Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids want their Dad to leave home!

291 replies

Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 09:26

I’m prepared to get majorly abused about this...
My children are 12,10,8. They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
My husband works hard/long hours and is always tired, he has isolated himself from our family. He never comes out with us, yet socialises a lot with his friends at weekends. They see him as lazy, moody and mean. He clashes constantly with our eldest and he has told me that he loves her but doesn’t like her very much. I have a list of complaints about my husband, but when I think about asking him to leave I really don’t want him too. How can I restore our family or is it too late if the children really don’t like him. He is a lovely man but seems to be lost in a cycle that isn’t what/how a family should operate.

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 15/04/2019 11:19

By asking the kids if they want him out...that's really really unfair to them. Look what you are doing. If he leaves you have made it THEIR fault while you are the innocent bystander who said 'I thought he was a lovely, lovely man. He gave me the silent treatment all day. Turned the heating off at the mains. But he's so so lovely. It's the kids though, they don't like him. So they asked me could I put him out'.

Original poster
Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 11:19

It’s a recent thing, as they get older I think they see his behaviour isn’t standard family life. As they get older, he gets worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 11:20

No I did not ask if they want him out, I had a general conversation with youngest to see how she was feeling. I would never put them in that position.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 11:21

He’s with friends, I do wish he would have an affair so it would be easier to say F off.

OP posts:
Leatherflamingle · 15/04/2019 11:22

You have reason enough
What you are describing as a reason for asking him to leave requires no justification

Original poster
Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 11:23

Seaweed42, you have misunderstood. I didn’t ask them if they wanted him out.

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 15/04/2019 11:27

I'm not saying you are using your kids in a conscious way, I know you'd never do that. I'm a serial conflict avoider too, so I know one when I see one. I'm on your side @confusedadult. It's because he make you feel like a child. That's what's happening. That's why you feel so helpless and like one of the kids. Your user name says it too 'confused adult'....because he's the Angry Dad and you are the helpless daughter.
Your own attachment dynamic is coming into play here. So it's not going to be easy for you. But you have to take a stand on behalf of yourself love. You'll have to find your Adult power to state your case from your own perspective.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 15/04/2019 11:27

He sounds awful. And abusive ... he turns the heating off at the mains because to hell with you and the children?!? Wow.

MyFavouriteDress1 · 15/04/2019 11:28

I do wish he would have an affair so it would be easier to say F off That says it all! You do not want to be in that marriage so end it. It would be better for everyone. You are not responsible for his happiness and you aren't making him happy anyway. The environment you are all living in is toxic. Move on.

IvanaPee · 15/04/2019 11:29

i suggest you both find ways that he can bond with his dc. you go and leave them to it.

Jesus! Please don’t do this.

IvanaPee · 15/04/2019 11:31

I do wish he would have an affair so it would be easier to say F off

You don’t need him to have an affair. You’re allowed to end the marriage for whatever reason you choose.

You’re allowed to end it because your youngest is 8 and it started when he/she was born.

That means he’s been this nasty, shouting bastard for that child’s WHOLE life.

cuppycakey · 15/04/2019 11:32

He’s with friends, I do wish he would have an affair so it would be easier to say F off.

Why is this the only deal breaker? Confused

Do you really not get that the fact he is abusive is enough reason? The fact you are unhappy is enough reason? The fact he has checked out of family life and is making yoru DC unhappy is enough reason?

You sound very passive. Someone has to stand up for your children.

DarlingNikita · 15/04/2019 11:34

I actually think it’s me. I think appear so in control he just feels redundant.

No no no no no no no. You DO NOT blame yourself. You DO NOT look for reasons why he might be behaving like this in your own actions.

He is a competent adult with work and friends. He CAN function and behave like one. He just chooses not to when he's with you and the DC. That is HIS problem to sort out.

justarandomtricycle · 15/04/2019 11:36

Build bridges. Strengthen bonds - you will know how to do this better than us because you know your family. Explain to your children that there are more ways to care about and look after them than being a fantastic and entertaining person to be around, but also resolve to fix this. Explain to your husband that he needs to bond with his children because there is an ever widening distance and/or encourage bonding by subterfuge, again you will know which is best.

Most of all, are you able to reconnect in your relationship, perhaps in small ways at first? You may need to directly say this needs to happen.

GummyGoddess · 15/04/2019 11:36

Surely it's a good enough reason that you want your children's memories of their childhood to be funny and happy? Not that they were miserable and shouted at all the time.

Butterymuffin · 15/04/2019 11:39

I actually think it’s me. I think appear so in control he just feels redundant.

Stop blaming yourself and your kids for what he does. You seem desperate to excuse his bad behaviour, at their expense.

Springwalk · 15/04/2019 11:41

You have just described my father.

I had an awful relationship with him, he was awful to my mother as well, and she was his skivvy pretty much. Once I was old enough to realise he didn't HAVE to live there, I pleaded with my mother to leave him. She didn't for a guess the same reason as you.

This is doing untold damage to your children, why is this ever okay to make them suffer like this?

Why are you still with him op? Our house was happy, peaceful and cheerful when my father wasn't there, the minute he came home it was a living hell for all of us (My father physically hit us as well) but I longed for him to leave for years and years.

A word of warning op, things will get much much worse when your dc hit their teenage years. The worst is yet to come.

Give dh a month to turn things around, tell him clearly the consequences if he fails to do this. If he can not make any changes and refuses to stop abusing your children by yelling and shouting all of the time, then I don't know why you would even consider staying.

What he is doing is really not okay, and I suspect you have got used to it, but that doesn't mean it should continue.

I am nc with both my parents now (my df for making my childhood a misery, and my dm for standing by and doing nothing to protect me) Don't end up losing your kids to stay with someone like him. He is a bully.

Lilymossflower · 15/04/2019 11:49

Get rid of the twat, straight up.

No dossing around waiting for change, people don't change.

Twat. Out. Now

TarragonSauce · 15/04/2019 11:50

I typed a lovely understanding reply and then went off to stir something on the stove. When I came back you had added your post about the heating.
That's totally changed my opinion actually.
He's an arse. He either shapes up or ships out. NOBODY who wishes to live as part of my family, in my household would ever get away with a shit stunt like that.
DH had a load of problems adjusting to life with dc beyond the baby stage. He had never been anywhere near a baby or child until he had his own, he was totally befuddled by the whole thing. This has been the case throughout and has been especially difficult for him with teenage daughter as the only females he's ever really known are his mum and me. He had no idea how to talk to, interact, play with, discipline, counsel kids. But he desperately wanted to and he really tried though sometimes it was disastrous and it's worked. DC are grown up now and have a great relationship with their dad.

But turn the heating off at the mains so the family couldn't put it on in his absence. Nah.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 15/04/2019 11:52

just pointless having a row about heating.
Is it? Why? It’s perfectly normal to say, “don’t turn the heating off, I want it on”. I turn my heating off at the boiler, it would never occur to me to do it any other way. Why do you think he did this because he didn’t think you were clever enough to turn it back on?Confused. Surely you know the central heating system in your own house?

What happens if you say “can you stay home with us rather than go out so much with your friends?”

Squeegle · 15/04/2019 11:53

OP, turn the tables round; pretend you are him; you have had a hard day at work; you’re watching the tv in the other room; you hear the kids say they would be happier if you left. What do you do about it? I think you are not treating him as an adult, you are treating him as a patient. Personally I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who treated me or the kids like this

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 15/04/2019 11:54

Nb I’m assuming “turning the heating off at the mains” means switching it to just hot water, not disconnecting the boiler.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2019 11:54

@confusedadult

I'm sad and confused as to why so many posters seem to say LTB without even trying.

As a family, you need help.

I don't condone ending a marriage when there are kids without trying- and I know you aren't at fault.

But as a family, you need help. There are organisations where you can get help- yes, it's parent /family coaching, but there are some great options out there for parents of teens. Your DH should access these if he wants to save his relationship with you and his DCs.

Ok, you might have to suggest this and show him the way forward, but that might be better in the long term than breaking up your family.

Yes, teens say they want their dad to leave, but teens are very good at saying things like this, hating one parent or the other, playing them off against each other.. it's what teens do.

You don't have to do what your children say and in some ways it's passing the buck to act on their wishes. YOU are the adult and you have the chance to change things.

You need to sit down with your DH and explain very calmly how bad things are, and that you will split if he does nothing to change.

At least give him the option, but make it a proper grown up conversation, not a threat or a shouting match.

DistanceCall · 15/04/2019 11:55

Look, you don't have to kick your husband out because your children say so (and, as you rightly point out, this could make them feel guilty now and in the future). But your family has a SERIOUS problem. Your children hate their father, and no wonder - just the way he ignores them would make any child feel unwanted and unloved, which is soul-destroying. If you add the ridiculous discipline and the meanness (and he IS mean - that business with the heating is awful), you really can't be surprised that they want him out.

I don't think you, or him, can solve this on your own. You need help.

Find a good therapist ASAP, possibly for the whole family, for you as a couple, and for him individually.

kaytee87 · 15/04/2019 11:55

Why on Earth is he out drinking with his friends all weekend? If he's feeling happier at the weekend then he should've prioritising quality time with his family then to make up for during the week.
How many hours does he actually work and what's his commute like?