“It’s nothing for you to do all night wakings,” says DH. “You’re genetically programmed.”

[geneticallyprogrammed]

We have 3 DC, the youngest of whom is now 8. This morning, DH was in a cranky mood because I had forgotten to close the cats into the lower ground floor rooms, so one came in howling for me at 5.30am. I immediately got up with the cat so DH was minimally disturbed, as I always do in this situation. Anyway, I took him a coffee to wake him up at 7am and he started ranting about how he need to be at “peak performance” this week; “millions are at stake,”etc (this is basically the case every week and is the story of my life). I again apologised for the cat and said that 5.30 is not that bad as a one off. He continued going on and on about “sleep deprivation”. I said to him that not once have I ever expected him to deal with the cats and, for that matter, not once did he ever get up in the night with any of his 3 children over the course of 7 years. His reply was, “Well that’s different, you’re a woman. You’re genetically programmed to deal with children and be awake in the night to adapt to their sleep patterns.”

I’m actually livid following this comment because I think it speaks volumes as to his attitude. AIBU?

OP... keep on going to your therapy...it will help you do some digging and self expiration.

I wouldn't be making him coffee or pandering to any of his requests. He seems to treat you like a PA.

Your children will come to see this as normal and you walking on eggshells.

I really hope the couple's therapy works.

He says things to me like “Why do you not just do as I say”.

It's really harmful to your DC, whether they're boys or girls, to be growing up with this kind of attitude around.

You say you don't want to leave him because of the kids but can you really imagine waking up one day at 50+ with the kids moving out to go to college and you're just sat there with a man who has spent his entire life demeaning you? You have your whole rest of your life to live. Why waste it with a man who is making you feel so worthless?

I understand the financial side of things. My DH also outearns me vastly so it would be financially very difficult for me to leave him. What you need to do is get a job. Even if it doesn't pay well, try to focus on getting a job and making some money of your own. That is what I am doing after a few years as a SAHP. It's never going to make me an equal earner to my DH but it's about self respect and freedom, a sense of the possible. I might not be able to salt away a million dollars on my income but I have a chance to at least pay my own way in life.

Living off the money of someone who demeans you is a depressing way to live and it does erode your self esteem long term. I bet too that your DH is the kind of man to think that without your own money you are bought and paid for so he can say what he likes to you. He would have more respect for you if you got back to work and showed him that others value you and you can do much more than just drive a bloody fro-yo van! And you would also have a better chance of leaving him some day.

Selfish, ignorant, sexist cunt.

Why is it that all of these wankers are always cyclists?

Because it allows them to avoid all their responsibilities while feeling like the gods they assume themselves to be.

OP, you deserve a life. You really do. Please find a way to have one.

Reading this having been up since 4.30am following the paw in the mouth treatment from my ginger tom. He and his tortie sister can start their demands for breakfast any time from 3.30am onwards.

I would much rather share my bed with them than a wuzzock like your DH OP.

You have an MSc? Use it, get yourself a job. Get back into the working world and get yourself some financial independence.

Maybe when you’re world is not just pandering to your H’a every whim you’ll be able to see just how damaging this relationship is to your children and how much they also tread on eggshells around their father.

I held on to my job by like crazy when ex tried to get me to quit to become a SAHM as I knew it was my only bit of independence and enabled me to take care of myself and my dc if I ever got up the courage to leave. It also helped keep me sane, being in an environment where I was respected and treated like a human being.

I wouldn’t even discuss it with H I’d start looking at ways I could start working again in my own field.

He can drive fro-yo vans if he wants.

Btw when I left ex I realised just how much my poor little dc were modifying their behaviour to appease him and also scarily how much my eldest especially (aged four) had absorbed his behaviour and would in turn treat me as he had. Both DC are years down the line now and lovely wonderfully well balanced individuals. But it took a lot of love, time, effort and therapy for them too.

Marriage is supposed to be about being a team. One partner is not The Big Cheese while the other is the supporting sidekick. You are equals. Maybe you have different roles to play in your family unit, and every couple divides the responsibilities differently, but you are both performing essential roles neither of which are more important than the other. You are not just Robin to his bike-riding, money-making Batman. You are Batman too! A child-rearing, MSc-qualified Batman! He needs to grow up or piss off! X

I think you should ask him to provide some scientific evidence for that comment. Presumably he’s read it in a peer reviewed scientific journal? Or is it just some bullshit that him and his sexist friends talk about?

Actually dick licker, historically women mothered in groups and communities of women and female relatives and there were many people to share the work of breastfeeding, sleep shifts and so forth.
Also there is much evidence to show that sleep is a trigger of mental illness and a major factor in PND.

ALSO on the basis odd his sarghment, he’s genetically programmed to hunt tigers, so maybe he should use his genetic advantages to go out and be a better provider so you can get a night nanny !!!!!!

Also these evolutionary arguments are ridiculous, we live in a modern world where child and maternal health have drammatically improved with the changes we’ve made. There is still much work to do, like getting lazy bastards into line.

*of this argument

He says things to me like “Why do you not just do as I say”. Then the next day denies it

Record him so he can't get away with denials.

Keep on with your therapy. Sounds to me that you already know on some level that you're going to leave and you're gathering your strength to do it. I think you're going to realise you're much more powerful than you realise. Your husband knows it! Why do you think he's caging you? Because he knows if you break free it'll be game over for him.
The therapy is hopefully helping you to see more clearly and truly acknowledge the unfairness and misery of your situation.
It's all very well being told to "just leave" but that's easy to say, sometimes harder to do.
Especially those of us who've been abused and are so conditioned to please and not risk rocking the boat.
You sound to me like you're pulling yourself out of the fog and it won't be much longer before you feel able to make a stand.
And I wish you the best of luck. I hope to see you on here in the near future saying you've seen a solicitor and are separating.

Your post makes me so sad. I was in your position for ten years and felt like I couldn't leave. I remember dreading him walking through the door as the whole mood of the house would change. We were together for 10 years and have 3 children and they were the reason I put up with him. He wasnt a cyclist as he was to lazy but into motorbikes instead. He wouldn't let me work but in the end I was so determined i started working nights sleeping the few hours the children were at school. He wouldn't even get them dressed for school even though his job meant he could do the school run. It's amazing how being a completely sleep deprived zombie opened my eyes and made me realise if I could do that on my own and still do everything for the kids I could do anything. The real straw that broke the camels back was that in my absence he started getting dd to to all the work instead of him.

So all I wanted to say is you can do it. I now work days have my children are happy and one has even said its nice I now smile and play. Family members have commented on how I'm not "dead behind the eyes anymore". I am broke as I was one of those stupid women who fell for the marriage is just a piece of paper line but I'm happy and life is too short to not be.

I hope the councilling goes well for you but if it doesn't you deserve to be happy.

Sorry for all the mistakes I've only just woken up.

I was a child with parents similar enough to your dynamic. I can assure you when they grow up they will not thank you for putting yourself and them through this.

Children need a happy, stable environment, if you're treading on eggshells you can guarantee your children will be too when they're old enough to understand. As an adult I can honestly say its had an effect on my relationships and is something I'm working on. Fear of confontation, massive anxiety and not being able to put myself first are all issues I've struggled with which with counselling I've managed to see mostly stem from how I saw my mother act and be treated when i was young.

You are allowed to leave and make a newer happier life for you and your family without him. Start to think about how that'd look. Of course there'd be upset but realistically there'll be upset if you stay too. Would short term upset and then a happier, more stable home life not be preferable to on going mental torture and anxiety?

I'll be officially divorced at the end of the year after an emotionally abusive marriage, no children but at the end I was able to see what I needed to do for my long term happiness. I hope you get there too.

THROW HIM IN THE BIN WITH HIS BIKE.

This sounds so hard, OP, well done for seeking help and trying to protect your family, even if in the end leaving might well be the best option for you and your dcs. Your DH says you have your priorities right but he does not respect you or the role you have taken on. It's pretty pathetic to think you are more important than your partner just because you earn more money. If he really finds his job so stressful (although I suspect that's a ruse and he enjoys playing the 'important stressed person' role), then maybe he should consider a career change. Either way, don't take your self worth from him. You have raised 3 children pretty much single handed, you have a masters degree and the world is your oyster. Plus your cats love you! Take care xx

Don't live your life in service to this man, you're worth much more than that

It sounds as if your DH might have a "rage attack" whenever he is frustrated and then he lashes out (verbally) at whoever is nearest. Someone having a rage attack will say anything at all just to hurt someone. They get angry with other people nearby and even blame them for what has gone wrong, even when it's nothing to do with the other person. He may make the effort to keep his rage under control at work. Some people don't, and they lose their jobs frequently because they let rip at their boss or a client. Other people make the effort to keep control with their boss but don't think they need to keep their anger under control with their subordinates. They often keep their jobs especially if they are good at what they do but get a reputation for bullying. Looks as if your DH doesn't think he needs to keep control of his rage when he is with you. Never mind whether his rage is really about you or not, he still vents it at you.

It's also possible he blanks out anything he says during a rage attack. Your therapist's suggestion is good for what to say when he denies saying something. Other possibilities are a firm "perhaps you wish you hadn't said that" or "you may not remember saying it but you did say it, and I have to live with hearing you say it".

You do not have to live forever with a man who has rage attacks that he cannot or will not control. You will be free of this eventually. Even if the only way to end it is to leave. Like I said, in nature there are consequences, and one natural consequence of his poorly controlled rage is that people he loves will eventually leave him behind for a safer happier life.

Op, you grew up in an abusive home and you say you can't leave your husband because you can't do that to your children. It makes me so sad that you still don't see that your children are being raised in an abusive home just like you were. The example being set for them is something that will taint every aspect of their lives unless you remove them from this nightmare.

OP you say you can't leave because you 'couldn't do that to the kids' (you don't say if they are boys or girls), but any boys will grow up to be like him and any girls will grow up to believe this is the norm and marry a man like him. You have to show them this is not normal and not how things should be.
My DH isn't a high earner but does have a stressful job, he does both breakfast and bedtime with the kids, as he works during the day. He does his fair share of cooking and housework and never complains.

I would suggest that if he is so stressed and has to work late all the time he has a problem with his work organisational skills - I said on another thread recently that a "D"H who was always working was Mr Disorganised rather than Mr Important. Next time he comes home all stressed tell him that if he is finding work that hard perhaps he is not genetically programmed to work at such a demanding level and needs to find something a bit easier to do instead... or at least think that to yourself. Just because he wants the narrative of Mr Important doesn't mean you have to buy into it let alone bend over backwards to facilitate it.

Thankyou again for all the comments. I do hear what everyone is saying, but I’m just not at the point where I feel I could divorce him at this time. The mood does change when he walks through the door, I feel it and obviously it must impact the DC on some level. I’m going to try and gauge how they’re feeling. I keep second guessing myself. When he’s in a more “normal” mood, I forget the rest, but then it switches back. It’s confusing and sometimes I feel detached from my own life. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for him or angry. He’s said he’ll do anything not to lose me. He said he’ll go to therapy with me. Also he will cash in his City Index portfolio because that has been another source of stress and his volatility over the years and he’s been kind of addicted to it. I have to give the therapy a shot and just focus on reasserting my boundaries. Thanks again.

I can totally understand why you stay. I was miserable for year's married to XH and walked on eggshells. The mood also changed in the house when he was there.

However l still wasn't strong enough to leave as nothing seemed a good enough reason.

He then left me 1.5yrs ago for OW and l am so so thankful. I feel a huge weight has lifted. I feel so much more relaxed and my anxiety has gone.

I probably would never have left and l so admire all the women on here who do leave.