Reporting my 17 son to the police for theft

[PurpleMagnolia]

I really want to hear from other parents who have experience of police involvement with their teens. I feel like we are at the end of the line with him and we are seriously considering bringing charges against him ourselves. He has been stealing from us in ever greater amounts from 10 onwards, can be very threatening and abusive when challenged, has tried to push his stepfather around if he 'dares' to get involved, has thrown things at me, is extremely intelligent, bullying and manipulative. He has every kind of support, I quit my job to try to love him and support him through his GCSE's he got 3 C's and a B, slept through most of them but had target grades of straight 8's. He is unbelievably lazy and disgusting, bottles of wee under the bed, room fully of rotting food, backpack like an actual compost bin rotting down in there. Is really overweight, smokes including a little pot. We live in a house of locked doors to every room, steals food all the time, lifetime of stealing other kids toys, sisters lego, money etc. Was just trying to survive until he leaves home and edge him through his college course in the hope that he could get a job and leave, which he is in danger of being thrown out of. He lies about absolutely everything and often has carefully constructed stories he builds up over time to put me of off the scent of what he is doing. His small group of friends are vile, nasty characters. He has always had consequences for his actions, paying money back etc. He has had all his xbox etc confiscated over the years and in the last year has no access to lounge (he nicks videos and sells them), no phone contract, no wifi, not even a door on his room. End of a long road of consequences. He has been to CAMHS, private counselors, Early Intervention youth services, family counseling. He has swallowed our life up trying to work out how to help him. BUT just recently I got a text from another trusted parent, telling me he has stolen over 200 pounds and another time been caught with her wallet in his bag. She had a serious talk with him, but didn't tell me, then the final straw was him stealing £900 worth of graphics card and memory from her daughters computer to sell on. We managed to get it back from the other little a%^&ole he sold it to, found he has tools in his bag for the job. She even told me that she had a warning from another Mum that he has stolen from her too. He is totally unrepentant and is really gloating about the fact that his mate had to give up the computer gear, and he got to keep the money. I don't given him money, both my kids (sister is a sweet hard working kind soul) earn their pocket money, but he can't be arsed. Somehow always has cash, I suspect through more stealing. ANYHOO, it's been a month since I got the text, he hasn't done and single job here (lawn mowing etc) to earn a penny and says he is 'looking into' getting a job. Totally unrepentant and I have given him 2 weeks to pay her back something decent (he owes her £265) or I will press charges. I have already called the cops on him for stealing my phone and threatening me, and they were amazing, said they would keep him in till late at night without pressing charges to try and teach him a lesson. Has no effect. What I really want to is to hear from other parents who have been devoted stable parents who have taken ever possible step and ended up with an amoral monster and what on earth they have done! Stepfather has been in his life since he was three, always supported him been great husband and dad. Bio Dad was total bastard as well, no hoper, nasty and selfish and died a few years ago. All this started well before his Dad passed however. I can't talk about to most people because they always say stuff like 'I wouldn't let him get away with that'. What can you do when is he massively tall and 24 stone! We have no conequences left and I am afraid he has found some new friends to steal from their parents. I had to text round all the ones I new to tell them to protect then from people robbed! I have been through the crying, the depression, the hysterical grief, the horror, have read a million books on how to raise boys, challenging sons, strong willed children, confident boys ad nauseum. Nothing! Sorry for the long rant but I just don't feel he should be allowed to get away with it and pick up some new victims. Help!

for you OP.

You have exhausted virtually every avenue open to you.

It’s all good and well strangers telling all about how you have to understand adhd, demand avoidance etc. But you and your family have to live with this. It’s simply not fair on you or them.

You cannot sacrifice your family on the altar of your sons demands.
At this point, you do need to remove him from your family home.

Kick him out, make him fend for himself but don't tarnish his record, you'll regret it in the future. He can come back from this, have a little faith.

How are things going Purple ? I'm sorry you have had to deal with such soul destroying behaviour from your son, and are feeling so at the end of your tether its terribly sad

Sadly it seems to have become a competition of who can outlast who. There is no chance of a positive relationship when there is absolutely no common ground and yourson appears to be going out of his way to upset you with his behaviour.
I agree with previous poster that he is doing the opposite ofwhat you would like, as a way of seperating from you. He seems to misinterpret you and your intentions and stubbornly refusing to 'toe the line' at al as he is desperate to. be grown up, yet still acting in so many ways very immaturely, and exhibiting criminal like behaviour instead of choosing the happier, safer, path. The home has become a prison for all, with loss of trust, fear, locked doors. You are right that yourson's personality is different and he is incredibly stubborn and appears to have traits of personality disorder or autism
You have been dealt such a tough situation, and it seems your son may someone who willalways make poor choices that not only impact himself but also those closest to him. And yet he blames those closest to him instead of facing his very obvious flaws Yourson is far too invested in being a smart arse and showing that he can survive using criminal like behaviour to be the better person and finding common ground.

If you choose to throw him out, perhaps this will be the jolt he needs, but so far he seems to learn nothing at all from negative consequences and this seens to reinforce his firm reslove to rebel and cause havoc and place both himself at risk by poor choices. He has a stubborn refusal to admit wrong and make ammends

He is unlikely to be the grwon up and look at positive ways to rebuild the broken down relationship, but he may wish that at some time you could find a way to begin again? Can you find small things that you both agree on, things that make you laugh or just some common ground where you are not at a stale mate? You say its the end of the riad, but can you find a glimmer of hope for you to rebuild the relationship You have been dealt a crap card and either way its so sad for both of you

Pack his bags and tell him he's gone from the house. Give him a letter to take to the council, saying that due to intolerable differences, you have asked him to leave the family home, from this date and sign it. He must then register with the council. If he threatens you, your husband or your daughter, ring the police and tell them to remove him from the property as he is using threatening and intimidating behaviour and you are fearful. Once your son has left, it will give you some time to talk, relax and plan for the future without driving yourself crazy.

I am just letting this all sit with me at the moment and talking through it all with DH. It's such a big decision and we are both so angry, we feel that we have to think though it all and allow ourselves space to consider everything before doing anything. I am also trying to finish off a big university project and not get derailed for the third year running by his crap. Not keen to do anything to upset to already decrepit apple cart before that. I was also hoping against hope that he would use this last half of the easter hols to earn some money to pay back his latest victim, but he has been leaving the house without a word each day and won't do anything. Midsumma I have up until this latest incident when the criminality went off the scale been trying to jolly him along, being as funny as I can where there is opportunity to introduce a bit of comedy presents itself, keep the lines open a bit etc. But all that has gone out the window with this. My last hope for him is the hard lesson of fending for himself and facing up to the results of his terrible choices. If he tries to make trouble I will let him know we will press charges. DH is talking about getting security cameras around the house before we do anything. :-/ At the moment, his only real consequence is not being able to go to any of his friends houses, as I warned them about his stealing, but since the weather is so nice, he doesn't really care. Hasn't eaten a single thing at home for a week, so obviously has money, and can travel where ever he likes with his bus pass. He's not feeling any negative effects apart from me not being happy with him. Big deal huh.

Where's he getting money from?

I'm amazed he has any friends if he's stolen from them. Do you know who they are?

I have no idea at all where the money can be coming from. It is nothing good. He stole from two of his friends families. One has disowned him, one doesn't seem to care, which is even more awful.

I sympathise massively with you. How desperately hard you have tried to help and support him. But this has to stop.

You need to kick him out. Literally, get police support and kick him out. You can give him one last warning if you want, but follow through. You cannot live like this, it’s hell for you and must be a massive strain in your marriage and you other child.

Out

he’s an adult now, and if he will not live in a civilised way, he has to leave. You can go about rebuilding (if you want to) when he has left your home, I suggest meeting in places that are neutral, where he cannot steal your stuff.

My son was not this bad, but he was a thief. He had very low self esteem and a number of other problems ... he was younger, so at 18 I paid fir him to go on a volunteer project in Nepal. He got accommodation and food, and had to work rebuilding schools in Kathmandu, and then doing conservation work in the Himalayas. I wanted him to learn what it was to be truly poor (Nepali) to learn some self discipline and to give us all a break from the relentless stress.

It worked, he’s now 21, at colllege and has a pt job. But it was tough love .

Good luck, this is NOT your fault .

Kick him out op and change all the locks. I would be worried about him loosing his temper one day and attacking one of the family.

Plus otherwise nothing will change. Sometimes you just can't save everyone.

I've read your thread and my heart goes out to you, PurpleMagnolia.

You have clearly done everything in your power. I agree with everyone saying your son needs to go. I also think there's a possibility that if you don't evict him there's a chance things could get worse. You're scared, and in your shoes I would be too.

Don't take him to the doctors, take him to the council along with a letter for them to confirm that he cannot live at your house anymore.
Social services & the council will try to tell you that you can't do it but that's because their services are stretched so thin they don't want another client but you need this.
That is the only chance left he has of getting help.
You cannot help him right now.
Let him know that if he really does turn it around he will have a family who still love him but right now you need to let him go.

Inheriting money at 18 in the state he is in means he will just be so much worse then & at that point in time nobody else will be there to help him so you will feel even more pressure to keep trying yourself.

Change the locks, stand firm & be prepared to call the police if he tries to bully his way back in.
He will either sink or swim but right now your whole family seems to be drowning while you hope he'll somehow magically snap out of it.
If nothing changes, he won't change either.
You & your husband have done everything that you know to do but sometimes you just have to let people make their own mistakes no matter how much they might get hurt by them.

He might come through this & be a different man by 25, or he might be serving time but at this point he has to take charge of his own life & do that outside of your home.

Letting him go for now does not mean you do not love him.
It is okay to want to stop him hurting you, your husband & your daughter any longer because you all count too.
All of you are entitled to have a chance at a happy home life.
It's not all about your son.

Haven't read the thread but 100% what @BigBooBoo said

NRTFT, I agree that his behaviour is horrendous and it must but awful for you OP! I do think making him homeless at 17 would be a bit harsh. From my own experiences, until he’s 18 the police will more than likely rather he stay with you. Run aways were told to go home up until 17yo but then the school leaving age changed so I presume it would be the same with the police. I don’t think they can prosecute on word of mouth that he took some notes from your purse. Not gospel but just thinking in terms of evidence. He should be in full time education until he’s 18 why isn’t he? Apologies if he’s just off for the holidays or was expelled etc. If he was studying he wouldn’t have much time to be committing all the criminal acts. If there is another parent are you receiving child support? The child support will need to be paid directly to your DS if he is no longer living with you, and will be done so until he’s 20 if he’s in FT education. So he’ll still have money for alcohol, drugs etc. I know that it’s hard but you need to come down hard. Make sure he has zero access to money so can go cold turkey on drugs. Get him a vape/let him get his own to stop smoking. Encourage him to excercise, read, find a hobby he enjoys. Eat healthy. Look for apprenticeships. Tell him that he can be better and make something good of himself! Engage with him. What does he want as a career? What qualifications does he need to do it? There needs to be positive reinforcement as well as a firm lead from you on his life. He’s only young and if he becomes homeless he may spiral into worse drug taking and criminal behaviour. I hope that things work out for you. He will be a nice, contributing member of society one day don’t worry! He’s just got to grow up first. Try and remember he’ll be a totally different person in 5 years time, depending on how you deal with him now

@balloonyellow - I feel like you're telling the OP to do things that she has completely exhausted. So, while your intentions are good, I feel like the OP has been an exemplary mum and is beyond your suggestions.

balloonyellow, if you'd read the thread you'd know that your suggestions are superfluous. OP has tried everything humanly possible.

PurpleMagnolia what was he like as a toddler, as a 5 year old? My guess is he had issues, but you had a loving connection and although his behaviour may have been very challenging, and exhausting, somehow because he knew you kept the faith in him, he was slowly able to overcome or work on his failures.

If this was him back then this can be him again.

You have exhausted yourself being there for him already, ( during his final years at school and before this) and this would not be healthy to return to that. But you can begin again, this time making sure the whole family is supported and puts themselves first, at the same time not giving up on him.
You have, understandably, completely lost faith in him due his very serious and very hurtful mistakes. This is not your fault. This is his fault, yet he may be too caught up in 'winning' at seperating from his family to prove he doesnt need you, so its possible he could seem as if he does not care when in fact he may deep down be ashamed .

He can not change his serious mistakes nor will he suddenly be that insightful honest person but you can give it another try, and see if this takes you and him closer to the boy he once was, having learned from his mistakes. However if he is anything like my son was, he will need to form better friendships or else he may sink trying to emmulate their criminal -like behaviour. And this is not something easy to change since he may be running to friends who have nasty intentions and horrible ways of life. It is a patents worst nightmare. Been there.

Forgiving serious mistakes can be powerful in providing a link between you and him, and a way to start again. This gives him an olive branch to grab instead of the arseholes he is turning to.

You can throw out the old way of responding to his behaviour, and return to loving him, but not his behaviour. There is likely to be much about your son that you and others dont know yet, as he is just too lost and immature to express it. He may have a lack of self respect especially since his behaviour is increasingly reckless He may be confused not only about your loving intentions when setting boundaries and removing priveledges, but also confused about himself. This will unravel in time.
For now if you want you can try a different way instead of removing priveledges, try starting again, with him earning your trust. But it means you need to show him you want to learn to trust him again, before he can then show you that he wants to be more trustworthy. For example, what would happen if you stored all valuables somewhere else , and unlocked all those doors and let your son live in the loungeroom and the rest of the home?

It is so hard to not lose all hope when this is such a heartbreaking way for your son to behave. You have shown by your thinking this through, no matter what you need to do, that you can and will continue to grow and learn through this crap situation, and not be crushed by this You are very strong, having succeded against all odds in getting this far despite your sons horrible behaviour You still need to be very clear about what you will and will not allow and protect yourself and your family.

You can’t make a 17yo homeless though? Unless you can get a solid criminal conviction against him surely the police will just bring him home. He should be at sixth form or college and needs a home to be able to do that. You need to involve social services ASAP and get him taken into care. Providing there’s time left until he’s 18 anyway. Please let your son get support from other people. If under Social Services he should continue to get support until his early 20s

I watched a few of those Warwick Dyer vids and those households look like a lot of very chaotic inconsistent reactive parenting and the kids look out of control. I'm not saying we haven't had our moments and I've certainly lost it at times and yelled at my kids like a crazy lady, but that just isn't us. He absolutely doesn't want to change. At the end of every process with all the specialists, teacher etc it alway comes down to the fact that bascially he has to engage and want things to change, but he doesn't. My son is relatively calm at the moment. He is confident and relaxed about what he's doing. All the things suggested above have been done to death. I have loved and humoured him. Built him up, done exercise with him. Trusted him and shown it. Loads of descriptive praise etc. My husband look up running with him. He's had money for going to the gym (stole it) It's the premeditated criminality with the total lack of remorse and the being so pleased with himself about it which is so terrifying. We have wiped the slate clean before and opened up the house while removing all the things we can think of, but so far he has always found something we haven't thought of to nick and sell. Once we locked our house down, he has just moved on to other peoples houses. Who is going to suspect someone you are feeding a Sunday roast to and who is sitting there charming your elderly Grandma of stealing from you purse?! Other parents all love him at first as he is so polite, respectful and good mannered, it just doens't last as he then works his way in to staying over way too much and stealing, and taking over the place. He been up to no good when things are really pleasant around the house, intelligent chats around the dinner table, jokey texts with kisses, good reports from teachers, he can rob you blind, cool as a cucumber and deny it with breaking a sweat or looking worried. Still I had hope, still kept trying, still believed I could help him. He is at 6th form college, but I have been told he is not going to be invited back for the 2nd year because he just won't work, mucks around in class and drags everyone else into doing it. He is the bad influence they say, it's not his mates that are dragging him down. He's had lovely friends in the past, but they drift away because sooner or later he does something awful - including stealing from them. Or puts too much pressure on them to provide him with a bit of money, a video game he wants, talks them into buying a game together then keeps it, nicks some tech gear. It's always exploitation. In a calm moment he will admit that he doesn't really like anyone, his friends are just something to do, utterly ruthless and amoral. Anyway. I appreciate everyone's thoughts. It's just difficult to understand unless you have been there. Still thinking through everything. Has a dream last night I was greiving and kind of wailing all night. Something in me is saying goodbye I guess. :-(

@InLiverpool1 - that's a ridiculous and cruel comparison to make, when there has been very limited information released about the Scottish child killer. You cannot make those glib comparisons on a thread where a mother has poured her heart out about her son. It's very careless. He has shown evidence of criminality and lack of remorse, but you've made an enormous and unforgiveable jump.

The premeditated criminality and lack of remorse? Chilling.

You cannot compare the two

i am so sad for you PurpleMagnolia , and for your husband and younger child, to have been through so much with your son's horrible behaviour. Only you know the way forward , but please never feel alone. Although each family circumstance is different, many of us have been in that tunnel , and felt the horror as though we may never come through. You have already gone through some of the worst times, and are moving slowly through this upsetting and exhausting time for your family. Xo