“It’s nothing for you to do all night wakings,” says DH. “You’re genetically programmed.”

[geneticallyprogrammed]

We have 3 DC, the youngest of whom is now 8. This morning, DH was in a cranky mood because I had forgotten to close the cats into the lower ground floor rooms, so one came in howling for me at 5.30am. I immediately got up with the cat so DH was minimally disturbed, as I always do in this situation. Anyway, I took him a coffee to wake him up at 7am and he started ranting about how he need to be at “peak performance” this week; “millions are at stake,”etc (this is basically the case every week and is the story of my life). I again apologised for the cat and said that 5.30 is not that bad as a one off. He continued going on and on about “sleep deprivation”. I said to him that not once have I ever expected him to deal with the cats and, for that matter, not once did he ever get up in the night with any of his 3 children over the course of 7 years. His reply was, “Well that’s different, you’re a woman. You’re genetically programmed to deal with children and be awake in the night to adapt to their sleep patterns.”

I’m actually livid following this comment because I think it speaks volumes as to his attitude. AIBU?

Kick him in balls and say he's surely genetically programmed to protect his balls. Ffs. Sorry but he sounds shit

Is he genetically programmed to be a cunt or is it a choice he makes?

Do you have access to money?

I know of a good firm of family lawyers.

I’m so pleased you’re getting psychotherapy. I too would be concerned about couples counseling - it can be difficult with a bully. If you do go ahead with it I’d make sure you’re also having one-to-one therapy for yourself at the same time.

Robin, I’m so sorry to hear your situation. I relate to what you say in that you tend to focus in the good parts, such as the kids and the “next thing” and you just forget you have a sense of self. The truth is, I think he does need me more than I need him. I do actually worry about his sanity sometimes. I admitted today I am a bit scared of him and I don’t know how it got to that point because he wouldn’t ever get physical and he diecnt actually shout or swear. It’s more his vibe. My therapist said I struggle with guilt because of an abusive childhood and this is why I’m susceptible. Honestly, up until I started therapy, I think I was in a fog. Have you thought about therapy?

Amary and Bright - I know you’re right but I don’t think I’m ready to leave him just yet, or if I ever would be. He has kind of apologised for this morning and other recent blow-ups. He’s said he will take some financial action that will mean he’s less stressed. I don’t know, I’ve heard it before, but I guess it is what it is. He does expect me to just absorb his stress and facilitate everything for him and he says if I don’t want to do this naturally then I don’t love him enough. He’s very demanding and needy, I’ve come to realise. He thinks everyone is like him and they’re just not.

Hear - I do feel a little like I’m in a sort of cage sometimes. I guess everyone is to some extent. But I’ve never been able to leave him with the kids really because I feel too guilty, for whatever reason. And I always have to work around being home for him when he’s home, this kind of thing, or I feel as if he holds it against me.

Thankyou again everyone. I’ve had to come in the loo to do this.

Yes I do have access to money and he’s not at all difficult in that way. He has a lot invested in hundreds of things, but I have full access to the current account and I don’t think he hides money. He is very complicated and the way he has money and his businesses organised reflects that. He over-complicates everything, in my view and nothing is ever straightforward.

So he uses this 'if you don't do what I want it means you don't love me' argument
Has not occurred to him that this cuts both ways you could equally say if you really love me you wouldn't expect me to instinctively obey you like a dog

You are in a cage, it's a mental cage, he has your trained to do his bidding like a pet

this overcomplicating things is all smoke and mirrors designed to confuse you and give the impression that he is way way above you and you couldn't possibly understand him he's so complex and so important

Well that’s a positive genetic

He's clearly not an ideal husband but, if his work keeps you and your children in a beautiful house with beautiful furniture and you get to swan about all over the place in a beautiful car wearing beautiful clothes, you really need to count your blessings.
Millions of women would swap places with you

Nope. I handle multi million pound budgets in a stressful job while DH swans around in a nice car paid for by me. Whilst sorting the kids and the house. I have had plenty of chances to swap. No. Way. He did the night waking for all 3 kids too. (Im a bloody zombie on sleep deprivation he’s a night owl.)

Yes I think a lot of is is all smoke and mirrors. The therapist told me to just look him in the eye when he’s off in one (which is every day) and just say, “This does not make sense.”

I’m realising he over- complicates as a tactic so that I can’t challenge him and I feel perpetually hopeless and out of my depth.

He doesn’t want me to work, although he won’t admit it. He changes the subject or is “too busy” to listen. To be honest, most of the time I feel too overwhelmed to pursue it. He once said, “if you want a job, feed people’s cats or drive one of those fro yo vans with the other mums.” I have a degree and an MSc.

He is an utter effing prick. End of.

Can’t do what exactly to your dc? They’re growing up with a misogynist who thinks he is more important than everyone else in the household.

He’ll do anything not to lose you. Anything except treating you like an equal partner in your marriage? Anything except pulling his weight in the house?

Why are you walking on eggshells OP? Do you think it’s possible that your children are walking on eggshells too? Or do you not think they can see you living in a state of anxiety because he treats you like an underperforming servant?

And what do we mean when we talk about ‘walking on eggshells’? I think it is a convenient euphemism for ‘living in fear’. Unfortunately you’re right, once you see that he is treating you badly, you can’t unsee it.

I don’t want to challenge you OP, it is very unsettling when you finally see what is happening to you. It feels too awful and it’s easy to try to unsee it and stay in denial. Be strong. Lots of women have been through this.

Quite often it is the one comment that brings everything to a head. If he really wants to do anything to keep you then making time to have a conversion about work would be a start! I suspect the real reason he wants you at home is that he will have to pull his weight. A men should would you to feel fulfilled as you can, not to mention for your own financial independence. The fact he’s not willing even to listen to you says a lot.

What would happen if he came home to cushions not all straighter? Dishes on side and toys on floor? Dinner was something really simple? Would he have words about that being unacceptable or would he be worried you were feeling to ill or overwhelmed to do more?

Just reading through all your posts geneticallyprogrammed and feeling really sad. I want to add my voice to all the lovely women here supporting you.

I'm so glad you're in therapy and I think it's vital that you continue with that. It's a process that takes time but already you're emerging from the fog and you will get stronger.

I just want to say that the guilt you're feeling about the idea of leaving him is truly misplaced. You don't have to stay for your DC's sake; in fact growing up with a selfish tyrant for a dad who treats you as a second-class human being is something that will cause them a great deal of pain, confusion, anger and damage.

I understand you're concerned for him and his stability etc too, but I actually think this is part of his 'act' to keep you where he wants you. It all sounds very manipulative; I bet he can control himself just fine at work can't he?

The comment about you 'having your priorities right' and living for your family just means he approves of you martyring yourself while he ponces around on his bike being terribly important. He really is not a nice man and you sound lovely (which he is massively taking advantage of). I so hope you can find your feet and start working to free yourself from this because I think you're going to be unhappy and worn down for a lot of years if you don't.

How about going on strike? No more cups of coffee in the mornings, leftovers for dinner, forget his dry cleaning.

It sounds like your life is totally lost in his life and you're just in the supporting role. Could you take steps to start doing something just for you likr more studying, take up an interest? Anything to distract you from getting too caught up in his life.

genetically and robin your posts have made me so sad for you and your children. My DH is being a complete fucking PITA at the mo, and I could easily bury him under the patio - but he has stage 3 cancer and things are tricky. No reasonable man would ever, ever expect the things they expect from you both, a loving relationship is about supporting each other through thick and thin.

He doesn’t want me to work
of course he doesnt, anything which empowers you cuts right across what he wants, so he sneeringly suggests that if you want to work you should do something lowly and inconsequential, implying that's all you're good for
it's time for the worm to turn!
He has narcissistic traits surely?
I would suggest reading watching some of the narcissistic material to get some insights into his machinations
eg:
www.youtube.com/channel/UCge1h5fEmC4sU1fN6TgevIA

(there are many others)

I can't believe women put up with this shit. I don't think i'd manage a day.
OP he's a tosser of the highest order, you and your children deserve better.
You can't stay with this pig ignorant misogynist, besides yourself think of what it tells your children.

One of those entitled twats. How did you end up with him?

I think what you say about guilt is very interesting and I bet it would be worth going into with your therapist, where that guilt stems from and how much you feel you have to be guided by it. Because it sounds like toxic guilt to me. When you're a little kid in nursery, say one day your colleague hasn't eaten his cake yet and you've eaten yours already so you give him one on the nose and steal the cake... but it doesn't taste good to you, because you feel guilty. And that's fine, that's guilt working to make us treat others as we'd like to be treated. But life is long and people pick up all sorts of responses and sometimes we feel guilt about things we don't need to feel guilty about. I would even say, in your situation, your husband is unpleasant and bordering on abusive and if there were anything to feel guilty about it would be staying in an abusive relationship and letting that be the example that your kids learn. But the point is, guilt is as guilt does - you're an adult, you don't need to act in such a way as to minimise your feelings of guilt, you can logically look at your life and decide for yourself what the right thing is, independent of the guilt feelings that are probably a leftover from some childhood situation that has nothing to say about the situation that you're in now.

OP you are allowed to have a happy,peaceful life where your wants and needs are met! You do not have to stay an emotional zombie punching bag to a tyrant! You think staying with him is the best for the children when it is the furthest from the truth-removing them from this corpse of a relationship would be a rebirth for you and them!

I can’t leave him because I can’t do that to the DC.

But they are living with a man who makes you feel afraid and who expects you to absorb all his moods and frustrations. Someone who insults your intelligence with his job suggestions. A man who speaks to you about night feedings as if you were a member of a different species.

This is as far from an ideal environment for children as it gets. They will see it all. They will absorb it all. It will be all they know of life.

Just remember when you catch yourself thinking you can't leave 'because...' that the ultimate aim of all abuse is to make the victim think she has no choice but to stay. You may believe you are making a conscious choice. You may believe it is for the best. But none of that is true.
The reason to rule it out is always because an abuser has backed you into a corner.

The aim of all narcissists is to make the victim think she has no choice but to remain in place so she can be dumped on repeatedly while he makes promises, goes to therapy only to learn the language and use it against you, and creates even more emotional and psychological chaos than the turmoil that brought you to therapy in the first place.

A large part of the battle is re-imagining your life and lifestyle.

Nobody plans to be a divorcee, or a single parent, or struggling for money, or maybe having to work for a living (if they've been a SAHP).

Reframing your life and the choices you have - 'saddled' with children and an ex-husband - can be daunting and difficult and unpleasant.

But you have to look beyond the period of change to what life might be like after that.

He sounds dreadful. Keep going to therapy without him - sounds like you need it more...

Guess what, I work on deals worth billions and I do all night wake ups. Tell him that - his head might explode. That would be SUCH a shame ....

Why is it that all of these wankers are always cyclists?