Kids want their Dad to leave home!

[Confusedadult]

I’m prepared to get majorly abused about this...
My children are 12,10,8. They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
My husband works hard/long hours and is always tired, he has isolated himself from our family. He never comes out with us, yet socialises a lot with his friends at weekends. They see him as lazy, moody and mean. He clashes constantly with our eldest and he has told me that he loves her but doesn’t like her very much. I have a list of complaints about my husband, but when I think about asking him to leave I really don’t want him too. How can I restore our family or is it too late if the children really don’t like him. He is a lovely man but seems to be lost in a cycle that isn’t what/how a family should operate.

Listen to your kids. Kick him out.

Book family therapy
You need professional help.

Estrangement between parents and adult children is on the rise, I'm in my 50s, long-term estranged from one parent and things are very distant with the other parent, I feel that my parents generation are the unwitting vanguards of this shift, children who no longer have unconditional loyalty to their parents and therefore parents who truly reap what they sow

Family therapy doesn't have to mean all in same room ...dc might need sessions on their own

Do you love him and will love your family to be together? Reading your update, it seems you understand a bit of how he may be feeling - hurt inside. Sometimes we get into a cycle and don't know how to break out of. Check with him - Is he under pressure at work to perform or deliver projects/tasks? If it helps, talk to him - empathising with him and letting him know how the kids feel and what they will like to see from him. Try to encourage 1-1 days/activities/outings with him and each child - you will need to encourage him and insist on this.

When I was growing up, we (4 of us at least) wished our Dad was away more often because he was the disciplinarian and we had to behave, we felt our freedom was curbed. He didn't, we grew up, and now with our Mom dead, we really appreciate him and grown closer too ...; Nowadays I see my kids doing the same - the happy smile when their Dad is off to work (he gets more out of them than me - getting homework done, setting boundaries, not watching TV/playing on PS4 all day etc.) - my youngest knows if he whines enough, i'll cave in, they know I'm the weak one.

Be logical and objective about it all..., don't let your emotions rule. If he's under pressure at work, talk to your kids too about this. If he's dealing with something that's causing him to withdraw and react, talk to them too about this. Let them know its not normal and he doesn't hate them - just the stress/pressure of life. Hope it all turns out well for your family.

So he is abusive (turning the heating off is a biggy, despite what you may think, Women's Aid would be horrified), lazy and selfish but you still love him?

Or are you just frightened of actually being alone? He isnt likely to take a split very well is he? Are you scared of him? It sounds like you are.

For the sake of your children you MUST get rid of this horrible man. Frankly right now, you are looking at your later years with none of your kids seeing you. Of them going NC, including with any grandchildren, because their childhood's were utterly miserable and you did NOTHING to stop it.

Who could blame them?

It's your kids or your husband.

Choose.

@JinglingHellsBells

No therapist would agree to treat them both once they became aware of abuse. Abusers will use therapy as a way to abuse their partners further, this is a fact. And yes I do have experience of that.

So if he was cheating OP you'd tell him to f off, but because he's only making your kids lives miserable... You wont 🤷

Says it all really.
Get a backbone. Your kids are hurting.

@Tomi4Star your post is total nonsense. Totally taking responsibility off the father and placing all responsibility for his poor relations with his children onto the OP. With some deeply sexist undertones as well.

When does this man become responsible for his own behaviour and attitude? Why does the OP have to basically parent him as well as her children?

Sorry but your kids should come first, if they are saying they want him to leave then there is something seriously wrong. Do you really want them to grow up feeling they had to live with someone who treated them badly and you did nothing to put a stop to it?

Your dh doesn’t sound lovely, he doesn’t sound like a good parent. My ex husband was similar, never took part in any family activities, was either at work or being lazy, rarely did anything with the dc’s. I kicked him out when my dc’s were 9 and 11, my kids are now a lot more relaxed, they see their dad once a week and he still does nothing with them, they have little respect for him.

Check with him - Is he under pressure at work to perform or deliver projects/tasks?

It doesn't seem to affect his relationship with friends, though. Odd.

I question some of the knee jerk ltbs here.

So if unbeknownst to you, your children told someone they didn't want you around, and it was all essentially behaviours you needed to change, that wouldn't be a tragedy you would want to know about and try to fix? You'd like the solution to be just fuck you ltb?

I don't believe many people would do that, and any adult would be horrified if they weren't outright told about this so they could decide to change, rather than losing their kids.

He knows! He's just ignoring it.

Having a parent lose their temper is very disempowering as a child because you don't have the power, control or authority to say its unacceptable. So you either feel bad about yourself or lash out to others.

@StoppingBy as PP said, you’ve misunderstood something in my post. I have never and would never advocate involving children.

@Jingling with all due respect you have no clue what you’re talking about. You really don’t.

Yes, I have experience professionally.

No, my posts have nothing to do with my own parenting (and it’s odd that you would jump to that conclusion).

And yes, abusers do use therapy sessions to continue the cycle of abuse.

Any decent counsellor will refuse to treat a couple/family where there is a history of abuse. Individual sessions, yes.

But this family doesn’t need a parenting course.

This abuser needs to do some serious work. And it’s my belief, based on what I know, that this is best done away from the family home.

Why you don't go to couples (or family) therapy with an abuser:

pro.psychcentral.com/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships/

Leaving would probably give him the kick up the arse he needs to change/step up.

If that doesn't do it then you're free anyway, so win-win.

Hi
I couldn't read and run, you sound so down trodden I hurt for you when I read this. You love your husband you have accepted this life however as your children have gotten older and may be seeing other friends family dynamics are wondering why doesn't their dad tuck them in and night or stay home and have fun at home on the weekend.
In truth yes they would be sad if it happened but they would accept it. You are correct children shouldn't dictate if a parent stays or leaves but you need to make sure if you don't kick him out that things change.
Children need love and cuddles I'm 32 and I still love it when my mum says love you and gives me a cuddle so it never fades.
My dad is my hero he worked so hard for me 7 days a week for years.
I was a pain in the bum as a baby I didn't sleep so one night mum would have me the next my dad.
Dad always made sure he did everything he could for me.
So remember your children's happiness comes first. Sit him down and say look things have to change and if they don't I think we need to separate. You sound like a single parent anyway it would be one less mouth to feed and less washing.

Only he can change himself. Good luck and give those sweet children lots of love.

OP...it's really easy to excuse/justify this kind of behaviour. I did it with my own XH on and off for years. He was quite similar to yours, also capable of being really lovely at times, and I felt that a lot of his issues were connected to his relationship with his, quite frankly bonkers, mother.

His behaviour stared impacting on DD when she was about 11 and I left shortly before turned 12.

We're now a few years down the line and happily settled in a new home where I can have the heating on whenever I want (my XH had Hive installed and refused to give me the password).

The bottom line is, even if there are reasons behind his behaviour, if he is unwilling to acknowledge them and change, you have to put yourself and your kids first instead of making excuses.

I still occasionally get nostalgic for the good bits with my XH, and life is tough sometimes as a lone parent, but I have never regretted my decision to leave.

My DH works all hours and has isolated himself quite a lot over a number of years. I often think about giving him the heave-ho but I know my kids adore him, and I do too actually. But this leads me on to say that if your kids truely and sincerely feel that life would be better and happier without him then he must be really really shit to have around. It's your marriage of course and not the kids, but they are young and he's clearly making everyone's lives pretty bloody miserable. Maybe suggest a 3 month window of couples therapy and then if no change a separation plan. At least then this situation has a finite end in sight to it.

@IvanaPee
I'm not sure what your claim 'I have experience professionally' means. Are you psychologist or BACP counsellor? Otherwise, I'm not prepared to be lectured at and told I know nothing. You are very rude and also ...my comments were not solely at you (about personal experiences of parents) they were for many other posters.

You have no idea of my training and background.

'Abuse' can be subjective to a degree because we only have one person's account which may be true, exaggerated or downright lies. Who knows, and there is no way anyone reading posts on a forum can get the whole picture. Yes, this man may be abusive, or no he may not.

FWIW I had a very close friend whose DH might to the outside world appeared abusive at times . They had therapy at the renowned Tavistock Centre as well as elsewhere, both together and as individuals.

To dismiss parent coaching or help similar to that is truly mind boggling, not to say arrogant.

"... growing up walking on eggshells is a horrible way to live and will affect your children."

^This. Oh, so much, this^.

Perhaps you need to spell it out to your husband that he is hurting his children with his behaviour/attitude. Ask him if he understands that 12, 10 and 8 are still very young ages - and that his daughters actively need him to show them what not to end up dating/married to when they're older. That his son needs him to be a decent man, husband and father so that he can model himself on that example when he, too, is older. Tell him that they hate living with the atmosphere which he creates... that you aren't a fan of it, either.

Of course you shouldn't give up on a marriage at the (hopefully temporary) say-so of children... but you should listen to them, and understand why they feel the way they do about their father

I grew up with a father who spent long periods of time away from home - and there were times whenhe and my mother made family life absolutely miserable. But overall? My Dad made time for me, as his only daughter. Even when I hit puberty and became argumentative, as I think we all do when hormones first start to swirl around, I always knew that my Dad loved me. We still spent time together without my mother or my brothers around. Even now that I'm an aged parent myself, my Dad and I still make time for one another. Conversely, I don't have a relationship with my mother, for various reasons. Primarily, though? Because she was the one who made our home-life hellish, with moody and deliberately mean behaviour... Not one of my mother's 3 children have anything to do with her. My brothers went NC years ago, and I have very recently. The relief of not having a constant feeling of dread hanging over me, is actually immense.

Your husband needs, desperately, to work on his relationship with your children, OP, before he actually loses them. Fairly soon, they'll be old enough to vote with their feet - and whilst they'll probably continue to have a relationship with you, they may well choose not to, because of your husband, I'm afraid.

Jingly, you asked me if I had experience or if I was repeating something I’d read online so I clarified.

It’s not rude to tell you that I do actually know what I’m talking about, and that ignorance around abuse is dangerous. Because it is.

I’m not sure who you think you’re helping. Certainly not the OP, IMO.

FWIW I had a very close friend whose DH might to the outside world appeared abusive at times . They had therapy at the renowned Tavistock Centre as well as elsewhere, both together and as individuals.

With all due respect, so what? Are you saying you know what you’re talking about because you had a friend once who had therapy with her husband? Because I can’t for the life of me understand why you posted this otherwise.

On the off-chance that that is the reason, I will say this; your friend’s situation has precisely nothing to do with OP. But well done to her for having therapy at the renowned Tavistock Centre.

Anyway, you’re derailing so I’m done with you. The OP needs help and advice. Not people arguing amongst themselves.

He sounds unpleasant but not abusive. He is their father and has an equal right to parent them it is not in your gift to stop him from being involved. To be 100% fair to him he is working long hours you need to speak to him and explain to him the kids feelings to him and explain how miserable his behaviour is making everyone. You can’t just kick him out as it is his home and presumably he contributes to the upkeep of the home. You need to have a heart to heart and then along with the kids you need to agree a way forward that works for everyone. This may involve him setting aside a set amount of family time per week and him looking for a different job.