes or sessions himself. It isn’t just about the parents wishes. So while he may have been encouraged to go- the nephew will have some part to play in his decision to go ahead.

PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2019 21:33

Yes they do. I know loads

Like what? I’ve never seen a Muslim, Sikh or Hindi having their child christened.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/04/2019 21:34

I'd attend a church ceremony where the parents were active in the faith.

I don't go to christenings where the parents are doing it for the event and after party as it's very hypocritical when they aren't religious.

PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2019 21:34

It's like saying you wouldn't go to someone's wedding (if it's a religious ceremony) because they are not religious.

To be fair, weddings are different because the couple are making promises to each other. At a christening, the parents promise to bring up three child in the Christian faith and renounce the devil...

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 21:35

Well if you haven’t seen it.... Grin it’s neither here nor there really, plenty of people both non religious and other religious christen their children. “Mixed” marriages, schools, childhood churches.. all sorts of reasons

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 21:37

“I don't go to christenings where the parents are doing it for the event and after party as it's very hypocritical when they aren't religious.”

Isn’t this the churches/ priests/ vicars call to police though? If they don’t care that the parents aren’t members of their congregation why do you?

Original poster
ILCTM · 20/04/2019 21:37

Not very Christian to call my husband an arsehole.

And he's really not making this about him at all. He's just not going. That's all he said. He's not kicked up a big fuss. He's just said that he doesn't agree with it, and that's his decision. If you decline to go to someone's birthday party, you're not making that about you. I don't get this point at all.

He's not protesting against it. He's said he respects the fact that she wants her child to take communion, but that doesn't mean that he agrees with it. It's just his mum that has kicked up a bit of a fuss.

It's just that on the flipside, he is not religious at all, and if there was such a thing to have a ceremony to celebrate that fact, he wouldn't expect people who do have religious beliefs to attend as it would completely go against their beliefs. Like I said, he's very black and white.

I do agree that children should make the decision about whether they are christened or not, as it's a personal choice, not one that you should decide on your child's behalf. But then I can suck these things up and just go.

Armadillostoes: My husband doesn't impose his non religious beliefs on our children. He's said that it's completely up to them to make the decision for themselves as to whether they feel religion is right for them or not. He doesn't even talk about it with them. It's down to them. Plus they are still very young, so plenty of time for them to decide.

His other brother isn't going, and she hasn't even invited the godparents.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 20/04/2019 21:37

Some schools do insist on children being christened before 6 months. You do need to check the
Admissions policy.

LiliesAndChocolate · 20/04/2019 21:40

I am not religious but I go to

  • Weddings
  • Funerals

and if these are done in churches, I go in the church, not for the religion but for the persons who which to have us there for the rituals. he same applies to the children.

LunafortJest · 20/04/2019 21:44

As someone who is very black and white myself, and do not and will not apologise for it (and gets shit for it on this site, but to thine own self etc...) I agree with your husband. It is a Holy Communion. If the only people who are going anyway is his mum, nan and grandad, what's the big deal? Why does he have to attend? If it was something like a wedding, I could understand. But really, it's not that big a deal in the scheme of things. Child doesn't understand what they are taking part of, the uncle your DH doesn't believe in it, imo it really isn't worth the fuss of going. I think you only really need parents there. Admittedly I'm not Catholic so am not up to date on it, but unless it's changed from what I remember of those who told me, it really isn't all that a big deal that people need to be invited to, anyway. I wouldn't go. I would respect his sister's choice, but would expect my choice to be respected, too. Its only a religious communion thing, it's not really anything to go on the outer with family over if they don't attend. Respect and defend your husband's beliefs, as why should his receive less consideration than his sisters?

LynetteScavo · 20/04/2019 21:45

Well, you can't make your husband go, but I think it would be better for him to explain to his family why not. Maybe he really hated his own FHC for some reason?

On the other hand forget that, it'll probably just upset his mother.

I do think it would be nice to support your nephew though, even if you see him after the ceremony and give him a card.

youknowmedontyou · 20/04/2019 21:45

He is BU, holy communion and christening are carried out at certain ages, he can't change that so why even voice his "concern". However once children are old enough they choose to follow what they want!

I also think a no is damn rude and he can't kick up a fuss because he has no right too!

MamaDane · 20/04/2019 21:47

PurpleDaisies I am Danish, so it's more of a tradition here than a religious event. Very common for people to christen their kids without being religious. Priests are (mostly) very openminded here, they don't care if you believe or not, they also accept it can just be a traditional event. My nephew has a name from Nordic mythology, and the (female) priest (who married my brother and his wife at the same time as christening my nephew) enthusiastically spoke about the meaning of the name, as they tend to do, without any judgment. Churches are more used as a way to be together, like there are baby singing groups in churches, you don't have to believe, you just have to show up with your baby and sing psalms with other mums. It's very popular.

LunafortJest · 20/04/2019 21:49

"What happened to it’s an invitation not a summons?"

This! Why are people saying he is making it all about him, just because he politely declines? It seems it's the mother making it all about her. He is 7 years old, doesn't realise whats going on and won't remember who was there. Why make a big fuss over it, to the extent you are trying to emotionally blackmail and manipulate someone going? Would people here think the same if it were a Muslim friend who declined to attend?

Why do people think they have a right to force their beliefs down others' throats, and not just that, but demand they attend something that really isn't a big deal anyway?

JITSOG · 20/04/2019 21:51

To be fair, weddings are different because the couple are making promises to each other. At a christening, the parents promise to bring up three child in the Christian faith and renounce the devil...

Weddings in a church involve God. You promises to each other in the eyes of GOD. So, church weddings are highly religious.