Not going to nephew's holy communion

[ILCTM]

We've been invited to my nephew's Holy Communion in a couple of weeks time - he's 7. It's my husband's sister's son and my husband says he doesn't want to go.

She's an Anglican Christian but it's being done in a Catholic church that her mum attends.

My husband was christened as a baby and attended church every Sunday, and he really resents it. He says that it should be up to the child to decide if they want to be part of any religion. He is an atheist and doesn't feel that anyone should be christened until they decide that they want to be, which I totally get.

I'm also not religious at all. The only people going to my nephew's Holy Communion are his mum (obviously) and his nan and grandad (who attend the church where he's being christened).

My husband's mum has said that he should respect the fact that it's his sister's choice to have her child christened and to receive holy communion and that he should go, but he says that he does respect her choice, but he says that she should respect his choice not to go as he doesn't agree with it.

My husband is very black and white, there is no in between. Is it unreasonable to not go? I do feel a bit bad, but then I'm not as black and white as him.

When I was 7, I wanted to be a popstar... then I grew up

I’m Catholic (also didn’t swear or call your husband names). I’ve happily attended humanist ceremonies, Muslim weddings, Jewish celebrations, gay weddings and a wedding between a trans-man and a woman, various registry office weddings as well as non-Catholic Christian Ceremonies. Because those days are not about me or my religious beliefs. They are about the people celebrating who I appreciate and value having in my life. I show up for them. I can’t imagine not going to my nieces and nephews special celebrations and refusing to be there for them. I don’t agree with Baby Showers, they really hugely make me irrationally infuriated and I don’t enjoy being there but if someone I loved was having one and wanted me there I’d keep my opinions to myself, put on a smile and show up for them.

I don’t agree a 7 year-old has the capacity to truly understand the meaning of this event (despite being “taught”) and give proper, informed consent.
It’s very odd that his Godparents aren’t invited since it is supposedly their job to guide him in his religion.

Thanks Luna.

What Cherry coke said. You support the family, enjoy the get together and let OH find something else to do that day.

Would your dh go to a wedding or funeral? Or would he also.boycott those on religious grounds?

Why would it be any different if OPs husband were Muslim? Why wouldn’t a Muslim attend someone’s holy communion as a guest?

I'd say it's perfectly fine for your husband not to go. It's not disrespectful. It's more disrespectful, in my opinion as a regular church-going Christian, for people to come and pretend to be happy about something they aren't happy about at all, or worse, to pretend to believe in something they don't.

In fact the non-invitation of the Godparents suggest that this is a family who don’t actually give proper thought to the meaning of religious commitment and are more in it for appearance and the social aspect. Absolutely the worst type of Christians. I bet the Godparents are expected to give chunky gifts for Birthdays and Christmas.

I had Muslim guests at my First Holy Communion. They went up for a blessing.

Passthecherrycoke a 7 old child is not at all old enough to do any 'preparation' or 'study' or even understand any of it. They can't barely write a full paragraph and don't even understand where babies come from. 7 year old little boys and girls doing all this 'study' and 'preparation'? Lets be realistic.

Well I am equally black and white, and yes, I have no interest in participating and supporting anyone else's religious life. I understand that they have significance to those involved, but if their religious conviction is sound enough, surely it doesn't need cheerleading by a non believer? And if their conviction needs supporting, I am the last person to be of any assistance there!

I am content to leave religion to the religious. I don't set much store by this notion that people need "support" for events like this either.

Completely different. Two consenting adults for a wedding, funerals, paying your respects. Anyway funerals are the most common result of someone dying, religious or not.

This is not just OP’s DH attending an event in a religion that he does not believe in, like a Muslim attending a Catholic wedding. This is him being asked to celebrate the induction of his nephew into a religion when he himself “really resents” being made to attend church as a child.

They can barely write a full paragraph

You are seriously selling short a lot of 7 year olds. The ones in my class certainly can.

Just go!
I enjoy going to all kinds of ceremonies, from Bar Mitzvahs to Diwali parties. As long as people are happy, celebrate with them!
Life is too short to be miserable.

We invited an uncle (so child's great uncle) to her christening - I wish they'd politely declined due to a previous engagement, or said they were busy and come for just the celebration afterwards. He didn't come and told us how uncomfortable with it he was. We have made no effort since (didn't fall out but obviously didn't invite to subsequent christenings) and haven't seen him since.

We saw it as a snub on our parenting choices and less so, our beliefs.

Depends if the fall out is worth it.

If you are religious, then why are your beliefs more valid than my husband's non-beliefs? If you are a Christian, would you attend a ceremony that was all about how god isn't real, it's just a story, but the ceremony was very important to someone close to you?

My beliefs are no more valid than anyone else's, but that's kind of the point. I've been to bar mitzvahs, pagan weddings, pagan naming ceremonies, humanist weddings, Hindu weddings, the Nine Lessons and Carols for Godless People which is an atheist version of 9 lessons (and which I enjoyed), various flavours of funeral. I wouldn't have declined to go to any of those just because I don't share the belief of the person inviting me, and I find it sad that someone would.

Although my personal experience, which I'm sure is not at all the case with your husband's situation, is that many people find it possible to endure others' religious beliefs when it's a wedding with a free bar afterwards but are oddly distant from it when it's a boring Sunday service.....

EllenRach he clearly was criticising your choices and it would follow that he probably isn’t bothered at all that you’ve lost touch. Good for him for being honest.

I definitely would judge any couple who marry in a church and don't believe any of it.
I was pretty surprised my other half was asked and agreed to be godfather to his nephew. He doesn't believe at all and the parents know this. I would have politely declined. At christenings I won't say the words the congregation are supposed to say as I won't be telling the child all about god so why pretend I will be. (I just stand and say nothing when the rest say the stuff , no big drama)

I'm surprised that I'm a minority that thinks it's just fine for your DH not to go - I don't agree with him (I'm religious and had my child baptised) but I think his point of view is perfectly valid and understandable. If he'd volunteered his opinion on it with no one asking then that would be dickish, but it sounds like he only admitted he didn't agree with the whole thing when put under pressure to explain.

I was actually very surprised at how many of our non religious friends came to DS's christening. I made it very clear that they were welcome to skip church and just come to the party afterwards - I was worried that some of them would feel uncomfortable with the actual baptism and I didn't want to make anyone feel obliged to attend something they didn't want to.

family who don’t actually give proper thought to the meaning of religious commitment and are more in it for appearance and the social aspect. Absolutely the worst type of Christians.

What a strange view, I'd say the absolutely best reason to be a Christian is for the social aspect, at least that has a genuine benefit.

Absolutely no reason to attend any event you don't want to for any reason, particularly religious events of relatives.

I think we can all do without declaring other people 'the worst kind of christian' - it is not really in the (holy) spirit.

I think your DH has a point, but he should also respect others and stop taking his views out on his DN. YABU not attending.

It sounds a bit petty tbh as if your husband is doing this to prove a point and therefore missing out on a special day of a family member. These celebration such as weddings, funerals, baptisms, communion etc are not just about the individual but about the family and community.

Also for all his reasoning that a person should choose once older there is no such thing as a neutral environment to raise a child. My dad is very much like your husband this has lead me to knowing practically nothing about a large part of my cultural heritage and it was not until I am now in my 30s going out with a fellow catholic I am able to reconnect with my religion and share this bond with my grandmother and the rest of my dad's family. I feel cheated out. My dad insiting I grow up in a religion free house caused me to not know about any religion and forced his life style choice onto me who had no power over the situation