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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let him see the kids

313 replies

Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 12:56

Last week DP took DD’s to a trampoline park where DD (7) lost her mobile phone. We got her another over the weekend but she couldn’t remember her iCloud login details so DP logged into his account on her phone so she was able to put some Apps and stuff back on to it.

Last night DD (7) came in from her friends, handed me her phone and said there was an album titled “hidden” and it didn’t have very nice things in it. So I obviously took the phone and checked and to my absolute horror and disgust there were numerous porn pictures and some pretty graphic porn videos.

I quickly deleted everything from the album and said to her I would tell him to sign out of his account on her phone and we would make her a new account.

Because he had signed into his iCloud on her phone, all his pics and videos also went on to her phone.

I have honestly never felt so ill in my life, the fact he even had this stuff in his phone is bad enough but for my 7 year old to have been exposed to this is making me feel sick to my stomach, to say the least.

I didn’t want to cause a scene last night in front of the kids but I did ask him to sleep on the sofa as I couldn’t bare him being near me. This morning when the kids went to school I told him I wanted him to leave. At first he refused to go and said it wasn’t his fault those pictures ended up there!!

The house is mine, everything is in my name so I told him if he didn’t go I would call the police to remove him. Eventually he went.

I have a 12 day old baby and he has just text me asking if he can take the baby to see his aunt later. I really don’t want him near us but I don’t know if stopping him seeing the kids is the right thing to do either. Would I be unreasonable to tell him he can’t take the baby to see his aunt?

OP posts:

Pyeeyed · 18/04/2019 17:03

I don’t need to prove anything as I haven’t written anything which questions the OP’s parenting.

You and many others have, and without proof, made out the OP is a bad parent based on an assumption that the DD has unsupervised internet access. Your assumptions aren’t fair and very judgemental.

CardsforKittens · 18/04/2019 17:05

The phone, and the potential access to the internet, whether supervised or not, are completely irrelevant.

The proximate cause is the dad’s failure to prevent his daughter seeing the porn he had downloaded.

Every other ‘if’ is irrelevant. If the daughter didn’t have an iPhone, if she hadn’t lost the previous phone, if she didn’t have a friend with an iPhone, if she had never been born, if her parents had never met, if humans hadn’t evolved... all irrelevant.

The proximate cause of her being exposed to porn was her dad’s recklessness.

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2019 17:18

“The proximate cause of her being exposed to porn was her dad’s recklessness.”

This.

Shouldbedoing · 18/04/2019 18:23

Back to should a 12 day old baby visit Auntie with just Dad, I'd say no, a bit young for a jaunt without Mum. Baby can go with you both when/if you resolve this. Or in a while if you separate.

Raspberrytruffle · 18/04/2019 19:06

How are you op?

BasiliskStare · 18/04/2019 19:15

“The proximate cause of her being exposed to porn was her dad’s recklessness.”

I would second this - a child having access to e.g. an iphone or an iPad to play a game for a short while - well hang me - I don't think that is actually a hanging offence. Having inappropriate pictures on said device is 1. inappropriate for DC to see & 2. also a thing to discuss between DPs / DW / DH etc. ( But they are adults and they can discuss)

So in our case DS did not get a mobile phone until 13. probably borrowed Dad's sometimes but then we were pretty confident nothing inappropriate on there. Many people thought we were a bit harsh for 13 to be allowed a mobile phone.

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2019 19:22

“Back to should a 12 day old baby visit Auntie with just Dad, I'd say no, a bit young for a jaunt without Mum.” Can I ask why if it’s a ff baby?

seven201 · 18/04/2019 20:24

I think new mum hormones have clouded your judgement.

He made a big mistake. It was a mistake though. It wasn't malicious. It's not worth ending a relationship over.

However, I would be asking him why he had pictures of himself in his pants. Could be a vanity thing or he could be sending them to someone!

RedSkyLastNight · 18/04/2019 21:16

There are 2 issues here

DD was able to view inappropriate content that her dad had downloaded and had mistakenly given her access to. This is awful, but it was a mistake and hopefully is a wake up call to dad to make sure he is more careful with how/if he shares his phone.
DD has her own iPhone and is able to use it and access the internet without parental supervision (at the trampoline park and at neighbours house being examples quoted by OP and she clearly also wasn't being supervised on the occasion when she actually found the photos). It may be that DD never actually accesses the WiFi except when at home and that supervision is super hot at home... but, if so, this is more by luck than judgement. Both of OP's parents need to come up with and enforce strict rules around phone and internet use ... before DD accesses something else inappropriate.

I don't see (2) as less serious than (1) as it's only chance that meant DD saw the porn via route (1) It could easily have happened the other way around.

w0man · 18/04/2019 21:57

Fair enough. As I said, I've never had one, for some reason my husband couldn't set up an account for my dd without entering bank card details. No idea why then if you don't need to.

Your husband isn't the first to have mistakenly thought you need a payment method attached on set up. A lot of people think this is the case. If you download a free app, you then select great new Apple ID and then you can continue without adding payment details.

I did it just a few months ago for my brother who couldn't figure out how to do it. If it's a child and they want paid content you can buy I tunes gift cards.

w0man · 18/04/2019 22:30

Had the dd and the phone been supervised at the trampoline park presumably it wouldn't be lost?

The Dad took the child at Trampoline park.

The Dad saved porn his phone, the Dad gave his password to the child and the Daf let her use his own phone to look at pictures,

The Dad bought her the phone, the Dad set her phone up. The Dad put a back up if his own phone using icloud, a feature designed to transferand syncs content such as photos, on all devices linked to that account to make working on multiple devices fluid and to make setting a new phone seamless by downloading your back up.

Id expect to be trust my husband to parent his child without me having to check he'd made a mistake and accidentally put inappropriate adult content it and it seems a lot of people are angry at the OP expect to take responsibility for what could have happened in the future, or different circumstances, while Dad gets a free ride for what did happen as a result of his own behaviour. If the porn had come from OPs phone and the husband was angry, I doubt people will be telling her it's her husbands fault.

olivesnutsandcheese · 18/04/2019 22:38

You are the unreasonable one here. No 7 year old ever needs a phone. Be a parent

GabsAlot · 19/04/2019 23:13

he should admit it was his mistake for sure but do you really want to end your marriage over it

and just because your childs best friend has a phone doesnt mean she automatically gets one

my dn says this alot oh my freind has this and that my dsis rightly says so thats their rules not ours

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