Kids want their Dad to leave home!

[Confusedadult]

I’m prepared to get majorly abused about this...
My children are 12,10,8. They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
My husband works hard/long hours and is always tired, he has isolated himself from our family. He never comes out with us, yet socialises a lot with his friends at weekends. They see him as lazy, moody and mean. He clashes constantly with our eldest and he has told me that he loves her but doesn’t like her very much. I have a list of complaints about my husband, but when I think about asking him to leave I really don’t want him too. How can I restore our family or is it too late if the children really don’t like him. He is a lovely man but seems to be lost in a cycle that isn’t what/how a family should operate.

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

or failing the above advice you can carry on burying your head in the sand and between you both keep destroying your kids.....

[Romax]

The OP posted 3 days ago.

Unbelievable the number saying she would up sticks and leave without her actually implementing a decent plan to see if he changes.

You’re right OP. Give it a shot now all out in the open. If nothing changes after a couple months then you can leave knowing you really did give it a good go but he cocked it up

[Belenus]

His personality and his choices are your responsibility, how? It’s not possible to police another adult.

This. Please don't be dismissive of what's happened here and why you originally posted. Just keep your mind open to other possibilities.

[Sakura7]

OP you can dismiss the posters who are recognising your situation for what it is, and taking time to post here in order to help you, or you can keep living in denial. You say your DH buries his head in the sand but so are you by the sound of your posts.

Your DH is a dick. You can't fix him, change his behaviour or convince him to change his personality. It has to come from him, but that doesn't sound likely from what you've described.

You are an enabler, and if you fail to have your children's backs against this man, don't be surprised if they pull away from you when they get older.

[Inamadrush]

I always remember as a child wishing my parents would split up as did my siblings. My dad passed away when I was seventeen and I have only had sporadic contact with my mum for the past thirty years, as have my siblings. We were damaged by it all and I put off having children for a long time as I was scared I'd be a terrible parent. I had children eventually though. You need to end the marriage otherwise your children might never forgive you.

[Louloulovesyou]

Your children must not feel that he values them at all. I can only imagine how that will affect them in the future. You need to get marriage/family counselling and if he refuses he obviously doesn't want to be a family and you are best off without.

[user1471590586]

Really not a nice reply to people who were only trying to help. People only have what you told them to go on, and offered advice accordingly, which you now seem to be angry about.

[TatianaLarina]

most people on here accuse everyone of being abusers and most women of being abused or spineless doormats!

That’s not true and you know it.

I have many faults, mainly, letting him get away with being a lazy shit for so long

His personality and his choices are your responsibility, how? It’s not possible to police another adult.

[Quartz2208]

Interesting choice of words don’t really want him to leave

Means maybe that you talked them into being ok with it

OP I hope he changes and if he doesn’t I hope you see it for what others see in your posts

[BingandFlop2019]

If you don't want people to think you're being abused then mentioning him turning the heating off AT THE MAINS (thinking you wouldn't know how to switch it back on), whilst he's at work - wasn't really the best think to do.... Just pointing that out

[Longdistance]

Op, you have three very wise dc there, listen to them...

[Wolfiefan]

Hugely different from your OP. He won’t change. He keep “clashing” with the kids and the atmosphere at home won’t change. Not if you minimise how much his behaviour affects the family.

[leatherflamingle]

A lot of women recognise what you’re going through as warning signs of worse to come (because they’ve experienced it).
That’s why people post, generally.

[leatherflamingle]

Hmmm that’s a bit of a shitty little skit against women that were trying to help you isn’t it?
Your husband turned the heating off at the mains so you couldn’t stay warm in your own home.
It’s hardly normal.

[colouringinpro]

Good to hear you're fine, hope the situation improves, best wishes.

[Confusedadult]

I am fine thank you @colouringinpro. I don’t know why I posted on here really, most people on here accuse everyone of being abusers and most women of being abused or spineless doormats! I have spoken to each child individually and together to find out how they feel. They love their Dad and don’t really want him to leave. I have spoken to him and he’s going to make an effort, we will see... he really is not a bad man, I’m no pushover and I’m not being abused. I have many faults, mainly, letting him get away with being a lazy shit for so long. I posted more to get advice from anyone who has been in the same or similar situation. Thank you to everyone who posted replies.

[colouringinpro]

Hi OP how are you doing? Did you manage to speak with your other half? Hope you're ok.

[Jiggles101]

FWIW I've just done a couples therapy training course at the Tavistock through work.

They don't counsel couples where there is abuse, but their definition of abuse would probably be looser than most of Mumsnets.

[Dillydallyingthrough]

OP not sure if your still reading. But I think first of all you need to work out if you want to stay in your marriage. If you are unhappy, you do not need to wait for an affair, you can end it now. If you do want to work on your marriage, as a partnership I would suggest you work through this, via a GP if it's depression or counselling if it's emotional/childhood issues.

You mention he goes out with his friends - is this every weekend? All day? What is he doing whilst he is out?

Your children asking for him to leave is very unusual, I do wonder if they're feeling they need to protect you or if they have picked up some of your feelings.

Good luck OP you sound really worn down and in need of support, hopefully the harsher posts on here have not upset you but maybe given you a bit of wake up call or given you things to think about.

[SandyY2K]

For all of you who experienced this as children... thanks for posting your stories. I'm sure it brings back unpleasant memories.

I really hope the OP and others in her situation pay close attention to what you've said....and how it affected you and impacted on who you are as a person.

[CalleighDoodle]

lazy, moody, mean, always shouts, says he doesnt like his daughter, spends no time with his children and spends his spare time instead with his friends...

that was your FIRST TWO POSTS

poor kids.

[BurrSir]

My dad is horrid. Being around him is horrid. He hardly works and wastes all my mum’s money on his own hobby. He causes endless problems and arguments and every minute spent with him feels tense as you don’t want to say the wrong thing. He hasn’t ever been remotely interested in us. My mum openly resents him. She knows me and my sister don’t like him but even when she had the chance to end it she didn’t.

[Frequency]

I was desperate for my mother to leave my father. She never would so I left at the earliest opportunity which was when I was 16 and moved in with my twenty-seven year old boyfriend who pushed me into leaving college to work fulltime in a hotel kitchen.

[ghostmouse]

Have a long talk with him, give him an ultimatum and then if things dont improve kick him out.

I was in a very similar situation last year and it affected my children badly. Couldn't do it anymore and I told him he had to go

We are a lot happier now