Kids want their Dad to leave home!

[Confusedadult]

I’m prepared to get majorly abused about this...
My children are 12,10,8. They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
My husband works hard/long hours and is always tired, he has isolated himself from our family. He never comes out with us, yet socialises a lot with his friends at weekends. They see him as lazy, moody and mean. He clashes constantly with our eldest and he has told me that he loves her but doesn’t like her very much. I have a list of complaints about my husband, but when I think about asking him to leave I really don’t want him too. How can I restore our family or is it too late if the children really don’t like him. He is a lovely man but seems to be lost in a cycle that isn’t what/how a family should operate.

It could be he's just so tired when he comes in, he can't cope physically and mentally with anything else. You need to have a good talk with him, acknowledging you know he works hard,give him the chance to say why he acts and feels like he does, but also telling him how the kids feel and asking if there's any compromise on how the family can work longterm.

My DD worked full time as well as doing a post graduate degree (required by work) and then deciding to do a degree in another field, as well as doing voluntary work. Two things he kept to where spending a little time with DD/putting her to bed in the evening, it was only 15 mins but was about her, asking about her day etc. Another thing, Saturday afternoons and evenings were always for us, whether we just sat and watched tv togeether, went for a walk, played a game or eat out. Even though DH was stressed at times working from 7am to 9.30pm every day and then he'd have to have a shower/sort out household problems if I needed to touch base, he tried not to let this rub off on his family.

It’s not you. It’s him.
Getting “help” won’t work unless he wants things to change. And nothing you have posted suggests he does want things to change in any way.

I'd suggest family therapy through a parenting coach.
Here are some experts to look at

www.theparentpractice.com/

Judy Reith- parenting coach

Sue Atkins- parenting coach

aschildren we begged our mother to leave our father- no matter how unhappy we all were, she ignored our misery and put up with his abuse-of her and us- she always promised she would leave when the youngest left school- even though that was too late for us.

she never did leave him, even now she says it would have been too hard, so she basically stayed because he worked and brought in some money (spent most of it on himself though)

we left home as soon as we were 16, and were low/no contact with him until his death;

we have no respect for her, and resent the misery of our childhood, we blame her as much as him, because she stayed with him, so we had to

I'm the only one who really bothers with her- and try to give her a nicer old age than the childhood we got (gifts, outings, holidays) from a sense of duty and christian love, not filial love and affection. not not that she appreciates it but hey ho.

They are not making a decison they are actually pointing out that your marriage is over - that is no way to live at all.

Plus he is abusive to you and your eldest and is trying to put a divide between your children. You will lose them OP if you dont address this

Yes you are making excuses - why because you simply dont want to have to deal with the truth which is you have to act. You can no longer be passive in this at all.

Are you prepared though to end it if you talk and he isnt prepared to change - because your marriage has been over a long time

And/or you get help? Sounds good. But I still think he needs to go for a while at least.

Good luck with the talk tonight OP. But please let him talk and don't put words in his mouth.

You are so wedded to this 'he doesn't know how to engage with us so he does nothing' line that you are in danger of handing that straight to him as an excuse to use.

HE needs to explain what is going on, why it's going on and how he will address it. You both need to end that conversation with a clear action plan, or a date to sit down asap and make an action plan. Good luck.

I’m a bit shock at the kids thinking they can jettison family members. The heating is ridiculous but so is your response to it.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis what about OPs response was ridiculous, that she dared to put the heating back on?

If he is happy going out with friends are you sure he isn’t having an affair?

PutyourtoponTrevor: what about OPs response was ridiculous, that she dared to put the heating back on?

But I think OP only put it back on whilst he was out, and switched it off again before he came back so as not to have to deal with the argument. Surely this is not a great way to deal with the situation. (Unless I misread the OP.)

i suggest you both find ways that he can bond with his dc. you go and leave them to it.

He isn't a loving father. If he's got three kids, one of whom teenage, and has never bothered his arse with them then he isn't going to now.

Can you imagine ignoring your kids and not giving a shit about their daily lives? If course not, because your kids are the most important people in the world to you.

But to him, they're just an annoyance. That's who he is. I don't see how any therapist could ever change that.

OP I'd suggest you have some clear things that have to change when you talk tonight.

If he refuses to listen or take on board what you're saying I think he should go and stay at a mates until he is willing to really engage.

The fact that all three kids are saying this is as another poster said, really unusual. In almost all cases kids want patents to stay together even if one is horrible/useless. Listen to your kids, take care and good luck.

It hasn’t always been like this, I’d say it started when youngest was born and has slowly got worse over the years. I personally found life very tough when youngest born.

I’ve just spoken cepto youngest about last night pin

No that she put it back on and turned it off before he came home. I’m not sure anything suggests she is scared of him. To me it reads more like she can’t be bothered to engage with him. It’s childlike and petty. Confront him and have the discussion until you are both happy with the result. It sounds more like OP is ganging up with the children and everyone is behaving ridiculously.

I wouldn’t break up a family without at least trying to fix things.

No idea what happened with above but it should say... I’ve just spoken to youngest about last night, they said they’d be really sad if Dad didn’t live with us but they hate it when he shouts.

I’m not scared at all, just pointless having a row about heating.

Could he be depressed?

You need to get to the bottom of why he behaves like this before having a frank conversation with your kids and drawing boundaries at their involvement in your marriage.

I grew up with a depressed parent and I would not have been allowed to question their (unreasonable) behaviour. I only learnt about their mental health as an adult. It was tough at times grewing up but as an adult i understand and am full of love for what both parents went through to keep us together.

For whatever reason your children are crossing the line. They don't get on with him right now and are trying to call the shots.

Difficult without knowing the full situation. They could be desperately unhappy or really worried about you and your happiness?

Or they could be children playing parents off against each other to get what they think they want (with no understanding of the real repercussions of separation).

If you love him and want to stay with him you need to address his problems but make it clear to the children that they will not be crossing the line again. I would have serious concerns about a 12 year old who thinks they can tell a parent to kick another parent out because they don't get on with their dad. It is your home. Your marriage and they are your relationship problems to address.

This doesn't mean your marriage doesn't need outside help but it is not healthy for children to think they can and should give you advice, if it is nothing more than 'not getting on'.

He is agressive. You are completely passive.
You said two things:

1. He's a lovely man
2. the heating, I turned it on as I was cold. He turned it off at the mains so I couldn’t put it on today. I’m not stupid. I’ve turned it back on the mains. I will however, turn it off as it was before he comes home to avoid him getting arsy.

He's abusing you and you are treating it like it's some game over the heating. You are minimising this behaviour. You are afraid of him. You are curbing your behaviour and keeping your house cold in order to avoid conflict. He's shunning you and the kids. But no one is calling him on that behaviour. You only confront him 'on behalf' of the children. But you'd take his shit all day long yourself to avoid confrontation or even Communication that might threaten this relationship. You are now using the kids as an emotional shield by saying 'they want him out'. Look what you've called the Title of your thread. Kids want their Dad out. That's handy isn't it? Tell the fucker he's not welcome in the house if he behaves likes this. Tell him YOU are not taking this from him anymore. Tell him sort your shit out or get out. But stop trying to put this on the kids, because then he's abusing you and then you try to make the kids do your dirty work for you.

The heating thing sounds like she's been worn down by her husband and just wants to avoid a confrontation. The action of her husband of turning the heating off at the mains is childish and petty! I can't believe that's being ignored and accepted as a reasonable! Why didn't he have a discussion about it?

As a child, i really disliked my father. I don't know when it began, i have no memories of liking him and then not; i always did and it was common knowledge in my extended family that this was the case. There were reasons. I said similar things to my mother- leave him; but she didn't ( where would she go? How would we live was the response).

For a while i felt sorry for her, trapped, overworked (someone had to pay the bills), living with a selfish twat, having to live with the fallout of his behaviour constantly. But, still she stayed. I left home as soon as possible to get away.

I have a tenuous relationship with my father as an adult, my relationship with my mother is not as close either because i cant get over that she chose to stay with him even when children were all adults and left. She has basically tacitly approved his behaviour and still is-i cant get past that.

What i wanted to say is, listen to your children- why do they feel the way they do? What is your husband really like- through a child's eyes? Has he always been this way, have the children said this for a long, or is it recent?

It is very unusual for children to say these things and mean it, so if they mean it you need to get to the bottom of it.

this will stay with your children into adulthood- the memories of him and his behaviour in their childhood , and the memory of you and the choices you made. And it is likely to affect their adult relationship with him and with you , for better or for worse.

It sounds like he just doesn't have very much grit, much moral fibre
That's ok we're all different some people are stronger than others but he's a drain on all of you, he doesn't pull his weight, he's a passenger isn't he?

I would never, ever use my kids. When I talk to him tonight, it will be what I think not them.

Do you actually know he’s out with friends? What about an OW?