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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let him see the kids

313 replies

Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 12:56

Last week DP took DD’s to a trampoline park where DD (7) lost her mobile phone. We got her another over the weekend but she couldn’t remember her iCloud login details so DP logged into his account on her phone so she was able to put some Apps and stuff back on to it.

Last night DD (7) came in from her friends, handed me her phone and said there was an album titled “hidden” and it didn’t have very nice things in it. So I obviously took the phone and checked and to my absolute horror and disgust there were numerous porn pictures and some pretty graphic porn videos.

I quickly deleted everything from the album and said to her I would tell him to sign out of his account on her phone and we would make her a new account.

Because he had signed into his iCloud on her phone, all his pics and videos also went on to her phone.

I have honestly never felt so ill in my life, the fact he even had this stuff in his phone is bad enough but for my 7 year old to have been exposed to this is making me feel sick to my stomach, to say the least.

I didn’t want to cause a scene last night in front of the kids but I did ask him to sleep on the sofa as I couldn’t bare him being near me. This morning when the kids went to school I told him I wanted him to leave. At first he refused to go and said it wasn’t his fault those pictures ended up there!!

The house is mine, everything is in my name so I told him if he didn’t go I would call the police to remove him. Eventually he went.

I have a 12 day old baby and he has just text me asking if he can take the baby to see his aunt later. I really don’t want him near us but I don’t know if stopping him seeing the kids is the right thing to do either. Would I be unreasonable to tell him he can’t take the baby to see his aunt?

OP posts:
Herland · 17/04/2019 14:35

Allowing children to see porn is a child protection issue.

Why are there pics of him on there - who is he sending them to?

A 12 day old baby should not be separated from its primary care giver. At least not for any length of time it would take to do out of the home visits.

onionknightforking · 17/04/2019 14:36

despite the fact a 7 year old shouldn't have a smart phone Hmm It may have been an accident, but to the people saying he's done nothing illegal - what he's done could actually be considered sexual abuse by exposure, it doesn't matter if it was stupid mistake on his behalf, if your DD tells a teacher or another adult they would have duty to report it

Aeroflotgirl · 17/04/2019 14:37

Oh right, just seen you have asked him to leave, I don't know whether he should see the kids, take a few days to think about it.

Mintandthyme · 17/04/2019 14:38

There are lots of apps or parental controls where you can monitor this kind of thing ..

Exactly. So why were the Op and her do not using them? Why did their young dd have her own iCloud? Bet neither of them have ever checked the phone.
I would be very surprised if the dd’s friend did not seen the porn also.

Chickychoccyegg · 17/04/2019 14:39

my dd who is 9 has an old iphone of mine, with no sim card, it is the same as letting her use the ipad, she has to ask if she downloads a game, and it does have parental blocks on it, just the same as an ipad, she's usually in the same room as me when on it right enough, but i dont think its the big deal others are making it out to be.
I'd also be annoyed at the porn, but the chances are you're hormonal and tired having given birth just 12 days ago, when you've calmed down speak to dp, im sure you can work past this.

Hithere12 · 17/04/2019 14:40

I just can’t stomach the fact he would let DD be exposed to this

OP she’ll be exposed to a lot more than this from just having a phone and being on the internet. Even on Twitter I always see people retweeting porn etc so if you’re that concerned take away the phone

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 14:42

There are lots of apps or parental controls where you can monitor this kind of thing

Apps and parental controls won't block access to their own photo folders.

Even a phone/tablet with really good controls on it can access the photos taken by that device, or on the cloud it's linked with. So even if the OP had taken steps to protect the device her husband's cock up means the kid would still have seen the photos.

Xmasbaby11 · 17/04/2019 14:42

Honestly you're both to blame for being so lax and giving your dd too much freedom. I have a 7yo dd and she uses my tablet a couple of times a week for games or cbeebies on iplayer. No texting or whatever - not needed at that age. But I think now you have given her a phone, you both need to monitor it closely. I would be angry with your dh but tbh I'm not a fan of porn anyway - if you accept his porn then it's a matter of discussing taking precautions and making sure it doesn't happen again.

lisamac28 · 17/04/2019 14:42

my dd who is 9 has an old iphone of mine, with no sim card, it is the same as letting her use the ipad, she has to ask if she downloads a game, and it does have parental blocks on it, just the same as an ipad, she's usually in the same room as me when on it right enough, but i dont think its the big deal others are making it out to be

So completely different circumstances then...

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 14:42

“My partner accidentally downloaded the graphic porn on his phone onto our 7 year old’s phone and she saw it. I am incredibly upset that he let this happen”

“You are such a crap parent-she shouldn’t have a phone”

Only on Mumsnet.....

Ringdonna · 17/04/2019 14:44

Fuck me, what an over reaction!

Whodafeck · 17/04/2019 14:46

7 year old shouldn’t have had access to phone or iPad without adequate parental controls in place.

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 14:47

7 year old shouldn’t have had access to phone or iPad without adequate parental controls in place.

Parental controls wouldn't stop access to videos and photos saved to the phone.

AfterLaughter · 17/04/2019 14:47

@LagunaBubbles because the baby is 12 DAYS OLD and shouldn’t be away from the mother for hours at a time. I wouldn’t allow it regardless of this fuck up with the phone tbh.

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2019 14:49

I can understand where the OP might be coming from. The idea that a 7 year old might have access to porn is very triggering for some people. It would be for me, as I suffered SA as a child.

The OP says her DP is very tech savvy and she is therefore finding it hard to believe this happened by accident. But obviously we can’t help with that question because we’re not there.

This isn’t about her views on porn, I don’t get the impression it bothers her. This is about her 7 year old being potentially exposed to it.

Although why does she need an iPhone? My DDs (10 and 7) share use of an iPad but neither have an iPhone of their own.

Whodafeck · 17/04/2019 14:49

Should have been supervised then.

Porn is a separate issue but I can’t get over a 7 year old having a phone the adults in her life don’t know the password details / account details to.

NoCauseRebel · 17/04/2019 14:50

Thing is, there is a lot of stuff online we could all have access to if we wished. The key here is that at a certain age kids are too young to understand safety and as they get older they know what they’re looking for and are too young to need to access it. This is why it is the job of parents to ensure that they’re safe online.

I would be annoyed if my DS had managed to download a partner’s porn video’s at any age, but the answer isn’t to end the relationship, the answer is to tighten security settings so it doesn’t happen again.

By the same token if a child e.g.accessed a parent’s paper based porn mags nobody would say “end the relationship” people would say that the parent needed to put the mags somewhere the child couldn’t get them.

A friend’s then three year old was playing one day while she did housework in the room next door and he came running in shouting “yay mummy a toy!” And had her vibrator in his hand. Shock Shock should her h have divorced her for that? And if not, why not if ending a relationship because of porn on a phone is considered worthy reason to end a relationship.

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 14:51

The point is if the 7 year old didn’t have a mobile phone none of this would be an issue.

Rach182 · 17/04/2019 14:52

I wouldn't let him take a 12 day old baby on a trip without me, regardless of the relationship status.

With regards to seeing the children generally, unless the images on his phone were child pornography, I don't think what he did was a serious enough mistake to make it reasonable for you to prevent him seeing the children

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 14:52

This isn’t about her views on porn, I don’t get the impression it bothers her. This is about her 7 year old being potentially exposed to it.

And her DH's attitude to his fuck up.

There's a big difference imo between someone who fucks up on something like this and is apologetic for it, and someone who whinges that it wasn't their fault.

That's before you even get into the issues that may be caused if the neighbour's child was also exposed to the porn as well.

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2019 14:52

On second thoughts, I shouldn’t have commented on your decision to let her have an iPhone, it’s not the point of the thread and my last paragraph was a bit judgey. I apologise for that.

Lizzie48 · 17/04/2019 14:55

‘That's before you even get into the issues that may be caused if the neighbour's child was also exposed to the porn as well.’

That’s very true. I’m not at all surprised the OP was horrified.

Raspberrytruffle · 17/04/2019 14:55

Everyone is saying ops reaction is extreme which I agree with but they arnt taking in to account op has a 12 day baby and is likely to be hormonal and feeling vulnerable, if my dd found porn this way I'd be furious too but I wouldn't chuck do out and refuse acsess unless he had done it intentionally

blackteasplease · 17/04/2019 14:56

Lots of issues-

  1. I wouldn't leave someone for having porn myself (I left exh for other reasons!). It's a personal thing but did he know you were very against it?
  1. He was an absolutely dick head for not realising she'd get access to everything on his phone. He is responsible for her having seen that. I am not surprising you are angry and upset. Kicking him out for a while sends a message in itself which is important but it's up to you if you make it permanent.
  1. It's valid to ask why on earth a 7yo has a smart phone and unsupervised access to it. Both of you should have realised yhis wad too young. The phone also shouldn't have gone to the trampoline park but that's a more minor issue.
  1. No you shouldn't stop him sewing them. Big two he should be allowed to see As much as reasonable possible- while ensuring they have quality time at home etc. Baby he should only see with you there or short periods because he or she is new born.
  1. Be careful how your dd looks at this. Children have a habit of blaming themselves even if they aren't to blame. She should see her Dad to make sute she doesn't feel guilty for "driving him away" and keep things as normal as you can.
Oakmaiden · 17/04/2019 15:00

Allowing children to see porn is a child protection issue.

This is true. That said, they would ask how it had happened, listen to the reason and say "Well, that was stupid, don't do it again". They wouldn't actually take action about something so obviously a stupid mistake.

As for being tech savvy. I am tech savvy. I am weeks away from finishing a masters in computer science. It still didn't occur to me that giving my daughter (who is 15, by the way) my old iphone would mean all my contacts and her contacts and sign ins and stuff would be inextricably tied up and complicated. Just didn't occur to me to think about it, until it was too late.

I guess if the watching of porn isn't the line in the sand for OP, then chucking her husband out for a genuine accidental mistake is bonkers. Being furious - oh my, yes, I get that completely - but kicking him out?

But, OP, you have a very young baby and it probably isn't the time to make irrevocable decisions. But since this has happened, do you have people around you who can help support you?

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