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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to nephew's holy communion

310 replies

ILCTM · 20/04/2019 21:04

We've been invited to my nephew's Holy Communion in a couple of weeks time - he's 7. It's my husband's sister's son and my husband says he doesn't want to go.

She's an Anglican Christian but it's being done in a Catholic church that her mum attends.

My husband was christened as a baby and attended church every Sunday, and he really resents it. He says that it should be up to the child to decide if they want to be part of any religion. He is an atheist and doesn't feel that anyone should be christened until they decide that they want to be, which I totally get.

I'm also not religious at all. The only people going to my nephew's Holy Communion are his mum (obviously) and his nan and grandad (who attend the church where he's being christened).

My husband's mum has said that he should respect the fact that it's his sister's choice to have her child christened and to receive holy communion and that he should go, but he says that he does respect her choice, but he says that she should respect his choice not to go as he doesn't agree with it.

My husband is very black and white, there is no in between. Is it unreasonable to not go? I do feel a bit bad, but then I'm not as black and white as him.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 21:51

He hasn’t politely declined. He’s told his Mum exactly why he’s not coming because he’s so “black and white” (nothing to be proud of really, just indicates a lack of emotional intelligence)

HBStowe · 20/04/2019 21:52

He’s being a twat. It’s not up to him to moralise about how his nephew is raised. And usually people who refuse to see things as anything other than black and white are arrogant, intolerant arseholes.

If he flat out refuses I think you should still go, to distance yourself from his twattishness.

LynetteScavo · 20/04/2019 21:52

To those saying it's not that big a deal....come along to my local Catholic Church in a few weeks. It's a big deal. Grin And the children do understand about receiving communion because they've been taught it thoroughly.

PurpleDaisies · 20/04/2019 21:53

Weddings in a church involve God. You promises to each other in the eyes of GOD. So, church weddings are highly religious.

Well yes, but the couple aren’t promising to come to the church or support each other in their Christian faith. That’s a massive difference.

LunafortJest · 20/04/2019 21:54

"I also think a no is damn rude"

So now people aren't even allowed to refuse to attend something they were invited to? So people now MUST accept every invite, and no for any reason is rude?

bakingdemon · 20/04/2019 21:54

They've invited you because it's an important occasion they'd like to share with family. If you can go I'm sure they'd appreciate it. We're having our baby christened later this year and we've invited many friends who aren't Christians because we want them in our baby's life. Up to them if they choose to accept - many have.

Samoture · 20/04/2019 21:56

Shoppingwithmother Anglicans in the Anglo-Catholic tradition do sometimes do FHC at seven, my church does.

I would attend just as I'd attend a bar mitzvah if I were invited. It's not about the religious beliefs of the invitees, it's celebrating a milestone of the person at the centre. He will have done a lot of preparation and study, and that deserves recognition. Atheists who attend to support the child don't have to support the beliefs, any more than you have to be religious to go to a church wedding.

If he is so incredibly committed to atheism that he'd refuse to attend a close friend's child's christening, or a church wedding, or a bar mitzvah, or a synagogue wedding, or a funeral conducted by a minister of any faith, then I suppose at least that's consistent (if bloody rude), but otherwise I think it's a bit churlish to refuse.

Original poster
ILCTM · 20/04/2019 21:58

But he hasn't kicked up a fuss. He's just said he's not going. His mum was the one who made a fuss and that's when he said he doesn't agree with it which is why he's not going.

I don't really know anything about religion. They aren't Catholic but his mum attends a Catholic church. No idea why.

I didn't personally think communion was a big thing for Anglican Christians, so I didn't think it would be an issue not to go, but then my sister in law hasn't really invited anyone apart from family either which made me think this isn't really a big deal. I don't know. I'm not religious.

OP posts:
Hopeygoflightly · 20/04/2019 21:59

Just go- it’s an important event for the kid ( who will probably renounce the whole thing by early teens anyway.

TeddybearBaby · 20/04/2019 22:00

Genuinely can I ask...... what was you hoping to hear because you just keep defending your husbands belief / decision. I’m just not understanding the point of your aibu?

JITSOG · 20/04/2019 22:00

Well yes, but the couple aren’t promising to come to the church or support each other in their Christian faith. That’s a massive difference.

Then why would any couple want to marry in the eyes of God? Why make promises to God?

The point you are making is rather weak.

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 22:01

Me either teddy. Your mind is obviously make up anyway Confused maybe he’s not the only black and white one...

JITSOG · 20/04/2019 22:02

I didn't personally think communion was a big thing for Anglican Christians

It most certainly is. You seem very ignorant.

Original poster
ILCTM · 20/04/2019 22:09

I don't get the abuse some of you are hurling, twat, arsehole? Bit unreasonable. If you are religious, then why are your beliefs more valid than my husband's non-beliefs? If you are a Christian, would you attend a ceremony that was all about how god isn't real, it's just a story, but the ceremony was very important to someone close to you?

I feel people who are religious can be very biased and this is one of my issues. I respect people's beliefs without insulting them. Everyone has a right to choose.

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 22:11

Why do you think the people calling your husband an arsehole are religious? Barely anyone on the thread has identified as so

Original poster
ILCTM · 20/04/2019 22:11

It most certainly is. You seem very ignorant.

Not ignorant. Just not religious.

OP posts:
Shiverrrrmetimbers · 20/04/2019 22:14

@passthecherrycoke you’ve clearly grown up in a different UK to me. I was born late 70s and know no-one who was christened for ‘cultural reasons’ when their parents didn’t believe in God. Just as I don’t know anyone who had a bar mitzvah who wasn’t religious. I’m very confused as to why you’d see that as being ‘contrary’. And literally, no one one this thread has agreed that this happens!

TeddybearBaby · 20/04/2019 22:14

I’m believe in god. Would say I’m religious in a way.

I’m also a guardian to my friends baby because she doesn’t believe in god so had a non religious ceremony.

I went to a Jewish wedding of a friend recently. It doesn’t mean anything, just that my friend is Jewish and I’ve been invited to her wedding and I’m going to support her and join her in celebrating.

Why all the judgment / self-importance 🤷🏻‍♀️

JessieMcJessie · 20/04/2019 22:15

If the kid is doing FHC in a Catholic Church then that makes him a Catholic I think. He’ll have had to do classes and stuff and will presumably be expected to continue to attend Mass there.
I agree with your husband OP. I disapprove of indoctrinating children that young and find the whole little wedding dress aspect of it pretty creepy. In his shoes I would also politely decline to attend this event. Good on him for not being seen to endorse it. Won’t do the boy any harm to see that not all adults around him agree with him being religious, perhaps he’ll take it upon himself one day to ask his uncle why he didn’t attend.

And the difference between attending this and attending a wedding in a religion you don’t believe in is that a wedding takes place between adults who have chosen of their own free will to embrace the religion.

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 22:19

Well that’s odd. I live 300 miles away from where I grew up and DH grew up 100 miles away in the other direction. We’ve been together 20 years and of all our school, university, local and family friends I can only think of 3 who haven’t been christened (incidentally, one I only found that out because he acted as godparent to a mutual friend and no, the vicar hadn’t asked him before or after) so hardly a sheltered life. But there we go, we all have different experiences

LunafortJest · 20/04/2019 22:19

It's just a 7 year old doing something he doesn't really understand, won't remember, and won't remember who was there. I do question people who are so adamant DH must go. Why are are they so adamant that he must attend? It sounds like DH's mother is full of self-importance and wanting to grandstand, by the sound of it, DN's mother isn't even really inviting anyone, not even Godparents. So this is really the grandmother of the 7 year old making it all about herself and feeling the need to grandstand and shame anyone who doesn't attend.

Original poster
ILCTM · 20/04/2019 22:20

LittleRedSocks I do happen to know Christmas and Easter are pagen festivals hijacked by Christianity. So yes he will celebrate those

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 22:21

That’s the other thing I don’t get OP- your opening post is all about how babies don’t chose to get christened but the situation you’re specifically referring to here, is a child old enough to have chosen to take communion preparation and participate. So what is our husbands actual issue with that?

Passthecherrycoke · 20/04/2019 22:21

Because family go to each others important events Luna.

LunafortJest · 20/04/2019 22:23

And OP, your husband is NOT an arsehole, his beliefs should be respected too, it seems like he didn't even make a fuss until his mother attempted to force him to go. Ignore the bullies on here and the groupthink involved that if you decline any invitation you are marked as a bad person. They would no doubt not act so ungraciously if your DH was a Muslim. But because he's atheist he's fair game? It's a one -way street with some. Not attending some communion of a 7 year old child is not the end of the world. Stand by your husband.

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