Kids want their Dad to leave home!

[Confusedadult]

I’m prepared to get majorly abused about this...
My children are 12,10,8. They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
My husband works hard/long hours and is always tired, he has isolated himself from our family. He never comes out with us, yet socialises a lot with his friends at weekends. They see him as lazy, moody and mean. He clashes constantly with our eldest and he has told me that he loves her but doesn’t like her very much. I have a list of complaints about my husband, but when I think about asking him to leave I really don’t want him too. How can I restore our family or is it too late if the children really don’t like him. He is a lovely man but seems to be lost in a cycle that isn’t what/how a family should operate.

[Confusedadult]

2 girls 1 boy. I think he’s blocking it all out and hopes it will “just” go away. I wouldn’t give up on my marriage on my children’s day so. I think he’s struggling to cope with family life and maybe depressed or something. He buries his head in the sand, he knows his relationships are going South but knowing him he will think it will be ok. I want him to stay, I love him very much, but my children’s well being and mental health comes first and foremost.

[Leatherflamingle]

Who works?
You or him or both?

[HoraceCope]

book a holiday op

[Leatherflamingle]

Without the husband

[Timewarpdancer]

Living with a misery guts and growing up walking on eggshells is a horrible way to live and will affect your children.
It’s time for a frank discussion.

[DrawingLife]

That must be very sad and difficult for you. Could you talk to him about his life pattern? It sounds a bit like he's got into a rut, he can't be happy with the situation himself. Maybe there needs to be a shake-up of work/life balance so he has time to unwind as well as be available properly to be with the kids?
I get that probably you don't get much time to yourself either, but that isolation you speak of could be part of a vicious cycle where he can't manage a positive interaction, then avoids it next time, which makes it harder to try next time etc. Family therapy sounds like a good idea.

[TheFaerieQueene]

He isn’t isolating himself from his friends though, is he?

[PutyourtoponTrevor]

I wouldn’t give up on my marriage on my children’s day so but then you say my children’s well being and mental health comes first and foremost

Your children aren't being put first though, if it has come to the point where they don't want him around, it's not happened overnight

[Confusedadult]

He works long hours and when he’s home he’s lazy. You can be both! I’ve cut some slack because he works long hours but it’s got worse. He literally does nothing but watch tv away from us in another room. We both work. I’m basically a single working parent.

[finn1020]

He can’t be that lovely. And there’s nothing you can do to change his behaviour. He has to be responsible for himself and if he’s happy - or doesn’t care - with how things are going and what his kids think of him and how he interacts with everyone- he won’t change. Bear in mind they are learning how a relationship works and making their own judgements of you, and him, and may consciously or unconsciously mirror that in their adult lives. Is that what you want for them, even though it seems you’ll put up with it for you?

[HoraceCope]

he needs to reduce his socialising with friends and spend time as a family.

[Confusedadult]

DrawingLife I think it’s an unhealthy cycle we have all got into and I hold myself accountable for not raising issues and eradicating them as soon as they happened. I’ve just got on with it and then realised it’s all got out of control. I will speak to him tonight.

[eddielizzard]

I don't see what YOU can do. HE has to want to spend time with his children. There's no such thing as quality time, just time and effort. He needs to be around them, and love and enjoy them. Not in another room watching tv. That requires absolutely no effort at all. He has to want to be a parent, or it is the end of your marriage. The ball's in his court, not yours.

[crimsonlake]

How many times do we have to read of issues.... but then it is always backed up with ' he's a lovely man ????' No he is not or you would not be posting on here.

[stucknoue]

Try family therapy, if it doesn't work I would listen to your kids, I was in similar circumstances and defended h, he's now decided he wants to leave - I would have been far better off if he had gone years ago as I would have been young enough to start again

[NaturatintGoldenChestnut]

Why do people who are with utter cockwombles always refer to them as lovely or a good dad or other shite like that?

[eddielizzard]

And actually, who gives a fuck if he's hurt by what they say? He's doing active harm to his kids by being so disinterested. He's a totally crap parent. He has to want this to change.

[pumpkinpie01]

He sounds very much like my ex husband. Works lots of hours so thinks that justifies doing nothing around the house, too tired/cant be bothered for family days out, shouts at the kids as has no patience. Its not a nice environment for kids to be brought up in, what are you getting out of the marriage apart from the financial benefit ?

[Springisallaround]

Is he their biological dad? Bit confused.

I do think in addition to him not being a great involved parent, that children can sometimes gang up in these scenarios, it's a kind of scapegoating in the family and all their frustrations/anger (which are not always to do with the actual person) become projected onto them- life would be better if they weren't there.

Would family therapy help? Or getting them to see his contribution (so presumably he doe work v hard to pay for the household). What would he say if you challenged him about this?

[Leatherflamingle]

Can you give examples of his behaviour.
What does he do?
Moan? Shout?
Make unreasonable requests or enforce a daft level of discipline?
Moan about housework?
Cause arguments?

[HollowTalk]

I think when it comes to the point where the children want their dad to leave home, he should. Usually children don't want that to happen - they must really dislike him to want him to go.

[Confusedadult]

Their mental health and well being is my priority but they cannot be, or think they are the decision makers in whether my husband leaves. That would in itself be a burden on their mental health, which would also effect them in years to come.

[GummyGoddess]

He would rather spend time with his friends than his children, it isn't surprising they don't like him as they know he cares more about his friends.

He either needs to make them the priority and go out less or he needs to leave sadly. If he doesn't care enough to make your children happy, what can redeem him?

[Springisallaround]

I do agree that he sounds lazy and not lovely though.

[TatianaLarina]

He’s the only one who can fix this.