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Original poster

Not going to nephew's holy communion

310 replies

ILCTM · 20/04/2019 21:04

We've been invited to my nephew's Holy Communion in a couple of weeks time - he's 7. It's my husband's sister's son and my husband says he doesn't want to go.

She's an Anglican Christian but it's being done in a Catholic church that her mum attends.

My husband was christened as a baby and attended church every Sunday, and he really resents it. He says that it should be up to the child to decide if they want to be part of any religion. He is an atheist and doesn't feel that anyone should be christened until they decide that they want to be, which I totally get.

I'm also not religious at all. The only people going to my nephew's Holy Communion are his mum (obviously) and his nan and grandad (who attend the church where he's being christened).

My husband's mum has said that he should respect the fact that it's his sister's choice to have her child christened and to receive holy communion and that he should go, but he says that he does respect her choice, but he says that she should respect his choice not to go as he doesn't agree with it.

My husband is very black and white, there is no in between. Is it unreasonable to not go? I do feel a bit bad, but then I'm not as black and white as him.

OP posts:
Moonchild1987 · 20/04/2019 23:49

@LunafortJest 'So you didn't go to school? Didn't learn about religion in social studies or history? Had no access to a school library? Sorry but I cannot understand how your father not mentioning religion to you = you not ever knowing such a religion existed. Especially if you went to school, ever stepped into a library, ever heard of Christmas etc.'

of course I knew about religions. going to an international school no i never had any formal education in theology be it my own or any other religion. i had no one to direct me to help me understand it and if a parent is all the time making jokes about it making snide remarks and being all together spiteful saying it's for the naive it did make me somewhat prejudice

Moonchild1987 · 20/04/2019 23:50

@FiddlesticksAkimbo how are they even comparable? one is literally cutting a body part of a small baby.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 20/04/2019 23:51

They are comparable because some people think it's fine and some don't

Nofunkingworriesmate · 20/04/2019 23:51

i Declined a Muslim circumcision invite (sorry don’t know the proper name) as I feel strongly about circumcision and would find it horrible to be in same room as that.
I do however think it’s wanky not to attend this as the child is old enough to have gone along with it and let’s face it each and every one of us indoctrinates our kids to our way of thinking be it religious political or values even liberal types who think they let their kids be whoever they want, are still indoctrinating so tell him yo grow up and support his sister in his nephews happy day

LillithsFamiliar · 20/04/2019 23:53

If he feels that strongly, he shouldn't go. Of course, he could have just sent his apologies direct to his DSIS rather than turning it into a big discussion with his parents. That's where he made it about him - unless it was an atheistic missionary approach and he thought he'd convert them to his reasoning and leave his nephew with no-one in attendance. . .Honestly no-one's interested when you take a moral stance at the expense of a 7-yr-old.

Purpleartichoke · 20/04/2019 23:53

I will not take part in religious rituals for minors. I find them inherently unethical

I am happy to come celebrate an adult performing a religious ceremony or event of any type, regardless of the religion, because it is an activity the adult seems important for themselves.

Moonchild1987 · 20/04/2019 23:53

@Nofunkingworriesmate exactly this notion that it is possible to bring a child in a completely neutral environment is impossible and could not exist.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 20/04/2019 23:58

Frankly I'd very much rather be a circumcised man and escaped a religious upbringing than have had to endured the baggage that came with religion (mainly sexual). I don't attend baptisms.

JessieMcJessie · 21/04/2019 00:00

Your DD sounds ace Moonchild. Sorry the God Squad got you in the end.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/04/2019 00:02

Another vote for your husband is being a dick about it.

It's fine to disagree with someone's views but, unless they are into child sacrifice, you put the happiness of someone your love above your own priggish sense of righteousness.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 21/04/2019 00:03

Further thought: as a child I'd have felt at least curious, and possibly empowered, if I'd had an uncle who kept out of religion on principle. I think your husband is actually setting a good example by showing that religion is not universally accepted, and some people feel strongly enough that religion is a bad thing to do something about it.

Moonchild1987 · 21/04/2019 00:06

@JessieMcJessie he was very flawed and not always a nice man. He would ridicule and mock anything he did not like be it a movie, tv show, book it was really off putting to the extent you just did not talk about certain topics with him. He was quite toxic in a lot of ways who left my gran more then once in tears because of how hurtful he was about something she loved or her hobbies she enjoyed.

I am glad I have seen how wrong he was and that it does not have to be one extreme or the other. I do recent him for pushing his own views onto me the way he did

CJsGoldfish · 21/04/2019 00:06

I am not religious. The only times I've been in a church is for christenings or weddings.
I always go for my friend/loved one because it is important to THEM and that matters to me. I can recognise that life doesn't revolve around me and my beliefs.
You seem so offended OP that people think your DH is being an arse. What's with that? He IS being an arse. He is one of very few invited to, what is to the nephew/parents, a special event yet HAS made it all about himself.
Wouldn't surprise me if he eventually ended up alone in his ivory tower, with you along for the ride of course, deciding who is worthy of his time and affection.

Planetian · 21/04/2019 00:07

He sounds like a dickhead to be honest OP.

I was raised catholic with all the trimmings. Like your husband I always resented it too and grabbed hold of Atheism as soon as I could. I have chosen not to bring my children up as catholic but my sister and my in-laws are all bringing their children up as catholic and I respect their choice - even though I think the Catholic Church is stinking shite pile! I’ve been to two christenings and a communion this year, it’s a wonder I haven’t burst into flames walking into the church 🔥

It’s not about your DH’s beliefs or lack thereof. It’s about your nephews day. It’s a big deal to a 7 year old and it would be nasty of you to let him down and make it all about yourselves. Suffice to say, tell your husband to stop being a knobwad and go to the damn communion.

pallisers · 21/04/2019 00:18

It's just that on the flipside, he is not religious at all, and if there was such a thing to have a ceremony to celebrate that fact, he wouldn't expect people who do have religious beliefs to attend as it would completely go against their beliefs. Like I said, he's very black and white.

Why would someone with religious beliefs not want to attend a ceremony celebrating another person's lack of beliefs? I'd go no problem. It is a rite of passage in someone's life. I have gone to bat mitzvahs and funerals in different religions etc - I don't believe what they do but I go to celebrate a particular milestone in their lives.

Your dh is fine with his decision - wouldn't bother me but would make me wonder about his critical thinking. does he refuse to go to weddings in a church? christenings? funerals in a church? Does his lack of religious beliefs mean that he cannot participate in any celebrations that have any religious component?

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 21/04/2019 00:31

would make me wonder about his critical thinking. does he refuse to go to weddings in a church? christenings? funerals in a church? Does his lack of religious beliefs mean that he cannot participate in any celebrations that have any religious component?

I can't defend pallisers's darling husband, but baptisms are the only ceremonies I've avoided because I dislike the idea of a child being claimed for an organisation I profoundly dislike against its will. I've not had the dilemma of communion. And adults are quite able to make up their own minds, and I'd be more than happy to attend ceremonies in which they pledged themselves to Lucifer himself! They'd probably be a damn site more interesting Grin

Princess1066 · 21/04/2019 00:37

I think the OP has accomplished what she intended - namely to wind people up & cause arguments Hmm

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 21/04/2019 00:51

You know you love it Princess Grin

Rosesaredead · 21/04/2019 03:47

I think he's entitled to not go. Doesn't mean you can't though.

PregnantSea · 21/04/2019 06:04

I agree with your husband's principals but ultimately it's not his business. It's rude not to go.

Halo84 · 21/04/2019 06:45

We all do things we don’t wish to, and interact with people whose views, or lifestyles, we don’t agree with. That is part of being an adult.

Your husband is being a selfish arse. Go without him.

barryfromclareisfit · 21/04/2019 07:05

I am Anglican. You are talking about what we would have called First Communion, and we would have taken it at Confirmation (in those days, at or after age 11 to be sure we understood the commitment we were making, but I hear all that has changed now). The key point is that when children go to become active members of the church in their own right, their family ‘stand for them’ ie support them. In our church, it meant literally standing. When asked ‘Who brings this child?’ the entire family stood, witnessing to the community our own faith and the hopes we had that the young one would continue in faith. The family standing for my daughter was one of the moving events I’ve ever experienced.

Go if you can. But if not, see them afterwards and show you care that way, instead.

Weebitawks · 21/04/2019 07:13

Yeah it's a bit shit. It's my DS' holy communion in a few months and I'd think my sister was a massive twat if she started going on like your DH. She's not at all religious and we both hated going to mass as kids.

We asked if DS want to do his Communion after having a chat about it and he said yes. If he chooses not to practise Catholicism in the future, that's fine as well.

Tbh it's more of a family tradition that anything else. We don't really practise but it's something DS wanted to do. He may possibly say he doesn't want to do his confirmation.

ladyvimes · 21/04/2019 07:17

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable at all. Your dh shouldn’t have to be part of any religious sacrament. Why don’t you go and then your husband can come meet you all after?

JITSOG · 21/04/2019 07:58

Sorry the God Squad got you in the end.

It’s intolerant comments like this that make me angry.

6 pages of arguing about about respect for the child or OP’s DH. Yet a comment like this is acceptable Hmm

I’m in the “God Squad” aka I’m a Christian. I find the term deeply offensive.