Reporting my 17 son to the police for theft

[PurpleMagnolia]

I really want to hear from other parents who have experience of police involvement with their teens. I feel like we are at the end of the line with him and we are seriously considering bringing charges against him ourselves. He has been stealing from us in ever greater amounts from 10 onwards, can be very threatening and abusive when challenged, has tried to push his stepfather around if he 'dares' to get involved, has thrown things at me, is extremely intelligent, bullying and manipulative. He has every kind of support, I quit my job to try to love him and support him through his GCSE's he got 3 C's and a B, slept through most of them but had target grades of straight 8's. He is unbelievably lazy and disgusting, bottles of wee under the bed, room fully of rotting food, backpack like an actual compost bin rotting down in there. Is really overweight, smokes including a little pot. We live in a house of locked doors to every room, steals food all the time, lifetime of stealing other kids toys, sisters lego, money etc. Was just trying to survive until he leaves home and edge him through his college course in the hope that he could get a job and leave, which he is in danger of being thrown out of. He lies about absolutely everything and often has carefully constructed stories he builds up over time to put me of off the scent of what he is doing. His small group of friends are vile, nasty characters. He has always had consequences for his actions, paying money back etc. He has had all his xbox etc confiscated over the years and in the last year has no access to lounge (he nicks videos and sells them), no phone contract, no wifi, not even a door on his room. End of a long road of consequences. He has been to CAMHS, private counselors, Early Intervention youth services, family counseling. He has swallowed our life up trying to work out how to help him. BUT just recently I got a text from another trusted parent, telling me he has stolen over 200 pounds and another time been caught with her wallet in his bag. She had a serious talk with him, but didn't tell me, then the final straw was him stealing £900 worth of graphics card and memory from her daughters computer to sell on. We managed to get it back from the other little a%^&ole he sold it to, found he has tools in his bag for the job. She even told me that she had a warning from another Mum that he has stolen from her too. He is totally unrepentant and is really gloating about the fact that his mate had to give up the computer gear, and he got to keep the money. I don't given him money, both my kids (sister is a sweet hard working kind soul) earn their pocket money, but he can't be arsed. Somehow always has cash, I suspect through more stealing. ANYHOO, it's been a month since I got the text, he hasn't done and single job here (lawn mowing etc) to earn a penny and says he is 'looking into' getting a job. Totally unrepentant and I have given him 2 weeks to pay her back something decent (he owes her £265) or I will press charges. I have already called the cops on him for stealing my phone and threatening me, and they were amazing, said they would keep him in till late at night without pressing charges to try and teach him a lesson. Has no effect. What I really want to is to hear from other parents who have been devoted stable parents who have taken ever possible step and ended up with an amoral monster and what on earth they have done! Stepfather has been in his life since he was three, always supported him been great husband and dad. Bio Dad was total bastard as well, no hoper, nasty and selfish and died a few years ago. All this started well before his Dad passed however. I can't talk about to most people because they always say stuff like 'I wouldn't let him get away with that'. What can you do when is he massively tall and 24 stone! We have no conequences left and I am afraid he has found some new friends to steal from their parents. I had to text round all the ones I new to tell them to protect then from people robbed! I have been through the crying, the depression, the hysterical grief, the horror, have read a million books on how to raise boys, challenging sons, strong willed children, confident boys ad nauseum. Nothing! Sorry for the long rant but I just don't feel he should be allowed to get away with it and pick up some new victims. Help!

Kick him out.
You’ve done everything and he’s had loads of chances.
It may be the making of him it may not.
But you sound physically and emotionally spent.
Chances are he will land on his feet.

Ergh kick him out. He has no redeeming qualities, he's making everyone's life hell and seems to quite enjoy it. My dog conducts herself with more dignity.
I personally would pay the woman back myself, kick your son out and allow you, your husband and daughter to have some quality of life. The short sharp shock will either force him to sort his life out or he will continue to be a reprobate. Either way you all get some space from him.

Change the locks and pack his bag. He'll have to.present himself to the council for housing. They will ask if he is estranged from.you which you can confirm.
You really are at the end of the road, time to let him see how hard things can get

Give him a timeline to get a job, do the jobs you are asking for - show he is remorseful and warn him if not then he will HAVE to be looking for accommodation elsewhere as the locks will be changed and his stuff will be outside for him.

BigLittle, you are right, all his life he has never been able to learn ANY lessons. I really appreciate your input. Do you find any parents are ever the ones to press charges, and then they are released back to them? We don't want him back! My husband took him along for a stern chat with policeman friends about four years ago at the local station to try and make an impression on him. Zilch. We reported him missing to and had community police here to talk to him about that. We called the police about the threat and my phone and they spoke about being happy to try and make that impression on him, to put those boundaries in. Nothing. When you say deal with it ourselves BigLight, what thoughts do you have? Any advice gratefully accepted. The police we spoke to said most of the kids they deal with are suffering in all kinds of difficult circumstances, which he is not.

werideatdawn he does enjoy it. Its terrifying. I hadn't really thought of asking him to leave yet. My DH is following this thread too. It's the first time I've posted. Should have done it YEARS ago. We think that might be better than calling the police on him. It means I'm not actively destroying his chances, but making his choices his own and saving the rest of us. We are so broken. He has 2 weeks to make a big change and earn some legit money after all. Easter hols and he has not lifted a finger. Out all the time. Grr.

You have GOT to take your life back before your son destroys everything. Show him the door and then lock it behind him. You have done everything you possibly can. Tell him he's on his own.

You’ve done all you can op. Pack his bags, he needs to realise he’s not such a ‘big man’ when he doesn’t have his home comforts to fall back on. Sorry you ate going through this x

*are!!

^He will come into custody, he will have an interview and then be either charged with a crime or released.
The releasing will be back into your care as he is a juvenile^

at which point you contact social services and tell them you are making him homeless on account of his behaviour

To be blunt? I highly doubt it will teach him anything. We have them in an out ASAP when they are under 18 and this is his first offence. This is coming from someone who deals with detained juveniles day in and day out. Often, the same ones over and over again, until they hit over 18 and the crimes ramp up and we can impose bigger penalties

won't teach him anything but then the next time will NOT be the first offense. The more 'offenses' he clocks up the more he learns his actions have consequences - even if they don't happen until he is 18

You would be better to deal with this yourselves. The police aren't an extension of social services, although it feels a lot like it.

Official Cop Out ......... Criminal offense - which this brat has committed IS police business NOT social services. Not the OPs fault that the legal system lets under 18's get away with so much (Not yours either I know but ...)

You have GOT to take your life back before your son destroys everything. Show him the door and then lock it behind him. You have done everything you possibly can.

This. Please listen to this before you, your husband and your family are destroyed by this. I'm sorry this is your life right now - but it doesn't have to be.

Why haven't any of the people he has stolen from phoned the Police?

In addition to above - This kid has problems - genetic maybe being the bigger issue - a criminal record may make this worse or may make him realise that actions have consequences

Consequences will kick at some time regardless of what OP does. Consequences kicking in earlier rather than later have a better chance of being effective, whild the brain is still relatively young and plastic

As a sibling of a sister who is 30 next year (I'm two years younger) and still living with my mum and stealing off her, you need to kick him out. I worked out over the many years of unemployment she'd taken over £25,000 worth of rent and money off my mum, meanwhile I was lending money to my mum who has been in debt for a while now, knowing it would go to her. Your daughter who you said is lovely and hardworking will probably grow resentful and worry about you a lot. You owe it to yourself, your daughter and your partner. Some people will never stop being lazy so long as they have someone to pay for them. I don't know whether you should tell the police but you need to get him out your house for your own sanity. I'm sure the conviction will come naturally anyway.

We work really hard to keep our own lives intact in spite of all the anger, fortress house lock up system we have to suffer (we all have a set of keys and have to lock and unlock doors as we move through the house), we talk, talk review and talk the three of us to try to find a way though. DH and myself are strong and keep swimming, but my beautiful girl is has autism and the loneliness, rejection and bullying that brings to cope with already. She suffers so much from having so much stress in her home. It's just not fair. She is naturally a ray of sunshine, and keeps trying to make the best of things, which makes me so full of seething protective rage at the person who would knowingly bring this into her life. Jessnoah That must be so hard to see that impoverishing of your Mum. I don't want to be here in 10 years time. I just will not sacrifice us all on the alter of his revolting selfish bullshit. He is just like his dad Hecateh. I used to believe in nurture over nature, but I really think now that genetics have way more to do with it. I spent so many years trying and hoping, really thinking and putting stuff into place. We are really thinking now that throwing him out and giving him the guidance about where to go and what to do next and leaving him to face the consequences of his own choices is probably the better route than reporting him to the police.

Your DS sounds like my sister, who is now nearly 40, has had all of her children removed from her by social services, has been in and out of prison and yet my parents still allow her to mug them off and follow her around picking up the shitbombs she drops into the lives of anyone she has any involvement with.

They are angry, bitter, have lost all of their friends, our family are sick of all of them and my relationship with them is superficial and strained to say the least. I actually hate them for allowing her to destroy their lives (and mine up until I was able to leave home at 20) the way she has. I couldn’t wait to leave home and would have made lots of different decisions about my own life, education, etc, if there wasn’t such a desperate need for me to get away from home and make some kind of normality for myself.

For the sake of yourself, and more importantly your DD and your future relationship with her, you have to kick him out.

I had friends who eventually resorted to throwing their teenager out, telling the council that they were disowned. After a shaky few years, she's now far more settled with a lovely daughter.

@PurpleMagnolia What is your son's diagnosis? When he went to CAMHS did he get one then? What did the other professionals you have been involved with suggest?

This is not learnt behaviour, this sounds like something else IMO, something you're not going to "win" against, no matter what you do.

You need to call time on this, either by going to the police or officially forcing him out of your home. Either of those things will be really really tough for you to do, but honestly, is it any tougher than the day to day life you’re living right now?

Sounds to me as though there could be genetic issues at play here. And if his father effectively abandoned him from a young age and is now dead there must be a lot of unresolved issues there. Doesn’t matter how good a parent his stepdad has been, it can’t negate the other issues

One thing though jumped out from your OP... you say he doesn’t have a door to his bedroom? Do you mean you’ve removed it to try to keep tabs on him? Tbh I think that’s awful. He sounds like an utter nightmare but depriving him of basic dignity is not the answer. It clearly isn’t because it’s not changing anything and is possibly even making him feel more resentful and able to blame you.

Is your dd is half sister? Has he always resented her too? Do you think he resents her because of her additional needs? Or if she’s a half sister does he resent that she has her dad around and he doesn’t?

None of this excuses his actions, not a jot, but it might help you to work through what underlies this.

You need to take action though. He cannot continue like this. If he ends up with a criminal record then it will because of his actions not yours. And yes that will impact on his life and future choices. But it won’t ruin his life. He will have to live with the consequences but perhaps that’s the wake up call he needs. Nothing else has worked.

I feel for you, it sounds like a nightmare. I suspect he’s deeply unhappy; the weight issue, plus all the other stuff doesn’t paint a picture of someone who is actually enjoying their life. But you need to take drastic action now. It sounds as though you’ve done everything you could (except for the bedroom door issue which I feel is just plain wrong) but if his issues are rooted in anger and unhappiness about his father and possibly his (half?) sister then I suspect there’s little you could do anyway, with the best will in the world. He sounds as though he needs specialist help and coming from people outside the family unit. If he feels displaced within the family unit then he’s not going to accept any amount of reason or guidance or advice from you.

Again, not excusing any of his actions- they are horrendous. But to be acting like this over such a period of time and not changing at all, despite the care and support, despite the warnings... he clearly feels he has no stake in trying to improve things within the current home environment. Forcing his hand is probably the only thing left now.

This sounds awful and I feel for your whole family. Another one saying it would help you to plan your next move if you knew the cause of your son's behaviour. My cousin has a personality disorder with some of the same behaviours- his family can't change that but knowing the cause helps them to understand how to react and how best to help him. Have any of your CAMHS and other assessments provided a diagnosis?

Shawshank he wasn't diagnosed with anything, both of the private councelors we sent him to before we could get him in the CAMHs gave us the impression he was telling them stuff that wasn't true to make himself look the victim, the second one would only tell us he though he was very disturbed. He refused to go to CAMHS in the end, so they had to take him off their schedule. The final session he would go to he raged and ranted and abused me, and was so intimidating that the therapist was sweating. Up until that point they had been fairly relaxed about the whole thing and kept trying to say it wasn't so bad. After that the therapist told me he definitely was not clinically depressed, but that he had very serious issues and he would put him straight back on the books as soon as he was willing to come back, it was that serious. Usually people struggle to get in without a suicide attempt. It is not learned behavior as he has been like this his whole life. Early Help councelor from the local your hub said in the end that we may just have to let him get on with it and save ourselves. Having said that. CoffeeC. that is so dreadful and we are just not going to be like that. It's just not fair. It is already so isolating and shaming. People always thing its chaotic parents and before this happened to me I probably gone along with that. My understanding is that parent abuse is on the rise. I had 9 years of hell with his Dad, who I split from when son was 3. He was a lazy selfish father, never came to a single parent teacher evening, gave the kids presents that were really for himself (£$%^) and left it months without calling. We are definitely thinking throwing him out is better than the police. By the time I was his age I was working and living in a house share.

Thinking he can behave like this with no consequences will affect his life far, far more than a police record - which as far as I can see will happen anyway. If you want any relationship w him at all OP then it has to proceed on the basis of you having some boundaries.

How does he behave around animals?

Does he have empathy for anyone or anything?

He does sound deeply disturbed and very unhappy. To be 24 stone at 17 is very unusual, is he on medication?

I think the only thing you can do is to try and get him housed somewhere by the council. I wouldn't report him to the police as I don't think having a police record at his age will do any good at all. It can help in juvenile cases where each case is heard at a children's panel where the outcome is decided in the best interest of the child rather than punitive measures.

It sounds like you can't fix whatever is wrong with him, he's obviously inherited the personality traits from your ex. He should be encouraged to see his GP for a full MH assessment.

Sorry about the rubbish typing. :-/ The room door was on the advice of the CAMHS therapist. An absolute last resort when he refuses to lift a finger in doing any jobs around the house and owes us over £200 from now two years ago, refusing to pay us back. After that he can't access anything becasue every single door has a lock on it aprat from the bathroom. He was able to get the door back if he cleans his mouldy filthy room, rotting fruit in the bin etc. Sister is full sister. He does resent her as she is a good hardworking soul, but I have thrown some huge wobblies at him about that as she has been bullied and rejected her whole life, has learning difficulties and even he concedes her life is really hard when he's a bit calmer. I have put just as much energy and time in to helping him! He is deeply unhappy, and if it was just the overeating, misery, rudeness lazyness and grot, I could manage that. But its the serious criminality and predating of vulnerable people that scares me. That combined with the total utter lack of remorse, guilt, anything, he didn't even break a sweat when we confronted him about the stealing. Confident and relaxed.

Police and while he's at the station change the locks. Chuck him out for the sake of the others in the family.