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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him see the kids

313 replies

Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 12:56

Last week DP took DD’s to a trampoline park where DD (7) lost her mobile phone. We got her another over the weekend but she couldn’t remember her iCloud login details so DP logged into his account on her phone so she was able to put some Apps and stuff back on to it.

Last night DD (7) came in from her friends, handed me her phone and said there was an album titled “hidden” and it didn’t have very nice things in it. So I obviously took the phone and checked and to my absolute horror and disgust there were numerous porn pictures and some pretty graphic porn videos.

I quickly deleted everything from the album and said to her I would tell him to sign out of his account on her phone and we would make her a new account.

Because he had signed into his iCloud on her phone, all his pics and videos also went on to her phone.

I have honestly never felt so ill in my life, the fact he even had this stuff in his phone is bad enough but for my 7 year old to have been exposed to this is making me feel sick to my stomach, to say the least.

I didn’t want to cause a scene last night in front of the kids but I did ask him to sleep on the sofa as I couldn’t bare him being near me. This morning when the kids went to school I told him I wanted him to leave. At first he refused to go and said it wasn’t his fault those pictures ended up there!!

The house is mine, everything is in my name so I told him if he didn’t go I would call the police to remove him. Eventually he went.

I have a 12 day old baby and he has just text me asking if he can take the baby to see his aunt later. I really don’t want him near us but I don’t know if stopping him seeing the kids is the right thing to do either. Would I be unreasonable to tell him he can’t take the baby to see his aunt?

OP posts:
BasilBrushes · 17/04/2019 14:17

My 7 year old isn’t getting a phone, couldn’t care less what his best friend has.

Seriously, since when does a child need a mobile? And you got her another straight after she lost it? You realise you can say no, right? Hmm

Original poster
Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 14:17

She has a smartphone to FaceTime and text her friend, watch YouTube and play games. The phone doesn’t have a SIM card nor is it ever topped up. She can only use it when it’s connected to WiFi - why is this any different from a tablet or iPad? Because I can guarantee most of you who are so
you shocked at a 7 yo having a phone, would also allow a 7 yo to have an iPad or tablet?

OP posts:
ScreamScreamIceCream · 17/04/2019 14:18

OP don't go down that path of not letting him see your joint kids as that is a small issue in this mess.

And I don't think he is as tech savvy as he makes out as otherwise he would have quite quickly realised your 7 year old could see the pictures and done something about it.

My biggest concern is your 7 year old having a phone with connection to the internet that she can use unsupervised by an adult with older children. If you don't want your child at risk of being bullied and/or groomed then don't let her use her phone unless a responsible adult is in the room.

BasilBrushes · 17/04/2019 14:19

Yeah but when my children have the iPad it’s for a short amount of time and I know what there looking at.

What the fuck does a 7 year old need to text about?

Snappedandfarted2019 · 17/04/2019 14:20

She has access to the internet where if you put the wrong word is can bring up all sorts. There’s been that mono character going around on YouTube telling kids to scare themselves. Most iPads comes up with safety settings.

Original poster
Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 14:21

You can still text and FaceTime on an iPad 🙄

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 17/04/2019 14:21

You don't have the right to deprive him of seeing the DC if they're his. I get that you're angry at him and yes, he's been stupid, but is this the beginning of the end of the relationship?

GunpowderGelatine · 17/04/2019 14:22

OP, isn't the fact that this happened a perfect example of why it's not appropriate for a 7yo to have an iPhone (that and the fact she lost it so easily)? He has a right to have legal and content on his phone, and for it to be private, he's an adult and I'm quite shocked that you let him share his iCloud profile with her without checking first what was on it. And that you allow her to look as she pleases in other people's phones. I don't watch porn but have screenshots of things with swear words, memes etc I send to friends that I wouldn't want my DD (almost same age as yours) to see. She isn't allowed to scroll through my phone as I am trying to teach her about respecting privacy and property.

The porn isn't the problem here, it's the parenting.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 17/04/2019 14:22

YABVU and it would be unacceptable and cruel to stop him seeing his kids. If you were to ever go to court about it you wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

He made a mistake, but he did nothing wrong in having them on his phone, and your kids shouldn’t have easy access to their parents phones to just pick up willy nilly anyway.

Gilbert1A · 17/04/2019 14:22

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HBStowe · 17/04/2019 14:24

why is this any different from a tablet or iPad?

FFS, why would a 7 year old need these either?! If they want to FaceTime they don’t need their own phone or iPad to do so.

Are you really kicking your DH out, ending your marriage and stopping him from seeing his kids over a mistake OP? Is this what you want?

lisamac28 · 17/04/2019 14:25

Since when is it ok for a 7 yo to take a phone out and why would they need it) where were you when all this password stuff was going on and why don't you know their passwords??

People creating their own problems and then can't cope when it backfires. Why in gods name does a 7 yo need an I phone? And the DC should not know passwords for her parents phone.

myrtleWilson · 17/04/2019 14:25

Am not sure either of you are coming across as particularly tech savvy with regard to parenting a 7 year old (sorry nearly 8 year old).

She only uses the phone with wifi so presumably she took the phone to the trampoline park & used their wifi? What have you taught her about secure/insecure connections - particularly public connections?

Neither you nor DP know the 7 year olds log in details - why on earth not?

NoCauseRebel · 17/04/2019 14:25

But the OP doesn’t care what her seven year old sees on her phone because she’s given her a phone with access to everything and without being able to access it for herself. So her very own phone, with her very own iCloud account, at the age of seven. And next someone will say on here that the child is entitled to privacy....

It wouldn’t have occurred to me about all pictures and so on downloading from iCloud because I recover iCloud so irregularly that these things have probably changed even since I last did. I have nothing worth looking at on my phone as it goes, but in the DP’s case, it wasn’t as if he’d given the child unsupervised access to his phone, he allowed her to sign in using his iCloud account so she could reinstall her apps etc. To that end, why didn’t you just help her do a password reset?

You are to blame for this oP. Because you have been so lax with your child’s safety that she has been allowed to access files she otherwise wouldn’t have been able to. Now, what would you have done if she’d come in and said that she’d found said video’s on the internet instead? You wouldn’t have someone to blame. At least this being your partner means that this has been a wake up call to the stupidity and lax parenting of the both of you and you can stamp on it now and lock down her parental settings and have access to her passwords. If she’d accessed porn at school for instance and was passing it round her friends to watch you could quite rightly have been at the centre of a safeguarding enquiry.

So let this serve as a lesson to you both.

As for the porn, if you don’t object to him having it then it is only about the mistake he made, and you need to discuss that, and how you’re going to limit the access your DD has to stuff anyway so there’s no way it could happen again.

GirlcalledJack · 17/04/2019 14:29

I use apple, have done for years and I would end up doing the same thing as your husband, I wouldn’t have even thought about it.

It was a mistake and I hope to God if your DD ever walks in on you having sex, naked or if you ever mistakenly subject her to sex on the TV etc you pack her off to care because you can’t have one standard for one parent and not the other!

It’s not ideal, it was a stupid mistake but you sound so throughly dramatic that I dread to think how the teenage years are going to go for you.

As for leaving your Husband, you couldn’t have liked him much to begin with.
I would be furious with mine (he would be furious with himself) but I wouldn’t split up my family or take away the DC’s DF because of it.

RightOnTheEdge · 17/04/2019 14:29

If she was round at a neighbour's playing with another girl did she also see the pictures?

I'd be very worried about a visit from an angry neighbour or them reporting this to someone.

RedSkyLastNight · 17/04/2019 14:29

My DC had tablets at 7, but they were used for limited times under supervision and they couldn't access the internet, except when specifically allowed to do so by an adult, again under close supervision.
If you were using the phone in the same way, I would say this was also fine. But you aren't. You don't even know her password, she is allowed to take the phone out of the house unsupervised and she can connect to the internet via wifi. Your home network might have great parental controls, but does the trampoline park? Does your neighbour? Is the 9 year old friend allowed to view more than your DD? You've specifically allowed access to YouTube which is notoriously unreliable in terms of not always being quick to tag restricted content so you have no idea what she might inadvertently see.
And if you don't want her to use the phone as a phone, why not stick to more age appropriate tech?

lisamac28 · 17/04/2019 14:29

She’s almost 8. She asked for a phone for Xmas as her best friend in school has one and they wanted to FaceTime and text each other

So did my DD, also 7. Her best friend has an I phone, she was told no, she'll get one when she's 12. For now she has a tablet for playing games, watching you tube etc. 7 year olds don't need to text each other.

iwillkeepthishouseclean · 17/04/2019 14:30

Seriously how many children have iPad at
Seven ... honestly she's not asking for her parenting to be questioned she was asking for support for her issue with her husband
Why are people so judgmental on here!!! With their perfect parenting skills !
There are lots of apps or parental controls where you can monitor this kind of thing ..

I would question why he's taking pictures in his boxer shorts ! Why do that if there not to send to anyone !!

If he livid about the porn too ... why save it and why have it on there in the first place... he has you ...

Moneys2Tight2Mention · 17/04/2019 14:31

I have seen some overreaction's in my time but this really takes the Biscuit Hmm

What bizarre behaviour, maybe you and your husband should pull together rather than against each other and work and fix this mess.

CardsforKittens · 17/04/2019 14:32

he would be furious with himself

There’s the main point. OP’s DH isn’t furious with himself. He said it wasn’t his fault.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/04/2019 14:33

Why does a 7 year old need a mobile phone. She only 7, and has demonstrated that she cannot look after it.

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 14:33

honestly she's not asking for her parenting to be questioned she was asking for support for her issue with her husband
Why are people so judgmental on here!!! With their perfect parenting skills

But surely giving a 7 year old her own mobile phone does question someone’s parenting skills??

Aeroflotgirl · 17/04/2019 14:34

Yes the porn is something you need to address with your dh.

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 14:34

OP did your neighbours child see the porn as well?