Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Reporting my 17 son to the police for theft

230 replies

PurpleMagnolia · 18/04/2019 18:33

I really want to hear from other parents who have experience of police involvement with their teens. I feel like we are at the end of the line with him and we are seriously considering bringing charges against him ourselves. He has been stealing from us in ever greater amounts from 10 onwards, can be very threatening and abusive when challenged, has tried to push his stepfather around if he 'dares' to get involved, has thrown things at me, is extremely intelligent, bullying and manipulative. He has every kind of support, I quit my job to try to love him and support him through his GCSE's he got 3 C's and a B, slept through most of them but had target grades of straight 8's. He is unbelievably lazy and disgusting, bottles of wee under the bed, room fully of rotting food, backpack like an actual compost bin rotting down in there. Is really overweight, smokes including a little pot. We live in a house of locked doors to every room, steals food all the time, lifetime of stealing other kids toys, sisters lego, money etc. Was just trying to survive until he leaves home and edge him through his college course in the hope that he could get a job and leave, which he is in danger of being thrown out of. He lies about absolutely everything and often has carefully constructed stories he builds up over time to put me of off the scent of what he is doing. His small group of friends are vile, nasty characters. He has always had consequences for his actions, paying money back etc. He has had all his xbox etc confiscated over the years and in the last year has no access to lounge (he nicks videos and sells them), no phone contract, no wifi, not even a door on his room. End of a long road of consequences. He has been to CAMHS, private counselors, Early Intervention youth services, family counseling. He has swallowed our life up trying to work out how to help him. BUT just recently I got a text from another trusted parent, telling me he has stolen over 200 pounds and another time been caught with her wallet in his bag. She had a serious talk with him, but didn't tell me, then the final straw was him stealing £900 worth of graphics card and memory from her daughters computer to sell on. We managed to get it back from the other little a%^&ole he sold it to, found he has tools in his bag for the job. She even told me that she had a warning from another Mum that he has stolen from her too. He is totally unrepentant and is really gloating about the fact that his mate had to give up the computer gear, and he got to keep the money. I don't given him money, both my kids (sister is a sweet hard working kind soul) earn their pocket money, but he can't be arsed. Somehow always has cash, I suspect through more stealing. ANYHOO, it's been a month since I got the text, he hasn't done and single job here (lawn mowing etc) to earn a penny and says he is 'looking into' getting a job. Totally unrepentant and I have given him 2 weeks to pay her back something decent (he owes her £265) or I will press charges. I have already called the cops on him for stealing my phone and threatening me, and they were amazing, said they would keep him in till late at night without pressing charges to try and teach him a lesson. Has no effect. What I really want to is to hear from other parents who have been devoted stable parents who have taken ever possible step and ended up with an amoral monster and what on earth they have done! Stepfather has been in his life since he was three, always supported him been great husband and dad. Bio Dad was total bastard as well, no hoper, nasty and selfish and died a few years ago. All this started well before his Dad passed however. I can't talk about to most people because they always say stuff like 'I wouldn't let him get away with that'. What can you do when is he massively tall and 24 stone! We have no conequences left and I am afraid he has found some new friends to steal from their parents. I had to text round all the ones I new to tell them to protect then from people robbed! I have been through the crying, the depression, the hysterical grief, the horror, have read a million books on how to raise boys, challenging sons, strong willed children, confident boys ad nauseum. Nothing! Sorry for the long rant but I just don't feel he should be allowed to get away with it and pick up some new victims. Help!

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/04/2019 18:39

I think it is appropriate to go to the police. You’ve tried everything else.

BigBooBoo · 18/04/2019 18:42

Over my dead body would I be responsible for giving my 17 year old a criminal record, what will that ever achieve apart from ruining any future prospects he may have. DON'T DO IT.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 18/04/2019 18:44

Purple, how awful for you. I'd be inclined to agree that you're reduced to the police as the last resort. Although someone else is going to report him pretty quickly anyway if you don't. All I'd ask is: might it make your relationship with him more easily salvageable at some later point if you weren't the one to get him convicted? I don't know the answer, mind you. But you could just encourage one of his other victims to set the ball rolling.

MarieG10 · 18/04/2019 18:47

Don't bother going to the police. He will deny it and he won't get charged. I suggest you look to find him a bedsit and let him start to fend for himself and start to realise what he has lost

Dana28 · 18/04/2019 18:47

How much contact did he have with his father?
It sounds as though he is trying to Emulate him, or else it is just in his genes.
I am so sorry- it must be heart breaking

Dana28 · 18/04/2019 18:49

One thing though, how are you expecting him to pay this £265 back if he has no job? Isn't that just setting him up to steal more?

MsPavlichenko · 18/04/2019 18:52

Is there a reason the parent he most recently stole from won't go to the police? Or indeed any and all of the others?

It sounds unbearable for you all, and at this point I think you owe it to your DD to get him out of the house at the very least.

I hope for his sake, and your own that he is able with support to turn his life round but it is clear that is not going to be in your home anymore.

Yougotdis · 18/04/2019 18:53

Ask him to leave your home. It’s the end of the road for him. He has gone too far. I would be reluctant to press charges myself but I wouldn’t discourage anyone else from doing so and I would stop cleaning up his criminal mess

britnay · 18/04/2019 18:53

His deeds will earn him the criminal record, regardless...

S1naidSucks · 18/04/2019 18:54

Over my dead body would I be responsible for giving my 17 year old a criminal record, what will that ever achieve apart from ruining any future prospects he may have. DON'T DO IT.

But you’ll let everyone suffer at the hands of your 17yr old? They have to suck it up, because you refuse to make a nasty, thieving toe rag face the consequences?

OP, your not going to have a single friend left, if you don’t sort your son out. Everything else has failed and innocent people are suffering at his hands. You owe it to them to report him. If you don’t, where will it end?

Nicknacky · 18/04/2019 18:56

Do you mean report him for the theft from the other parent?

Do they want that?

S1naidSucks · 18/04/2019 18:56

His deeds will earn him the criminal record, regardless

Exactly. It’s just a matter of time and I think you should speak to the other parents and ask them to report him.

sheepsheep · 18/04/2019 19:00

If it was me I would kick him out. You have tried. And yes you are his parents but you don't deserve any of this. Bollocks to those who try to blame you for any resulting criminal record...he only has himself to blame at this point.

PurpleMagnolia · 18/04/2019 19:00

Up until this last few weeks I would have totally agreed with you BigBooBoo. It's completely bonkers. I feel like I'm in a kind of surreal alternative universe where up is down. :-( I almost wish someone else would report him. All he has to do to stave this off is mow the lawn and do some dishes and look for a part time job, but he sneers at me for even suggesting it. He has absolutely no intention of making amends. The worst part is this lovely lady treated him like a member of her own family, he spent lots of time there and she even took him on holiday! She is devastated.

OP posts:
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 18/04/2019 19:00

Im surprised no one has reported him. I'm afraid if a friend's son stole from me I would be reporting him to the police even if it meant the end of the friendship.

Yougotdis · 18/04/2019 19:02

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/guide/homeless_get_help_from_the_council/how_to_ask_the_council_for_help

foyer.net/

Show him the door. The gravy train and free ride has ended. Social services will help him find a space to be the person he’s choosing to be.

Housewife212 · 18/04/2019 19:04

I think you need to have tried everything and I mean including him living away before hand.

And expect him to never speak to you again

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2019 19:08

I think you need to kick him out and then let him get on with it. If he keeps stealing the police will be involved soon enough without you having to turn him in.

PurpleMagnolia · 18/04/2019 19:10

We can't afford to fund him into a bedsit. I have said he has to pay the money back through legitimate means. He couldn't deny it becasue I drove him down and watched the other boy hand back the gear, checked it out and took it to the computer shop to be put back in the other Mum's machine. He had the tools in his (compost) backpack (stolen from us!). I am worried about the effect on all of us. Lucky Me and DH are rock solid and constantly work through everything. It's like a black hole sucking everything in.

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 18/04/2019 19:12

Kick him out. He has zero respect for you or anyone else. Pack his things up.

mbosnz · 18/04/2019 19:13

Well, if nothing else, he is well and truly earning a criminal record. He would be told if he were mine that our home was no longer his from X date. You do not have to put up with the kind of abuse and contempt he is dishing out to you all.

PurpleMagnolia · 18/04/2019 19:16

Sounds terrible, but part of me would love to kick him out. I thought I couldn't do that until he was 18?

OP posts:
PurpleMagnolia · 18/04/2019 19:17

Sounds terrible, but part of me would love to kick him out. I thought I couldn't do that until he was 18?
Thanks for all the posts. It's so lonely having the humiliation of it all.

OP posts:
BigLightLittleLight · 18/04/2019 19:20

He will come into custody, he will have an interview and then be either charged with a crime or released.
The releasing will be back into your care as he is a juvenile.

To be blunt? I highly doubt it will teach him anything. We have them in an out ASAP when they are under 18 and this is his first offence. This is coming from someone who deals with detained juveniles day in and day out. Often, the same ones over and over again, until they hit over 18 and the crimes ramp up and we can impose bigger penalties.

You would be better to deal with this yourselves. The police aren't an extension of social services, although it feels a lot like it.

Oblomov19 · 18/04/2019 19:21

I wouldn't report him to the police. It will affect the rest of his life. I too would ask him to leave.