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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let him see the kids

313 replies

Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 12:56

Last week DP took DD’s to a trampoline park where DD (7) lost her mobile phone. We got her another over the weekend but she couldn’t remember her iCloud login details so DP logged into his account on her phone so she was able to put some Apps and stuff back on to it.

Last night DD (7) came in from her friends, handed me her phone and said there was an album titled “hidden” and it didn’t have very nice things in it. So I obviously took the phone and checked and to my absolute horror and disgust there were numerous porn pictures and some pretty graphic porn videos.

I quickly deleted everything from the album and said to her I would tell him to sign out of his account on her phone and we would make her a new account.

Because he had signed into his iCloud on her phone, all his pics and videos also went on to her phone.

I have honestly never felt so ill in my life, the fact he even had this stuff in his phone is bad enough but for my 7 year old to have been exposed to this is making me feel sick to my stomach, to say the least.

I didn’t want to cause a scene last night in front of the kids but I did ask him to sleep on the sofa as I couldn’t bare him being near me. This morning when the kids went to school I told him I wanted him to leave. At first he refused to go and said it wasn’t his fault those pictures ended up there!!

The house is mine, everything is in my name so I told him if he didn’t go I would call the police to remove him. Eventually he went.

I have a 12 day old baby and he has just text me asking if he can take the baby to see his aunt later. I really don’t want him near us but I don’t know if stopping him seeing the kids is the right thing to do either. Would I be unreasonable to tell him he can’t take the baby to see his aunt?

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 17/04/2019 13:27

Your 7 year old had an iPhone which she lost, so you went out and got her another iPhone.
Has it not occurred to you that despite parental controls your DD could have had unfettered access to all sorts of pornographic content long before this??

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 13:29

Why has she got a mobile at 7?

adaline · 17/04/2019 13:34

Why on earth does your 7yo have an iPhone?!

Catchingbentcoppers · 17/04/2019 13:34

Mobile phone at 7? Why? Does she go out without you?

I'd be raging with him for being so dim he allowed this to happen, but if they are his children, don't stop them from seeing their dad.

Aarghineedaname · 17/04/2019 13:40

7 is waaay too young to have a smartphone tbh

Planetian · 17/04/2019 13:41

I would be furious too OP. I feel sickened for you and for your 7 year old... that really is too young to be exposed to such things. He really shouldn't have taken such risks - parents like him really need to cop on and become tech savvy if they are going to allow their young children access to technology.

I think when things cool down you need to have a proper discussion - and perhaps you need to address it with your DD but I'm not sure how - and he has to stop saving porn to his phone/laptop from now on! As it wasn't intentional though (I presume/hope) then I wouldn't stop him from seeing his children. Sorry this happened, not what you need 12 days pp.

Original poster
Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 13:44

She’s almost 8. She asked for a phone for Xmas as her best friend in school has one and they wanted to FaceTime and text each other. He bought her a refurbished iPhone 6. No she doesn’t go out without me, unless it’s to play out front. She uses the phone for FaceTiming her friend, YouTube and some other kids games. That’s it. I would never let her take it outside with her. Last night she was out front playing and came in and asked if she could go into our neighbours to play with their daughter (who she had been playing out front with) neighbours daughter is 9 and also has a phone so DD asked if she could take her phone in so they could play some games on their phones. I didn’t see an issue with this so let her take the phone. Then when I went and got her she told me about the album.

He is very tech savvy so I don’t understand how he wouldn’t have known this would have happened with his pictures going on to her phone. Anyone who uses Apple products (and he has done for many years now) knows this ffs!

Anyway, I’ve told him he can collect the baby just before I get DD’s from school and have him for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 17/04/2019 13:46

It sounds to me like he was unwilling to take responsibility for the fact that his carelessness exposed your child to utterly inappropriate material. Given his attitude I’d be saying no to his request to take your baby somewhere without you. He just doesn’t seem to be responsible enough. I would think most dads would be horrified if they’d made that kind of mistake, rather than refusing to acknowledge it.

Nicknacky · 17/04/2019 13:47

I think that lesson here is that your daughter no longer gets into dads phone!

And you could have said no to her having a phone......

GunpowderGelatine · 17/04/2019 13:48

YWNBU based on the baby's age to refuse to send baby alone. I abhor porn, but assuming it was legal it's not a safeguarding risk to watch porn when you have children. But what a thick padding his iCloud account to her phone when he had this album! Which brings me to another thing - why on earth does a 7 year old have an iPhone?!

Weezol · 17/04/2019 13:50

Why did he have pictures of himself posing in his pants? Had he sent them to you?

I spotted this too. If they haven't been sent to you, I'd be wondering what they're for.

Bluebell878275 · 17/04/2019 13:51

Insywinsyy

For goodness sake please don't start a separation with the attitude of 'allowing' this and that with your joint children - he is still as equal as you are.

It's a slippery slope.

bobstersmum · 17/04/2019 13:52

For goodness sake men watch porn. What strikes me as not very good is a 7 year old having an iPhone its totally unnecessary.

PCohle · 17/04/2019 13:52

It sounds like a total mistake, obviously one with very unpleasant consequences, but an innocent mistake nonetheless. I would certainly be very angry but refusing him access to the children seems like an overreaction.

If you are allowing your 7 year old unsupervised access to a smart phone you are already running the risk of her being exposed to all sorts of material.

Mominatrix · 17/04/2019 13:52

Very strange....

First, in what normal world does a 7 year old need an iPhone? Also, in what normal world is that same child take the time to go through the files of said unnecessary phone to fine a file conveniently (in which app???) titled "hidden" which is (shock horror) filled with porn images and videos.

right....

Scrumptiousbears · 17/04/2019 13:53

I know it was a shock but he didn't mean to expose your DD to porn so to chuck him out and ban him from seeing the kids is massively unreasonable.

Ribbonsonabox · 17/04/2019 13:54

YABU to stop him from seeing the kids yes.
You arent being unreasonable to break up with him if this has really effected you. It's your right to have your own red lines about pornography. But this is no reason to prevent him from seeing his children. This was an accident, hes not being abusive. It was stupid yes, but he is still their dad and children need to be allowed to see their parent unless there is any actual risk posed to them. As this was an accident, hes not purposefully trying to expose them to porn I really do not think it has anything to do with your children. Of course porn may be a deal breaker for you in your relationship with him... but you cant take back the fact he is their father because he stupidly didnt realise hed signed into his iCloud.

However YANBU to not want him to take such a young baby from you for a long period of time. He should be allowed access to the baby but at that age the baby should not be separated from you for long periods or taken a long distance away from you. So I too would have said no to him taking the baby on his own to visit a relative.

SoupDragon · 17/04/2019 13:54

The most unreasonable thing is that your 7 year old has an iPhone and, when she lost it, got another iPhone.

DD is signed into my Apple ID/iCloud account and she doesn't see my photos and I don't see hers.

adaline · 17/04/2019 13:55

She’s almost 8. She asked for a phone for Xmas as her best friend in school has one and they wanted to FaceTime and text each other.

But you're her parent. Seven year olds don't need phones!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/04/2019 13:56

Look, we didn't se whatever it was on the phone. If OP thinks it is inexcusable then that is her right. She can end a relationship based on that of she wishes. As he has explaine the house she lives in is in her name, she can chuck him out too!

The only thing she needed a bit of help woth was 'allowing' him to see the kids and look.... she has sorted that out for herself too!

Treaclepie19 · 17/04/2019 13:56

Yeah... it was a mistake. I think you are being unreasonable.
Especially since a 7 year old with access to YouTube could stumble across anything.

CocoCharlie83 · 17/04/2019 13:56

YABU to stop him from seeing his kids.

You are right to be furious that your child has been exposed to this as it should never have happened but it sounds like an honest mistake. Unless there are other issues such as the porn itself then you are being U to throw away your marriage for something which was an innocent mistake where there your DH in no way acted to try to hurt your DC or you.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 17/04/2019 13:57

Why did he have pictures of himself posing in his pants? Had he sent them to you?

Gym pics - FB/insta is littered with them

Nicknacky · 17/04/2019 13:57

I have photos of me naked or in underwear in my phone. I don’t send them to anyone.

If I’m feeling over weight then I like them for comparison with my progress at the gym etc.

Mrsglitterfairy · 17/04/2019 13:58

I don’t have a massive issue with the 7 yr old having an iPhone, My DS is the same age as has an iPad, however, I think you’re daft buying her a new one as soon as she lost hers.
With regards to dp, he sounds like a numpty for being so careless but he hasn’t really done anything (unless there’s a back story) to warrant him not being able to spend time with his own children. The pants pics would concern me though unless they have been sent to you.
On another note, your dd shouldn’t be looking through her dads phone therefore what he has on his own phone should be private.
I also disagree with people saying the baby shouldn’t be put without mum, my DH would take minr out on his own for a couple of hours from being a few days old. He’s more than capable of looking after his own baby. DS1 was bf and he would just take him out once he had had a good feed