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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him see the kids

313 replies

Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 12:56

Last week DP took DD’s to a trampoline park where DD (7) lost her mobile phone. We got her another over the weekend but she couldn’t remember her iCloud login details so DP logged into his account on her phone so she was able to put some Apps and stuff back on to it.

Last night DD (7) came in from her friends, handed me her phone and said there was an album titled “hidden” and it didn’t have very nice things in it. So I obviously took the phone and checked and to my absolute horror and disgust there were numerous porn pictures and some pretty graphic porn videos.

I quickly deleted everything from the album and said to her I would tell him to sign out of his account on her phone and we would make her a new account.

Because he had signed into his iCloud on her phone, all his pics and videos also went on to her phone.

I have honestly never felt so ill in my life, the fact he even had this stuff in his phone is bad enough but for my 7 year old to have been exposed to this is making me feel sick to my stomach, to say the least.

I didn’t want to cause a scene last night in front of the kids but I did ask him to sleep on the sofa as I couldn’t bare him being near me. This morning when the kids went to school I told him I wanted him to leave. At first he refused to go and said it wasn’t his fault those pictures ended up there!!

The house is mine, everything is in my name so I told him if he didn’t go I would call the police to remove him. Eventually he went.

I have a 12 day old baby and he has just text me asking if he can take the baby to see his aunt later. I really don’t want him near us but I don’t know if stopping him seeing the kids is the right thing to do either. Would I be unreasonable to tell him he can’t take the baby to see his aunt?

OP posts:
bibliomania · 17/04/2019 13:01

Yes, it would be unreasonable.

He made a stupid mistake, but you don't get to deprive him of his dcs for it. If your baby is so small, do you think perhaps you might be a bit hormonal and not thinking rationally? I completely understand why you'd blow up at him, but this is a complete over-reaction (caveat - unless it's child porn, but I'm presuming you would have mentioned that).

Shoxfordian · 17/04/2019 13:01

It sounds like it didn't occur to him that all of his images would be transferred via iCloud, he should have known but I can see how that happened. Do you object generally to him watching porn? It's unfortunate but it wasn't intentional

I don't see any reason to stop him seeing the children

momomia · 17/04/2019 13:02

It's just porn, loads of people watch it!

AfterLaughter · 17/04/2019 13:03

It’s pretty basic knowledge for Apple users that all their files are downloaded like this. So I would be fucking furious and I wouldn’t want him near me, let alone taking my 12 day old baby Hmm

Stressedout10 · 17/04/2019 13:03

Yes unless there's some back story yabvu and over reacting massively

AfterLaughter · 17/04/2019 13:03

It’s not “just porn” when a 7 year old has bloody seen it Confused

recall · 17/04/2019 13:04

YABU ...he made a mistake, obviously didn’t intend for her to see the pics.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 17/04/2019 13:05

No 7 year old needs a mobile phone anyway.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 17/04/2019 13:05

It's pornography and it sounds like a genuine mistake rather than malicious intention. I would have done similar without thinking it would all be sent. We all make mistakes

Bambamber · 17/04/2019 13:06

I can understand why you're angry, I think most people would be. But it seems like it was a huge oversight on his behalf rather than deliberate. Unless the images/videos included minors or he has a habit of exposing your children to porn, I think YABU to stop him seeing his children

NoBaggyPants · 17/04/2019 13:07

He made a mistake. We've all made mistakes at some point.

It's up to you if you tell him to leave, but you're completely unreasonable to stop him seeing his children.

Original poster
Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 13:07

No I don’t object to him watching porn. I just can’t believe he had this stuff in his phone - DD knows his password for his own phone and goes in and looks at his pictures all the time. There were also a lot of pictures of him, pictures of himself posing in the mirror wearing only boxer shorts. I just can’t stomach the fact he would let DD be exposed to this, I’m totally disgusted at him

OP posts:
Paperplain · 17/04/2019 13:08

Since when is it ok for a 7 yo to take a phone out and why would they need it) where were you when all this password stuff was going on and why don't you know their passwords?? Try parenting before blaming others. Check phones before they leave the house. Take responsibility for your seven year old child.

Felford · 17/04/2019 13:09

Are the kids not his? You refer to 'my dd' and 'my 12 day old baby'.

Obviously not ideal but it sounds like a genuine mistake. YABVVVU to stop him seeing the kids, assuming they are also his kids!

RedSkyLastNight · 17/04/2019 13:09

Why does your 7 year old have a mobile phone? You do realise that by just giving her a phone she already has access to lots of things you probably don't want her to see?

Assuming you have no issues with your DP looking at porn, then this sounds like a istake and hardly a "refusing to let him see the kids " moment

Meandmetoo · 17/04/2019 13:09

I didn't know this!

I think the issue here is whether or not porn is your line in the sand and if that's a deal breaker. him watching porn doesn't mean he's a risk in any way to the kids so you would be very unreasonable to stop him seeing his children. There is an issue with him being careless about not realising or checking what she could see afterwards but it wasn't intentional by the sound of it and as I say, I had no idea that it did this either!

IncrediblySadToo · 17/04/2019 13:10

Two totally separate issues

He made a mistake while helping DD to load her new phone (but WTAF does a 7yo even have a mobile phone?!). It’s RIDICULOUS to think you can stop him seeing his children over a mistake like that.

Porn. That’s up to you in your relationship, but ‘adult has prom on their phone’ isn’t exactly surprising nor alarming. It’s porn. You might not approve, you might choose to end your relationship. Up to you, but this has NOTHING to do with him seeing his children.

NoBaggyPants · 17/04/2019 13:10

Have you never made a mistake OP?

The consequences are upsetting, but there is no malicious intent. Sounds like your partner needs to be a bit more tech savvy.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/04/2019 13:11

Separate it out. Porn might be a deal breaker for you, it won't be for others. He needs to be far more careful, nad hnest with himself, before he shares his iThingy again!

12 day old babies don't tend to go anywhere without their mum's being attached, do they? You can't keep him from seeing his kids, but you could refuse to let him take the 12 day old baby out of the house without you, I think!

Wanderingmind19 · 17/04/2019 13:12

Was there some other reason you asked him to leave . Is the relationship over? As absolutely furious I would be that my dh has been so stupid and lacking common sense to not realise it was on the iCloud i dont think i would kick him out over porn. Id be furious he was stupid enough not to hide it from the child but unless it was really vile stuff or child porn ... i just dont know so tricky. I wouldnt be able to leave a 2 week old baby so id say your in your right there but just as a new mother i wouldnt deny contact with the older ones or seeing this one with you present again unless it was child porn or something really really bad

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 17/04/2019 13:13

Why has a 7year old got her own mobile phone ?

But yes, he hasnt done anything illegal, or that requires safeguarding, so yes YBVVVVU t o stop him seeing the children, assuming they are his

IncrediblySadToo · 17/04/2019 13:13

Prom 🙄 bloody phone. Porn obviously.

BunchOfBalloons · 17/04/2019 13:19

I think its more inappropriate for your 7 year old to have a phone tbh. With the previous phone that got lost you had zero control over her icloud settings. You should have set the password and kept that written down somewhere safe and not be known to your DD. If she has the password then surely she could access inappropriate apps/bypass security measures herself?

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 17/04/2019 13:23

At 7 being safe on a climbing frame should have been the only thing on her mind. Not keeping a phone safe ffs!

ems137 · 17/04/2019 13:26

Why did he have pictures of himself posing in his pants? Had he sent them to you?