Kids want their Dad to leave home!

[Confusedadult]

I’m prepared to get majorly abused about this...
My children are 12,10,8. They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
My husband works hard/long hours and is always tired, he has isolated himself from our family. He never comes out with us, yet socialises a lot with his friends at weekends. They see him as lazy, moody and mean. He clashes constantly with our eldest and he has told me that he loves her but doesn’t like her very much. I have a list of complaints about my husband, but when I think about asking him to leave I really don’t want him too. How can I restore our family or is it too late if the children really don’t like him. He is a lovely man but seems to be lost in a cycle that isn’t what/how a family should operate.

[CheesecakeAddict]

Ugh sounds like my dad. All 5 of his children moved 200 miles plus just to get away from him. His grumpiness and meanness got worse as we were teenagers and now I see my parents just a few times a year because I can't stand being under the same roof as my dad. My mum plays happy families like we are making it up, but my childhood memories include being forced to eat a bar of soap and being beaten with an etcher scetcher because my dad wanted to watch TV and we were being too giddy.

[Belenus]

Last night there was a big bust up and they were all crying and basically through tears were saying they hated him, why can’t he leave, all he does is shout. It was terrible. He was in another room and stayed away and left me to deal with it. He must of heard them and inside he would of been really hurt.

OP what jumps out at me about this is the extent to which you prioritise his feelings. All the children were crying. You had to deal with all of this and yet your concern is the purely speculative one that he would have heard them and been hurt by it. You've absolved him of all responsibility for creating the situation and given him all the sympathy.

Why? He does have choices. He can learn how to be a parent. He can stay and cope with the situation he's created. You're treating him like the child who needs parenting and sympathy and giving your children the responsibility of adults.

I would start with you having counselling and help so you can work out what's going on. Go to someone who is experienced with spotting abuse, so they can help if that's what it is. And I agree with PP - it is unusual for children to want a parent to leave even if that parent is dreadful. So I'd get to the bottom of whatever is going on ASAP and seriously consider getting him out and away from you and the children.

[JinglingHellsBells]

@IvanaPee
If you can't see the point of what I posted, let me spell it out.

If you are a qualified therapist, say so. If not, stop posting as if you are.
Because the point I made was no one can tell from what the OP said if her DH is abusive or not; there are posters who say he is unpleasant, and has issues (perhaps related to stress) but no on here can diagnose him as abusive.

If you say you can, on the basis of these posts, I'd not trust you as a therapist or MH/ counselling professional.

The point about my friend was that you seem to know better than people working at the Tavistock Centre/ Clinic which is possibly the best in the UK.

Abuse, while it may be crystal clear in some cases, can be subjective in others as it is based on the story the other partner tells and the slant they put on it (and I'm not talking to violent abuse.)

Any decent counsellor, therapist, psychologist would make a judgement once they had worked with or assessed the couple.

They would not make a blanket 'call' and tell someone they didn't know, but who had posted on a forum, not to seek professional help.

You are out of order doing that because you have effectively told the OP that help would not be suitable. Based on a few posts on a forum. That is hardly professional behaviour if you are still practising.

I was posting about parenting support. This is often for families, or for the parents together to work out strategies. Some are workshops, some are online. I suspect you know nothing of these, because if you did you wouldn't be so damning of them.

There may come a point where the OP and her H would like to access that type of help.

[JinglingHellsBells]

And yes, @IvanaPee I fully agree with you that the OP needs help, which is why you ought not to suggest certain means of support might not be suitable for her, when you have not met her, spoken to her, and are basing your comments on posts on a forum.

This is not derailing it at all- far from it. You tried to tell her (or me) certain support was not suitable. How anyone supposedly professional can ascertain that from her comments here, is beyond me.

[IvanaPee]

Firstly, I could post a load of fake certifications if I wanted to. I could tell you I’m a rocket scientist. So what is the point in posting my credentials on an anonymous forum?

Secondly, I most certainly did not tell the OP not to get therapy. Nor did I say her husband shouldn’t. What I said was family and couples therapy isn’t recommended in cases where there is abuse.

Why are you disputing that? It’s fact.

Thirdly, I said that I don’t believe they need parenting courses. This isn’t a parenting issue. Because HE is the issue. That’s clear as day.

Your reference to your friend is still completely irrelevant. Why does me thinking another couple’s therapy session being irrelevant to the OP equate to me thinking I know better than other their therapists to you?

That’s not what I said. I didn’t even imply it.

What the OP has described is emotional abuse.

There may be extenuating factors, he may improve with therapy, he may have MH issues that are manifesting in an abusive way toward his family. Hell, he may even be able to change and improve.

None of that means his behaviour up until this point hasn’t been abusive.

Now what part of that ^ do you have a problem with, specifically?

[Lweji]

So if unbeknownst to you, your children told someone they didn't want you around, and it was all essentially behaviours you needed to change, that wouldn't be a tragedy you would want to know about and try to fix? You'd like the solution to be just fuck you ltb?

If I understood this bit, a decent parent would take stock and modify their behaviour if their children said they didn't want them around because of said behaviours.
I agree.
As the father here seems to have heard his children say it, will he start changing his behaviour or not? He should be the one who wanted to change his behaviour, without his wife telling him he should. Don't you think?
But, if he ignores it, then what else is there but to LTB?

[JinglingHellsBells]

@Ivanapee Despite you saying you were 'done' with me, you can't help coming back. Are you always so confrontational- god help your clients.

Look, run along and attend to your clients instead of spending your days getting cross on AIBU on a forum.

Life's too short.

[Honeydukes92]

Oh OP 😢

I was your eldest! Growing up my dad was constantly asleep, shouting or disinterested!
He was honestly the worst ‘present’ parent I could imagine and never worked as he was so irritable/lazy he couldn’t hold down a job and his OCD took over our home!

I hated him.

In my early twenties he was diagnosed with a health problem that explained why he’d been so exhausted all the time and my mother/sibling rushed to ‘forgive’ but I’ve never been able to. Yes I understand that he was unwell, but he never sought help and completely ruined my childhood and negatively influenced who I became as a person.

I moved out at 18, never went back, have my own house now with a great job and wonderful DH. I don’t visit him or interact beyond basic family curtosey.

I love him- but I do not like him. I imagine your kids will grow to feel the same.

[IvanaPee]

Why did you tag me if you didn’t expect/want a response?

I’m not cross, nor have I been confrontational.

I also don’t have work today.

[SusieSusieSoo]

What about how the dc's feel op? It sounds like they are really upset by this. Isn't that your first concern? Surely if you can get him to see the problem & he addresses it things will
Improve but if not are you really going to inflict that on dc's for the rest of their time at home? I can sympathise with them. Growing up with a 'd'f like that significantly affected me and has done my whole life. I am 47. I have accepted being treated badly my whole life as a result because I don't know any better. He finally left home when I was 29 (11 years after I left...) I went to uni as much to escape him as anything....

My ds is now 6. I have learnt more recently to stand up for myself with my family (I had to, for him) and I've finally met a really lovely kind man. He is like a breath of fresh air. I now realise what it's like to be treated well.

Please put your dc's first op.

[Lovebeingmama]

In my experience needs to be significant issues for the child to break a bond with a parent. Clearly your husbands behaviour is having a profound effect on them and family life.
I’d be seeking family counselling and if he won’t do that, my kids would come first, he’d be out.

[lablablab]

Just RTFT.

Blimey, what a life. For you and the dc. Why would you waste any more time on this selfish miserable man?

You know he'll just get worse as he gets older too. And there will be even more dramatic arguments as the dc get older and push the boundaries. Then they'll leave home and you'll be stuck indoors on your own while he still does what the fuck he wants when he wants and then the now adult dc won't want to visit when he's there and you'll be treading on eggshells at the mere mention of their names and the dc will start to resent you too... *shudder

I think you deserve more than this OP. Time to put your foot down.

[PointlessUsername]

Does he take cocaine when he is out with his friends by any chance?.

Sounds alot like a friends DP. He is an arse to her and her DC in the same ways.

[justarandomtricycle]

Lweji - yeah, none of this applies if the person is abusive, obviously.

I wouldn't necessarily trust a lot of men to cope with hearing that and come up with a working, emotionally intelligent way to deal with it, they get stuck. So (assuming he is not abusive but a loving parent who would be devastated) I would be prepared to roll sleeves up and go in to help him think it through. That's the stage I would tend to go through before ltb assuming he's savable and has made mistakes, which we all do.

[kbPOW]

It's him. And it's you. He is disengaged from family life and yes he's abusive. There are some very stupid excuses for his behaviour on this thread. It's you because you do not challenge him. You just accept and make excuses for his shitty behaviour. You don't adequately stand up for your children and you're not a good role model of how to respond to bad behaviour. You're in denial. You are part of the problem here and I would recommend individual counselling for you when you are ready to talk about what it's actually like living with an underinvested bully. Why do you think this is good enough for you, or for your poor children?

[user1471590586]

So he's at work all week working long hours. And then at the weekend out with his friends. Is that all weekend then? Does he not spend any time with you and the kids?

[ghostmouse]

Have a long talk with him, give him an ultimatum and then if things dont improve kick him out.

I was in a very similar situation last year and it affected my children badly. Couldn't do it anymore and I told him he had to go

We are a lot happier now

[Frequency]

I was desperate for my mother to leave my father. She never would so I left at the earliest opportunity which was when I was 16 and moved in with my twenty-seven year old boyfriend who pushed me into leaving college to work fulltime in a hotel kitchen.

[BurrSir]

My dad is horrid. Being around him is horrid. He hardly works and wastes all my mum’s money on his own hobby. He causes endless problems and arguments and every minute spent with him feels tense as you don’t want to say the wrong thing. He hasn’t ever been remotely interested in us. My mum openly resents him. She knows me and my sister don’t like him but even when she had the chance to end it she didn’t.

[CalleighDoodle]

lazy, moody, mean, always shouts, says he doesnt like his daughter, spends no time with his children and spends his spare time instead with his friends...

that was your FIRST TWO POSTS

poor kids.

[SandyY2K]

For all of you who experienced this as children... thanks for posting your stories. I'm sure it brings back unpleasant memories.

I really hope the OP and others in her situation pay close attention to what you've said....and how it affected you and impacted on who you are as a person.

[Dillydallyingthrough]

OP not sure if your still reading. But I think first of all you need to work out if you want to stay in your marriage. If you are unhappy, you do not need to wait for an affair, you can end it now. If you do want to work on your marriage, as a partnership I would suggest you work through this, via a GP if it's depression or counselling if it's emotional/childhood issues.

You mention he goes out with his friends - is this every weekend? All day? What is he doing whilst he is out?

Your children asking for him to leave is very unusual, I do wonder if they're feeling they need to protect you or if they have picked up some of your feelings.

Good luck OP you sound really worn down and in need of support, hopefully the harsher posts on here have not upset you but maybe given you a bit of wake up call or given you things to think about.

[Jiggles101]

FWIW I've just done a couples therapy training course at the Tavistock through work.

They don't counsel couples where there is abuse, but their definition of abuse would probably be looser than most of Mumsnets.

[colouringinpro]

Hi OP how are you doing? Did you manage to speak with your other half? Hope you're ok.

[Confusedadult]

I am fine thank you @colouringinpro. I don’t know why I posted on here really, most people on here accuse everyone of being abusers and most women of being abused or spineless doormats! I have spoken to each child individually and together to find out how they feel. They love their Dad and don’t really want him to leave. I have spoken to him and he’s going to make an effort, we will see... he really is not a bad man, I’m no pushover and I’m not being abused. I have many faults, mainly, letting him get away with being a lazy shit for so long. I posted more to get advice from anyone who has been in the same or similar situation. Thank you to everyone who posted replies.