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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let him see the kids

313 replies

Insywinsyy · 17/04/2019 12:56

Last week DP took DD’s to a trampoline park where DD (7) lost her mobile phone. We got her another over the weekend but she couldn’t remember her iCloud login details so DP logged into his account on her phone so she was able to put some Apps and stuff back on to it.

Last night DD (7) came in from her friends, handed me her phone and said there was an album titled “hidden” and it didn’t have very nice things in it. So I obviously took the phone and checked and to my absolute horror and disgust there were numerous porn pictures and some pretty graphic porn videos.

I quickly deleted everything from the album and said to her I would tell him to sign out of his account on her phone and we would make her a new account.

Because he had signed into his iCloud on her phone, all his pics and videos also went on to her phone.

I have honestly never felt so ill in my life, the fact he even had this stuff in his phone is bad enough but for my 7 year old to have been exposed to this is making me feel sick to my stomach, to say the least.

I didn’t want to cause a scene last night in front of the kids but I did ask him to sleep on the sofa as I couldn’t bare him being near me. This morning when the kids went to school I told him I wanted him to leave. At first he refused to go and said it wasn’t his fault those pictures ended up there!!

The house is mine, everything is in my name so I told him if he didn’t go I would call the police to remove him. Eventually he went.

I have a 12 day old baby and he has just text me asking if he can take the baby to see his aunt later. I really don’t want him near us but I don’t know if stopping him seeing the kids is the right thing to do either. Would I be unreasonable to tell him he can’t take the baby to see his aunt?

OP posts:
Sessy19 · 17/04/2019 15:00

I was being facetious.

A 7yo probably has no idea about what she has seen, kids dont even think about sex until they’re much older. I’d relax and put this down to post partum exhaustion. And a plonker of a husband. Don’t rip your family apart...

combatbarbie · 17/04/2019 15:04

@OP the porn wouldn't bother me but can he explain the naked selfies??

JaneEyre07 · 17/04/2019 15:08

I don't know why everyone is piling onto the OP when she's 12 days after giving birth and her 7 year old and her friends have just been exposed to graphic porn.

OP I'd be absolutely furious, and would want my DH to understand the seriousness of his mistake. The fact he's not apologising or trying to make amends for it would upset me as much as the action itself.

And I would check to see if the other children saw anything.... nip that in the bud and explain in case they've reported it.

I'm heartily sick of the "I'm so cool with porn/lapdancers/cheating" brigade that seem to have flooded MN recently Angry

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 15:09

He had graphic porn on the phone that he gives his dd to play with and downloads it one her phone- and somehow the OP is the bad guy? Give me strength!

DistanceCall · 17/04/2019 15:11

You don't get to decide if your children see their father or not. He's not abusive - he made a stupid mistake.

It's perfectly reasonable to insist that he takes measures to ensure that your children can't see that kind of thing again. But keeping him from seeing them? Insane.

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 15:12

He had graphic porn on the phone that he gives his dd to play with and downloads it one her phone- and somehow the OP is the bad guy? Give me strength!

This!

Plus he wasn't even apologetic about it. It's not "am I unreasonable to chuck out my husband for his fuck up even though he's devastasted by it" instead he was whinging about it not being his fault.

Jenasaurus · 17/04/2019 15:15

Hi Op, I understand your reaction. It must have been a shock when your DD mentioned what she had seen on the phone. Regardless of whether having a phone is the right thing for a 7 year old or not, its definitely not the right thing for a 7 year old to have access to porn though. I would still let your DP see the baby and maybe try and see if you can get through this, it seems a shame to throw it all away just after having a baby together.

RomanyQueen1 · 17/04/2019 15:15

If it hadn't been her dad it would have been someone else at some stage, just perhaps not at 7.
Tbh, I think you are equally as bad for giving a 7 year old a hone

lyralalala · 17/04/2019 15:16

If it hadn't been her dad it would have been someone else at some stage, just perhaps not at 7.

WTF?

Napqueen1234 · 17/04/2019 15:17

I can completely see why you are upset but it seems like a genuine mistake on his part (that the 7 yo saw the pics). The hidden album is fairly hide to find (I would say) so your dd must have been messing around on the phone for quite some time to find it.

I would just ask him to be more careful and maybe discuss the porn if it bothers you so much but otherwise move on. And as said before unless particularly inappropriate porn no need to stop him seeing DC especially new baby

steff13 · 17/04/2019 15:17

I agree with PP that 7 is too young for a phone.

But, if you're ok with her having a phone, why on earth did you not have her icloud username and password?! That's basic internet safety; you should have access to all her accounts.

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 15:20

Jesus Christ, women have bought into this porn crap, haven’t they? It’s perfectly fine for men to have graphic porn on their phones. Just a little accident that it was downloaded onto a 7 year olds phone-after all, it would have happened sooner or later. I truly despair.

Nicknacky · 17/04/2019 15:22

I watch porn on my phone. I don’t download it as I wouldn’t watch the same thing twice. It’s not just men that like it.

Redglitter · 17/04/2019 15:24

Unless theres a backstory then kicking him out over this seems an over reaction. He made a stupid mistake.

Hopefully once things calm down you can talk it through. Do you really want to end your marriage over this?

Whatever you decide though you have no grounds for stopping him seeing his children

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 15:27

He had graphic porn on the phone that he gives his dd to play with and downloads it one her phone- and somehow the OP is the bad guy? Give me strength!

That’s not what happened though. The DD has a new phone and couldn’t log in to her iCloud account so her dad logged into his account on her phone so she could download apps.

Mia1415 · 17/04/2019 15:29

I think YABU and need to take some responsibility yourself.

Yes, your DP made a mistake, however in my opinion you shouldn't have let your DD take the phone without monitoring what she was doing.

CatG85 · 17/04/2019 15:32

Unless the porn was involving children why on earth would it effect his access to his own children? He wasn't actively showing porn to his children. If porn is your limit then fair enough if you want your relationship to end over it (personally it would seem a bit over the top but again that's just personally).
I do however have to agree with some of the other posters that a 7 year old shouldn't really have a mobile phone anyway and especially one with an icloud that you don't know the password too.

LagunaBubbles · 17/04/2019 15:32

LagunaBubbles because the baby is 12 DAYS OLD and shouldn’t be away from the mother for hours at a time. I wouldn’t allow it regardless of this fuck up with the phone tbh

Unless the baby is breastfed there is no reason why a Dad isn't perfectly capable of looking after their baby.

cliquewhyohwhy · 17/04/2019 15:33

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User59720gpwn82210 · 17/04/2019 15:35

What a blooming pile on!

@CocoCharlie83
"OP if you truly believe he purposely exposed your DD to this why aren't you calling the police?"

The OP has already responded to Sessy19 that she was not insinuating that at all. She isn't saying he deliberately exposed DD to the porn, she is just very angry that it was on the phone in the first place so that DD could inadvertently get to see it.

Plenty of posters are saying there is nothing wrong with porn but that isn't what the OP is asking.

If the OP has a problem with very graphic porn being on her DH's phone the she is perfectly entitled to hold that view. Not everyone views it the same and her feelings about it are as valid as anyone else's. If this is a deal breaker for the OP in her marriage then that is okay too.

HiHoToffee · 17/04/2019 15:39

Why blame the OP for letting her 7 year old have a phone and not monitoring her enough when it was he tech savvy DP who connected that phone to the cloud that contained his porn without checking the content.

He should be the one taking responsibility for this, his fault not the OP or her DD having a phone.

wombat1a · 17/04/2019 15:41

Massive over-reaction, everyone makes mistakes, he didn't do it on purpose.

FifisLovelyApron · 17/04/2019 15:42

He made a mistake, he should have been much more careful. But he didn't deliberately put those images on her phone so though you are right to be angry, there is no reason to keep him from the children.

Is it maybe the case that you no longer wanted to be with him and this was the last straw/a good reason? If you don't want to be with him anymore it's your decision, but still your children deserve for things to be civil between their parents.

RomanyQueen1 · 17/04/2019 15:44

Lyra

Yes, currently around y6 they start passing the porn round.

FifisLovelyApron · 17/04/2019 15:45

Even tech savvy people can be careless. And OP said she wasn't insinuating he did it deliberately. It's not OTT to be upset your 7 year old daughter just got exposed to porn for the first time courtesy of her own father, albeit accidentally.

Why are there pics of him on there - who is he sending them to?

Maybe he was just admiring himself?

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