“It’s nothing for you to do all night wakings,” says DH. “You’re genetically programmed.”

[geneticallyprogrammed]

We have 3 DC, the youngest of whom is now 8. This morning, DH was in a cranky mood because I had forgotten to close the cats into the lower ground floor rooms, so one came in howling for me at 5.30am. I immediately got up with the cat so DH was minimally disturbed, as I always do in this situation. Anyway, I took him a coffee to wake him up at 7am and he started ranting about how he need to be at “peak performance” this week; “millions are at stake,”etc (this is basically the case every week and is the story of my life). I again apologised for the cat and said that 5.30 is not that bad as a one off. He continued going on and on about “sleep deprivation”. I said to him that not once have I ever expected him to deal with the cats and, for that matter, not once did he ever get up in the night with any of his 3 children over the course of 7 years. His reply was, “Well that’s different, you’re a woman. You’re genetically programmed to deal with children and be awake in the night to adapt to their sleep patterns.”

I’m actually livid following this comment because I think it speaks volumes as to his attitude. AIBU?

You so can do better than this. You can’t live the rest of your life this way...

If you want to to stay with him then I hope therapy works out for you and gives him some kind of self awareness. Personally though, in your situ, i’d be thinking of an exit plan for leaving this relationship. Where you’ll live, how much money you have in your own bank acct, how much family money you have together. Get the financials together becuase he doesn’t sound like the kind of guy who will take being dumped lightly.

Actually reading your latest update I would ditch the idea of couples therapy and ring Women's Aid and ask for advice on extracting yourself from this exhausting and emotionally abusive relationship instead.

You may have to ring a few times before you get through. As I said before, you deserve better than this.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

He doesn’t sound very nice OP.

What do you get out of this relationship?
He would never hit me but his presence can be overwhelming and the way he speaks, If that makes sense. Sorry if I’m rambling.
This speaks volumes. Just because he doesn’t hit you, doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive.

You brought him a coffee at 7am? Why? Are you his personal servant? Sounds like you might have a problem with programming alright: you've been socially programmed to be a man-pleaser and beg for his approval. You can do much better. You deserve respect, not being treated like someone's personal servant, being snapped at for minor oversights.

Your DH sounds like a Big Swinging Dick type of guy who needs a reality check. I hope he gets fired from whatever 'high powered, millions at stake' job he does and realises what an idiot he's been.

Stick his toothbrush up your arsehole

I may be very childish but this made me chuckle.

Dear OP part of this is the fact that you are physically ill. Anaemia is no joke. You will feel tired, slightly panicky and light headed as a result so no wonder you are not coping with your OH and his manbaby ways just now.
Whilst I too would love to see you tell him that he's genetically programmed to deal with the livestock I don't think insisting that you will only get up for the cat the day after he brings home an antelope he has speared, will help.
Nor will itching powder in his wee Lycra shorts.
Can you take yourself off for a long weekend break? Even if you take the DCs it's the mental strain you need to get distance from. If not can you suggest DH stays in the city for a couple of nights if he's that busy this week so he (and more importantly you) gets some peace?
Long term I hope the couples therapy helps give you protected time to say to him what you've said to us. I hope although he sounds pretty insensitive he isn't actually cruel and does care for you. If he doesn't change I guess you have to seriously consider if you can go on like this, and this may be what he needs to hear. I'll bet it's never occurred to him he might lose you.
First thing though is get the anaemia and BP sorted. You need all your energy. And you deserve to be well and happy.💐

Meant to say the itching powder would be bloody funny though. warming!

Warmest even...need a gin, clearly.

Thankyou to all the lovely, kind and funny people on here. He is home now. I made him dinner, but I told him I feel very sad and I don’t know if I can take anymore. He said he’ll go anything not to lose me. I don’t know if he can change, but maybe he’ll respond to the therapy. Mine has been very useful. For so many yesrs, I thought I was the problem - that I didn’t understand him enough; that all his anger or stress was my fault. He always told me that I’m the kind of woman that he’s chosen to be with because I live for the family and have my priorities straight. I feel kind of hollow today. I can’t leave him because I can’t do that to the DC. Thanks again everyone. Your comments have helped a lot.

This is precisely why I will soon have an EXh. Same remarks and behaviour. I refuse to have my young (DS and DD) DC think this is acceptable behaviour or attitude and for them to replicate it in their own adult relationships. You may think you’re staying on for your DC but if he doesn’t change, you’ll be doing far more damage to them. It’s not easy but I hope it works out for you whatever your journey

I volunteer at a foodbank & had a client who was emotionally abused by her ex

The final straw for her leaving was her young son started to copy dads way of talking to her. She realised that she didn't want her children thinking that behaviour was normal.

Everything she went through after that was all worth it to know her kids wouldn't see that as a normal relationship & how to behave as a husband

@geneticallyprogrammed
I read your last post and wanted to send you solidarity. My husband is the same: he is a complete twat. Same kind of thing about how he never did a single night waking; in 4 years he has never woken up once on a weekend to take care of the kids in the morning so I could have a lie in (includes Mother’s Day and birthdays and Xmas) he “needs more sleep” than me etc etc. Also big swinging dick city job. I’m just a SAHM (who used to work in the city once too) before I became a mum. Anyway the advice on a forum like this might always be LTB because in an ideal world that is what one should do. But I (and I read you from your last post) won’t do that to the DC and so we are trapped and unhappy. It’s easy enough for everyone to say why did you put up with 9 years of it but people don’t realise how you think it’ll get better - when the kids start sleeping through/start going to school/stress of his job abates/kids are older and he will enjoy spending time with them/marriages are cyclical etc. That’s why one stays, hoping it’ll get better. I know my marriage won’t get better - I hate his living guts some days when he says shit like your DH did and I paste a smile on my face when he’s at home, I know I deserve better, and the fact I’m afraid of him isn’t good, but I have made my bed and must lie in it.
I hope your counselling goes well and there is promise that he doesn’t want to let you go.

Robinhobb your post is very sad. You only get one go at life and we all deserve to be happy.

Growing up in an emotionally abusive household damages children more than you probably realise. Don't stay with him just for them.

Do you want your sons growing up thinking treating women like shit is ok? Do you want your daughters growing up thinking the way their father treats you is the way all men treat women? and that this is what women have to put up with?This is what will happen as this is what they are seeing on a daily basis.

@RobinHobb you do not have to put up with this shit. You deserve better and your children deserve better. Children are far better off with one happy parent than two who are miserable, and where one is being abused on a regular basis.

Ring Women's Aid. They will help you escape from this.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

Please don’t stay together for the sake of the children.

They might like or prefer the short term stability but the long term messed up ness isn’t worth it. Including their therapy costs when the girls try to replicate their parents’ marriage as “normal”.

He's clearly not an ideal husband but, if his work keeps you and your children in a beautiful house with beautiful furniture and you get to swan about all over the place in a beautiful car wearing beautiful clothes, you really need to count your blessings.
Millions of women would swap places with you.

Not me. My DH is a nice bloke, he's kind and does his share and doesn't rant at me. We get along and I don't have to walk on eggshells. He looks after me same as I look after him. We earn enough and we make each other happy. So I wouldn't swap with the OP even if her bloke is a gazillionaire. Money can't make up for nasty.

I’ve booked us into couples therapy today.

Nice try but you can't fix selfish, self-obsessed and enraged. He uses you as a verbal punchbag. Couples counselling isn't going to fix that.

I hope your psychotherapist is helping you work on why you picked your DH and why you stay with him in spite of the eggshells. Because that's not a normal relationship. You want someone to fix him but it can't be done. You have a suitable personality type for therapy (self aware, empathic, emotionally articulate). He doesn't.

He says things to me like “Why do you not just do as I say”. Then the next day denies it. He would never hit me but his presence can be overwhelming and the way he speaks, If that makes sense. Sorry if I’m rambling.

Oh yes, it makes sense. Sorry geneticallyprogrammed but couples counselling doesn't work for bullies. He sounds more like a case for Women's Aid than couples counselling.

Someone asked upthread what you get out of the relationship that you wouldn't get if you split up. You get stress and anxiety and low self-esteem. You would get a lot less of those without him.

He always told me that I’m the kind of woman that he’s chosen to be with because I live for the family and have my priorities straight.

And your priorities have been, to look after him and keep him happy and give him a nice home and a nice family, while he gets on with doing as he pleases and venting his temper at you. I can see why he doesn't want to lose you! He needs you a lot more than you need him. Though once you have dumped him he will probably find someone else to fill the gap because people aren't people to him, they're utilities. He can rant at any women who will let him offload on her, he will take any woman willing to keep his show on the road. Let someone else do it now, you've done it for long enough.

I can’t leave him because I can’t do that to the DC.

Trouble is, the way things are, staying with him is not doing the DC any good either. Your children are learning from the two of you how men interact with women, so his behaviour to you will damage their relationships in future. And seeing and hearing him rant at you directly affects them right now, it will be raising their anxiety and stress levels too. If you are on eggshells around him then so are they. And as for what will happen when he decides they are old enough to be targets for his ranting rage....

Look after yourself and good luck

He's clearly not an ideal husband but, if his work keeps you and your children in a beautiful house with beautiful furniture and you get to swan about all over the place in a beautiful car wearing beautiful clothes, you really need to count your blessings. Millions of women would swap places with you.

@CherylCheshire - would they fuck. It's called a gilded cage and I cannot think of anything worse than the life you describe.

@OP, you said "he’s chosen to be with because I live for the family and have my priorities straight". What he means (as far as I see it from what you've written) is that you put him first, does as he says and allow him to opt out of things he doesn't want to do because of his self-defined importance. You deserve better than that. Whether things change is up to him, but if he decides not to change - or tries to change on the surface while ensuring a slippery slope back to how he likes things - that's not your fault. As I say, you deserve better.

On a general point, I am regularly staggered by just how many men behave like this. I know that we probably never hear about the decent sorts who wouldn't behave like this in a million years for fear of a rightfully earned kick in the bollocks but why on earth are there so many shittily-behaved, selfish, entitled men who opt out of the family life they've had just as much a part in creating? They're adamant that they want kids and a family, then try to dump it all on their bewildered partner who thought she'd signed up for some semblance of equality while the husband fucks off back to the 1950s.

In his mind he is the star of The show, you are just there to sweep the stage, he chose you because you seemed a docile biddable woman who would be happy to obey him unquestioningly
that's what he means when he says he likes your 'priorities'

Make a plan and keep working on it

If millions are at stake I would suggest he gets up earlier than 7!

No one can properly flourish and fulfil their potential in a gilded cage

He would never hit me but his presence can be overwhelming and the way he speaks, If that makes sense.

Bullying and intimidation doesn't have to be physical, trust me. He doesn't have to hit you to hurt you, and that sounds like exactly what he's doing. And mental harm is just as damaging - if not more so - than physical violence.

I can’t leave him because I can’t do that to the DC.

Oh, but you CAN. My mother stayed with my utter arse of a father until she bloody died. It didn't do her any good (she was stressed and unhappy for decades) and it didn't do me any good either. That sort of environment is horrible for children - the walking on eggshells is dreadful for them too, and so is seeing their father being unkind, thoughtless and possibly aggressive towards their mother.

A man can have a heavy-duty, demanding, high earning job without being an utter wanker. I hope couple's therapy gets somewhere for you both, but if not, you CAN bail out. It will be better for you, and for your DC.