Reporting my 17 son to the police for theft

[PurpleMagnolia]

I really want to hear from other parents who have experience of police involvement with their teens. I feel like we are at the end of the line with him and we are seriously considering bringing charges against him ourselves. He has been stealing from us in ever greater amounts from 10 onwards, can be very threatening and abusive when challenged, has tried to push his stepfather around if he 'dares' to get involved, has thrown things at me, is extremely intelligent, bullying and manipulative. He has every kind of support, I quit my job to try to love him and support him through his GCSE's he got 3 C's and a B, slept through most of them but had target grades of straight 8's. He is unbelievably lazy and disgusting, bottles of wee under the bed, room fully of rotting food, backpack like an actual compost bin rotting down in there. Is really overweight, smokes including a little pot. We live in a house of locked doors to every room, steals food all the time, lifetime of stealing other kids toys, sisters lego, money etc. Was just trying to survive until he leaves home and edge him through his college course in the hope that he could get a job and leave, which he is in danger of being thrown out of. He lies about absolutely everything and often has carefully constructed stories he builds up over time to put me of off the scent of what he is doing. His small group of friends are vile, nasty characters. He has always had consequences for his actions, paying money back etc. He has had all his xbox etc confiscated over the years and in the last year has no access to lounge (he nicks videos and sells them), no phone contract, no wifi, not even a door on his room. End of a long road of consequences. He has been to CAMHS, private counselors, Early Intervention youth services, family counseling. He has swallowed our life up trying to work out how to help him. BUT just recently I got a text from another trusted parent, telling me he has stolen over 200 pounds and another time been caught with her wallet in his bag. She had a serious talk with him, but didn't tell me, then the final straw was him stealing £900 worth of graphics card and memory from her daughters computer to sell on. We managed to get it back from the other little a%^&ole he sold it to, found he has tools in his bag for the job. She even told me that she had a warning from another Mum that he has stolen from her too. He is totally unrepentant and is really gloating about the fact that his mate had to give up the computer gear, and he got to keep the money. I don't given him money, both my kids (sister is a sweet hard working kind soul) earn their pocket money, but he can't be arsed. Somehow always has cash, I suspect through more stealing. ANYHOO, it's been a month since I got the text, he hasn't done and single job here (lawn mowing etc) to earn a penny and says he is 'looking into' getting a job. Totally unrepentant and I have given him 2 weeks to pay her back something decent (he owes her £265) or I will press charges. I have already called the cops on him for stealing my phone and threatening me, and they were amazing, said they would keep him in till late at night without pressing charges to try and teach him a lesson. Has no effect. What I really want to is to hear from other parents who have been devoted stable parents who have taken ever possible step and ended up with an amoral monster and what on earth they have done! Stepfather has been in his life since he was three, always supported him been great husband and dad. Bio Dad was total bastard as well, no hoper, nasty and selfish and died a few years ago. All this started well before his Dad passed however. I can't talk about to most people because they always say stuff like 'I wouldn't let him get away with that'. What can you do when is he massively tall and 24 stone! We have no conequences left and I am afraid he has found some new friends to steal from their parents. I had to text round all the ones I new to tell them to protect then from people robbed! I have been through the crying, the depression, the hysterical grief, the horror, have read a million books on how to raise boys, challenging sons, strong willed children, confident boys ad nauseum. Nothing! Sorry for the long rant but I just don't feel he should be allowed to get away with it and pick up some new victims. Help!

PurpleMagnolia- fwiw I think you seem to have done everything you can to try to help your son. It sounds as though you’ve also done a lot of reading around to try to understand him... and I think that’s a good idea in so far as it’s helpful to you

I would just guard against trying to pathologize too far, because there comes a point when it’s action that’s needed. As I said, even if you have a greater understanding of his personality type, and possible genetic traits, bottom line is: he is who he is. He will have been shaped by various influences but ultimately he has free will. Indeed it sounds like your dd hasn’t been dealt the kindest hand, as she’s suffered bullying and has learning difficulties yet she doesn’t behave vindictively towards others.

It’s absolutely true that in the prison population there will be a disproportionate number of people with various disorders and difficulties. But equally people with these difficulties are living good honest lives out in the community too. It’s not an excuse.

I think the advice about being honest with trusted friends is spot on. You shouldn’t be carrying this burden of humiliation. He needs to own what he’s done- not you.

I really hope that taking action results positively for him. But even if it doesnt, or doesn’t seem to straight away, remember it’s the long game too... if it takes months or years for him to sort his life out then so be it. The main thing is, by taking decisive action now, things are starting to move forward.

After the final 11 days are up you need to kick him out.
Living like this isn't fair on any of you, especially his sister. The tension in the house isn't healthy for anyone and it's not fair at all for you all to be walking on egg shells. You've done all you can, you can't force someone to change. All you can do is be there for him when/if he comes to you for help with changing when he's ready, untill then tough love and kick him out! If you won't kick him out for yourself, do it for your daughter. This will effect her and her mental well being! Let him go live with his friends, let him see how far that gets him and how long those friendships will last when he leaves their houses like a shit pit. He'll soon realise there are consequences and he isn't above the law. It'll all catch up with him one day and he won't find it fun anymore when he's sat on his own in a cell looking at 4 walls with no communication with anyone.

My brother was a little like this growing up (not as bad though if I'm completely honest). He's just come out of 2 years in prison. I knew from around the age of 12 that he would either end up dying young through drugs or in prison. I contemplated ringing the police on him many times growing up but in the end he ended up getting caught (I was relieved in a way). He is a changed person since coming out but obviously a lot in life is now hugely stacked against him. It's a tricky one as your son is still young (my brother was 24 going to prison), but you've exhausted every avenue possible. Maybe he thinks you won't do it (and is arrogant enough to think you never will), but I think it is seriously something to contemplate. Good luck to you x

Oh I should also add that my brother stole a tonne of my parents possessions (pawned them) and this was the final straw. It totally broke my mum but she threw him out and he lived in a hostel. Unbeknownst to us he had already been in trouble with the police at this point. Living in a hostel without the luxuries at home meant he was on his own for the first time and I think made him start to appreciate his family. Tough life is what's needed in these situations I think. As heartbreaking as it will feel :(

Love*

I feel for you - you have done everything you possibly can for your son. This strikes a very sad chord with me, in terms of the fact that I was in the position of your daughter - although in this case it was my older step-brother. Sometimes I had to lock my door after coming in from school because my brother was physically violent to me. My parents struggled on for many years, but it came to a head one night when my brother had a violent turn and finally my father took action and managed to get him in the car and down to the GP. This started a gradual process of treatment via mental health services and his eventual recovery. We have a good relationship now. At present it would seem your son is beyond your help, but you can help yourself. I would suggest that you have either therapy or counselling to try and unravel how you are feeling. You owe it to yourself to do this. I'm so sorry, OP, it's a terrible situation you're in.

OP I bet if you rummage through his midden of a room you'll find a stash of drugs for sale, or if you check his rucksack on entering or leaving the house.

You sound like a fantastic mum.

You've really done everything possible to help your ds but it hasn't worked. I'm afraid that this really shows there is nothing else you can do.

So now you need to think through what will be best for the whole family, not just ds. What will help your dd, your dh and you? It does sound like telling him to leave home may be what's the best option for most of you (and not necessarily the worst option for your ds).

Rather than just throwing him out on the pavement as some PPs suggest, I'd do it in as supportive and structured way as possible. Give him a firm deadline to find somewhere and advise him to Inform social services if he will be homeless. SS will try to persuade you to change your mind but they do have a statutory duty to house homeless under 18s. This may be in a hostel. It may be in a different town but that's not your problem.

You need to make a decision to put your energy where it makes a difference.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/712467/Provision_of_accommodation_for_16_and_17_year_olds_who_may_be_homeless.pdf

I teach young people like your son and know how distressing it can be to live with them.

In my experience there is nearly always a diagnosis behind the behaviour. Autism, demand avoidance, ADHD are all closely linked and have many of the symptoms you describe in your son. Unfortunately the typical "consequences" approach often makes this type of behaviour even worse. Many of the young people I have worked with have only been diagnosed after a major breakdown. They have the most incredible tenacity to retain the status quo, even though they understand, intellectually, that their behaviour is taking them in all the wrong directions. It's just that making a change is so scary, unpredictable and overwhelming that they can't do it.
There are very few people that want to be in the situation your son is in, but many that can't find their way out of it.

In the kindest possible way, I would suggest that you make your son's room habitable and restore his door without making an issue out of it. This should not be linked to behavioral expectations at this point, but is just something that both you and he need if he is to be in the house. You, the parent and functioning adult, will have to be responsible for this however disgusting, humiliating or downright wrong and unfair it seems.

The situation in your household is out of control and it is too much to expect for him to be able to turn it around without significant intervention and expertese.

I would suggest social services as your next port of call, rather than the police.

And PurpleMagnolia, you have done absolutely everything you can do. The situation you and your family are in is not your fault. I hope my previous post didn't read like that.

I think you should look carefully at the advice which people who have siblings like your son are offering. They seem to almost all be saying that he must leave the family home for the sake of the rest of the family, hard though that will be for you.

I think @StillCalendula is right.

This resonates a lot - I think it is the sibling experiences, some similarities, some differences.

DB ended up punching DF in the face in his early 20s. His partner persuaded him to get him down to A&E, the Psychiatrist interviewed him for one hour, got one word out of him, and he was sectioned.

He does have more insight now, not really trustworthy though.

I assume from your comments about his exceptional stature that your son was tall at age 10.
Possibly tall enough to pass as an early teen at the time when his behaviours became difficult around age ten?

It is not unusual for some young adults with MH &/behavioural issues to start smoking tobacco & weed at 10-11 years of age/early teens & for this to adversely affect the adolescent brain & subsequently their MH.

It may be that your son’s use of drugs has been earlier & longer term that you may think or that he has admitted to CAMSS etc.

I mention this as a possible piece of the overall jigsaw of your son’s condition.

My son started stealing from us at 13 he got some new horrid friends and started smoking weed. This was the start of a horrendous few years. His dad and I separated when he was 4 but remained friends and he had a decent stable upbringing.
Grounding him removing his stuff withholding money didn't work and when he stole my bank card and totally drained my account I called the police they sat him in an interview room and really went to town on him although no charges were brought. He was unfazed and it kept happening and his violence got to the point I couldn't have him around my younger children. He went to live with his dad who came home from work one day to find his house robbed. Absolutely everything that you would expect in a house robbery was taken and my son eventually owned up to it. We repeatedly asked ss for help and finally after my ex being on the brink of a breakdown they listened and offered us 6 weeks respite and for him to go into care. We retained PR and it was a short term solution which ended up lasting 13 months. He was given counciling,anger management , we all had mediation etc and he went back to dads. He's now the nicest kindest young man who I love dearly but for a while I really despised him. He ruined my pregnancy with DD he was vile and I cried daily due to his behaviour he was abusive violent and nasty. I look back at this time now and it's like it was someone else's life. How could my sweet boy turn into such a horror sell his laptop tv Xbox for weed. Don't give up on him op but don't put up with him either. Xx

Oh and when my then 6ft 2 15 yo was looming over me and screaming in my face I was scared 😟 I punched him full in the nose (first and only time I had ever hit him) and that's what it took for the violence to stop when he knew I would t stand for it any more 🤨

Forgot to mention already has SS involved. No help offered, just yet more assessments and reports. Mainly because every single thing they suggest has already been done. StillCalendula, that approach was for two years ago. He has had significant intervention and expertise. I have sorted through his room with him, many times. There are only so many bottles of wee from under the bed you can cope with! He has a really beautiful bathroom to wee in right outside his door! My house is NOT out of control at all. I have passed through the crying yelling grieving stage and most times things are pretty calm, becasue I work really hard keep it that way. With all due respect, teaching and parenting are NOT even slightly the same. The hyper vigilance in your own home, having to watch every word, go through the house locking and unlocking doors, the horror at each new nasty thing, the hopes raised, then dashed. One of the three of us is always collapsing with the other two trying to be strong for them. I have loads of experience with autistic kids, my daughters mates, ASD groups, reading, years of engaging with services for my daughter. CAMHS say he doesn't have any of this. I am so sure he doesn't. I am not at all sure about the extent of any drug use and yes that may be a factor. I also know his terrible eating will be affecting his mood and ability to think straight - he refuses family food even though he ate all the healthy stuff fine his whole life.
Mucky1 that is amazing to have come through that. It is my last hope that he realises how good he had it and grows up enough to make some better choices.

I'm sorry you've got this on your plate OP, you sound like you've done everything you can. Unfortunately I agree with the multiple PPs saying chuck him out and change the locks. He has a lot of the signs of a dealer (2 sim cards, cash despite not having a job, etc) or given his size and the agressive nature you've described, perhaps something of an enforcer. Either way, you need to get him out for the safety of you and your family. I agree he needs help, probably has serious issues that need treating at the source, but you've done all you can for him and it sounds like it's harming all of you having him around. He might change, he might not, and it will be hard, but I think you need him gone now.

OP your last post makes it very clear why it’s unhelpful for people to try to ‘diagnose’ over the internet. It needs specialists to make diagnoses (and actually it seems your son has been extensively assessed and offered all the appropriate support and interventions anyway.) You sound strong and determined, and I hope this thread has been supportive in validating for you that sometimes you can do all the right things but unless a young person makes the active free will choice to engage, you cannot solve their issues. One thing I would say which I hope reassures you, is that although there are no guarantees he’ll make a change (and you shouldn’t judge your success as a parent by whether he does) I firmly believe that the roots that you’ve established for him and the years of love and support won’t be totally forgotten. They may be buried deep under a load of his problems at the moment, but I believe there is a greater chance of a young person coming through this sort of thing when they have a background of consistent parental support.

The focus has now got to be 100% on your dd, yourself and your dh. You have to be as open as you are to us here on MN and catalogue everything: let the police, your gp and social services know there is a crisis and your mental health is in danger.

Nothing will be done unless there is a crisis so make the biggest fuss you can and be open with what you and our family are suffering with.

You have tolerated hell too long and you can't do it anymore.

As he is under 18 the authorities will help.

To help him is to detach. Put your other family members first.

Good luck. You never know, he might turn a corner when he realises mummy isn't going to enable him any more with a warm place to sleep, a nice home, food and clean clothes.

Don't provide any service unless he earns it op but it's too late anyway as he has no respect for you so protect yourselves now please.

Sorry about the capital letter shouting in the last post. I appreciate so much input from so many. Bit blown away actually.

@purplemagnolia I’ve sent you a PM, sorry, it’s quite long

It's difficult because you have to balance the best interests of both your children. Your DD has a right not to have abuse and bad treatment, especially so with her ASD but also irrespective of ASD. At 17 he probably needs to accept some responsibility for his choices. You've given him guidance and direction, it sounds like services have tried to help him develop to his full potential too, although I am not sure how hard they tried to engage him directly.
He has a right to his feelings and views, and friendships, but not if those associations are putting you and your family at risk. I agree that removing a door is rather invasive of privacy and somewhat humliating, not a fine suggestion from camhs. His actions are now putting the rest of your family at risk. He has unexplained money which suggests he could be selling drugs for someone, or stealing more than you know. He may also be using more drugs than you know. Who knows's what he would have done with £900? You can be assured you won't know, and don't want to know, the half of it. His refusal to eat well is a worry too. On the positive side, he has got GCSEs, had a stable upbringing, college can be retaken, you are a protective factor for him. As PPs said you have to be honest and fair, and do what you truthfully feel is for the best.

The pain is always yours to bear, I feel for your family.

I'm not sure if you have the financial means for this, but what about one of those wilderness camps in the USA where you send troubled teens? Have a google if you haven't heard of them. They are meant to be pretty effective, but idk.

No idea what to do. Sounds like you living a nightmare.

Sorry just saw you looked into the brat camps and too expensive. Fair enough, I agree. You need to kick him out...