“It’s nothing for you to do all night wakings,” says DH. “You’re genetically programmed.”

[geneticallyprogrammed]

We have 3 DC, the youngest of whom is now 8. This morning, DH was in a cranky mood because I had forgotten to close the cats into the lower ground floor rooms, so one came in howling for me at 5.30am. I immediately got up with the cat so DH was minimally disturbed, as I always do in this situation. Anyway, I took him a coffee to wake him up at 7am and he started ranting about how he need to be at “peak performance” this week; “millions are at stake,”etc (this is basically the case every week and is the story of my life). I again apologised for the cat and said that 5.30 is not that bad as a one off. He continued going on and on about “sleep deprivation”. I said to him that not once have I ever expected him to deal with the cats and, for that matter, not once did he ever get up in the night with any of his 3 children over the course of 7 years. His reply was, “Well that’s different, you’re a woman. You’re genetically programmed to deal with children and be awake in the night to adapt to their sleep patterns.”

I’m actually livid following this comment because I think it speaks volumes as to his attitude. AIBU?

My DH admitted that he believed the same thing - not consciously, but deep down. He got it from his own parents - when my DD was small, my MIL made a comment about how 'mother nature' allows women to cope with no sleep. I soon put her straight on that one - but she needed to believe it for her own sanity, otherwise she would have had to face the fact that her own DH is a selfish moody arsewipe who didn't give a shit about her struggling when her children were small.

Now that DH has sorted out his sexist thinking and does his share of childcare/housework (he didn't used to - until I threatened divorce and he sorted himself out) he can't understand how he ever thought something so stupid. He's an intelligent man but he'd been so indoctrinated into seeing women as automatons with no needs, there to serve everyone else, that he didn't stop think how ridiculous it was to believe that a living human being could survive easily without sleep.

As for your idiot of a DH, it sounds like he needs to shove you down and make you feel bad to convince himself of how important he is. Along with being a raging sexist of course. He sounds absolutely unbearable.

Why are you accepting the role of doormat?

It suits him very well to think that you are “genetically programmed” to do things he doesn’t want to do because then he doesn’t have to confront what an arsewipe he is

I'd have thrown the boiling hot coffee in his face, frankly.

Come on OP, you deserve better.

I’ll bet that the following things are true:

• He never pulls his weight at home

• He spends lots of cash/family time on his hobby (probably cycling)

• He expects you to put up with everything because he’s the main earner.

• You and DC are always second to him/his job/his hobby/socialising.

• You have such low expectations of him you believe he is ‘good’ with the kids if he reads one a bedtime story once a fortnight. And he feels he deserves a medal for it.

Go on, how many of those statements are true?

But you've presumably let him get away with doing sweet FA for seven years with regards to the night wakings, yes?

I'm surprised how many women tolerate such shit behaviour from their partners.

So you are only there to facilitate him going to work?
Twat.

Words fail me.

Do not put up with this a moment longer.

Your DH sounds like a right catch. Sorry,that should have said he sounds like an arrogant,sexist twat.

How was he not wearing that coffee? Make the twat sleep downstairs with all the cats, preferrably using their litter tray as a pillow.

Knob!!

Please don’t place the blame for his behaviour back on the OP for “tolerating” etc. It’s never as simple as that. I like to think I wouldn’t tolerate it either, but who knows under different circumstances.

The onus is on men not to exploit women from the start, not to do so only until she asks him not to (using precisely the right words, so that he doesn’t feel too hurt or angry by her request). Men like this are far too common

He sounds like a complete twat.

Why are you bringing him coffee in bed and apologising for the cats? What does he do for you?

Please don’t place the blame for his behaviour back on the OP for “tolerating” etc.

No-one is blaming her for his behaviour.

They're saying that she's tolerated his attitude for at least seven years - she must have known his feelings to some extent before now?

He's an absolute loser.

On a separate note, I'm shocked at the amount of male cyclist selfish wankers. Seems like there's a similar thread on MN every week.

Are male cyclist all like this? Coincidence or correlation?

Pillock. Tell him to come to you with the fully peer-reviewed scientific evidence for what he is saying, or admit he's being a twat.

Tell him he's a cunt. And that when his daughter(s) grow up and become professionals, you hope their husbands are a lot more considerate and loving than he is.

I would like to beat him to death with my shoe.

Well, I think this is excellent news for you.

There must be HEAPS of things that you're not genetically programmed for, surely? Time to unleash your inner spoiled princess, I think. Be creative... can't dirty your nails doing any DIY, or checking boilers, or gardening. At all. Can't possibly understand anything financial, so why not book that very expensive spa weekend away with your girlfriends? Bins are out of the question, obviously, but so's anything to do with drains, for example, or dishwasher filters, or any of the other shit jobs ...

I hope HE is genetically programmed to get a throat punch, because that would be my reaction to such a comment.

Don't let science get in the way of your name-calling.

www.laleche.org.uk/reasons-night-waking-biological-norm/

Back when this evolved a man waking at night for a crying baby was useless. Genetic changes take thousands of years and there was never a genetic imperative to change this one.

"millions are at stake"
millions of people's lives? in which case fair enough - sort of but he could be more polite and presumptious about it
or millions of someone else's money? and he has to be on peak form for his entirely optional hobby - in which case =total knob

I can't believe that you apologised about the cat, who presumably is your responsibility as much as his.

He really doesn't know his anthropology does he?

Some seriously flawed reasoning there. If he believes that females are genetically programmed to be able to wake in the night to attend to offspring, then he should also believe that males are equally programmed to leap into action in the middle of the night to fight off marauding wild animals etc. Like a cat for instance.

Absolute nonsense - my husband was much better at night wakings because he could instantly fall back to sleep again, whereas I'd be awake for an hour again once the baby was back to sleep. No predisposition, just a history of it being the woman's responsibility.

Oh, and he works in financial technology, building online banking platforms and is also in charge of millions. He just thought it was more important that I didn't fall asleep behind the wheel of our car, or fall asleep on the sofa with the baby.

Your husband is an entitled arse.

What a wanker, you married someone who lives to work.
Remind him it's a job he does to pay the bills.
I couldn't be with someone who was such a poor husband and parent, especially when full of their own importance.

How sexist! And is he programmed to be an utter idiot?