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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not going to nephew's holy communion

310 replies

ILCTM · 20/04/2019 21:04

We've been invited to my nephew's Holy Communion in a couple of weeks time - he's 7. It's my husband's sister's son and my husband says he doesn't want to go.

She's an Anglican Christian but it's being done in a Catholic church that her mum attends.

My husband was christened as a baby and attended church every Sunday, and he really resents it. He says that it should be up to the child to decide if they want to be part of any religion. He is an atheist and doesn't feel that anyone should be christened until they decide that they want to be, which I totally get.

I'm also not religious at all. The only people going to my nephew's Holy Communion are his mum (obviously) and his nan and grandad (who attend the church where he's being christened).

My husband's mum has said that he should respect the fact that it's his sister's choice to have her child christened and to receive holy communion and that he should go, but he says that he does respect her choice, but he says that she should respect his choice not to go as he doesn't agree with it.

My husband is very black and white, there is no in between. Is it unreasonable to not go? I do feel a bit bad, but then I'm not as black and white as him.

OP posts:

Sproutsandall · 20/04/2019 22:46

As someone who was brought up a Catholic, against my wishes, I fully support your husband’s position, OP. If he doesn’t believe, it’s ridiculous and hypocritical for him to go to an explicitly Catholic ceremony. I would politely decline myself if I was invited to such an event.

thecatsthecats · 20/04/2019 22:47

Samoture

Well, all the church weddings I've been to have actually had paid bars but anyway...

The weddings I've been to have been of dear, close friends. None of them are religious, but wanted to marry in church. They were making promises very similar to the promises I made to my husband in a civil ceremony.

That to me is many worlds different from attending the induction of a child into a church. A church in the sense of community and congregation, not in the sense of a building. I know about communion as I went through it myself, but chose atheism at about 8 (my sister was still religious at 14ish).

As I said above, it's a celebration of religion, and the religious are welcome to it. I don't see why it's so necessary for the non religious to share that. It's not as if it's a wholesale rejection of it - just a lack of participation.

JessieMcJessie · 20/04/2019 22:56

I don’t mean the social responsibility aspect, like helping those worse off than yourself and other acts of Christian charity, I mean the idea of using Church as a place to make friends and/or to be seen by society as “the right sort of person” without really thinking properly about the meaning and significance of the Bible. In my view someone who pays lip service to a religion without truly understanding its doctrine is indeed the worst type of adherent.

Ivegotthree · 20/04/2019 22:58

Your husband is being a twat

JessieMcJessie · 20/04/2019 23:03

Moonchild did your father also deny you access to your grandparents and other Catholic members of your family until you were in your 30s? Why did you never talk to them about their religion until a romantic partner put the idea in your head?

To me your situation is perfect- you chose religion as an adult. That is how it should be.

LunafortJest · 20/04/2019 23:04

AvengersAssemble "he should also respect others and stop taking his views out on his DN. YABU not attending."

You don't see the hypocrisy there? It is the one-way street. He should respect others, but others can ignore his beliefs. He is not taking his view out on DN, as DN won't even know or remember who goes. By politely declining, which he did, he is respecting others and respecting himself. You are BU in not respecting his views and wanting to take your views out on him.

Original poster

ILCTM · 20/04/2019 23:05

AvengersAssemble but he is respecting others' beliefs. He's just respecting his own at the same time.

OP posts:

LunafortJest · 20/04/2019 23:10

Moonchild1987

"your husband is doing this to prove a point"

No, his mother is doing this to prove a point. Politely declining should be acceptable.

"and therefore missing out on a special day of a family member."

It is just a child's communion. Not even the Godparents are invited. People are blowing this into something it is not. It is completely different from weddings and funerals, btw.

"I am now in my 30s going out with a fellow catholic I am able to reconnect with my religion and share this bond with my grandmother and the rest of my dad's family. I feel cheated out. My dad insiting I grow up in a religion free house caused me to not know about any religion and forced his life style choice onto me who had no power over the situation"

So you didn't go to school? Didn't learn about religion in social studies or history? Had no access to a school library? Sorry but I cannot understand how your father not mentioning religion to you = you not ever knowing such a religion existed. Especially if you went to school, ever stepped into a library, ever heard of Christmas etc.

Redpostbox · 20/04/2019 23:11

OP I am not sure why you posted. You ask if your husband is unreasonable but it seems you had already decided he is not

Personally I do think he is kicking up a fuss by refusing to go. He could go to show respect for his sister and nephew. I am a Christian and have been to and enjoyed many atheist naming ceremonies, I have attended atheist funerals and found them very moving. I have celebrated at a Hindu wedding. I would never consider refusing an invite to an atheist ceremony or a ceremony from another religion just because their beliefs differed from my own.

Your husband should try to be less prejudiced and more tolerant. It's the kind thing to do. Think of others before yourself.

Article 14 in the UN Rights of the Child says parents have a right to bring up their children according to their beliefs and the child has a right to decide whether they believe or not.
Every atheist I know repeatedly indoctrinates their children against religion (I realise this is only my personal experience and isn't necessarily the case for all) so I think it's a bit rich to say Christians can't bring their own children up in their faith.

Moonchild1987 · 20/04/2019 23:12

It's more the comments he made so as a child of course I never questioned him. I did enjoy reading from the bible at night with my gran if I was at my grandparents and her putting holy water on me blessing me before going to sleep. So I was always torn. Maybe it is part of me always having been an obedient child that would never defie adult family members.

Partner did not put ideas into my head. He is Catholic but not a regular church goer or one to kneel and say hail mary. But I was able to have theological discussions with him and now see how narrow minded my dad was in his views. We did want a church wedding so we did start going to church on a regular basis but I do enjoy the visits and I have noticed I find comfort and strength in the message.

Had I not had the opportunity to discuss theology with a person in my life it probably would have meant I never made a choice for I was never presented with one

Moonchild1987 · 20/04/2019 23:14

@LunafortJest It's more the comments he made so as a child of course I never questioned him. I did enjoy reading from the bible at night with my gran if I was at my grandparents and her putting holy water on me blessing me before going to sleep. So I was always torn. Maybe it is part of me always having been an obedient child that would never defie adult family members.

Had I not had the opportunity to discuss theology with a person in my life it probably would have meant I never made a choice for I was never presented with one

LunafortJest · 20/04/2019 23:15

Redpostbox can we please stop comparing a 7 year old little boy having some communion thing with an actual wedding? They are two entirely different things. This is really no more than some school play or a birthday party. Even the Godparents are not being invited. It clearly is not that big a deal to the parents of the boy even.

Moonchild1987 · 20/04/2019 23:18

@LunafortJest what is wrong with the family gathering and being there for a special day for a family member and it is more important then some school play or birthday for it's meaning and symbolism behind it

BitOfFun · 20/04/2019 23:19

I was raised Catholic, and I don't remember FHC being a big social event with wider family being invited. AFAIR, it was school-based with just the usual congregation and your parents.

BitOfFun · 20/04/2019 23:21

TBF, I mostly remember it for being teased mercilessly by my classmates for having "the Pope's hat on", because my mum thought a skull cap was the height of 70s chic

LunafortJest · 20/04/2019 23:22

Personally (and I am in the agnostic/bet-each-ways/believe in a God but not sure what type/religion etc) I wouldn't have a problem going or not going, it would depend who it was, but as it is a child and only 7 years old, unless the actual child begged me - by that I mean really wanted me there, I probably wouldn't as it isn't really that big a thing to go to. A wedding, yes, but a child's communion, probably not. I really don't know, actually.

But what I do know, is that I would expect to not have it held against me if I didn't go. If I invited people to such a do, I would make sure everyone knew they didn't have to come, they were not expected to come, and there were no hard feelings if they didn't come. And I'd emphasise NO HARD FEELINGS. Either way. It's the pressure and expectation that is very offensive. Whatever happened to respecting other people's wishes? Invite people, but don't make them feel bad if they don't go. I guess that's my view.

LunafortJest · 20/04/2019 23:25

Moonchild1987 To me it really is not important or different than a school play. Because it is just a child's communion that's all, and the child is only 7, is not aware what it is, is not asking you personally. It's not important to the child, it is important to the parent. If it were a teenager, yeah, but at 7 years old, it is for the parent. It's not for the child. At 7 years old, the communion is for the parent's benefit (and status), not the child.

LunafortJest · 20/04/2019 23:27

Moonchild1987 But you had the opportunity to discuss theology with your gran - even as far as her using holy water. That's more in depth than most children of believing parents get. It seems like you spent a lot of time engaging in the religion with your gran. So it's not true you had no connection, you seem to be only upset because your dad didn't believe.

PCohle · 20/04/2019 23:30

I don't really understand why the OP and others think a marriage ceremony is somehow less religious than holy communion. Marriage is a sacrament!

Plus, in any Catholic wedding I've been to the bride and groom promise to raise any children in the church - which presumably your DH would find wildly objectionable?

Moonchild1987 · 20/04/2019 23:34

@LunafortJest how is it you are so sure how important or unimportant the ceremony is for the child? Have you spoken to the child personally? I would assume the child is not being forced into this so it must mean something. Also is being there for a sibling not as important? Other then reading the stories to me not really and we only did that till I was 10 after which i got into the habit of just reading myself. My gran did not talk a lot of theology with me probably because she just found the snide remarks and jokes my dad made when she did talk about it hurtful.

I guess my mum is an agnostic Buddhist that only prays before family members are about to fly or take some other trip lol I do feel very bad i was not more supportive of my grandmother.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 20/04/2019 23:34

Definitely not unreasonable not to go if he feels strongly, and it sounds like he does. Some come away fine from childhood religion. But it really screws some people up and does lasting damage. Why should he participate in its perpetuation if he feels that way?

Some people think circumcision is harmless. Some think it's wrong and feel angry that it was imposed on them. Would you expect someone like that to participate in rituals around a child's circumcision?

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 20/04/2019 23:36

And before someone says I'm equating holy communion with circumcision, just don't!

Moonchild1987 · 20/04/2019 23:37

@FiddlesticksAkimbo are we seriously comparing a ceremony that involves no bodily harm to one that mutilates a body part for no reason?

Moonchild1987 · 20/04/2019 23:37

@FiddlesticksAkimbo sorry just saw second post

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 20/04/2019 23:38

Yes, I am indeed comparing them!

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