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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Reporting my 17 son to the police for theft

230 replies

PurpleMagnolia · 18/04/2019 18:33

I really want to hear from other parents who have experience of police involvement with their teens. I feel like we are at the end of the line with him and we are seriously considering bringing charges against him ourselves. He has been stealing from us in ever greater amounts from 10 onwards, can be very threatening and abusive when challenged, has tried to push his stepfather around if he 'dares' to get involved, has thrown things at me, is extremely intelligent, bullying and manipulative. He has every kind of support, I quit my job to try to love him and support him through his GCSE's he got 3 C's and a B, slept through most of them but had target grades of straight 8's. He is unbelievably lazy and disgusting, bottles of wee under the bed, room fully of rotting food, backpack like an actual compost bin rotting down in there. Is really overweight, smokes including a little pot. We live in a house of locked doors to every room, steals food all the time, lifetime of stealing other kids toys, sisters lego, money etc. Was just trying to survive until he leaves home and edge him through his college course in the hope that he could get a job and leave, which he is in danger of being thrown out of. He lies about absolutely everything and often has carefully constructed stories he builds up over time to put me of off the scent of what he is doing. His small group of friends are vile, nasty characters. He has always had consequences for his actions, paying money back etc. He has had all his xbox etc confiscated over the years and in the last year has no access to lounge (he nicks videos and sells them), no phone contract, no wifi, not even a door on his room. End of a long road of consequences. He has been to CAMHS, private counselors, Early Intervention youth services, family counseling. He has swallowed our life up trying to work out how to help him. BUT just recently I got a text from another trusted parent, telling me he has stolen over 200 pounds and another time been caught with her wallet in his bag. She had a serious talk with him, but didn't tell me, then the final straw was him stealing £900 worth of graphics card and memory from her daughters computer to sell on. We managed to get it back from the other little a%^&ole he sold it to, found he has tools in his bag for the job. She even told me that she had a warning from another Mum that he has stolen from her too. He is totally unrepentant and is really gloating about the fact that his mate had to give up the computer gear, and he got to keep the money. I don't given him money, both my kids (sister is a sweet hard working kind soul) earn their pocket money, but he can't be arsed. Somehow always has cash, I suspect through more stealing. ANYHOO, it's been a month since I got the text, he hasn't done and single job here (lawn mowing etc) to earn a penny and says he is 'looking into' getting a job. Totally unrepentant and I have given him 2 weeks to pay her back something decent (he owes her £265) or I will press charges. I have already called the cops on him for stealing my phone and threatening me, and they were amazing, said they would keep him in till late at night without pressing charges to try and teach him a lesson. Has no effect. What I really want to is to hear from other parents who have been devoted stable parents who have taken ever possible step and ended up with an amoral monster and what on earth they have done! Stepfather has been in his life since he was three, always supported him been great husband and dad. Bio Dad was total bastard as well, no hoper, nasty and selfish and died a few years ago. All this started well before his Dad passed however. I can't talk about to most people because they always say stuff like 'I wouldn't let him get away with that'. What can you do when is he massively tall and 24 stone! We have no conequences left and I am afraid he has found some new friends to steal from their parents. I had to text round all the ones I new to tell them to protect then from people robbed! I have been through the crying, the depression, the hysterical grief, the horror, have read a million books on how to raise boys, challenging sons, strong willed children, confident boys ad nauseum. Nothing! Sorry for the long rant but I just don't feel he should be allowed to get away with it and pick up some new victims. Help!

OP posts:
PurpleMagnolia · 01/07/2019 16:52

I've done half his room. Two wheelie bins full of rubbish. Grim. I have started a great new job, and can get all my handbag ready and leave it downstairs, on the kitchen worktop the night before. Sounds so trivial, but it's amazing to be able to do something so normal. Anyway, I felt like it was the last lesson I could teach him, that if you behave like that and do all those terrible things, you will lose everything. If he doesn't learn anything from that, he's not going to. Just hoping that my brain will recover from the poor working memory so much stress gives you. I think that having your brain zapped by so much trauma is one big reason that people have trouble finding a way out of these situations. Anyway, there it is.

OP posts:
puppy23 · 01/07/2019 19:41

You've been so strong OP, I really hope things start looking up from here for you, DH & DD

WomanLikeMeLM · 01/07/2019 21:10

Just read through your thread and i am so proud of you OP. Your son will thank you one day for always trying for him, although it may not seem like it now. He has a chance to turn his life around, lets hope he takes it.

bellabasset · 01/07/2019 21:18

I am glad to read your update and I do hope your DS turns his life around. But now you, your DH and dd can enjoy a more relaxed lifestyle together.

It must have been a nightmare for you

Roomba · 02/07/2019 10:44

Well done. You may feel awful about how things have gone, but you've done the best thing for him and everyone eape in the household too.

My parents had to lock my sister out at 17 after years of similar behaviour. They had cash and items stolen, 'burglaries', found her in their bed with middle aged criminal men (she was 16 so it was my dad who was almost arrested for threatening the man in question!), they had other parents and my sisters ex friends shouting at them in shops/at school/in public about atuff my sister had done to their families too. Teachers tried everything. One well meaning teacher decided my sister just needed more responsibility so gave her a job babysitting his children - came home to the police in attendance due to a drunken party with older kids fighting on the pavement while his kids cried terrified upstairs.

They knew they needed to kick her out but put it off too long. Amazingly, she got a part time job via a scheme SS had, which became full time, then promotion etc. 20 years later she's a fairly senior civil servant via all this, and out earns me by far! She saved a deposit and bought a house and is a well rounded mostly sensible adult. If they hadn't kicked her out, I could very well see her in jail or trapped with seven kids by a succession of very dodgy boyfriends and never having had work.

PurpleMagnolia · 06/07/2019 19:15

I just wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to comment and shared their sometimes equally unpleasant and personal stories, sent me harrowing and comforting private messages, and just let me know there is a whole community of other parents out there. It has been such an amazing help. Thank you! xxx

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 24/11/2019 22:35

OP I have just read the thread and i wanted to say you are amazing. truly you have had a very tough time. I can only hope all is now OK.

Thanks
Shooturlocalmethdealer · 25/11/2019 07:26

You should have rang.the police when it was told he had been stealing from other people OP.
Sont worry about your son having a record.
He is well on his way to that regardless what you do sadly.
If being locked up doesnt faze.him maybe being homeless will.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 25/11/2019 07:51

My apologies.
I'm a few months late commenting above.
Awesome job OP. Sometimes we have to let go.
Love them from a distance.
Hopefully your DS will turn his mess into a message.

Bluerussian · 25/11/2019 08:04

Don't involve the police, please though I understand you are at the end of your tether.

When your boy is eighteen encourage him to find a bedsitter/studio. There are ways and means even for the unemployed but hopefully he'll have a job by then.

I do feel for you, it must be a nightmare.

Bluerussian · 25/11/2019 08:06

Sorry purple, I've now seen your updates on previous page.

I'm so glad things are being sorted and son has a place to live away from you. It was definitely time.

You can relax a bit now.

Flowers
Beautiful3 · 25/11/2019 08:28

Tell the others to call the police. He has to face his actions like a man. You are moddily coddling him. No more repaying his thefts. He has to face it. My brother was the same growing up. He ended up in a young offenders institute at age 15. When he emerged at 18 he learned his lesson, also that there were meaner and bader people then him. He knew that he didn't want to go to prison.

Collision · 25/11/2019 09:03

@Beautiful3 whilst it’s lovely that you have an opinion......

JUST READ THE THREAD 😡😡😡😡😡

and then apologise to the OP.

Hepsibar · 25/11/2019 09:14

How awful. Have you thought of going to your GP as there sounds like mental health issues, including poss funding an addiction? He's 17 so have you thought of something like Bratcamp before it's too late and there are transporters who will carry him there if need be.

When is his birthday? Once he hits 18, legally, unless he's at uni when parents are still involved in having their income tested for the loans, you have no need to have him living with you ... so sad though to think this life will be wasted in theft, prob homelessness and worse.

Jocasta2018 · 25/11/2019 09:25

Ask the other parents to report him. After all, he's stolen from their children.

minisoksmakehardwork · 25/11/2019 10:09

I would look at oppositional defiance disorder as well.

Given your dd has autism, there's a likelihood of something more than just being bad here.

Unfortunately if you leave it until he's 18 and throw him out, he will likely be on his own. Adult males are among the highest figures of homeless people.

Please don't think that all this is your fault either. I am raising my own challenging children and I'm sure I was a challenging child myself in a way. But it's only as an adult that I am finding answers.

If your son does end up imprisoned, if not this month then sometime in the future, he will likely receive therapy and such which will help. But it's how much further beyond the current rock bottom he will be to get that.

minisoksmakehardwork · 25/11/2019 10:10

And definitely get the people he has stolen/steels from to report him. It removes you from being the bad person but ultimately could end up benefitting him in the long run.

Collision · 25/11/2019 10:20

RTFT PEOPLE! 😡😡😡

minisoksmakehardwork · 25/11/2019 12:01

Apologies. I thought I had. I most had flipped the thread inadvertently.

Op. Glad you got sorted even if not as expected. Hopefully your son has seen this as a fresh start and is behaving himself.

stayathomegardener · 25/11/2019 14:56

@PurpleMagnolia I really hope Ireland was a positive move for your son and that all is well for your DD with a calmer home.

LochJessMonster · 25/11/2019 15:05

ZOMBIE POST

OP didn't report him to the police, she kicked him out, he refused help from SS, has gone to live with a half-sister in Ireland.

Beautiful3 · 25/11/2019 20:09

@Collision What makes you believe that I need to apologise to the op?!?! You are off your rocker!!!

Collision · 25/11/2019 20:21

@Beautiful3

I’m not off my rocker....... you said the OP was moddily coddling her son. (FYI it’s molly coddling not which she most definitely was not as you didn’t even bother to read the thread.

You just look like a twit. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Beautiful3 · 25/11/2019 21:54

Yes I stand by my comment. It is not your place to suggest an apology on my behalf. No one is remotely interested in your comment so jog on, you look like a keyboard warrior. This is the real world, no one cares about you spouting justice for x. This is a forum, people post problems and everyone is allowed to give an opinion , whether you like it or not. For you to be this bothered about a comment from a stranger that wasnt even directed at you, I wonder for your mental health.

Elieza · 25/11/2019 22:13

Well done OP. However it’s only a matter of time before he comes back. Sorry. So be prepared. This happened with my friends sisters teen boy. Same thing, he was an arse, in and out if the police station, passed off every kind relative that took him in. Then from a squat he decided he wanted money. He waited till they were on holiday and went round and broke in and stole anything of value to pawn for cash. So get a house alarm fitted and never tell anyone he knows when you are going on holiday.