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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kids want their Dad to leave home!

291 replies

Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 09:26

I’m prepared to get majorly abused about this...
My children are 12,10,8. They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
My husband works hard/long hours and is always tired, he has isolated himself from our family. He never comes out with us, yet socialises a lot with his friends at weekends. They see him as lazy, moody and mean. He clashes constantly with our eldest and he has told me that he loves her but doesn’t like her very much. I have a list of complaints about my husband, but when I think about asking him to leave I really don’t want him too. How can I restore our family or is it too late if the children really don’t like him. He is a lovely man but seems to be lost in a cycle that isn’t what/how a family should operate.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/04/2019 11:57

I haven't changed my opinion from your OP.

It's not you. Only he can change his behaviour. You can only accept it or not, on your behalf and of your children too.

In relation to the children, it could be a case of be careful what you wish for.

For now, I'd suggest a temporary separation and some counselling for him. That would allow you all to see how it is being without him in the house for longer periods and some time for him to work on himself, possibly rebuild his relationship with his children and you but without the pressure of living together.
Then, eventually, try again with him in the house if things do improve with him, but have strict boundaries and consequences. Unfortunately, I think he will revert to type, if he ever rises up to the challenge while separated, but it might dispel any remaining doubts you might have.

AssassinatedBeauty · 15/04/2019 11:58

I can't believe how many people just accept that this behaviour from the husband is understandable and that the OP has to put in all the leg work to try and force him to realise and change.

IvanaPee · 15/04/2019 12:01

Jesus Christ.

Therapy with abusers is not recommended and he IS abusive.

If he wants to get counselling to try to repair the damage, great.

But the FAMILY doesn’t need to do anything. The OP doesn’t need to do anything.

Her selfish fucker of a husband is the one who needs to change.

Ffs! Are some posters so desperate for a man that they would put up with this shit and encourage the OP to kill herself “giving things a shot”.

Ending a marriage with kids is absolutely the right thing to do if she’s not happy, and the kids aren’t happy.

Lweji · 15/04/2019 12:02

The OP doesn’t need to do anything.

Well, apart from kicking him out. Wink

SpriggyTheHedgehog · 15/04/2019 12:02

People really will excuse anything.

IvanaPee · 15/04/2019 12:04

Well, apart from kicking him out.

Yes, apart from that! Grin

Londonmummy66 · 15/04/2019 12:06

Mine disengages sometimes - usually when everything gets on top of him. Can you go out for a meal - ie in an environment where he can't just lose it and discuss and explain that he is running the risk of losing his family? Your children are also old enough now to have a family meeting where everyone sits down and says what they would like. One might be to get rid of the separate TV? I know it sounds a bit "hippy" but having a stick or something to indicate whose turn it is to talk so the rest have to listen - so he can't just explode and ignore - can help. Use the meeting to plan some family activities over the next few weekends for everyone - even if it is just a family walk in the park - once they have disengaged it is often easier for them to carry on with the behaviour by default.

WYP2018 · 15/04/2019 12:07

Your describing my dad OP, I begged my mum to leave many times over the years. I don’t think you realise the damage he is doing to your kids. You are so deep into it you can’t see how awful it is.

I don’t have a relationship with either of my parents now, and it’s given me and my siblings a whole basket of mental health problems as teens/adults.

StoppinBy · 15/04/2019 12:08

@ivanapee, I have to disagree with you, I was 10 when my parents divorced, they sat my sister and I down with them both their and asked us where we wanted to live, it was a very cruel thing to do to a child.

The right thing to do here is even in the case of a divorce, to have the children feel it was the adults decision and nothing to do with what they said, otherwise in years to come if you let the children think that they were responsible for their parents splitting up they may well feel a lot of guilt about that whether it was the right decision or not.

LagunaBubbles · 15/04/2019 12:09

Your poor children. Sad

Lweji · 15/04/2019 12:10

There's disengaging sometimes (me) and there's disengaging all the time when he's at home.
There's losing your temper occasionally and giving over the top punishments, but then retracting and apologising if necessary, and there's being shouty all the time and not backing down from unfair punishments.
There's arguing about central heating when all are at home, and there's shutting it off at the mains when not at home but others are.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 15/04/2019 12:10

Hi OP.

He sounds like he’s got into a cycle of behaving in a certain way. This is not acceptable - but I’m not sure you’ve made this as clear as it could be on a day to day basis: boundaries and lines are useful.

You need to tell him it’s not on - he already knows but has convinced himself you ‘would have said’ if you didn’t like the way things are. Now is the time to tell him, and also to tell him you will keep pulling him up on stuff - this isn’t a one off.

You need to talk, without the kids

Wallywobbles · 15/04/2019 12:13

My husband has been seeing a CBT psychologist for about 4 months. I go along about once a month and we get given tools to help us deal with the family/kids issues. It's been pretty amazing honestly.

We are probably fairly unusual in going before we've reached breaking point.

GabsAlot · 15/04/2019 12:15

so for around 8 years hes ben like this-off out at the weekends but takes no notice of his family

hes checked out i doubt he'll change its been too long

GabsAlot · 15/04/2019 12:17

also the heating is abusive and controlling -if you werent scared you would just leave the heating on-like you have a right to

LannieDuck · 15/04/2019 12:20

What would happen if you sat down with him this weekend and divided up the chores/childcare between the two of you? 50:50 since you both work full time.

Do you feel that your time is somehow worth less than his?
Are you scared of him?

JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2019 12:22

Therapy with abusers is not recommended and he IS abusive.

@IvanPee Are you writing this as a professional?

If you are, I'd take issue with that. if you are not, please don't repeat things you have read online. I've read this on MN and I don't know where it's come from.

What I , and many other posters are saying, is that this issue is WAY beyond the 'help' of anon posters on a forum.
Half of them just saying they experienced something similar.

EVERY family is different. It's no good giving 'advice' based on your own parenting. You are not the OP, her children are not you, her husband is not your father etc.

It's up to a counsellor/ psychologist/ family therapist to decide if the OP's DH is suitable for therapy.

And I didn't actually suggest 'therapy'- I suggested parent coaching which is very different. It's often workshops, group discussions, or 1:1 if you want that.

The vital requirement is HE needs to be wiling to try something like that. if he's not and won't take the situation seriously, then yes, the OP may need to end her marriage.

JenniferJareau · 15/04/2019 12:22

I’m not scared at all, just pointless having a row about heating.

You are scared of him though as you walk on eggshells rather than stand up for yourself and have the heating turned on when you are cold.

I think your first step is to honestly decide if you want to give the marriage a try or if it is over.

Motoko · 15/04/2019 12:23

@StoppinBy you've misunderstood what Ivanapee was saying. She wasn't advocating getting the children involved at all.

EKGEMS · 15/04/2019 12:23

It sounds like the only humans in your house with common sense, insight and self esteem are the three children! Hope you're saving up for their future therapy

SandyY2K · 15/04/2019 12:23

Time is one thing you can't get back.

You only get one childhood. Parents are responsible for ensuring their children have a safe, loving, nurturing and healthy childhood.

Parenting is a hard job and we will all make mistakes along the way. Perfection is impossible.

If as parents we stand by while we see behaviour that doesn't create the right environment for them, I believe that's a big failure as a parent.

Any parent who knowingly allows this, is directly contributing to the situation by failing to act.

EvaHarknessRose · 15/04/2019 12:25

Yes, I think your kids are actually calling you out on the fact that you either tiptoe around him, challenge him ineffectually or sideline him. You have found this easier but they have not. Good luck with talking, and I hope you can all find a happier balance.

BingandFlop2019 · 15/04/2019 12:26

OP my Dad was abusive and I will NEVER EVER EVERRRRRR forgive my Mum for not leaving him.

Romax · 15/04/2019 12:27

Parenting is not just about providing and loving

It is about having your children’s backs.

And you OP are failing them in this respect

NutellaFitzgerald · 15/04/2019 12:29

You have described my father. Right down to the wanting him to leave. He would be nothing but grumpy with us, ruined the peace of home, spent his weekends sleeping in or just watching tv. Did nothing for or with his children. Was abusive sporadically. Outwardly a funny and charming ma. But completely disengaged from his children.

We tried so hard to persuade my mum to leave him but she always bottled out. FGS listen to them. They have the measure of him.

Now, I have no relationship with him. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and a fresh start as an adult but he learned nothing. Still is as entitled and selfish as he ever was. He's never met his youngest two grandchildren. Only saw the older ones once when they were babies. He has no relationship with any of his daughters and mum's relationship with my sister is strained because of her inaction in the past.