“It’s nothing for you to do all night wakings,” says DH. “You’re genetically programmed.”

[geneticallyprogrammed]

We have 3 DC, the youngest of whom is now 8. This morning, DH was in a cranky mood because I had forgotten to close the cats into the lower ground floor rooms, so one came in howling for me at 5.30am. I immediately got up with the cat so DH was minimally disturbed, as I always do in this situation. Anyway, I took him a coffee to wake him up at 7am and he started ranting about how he need to be at “peak performance” this week; “millions are at stake,”etc (this is basically the case every week and is the story of my life). I again apologised for the cat and said that 5.30 is not that bad as a one off. He continued going on and on about “sleep deprivation”. I said to him that not once have I ever expected him to deal with the cats and, for that matter, not once did he ever get up in the night with any of his 3 children over the course of 7 years. His reply was, “Well that’s different, you’re a woman. You’re genetically programmed to deal with children and be awake in the night to adapt to their sleep patterns.”

I’m actually livid following this comment because I think it speaks volumes as to his attitude. AIBU?

He’s said he’ll do anything not to lose me. He said he’ll go to therapy with me. Also he will cash in his City Index portfolio because that has been another source of stress and his volatility over the years and he’s been kind of addicted to it

Words are cheap and easy so they are the favourite tool of the abuser, because they are basically bone lazy.

He is playing with you for his own amusement when he makes promises. If he had to put in more effort and turn really nasty or outright coercive, he would.

You should buy and read the book 'Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft.

Also 'Living With the Dominator' by Pat Craven.

Don't let him see either book. Don't share insights. Don't discuss remedies. He will not change.

You hand yourself to him on a plate every time you try to engage him in talk of changing because when you do he knows you are miserable. Hence the promises - he is watching you start to feel better and get hopeful and laughing at you. Things are just the way he wants them right now.

OP - These are worrying statements:

" I feel shattered from constantly walking on eggshells."

"he expects everything immaculate, all his laundry and dry cleaning done, effort with his dinner, etc.

This is very controlling:
" He says things to me like 'Why do you not just do as I say' "

Of course he'll do anything not to lose you he needs you in order to function, he needs you to be the little woman so that he can be the big I am.
He will say and do whatever it takes to get you back in your place and keep you there, but he will not change the underlying dynamic .....him Tarzan you Jane
Ultimately when you're so messed up mentally that you can't function he will discard you and find someone else to be the little woman so that he can be the big I am

I am a very practical person so I would factor in looking at this mathematically too. Have you consulted a solicitor to find out what you would be entitled to in the event of a split. Keeping you reeled in with your love for the children costs him very little. To employ a major domo house manager is going to set him back 50-100k in salary plus employers tax and NI. depending on the duties involved plus he’d have to civil to them, as well as afford the divorce settlement, you might have more bargaining power than you imagine.

DilliDingDillyDong

Do fuck off!

Your youngest at 8 will know what is going on as will your other children.
How do they have to behave when he's at home.
Staying for the children is not a good reason.I tried to do that and 3years later my DDS mental health is still affected.

He sounds controlling and very insecure. He’s basically turned you into his mother and he is a massive big baby crying all day and night to get his needs met (screw everyone else’s).

why would you want your children to think the woman has to run aorund after the man all day and be his slave

Op only you can decide what to do. It's easy for people to say ltb on here but it takes alot of strength. I posted under different names back when I was with my ex. As I say I was hollow back then and didn't want to upset the children. He also told me over and over he would change. I used to wish he would just cheat on me or something so I had a good reason to go. What happened with me though was I reached a point where I gave him a month to change but then realised I didn't care if he did or didn't I just felt nothing for him and if I did it was hate more than love so I left. As I say earlier the children are happier now.

You need to do what's right for you and not what strangers on a forum tell you but wanted you to know life isn't so bad as a single parent and there is another way.

Op, you grew up in an abusive home and you say you can't leave your husband because you can't do that to your children. It makes me so sad that you still don't see that your children are being raised in an abusive home just like you were. The example being set for them is something that will taint every aspect of their lives unless you remove them from this nightmare.

This ^

Your poor DCs :(

You mention upthread that he is OK about money, but also say that he has complicated investments etc and that you only have access to and info on the joint account.

So, sadly, it sounds like as well as his emotional abuse he also has high potential to be financially abusive, in the relationship and after you end it.

Remaining in this abusive relationship is far, far more likely to be damaging for your DC than leaving it. It will already have had negative impacts on them, particularly your eldest.

Dh had a city index portfolio too and it changed his behaviour for the worse - always massively stressed, full of snapping and worry over the money he had ties up. Best thing he ever did was get rid of it and not go back.

You won’t be able to accurately gage how the DCs’ actually think and feel. Unrealistic to seek to do that.

You can feel sorry for, love and have compassion for him but still prioritise your and your DCs’ wellbeing over him.

“He’s said he’ll do anything not to lose me. He said he’ll go to therapy with me. Also he will cash in his City Index portfolio”.

Good on the financial front: say yes to him cashing it in, then put the funds into a joint account you can both access. Ask him to share full details of his investments (of family money!) with you, and simplify them.

Couples counselling isn’t recommended where there is abuse. He could seek individual help from a counsellor specialising in encouraging abusive men not to abuse, but Lundy Bancroft and others recommend that this is best done while the men are single.

I only read half the thread but your DH is an absolute arsehole!!!! Who the feck does he think he is?!?!?

Do you have some supportive friends and family who you can turn to? I imagine it feels very lonely to be married to someone so selfish and indifferent to your feelings.

He'll do anything to keep you?

Really? I don't believe him. Will he change to a less stressful job? One that allows him to work regular hours so he can do the school run (morning or evening) to facilitate you going back to work?

Of course not. He's just saying it to mollify you.

Do you have sons or daughters? Think really hard about whether you and OH are modelling a positive relationship for them. Do you want them to think that this is how a loving couple are supposed to be?

Him and his scientific facts. Don't let that get in the way of your feelings.

Yes, we may have different hearing and sleep patterns and needs but grrr. Blummin' me, eh! AmIrite?