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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“It’s nothing for you to do all night wakings,” says DH. “You’re genetically programmed.”

217 replies

geneticallyprogrammed · 17/04/2019 16:41

We have 3 DC, the youngest of whom is now 8. This morning, DH was in a cranky mood because I had forgotten to close the cats into the lower ground floor rooms, so one came in howling for me at 5.30am. I immediately got up with the cat so DH was minimally disturbed, as I always do in this situation. Anyway, I took him a coffee to wake him up at 7am and he started ranting about how he need to be at “peak performance” this week; “millions are at stake,”etc (this is basically the case every week and is the story of my life). I again apologised for the cat and said that 5.30 is not that bad as a one off. He continued going on and on about “sleep deprivation”. I said to him that not once have I ever expected him to deal with the cats and, for that matter, not once did he ever get up in the night with any of his 3 children over the course of 7 years. His reply was, “Well that’s different, you’re a woman. You’re genetically programmed to deal with children and be awake in the night to adapt to their sleep patterns.” Hmm

I’m actually livid following this comment because I think it speaks volumes as to his attitude. AIBU?

OP posts:
corythatwas · 17/04/2019 18:27

Come to think of it, my dh, a not very well paid middle manager, also handles contracts worth millions. Didn't stop him from jumping out of bed at 2.30 a.m. the other night and driving 3 hours to London and 3 hours back when dd was ill and the hospital wouldn't discharge her unaccompanied. Evolution, presumably, hid behind the sofa.

VladmirsPoutine · 17/04/2019 18:27

Good grief! I often think when looking at couples and families that on the outside seem to 'have it all'. In other words, comfortable lifestyle, well-behaved and rounded children, both parents successful in terms of career or chosen lifestyle if SAHM; that no-one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Sometimes it can take a lifetime for the penny to drop but once it does nothing will ever look the same again. I suspect your moment has come. Your choice is now to either do something to change it or spend forever more seething in resentment.

Original poster
geneticallyprogrammed · 17/04/2019 18:35

Thankyou. Sorry for not getting back - I was actually in psychotherapy! I’ve been having it since last summer and the wool is lifting gradually.

To be fair to him, he had been stressed with work recently, but basically my whole life has been supporting the “DH show” since we got married. So if it was just this period, I would write it off, but it’s like a rollercoaster with him. He is very successful but also quite self-obsessed. This comment today has hit a nerve. He thinks everything so do is just like breathing for me. It obviously suits him. I actually don’t want to go home now. He will apologise and be OTT, but he’ll be back to offloading everything in me within 24 hrs. It doesn’t take much.

I’ve booked us into couples therapy today. He’s not happy but there you go. And I’ve told him he’s making me ill and I can’t take it any longer.

OP posts:
brizzlemint · 17/04/2019 18:36

My reply would be "It's nothing for you to have a vasectomy without a general anaesthetic'

He's being a total dick.

NicciLovesSundays · 17/04/2019 18:37

Loving some of the insults here but maybe he has been programmed to think this way? He wouldn't be the only person to have these views - the problem is how to help people see the error of their ways and to think differently so that things improve in the future.

NicciLovesSundays · 17/04/2019 18:39

@geneticallyprogrammed hope the couples therapy helps but it might be hard if he refuses to buy into the process.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/04/2019 18:40

How's the division of shitwork in your household generally, though? Does he do his share, or is any request from you that he even bring a dirty mug back to the kitchen met with some version of 'look, I EARN ALL THE MONEY therefore I must be obeyed.'?

corythatwas · 17/04/2019 18:40

Niccil, unless he has been living in a cave, he can hardly be unaware that there are other ways of looking at the world.

The OP by the sounds of it has spent a LOT of time and energy trying to point out the error of his ways.

If he doesn't want to accept it- or rather, as she has just told us, if he accepts it and then goes back to his old ways, it's because it suits him.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/04/2019 18:41

Oops, xpost. TBH couples therapy won't do much good when a man is abusive, and your H is abusive. He might not beat you, or pressure for sex when you're not up for it, but his attitude is that you are his servant and must obey, because he has The Penis. It's almost impossible to shift that mindset.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/04/2019 18:42

Best of luck.

Itsnotme123 · 17/04/2019 18:43

He sounds like my ex. Good luck with that one 😒

Magnificentbeast · 17/04/2019 18:45

Yanbu to be livid. Sadly it doesn't seem to be an isolated attitude.

DobbysLeftSock · 17/04/2019 18:46

Or are you saying that evolution is so fussy that it enables men to get out of bed for a herring but not for a human child?

GrinGrinGrin

Stompythedinosaur · 17/04/2019 18:48

He sounds awful. He definitely thinks he is better and more important than you.

I think I would despise anyone who treated me that way.

Insomnibrat · 17/04/2019 18:48

The fact that he turns his commute into a bycicle race to shave time off his 'best' tells me everything I need to know about this jumped up, self important, Lycra clad, sweaty bollocked ratbastard.

7salmonswimming · 17/04/2019 18:48

God, OP. Wish you much luck. I really hope he's open to enlightenment, as I think SGB is right. It is almost impossible to shift that mindset. Trouble is, now you're opening your eyes it's impossible to unsee what you've seen. You're on the path to an ultimatum, and with an ego the size of his...

Squeegle · 17/04/2019 18:49

The effect on you is cumulative and sounds like you’re at the end of your tether. I know men like this who are so unfeasibly selfish that they really can’t see what the problem is. The psychotherapy for you sounds good. How do you think you would cope if you lives separately? Would it be better? If so then it is time to make plans. These plans may be in your head, but they can be put into action if he really won’t change.....

FactsOfLife · 17/04/2019 18:50

Yeah that's shitty!
My dh did his fair share with bottle fed baby, not much he can do with the ebf baby but he does get up and rock her if I need extra support.

Original poster
geneticallyprogrammed · 17/04/2019 18:54

I don’t know if Ive been very privileged or taken advantage of, this is the problem. I feel very low today. The “division of labour” in our house is that he goes to work, often abroad or very long hours, I do pretty much everything else. I do have a cleaner but he expects everything immaculate, all his laundry and dry cleaning done, effort with his dinner, etc. I can’t ask him for help because he would make me feel guilty. But I admitted to the therapist today, I find dealing with him more exhausting than 3 DC. I’m not sure if so have anxiety or depression. I have anaemia and low blood pressure that’s not helping. I don’t know if it physical or stress, but I feel very worn down. He says things to me like “Why do you not just do as I say”. Then the next day denies it. He would never hit me but his presence can be overwhelming and the way he speaks, If that makes sense. Sorry if I’m rambling.

OP posts:
TheGrapefulDread · 17/04/2019 18:56

Stressed with work? he should try facilitating his own demands if he wants to appreciate stress management Biscuit

CalmDownPacino · 17/04/2019 18:57

He's clearly not an ideal husband but, if his work keeps you and your children in a beautiful house with beautiful furniture and you get to swan about all over the place in a beautiful car wearing beautiful clothes, you really need to count your blessings.
Millions of women would swap places with you

Nope. I'll stick with my not-a-sexist-prick husband in our grotty rented house with no money and asda clothes thanks!

Ellie56 · 17/04/2019 19:00

Not sure couples therapy will work with someone genetically programmed to be a misogynistic twat. Hmm

I actually don’t want to go home now. He will apologise and be OTT, but he’ll be back to offloading everything in me within 24 hrs. It doesn’t take much.

So don't let him offload. Take yourself off to bed and let him do everything tonight. Ignore any whinging/whining/sulking from him. Tell the kids Dad will sort out whatever they need sorting.

You can do better than this. You deserve better and so do your children.

Oh and stop taking the selfish knobhead coffee at 7 o'clock. Let him get his own.

Whisky2014 · 17/04/2019 19:01

Sorry but di you think he is "on"all the time at work? No way! There'll be breakfasts t9 go to, laughs to be had. General chit chat. But the slave is at home. I'd leave him. Think you'll be happier for it

ReanimatedSGB · 17/04/2019 19:01

@cherylcheshire with a competent lawyer OP could keep the house and the furniture and be free of having to cater to the man's self-indulgent tantrums.

PuppyMonkey · 17/04/2019 19:03

Ditch the couple's therapy and go straight to a good divorce lawyer OP.Sad

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