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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask H2B to include my DS

201 replies

Fedupb2b14 · 15/04/2019 02:16

H2B is having his DS as groomsman & hasn't considered asking my DS. Doesn't want my DS dressed the same as he's not part of the bridal party. Both children are similar age. Feels like my DS is being excluded AIBU?

OP posts:

Mediumred · 15/04/2019 02:20

Hmm, guess the groomsman is usually the groom’s brother/best mate so it’s more underlining his special relationship with his own son rather than excluding yours but I agree your DS should have a role, what about an usher? How old are the boys?

Alicewond · 15/04/2019 02:22

Depends on the ages, time known and relationships between them

GPatz · 15/04/2019 02:22

How old is DS? Can he be part of the bridal party on your side?

Poppins2016 · 15/04/2019 02:23

I'd see this as a massive red flag, sorry OP. Your son should be made to feel just as included as his step brother (to be). What is your H2Bs relationship like with your son day to day?

If I'm playing devil's advocate... Groomsmen are typically family/friends of the groom. People who are family/friends of the bride usually make up her bridal party. Could your DS be a 'bridesman' or a 'bridal usher'...?

Original poster

Fedupb2b14 · 15/04/2019 02:31

He has a brother & best mate doing it also. I initially wanted 2 bridesmaids but added a 3rd as he thought it wouldn't look right for photos etc. Both kids are 13. He also thinks my DS shouldn't be dressed the same as his groomsmen. I feel it's totally alienating my son & hes going to feel left out

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 15/04/2019 02:34

Could you have him as part of the bridal party? Have your own best man?

lborgia · 15/04/2019 02:41

I wouldn't generally be so strong on something like this, but Wtf?

You are about to amalgamated your families til death do you part, and you need an extra bridesmaid so it "doesn't look odd", AND he's more worried about a 13 yr old ruining the look of his groomsmen party, than concerned about your ds feeling included?
Red red red flags. Loads of them. Huge.

Smotheroffive · 15/04/2019 02:41

It's sounds a bit inappropriate tbh, because they're only 13.

Aren't they usually male adults?

If not, then I think he's being really quite cruel to your DS to segregate him in this way and to have no concept of why that is so cruel is concerning.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/04/2019 02:44

This man is not someone you should be marrying.

He is clearly alienating your son, airbrushing him literally out of your wedding photos!

Please, dont marry him for your son's sake.

PerspicaciaTick · 15/04/2019 02:50

No. No. No.
He clearly has no empathy, no emotional intelligence AND no intention of including your DS in his family.
I'm sure that you could get creative and come up with a fab role for your DS in the bridal party - but would you ever trust your partner to do right by your son in the future?

RainbowMum11 · 15/04/2019 02:51

This sounds awful from your DS POV - he absolutely should be as big a part of your wedding as everyone else,, he's 13 ffs.

lborgia · 15/04/2019 02:57

Oh thank God, I've come back to this thread because it was freaking me out, but I wondered if I was overreacting. I have a 13yr old, and was trying to envisage this scenario. Just awful.

PBobs · 15/04/2019 02:57

This sounds appalling. I would seriously reconsider marrying this man with an attitude like this. At 13 your DS will know exactly what is going on - there's no way to sugar coat it. And what has number of bridesmaids got to do with photos? Or your "D"H to be for that matter? He sounds mean.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 15/04/2019 02:57

I think matching numbers of attendants 'for the photos' is rather silly. You usually alternate the sexes so it isn't obvious if there is one more or less. Also, you should both ask people to be your supporters because they mean something to you, not to make up numbers. Are you having ushers, as they would traditionally come from both sides? Is it too late to forget the third bridesmaid and slot DS into your wedding party? He wears the same as the groomsmen (presumably one is a Best Man) with a different colour tie or waistcoat , to match your flowers. Or get DS to give you away, or whatever important role you can think of. You are going to want him in photos whatever.

H2B sounds a bit of a dick.

MarthasGinYard · 15/04/2019 03:00

'I initially wanted 2 bridesmaids but added a 3rd as he thought it wouldn't look right for photos etc.'

Bloody hell

Are you sure you want to marry this shallow, cruel individual?

Original poster

Fedupb2b14 · 15/04/2019 03:08

H2bs relationship is pretty good with my DS he is very good to him in fairness & would spend a considerable amount more time with my DS than his own. My DS would be fairly shy & quiet in front of so many people. I have already made it very clear as has H2B that we do not want 1 child in more pictures than the other. No ushers as of yet H2B suggested that for my DS but I don't feel that's right I think both boys should have the same role

OP posts:

Driftingthoughlife · 15/04/2019 03:09

Major red flags here op

PregnantSea · 15/04/2019 03:09

Sounds like your husband to be is really calling the shots at this wedding. Is he is so controlling in other ways, or is it just the wedding?

MidniteScribbler · 15/04/2019 03:11

I feel it's totally alienating my son & hes going to feel left out

If he's like this for the wedding, what is he going to be life when he becomes a member of your family. If you allow this to happen, you could end up with your DS wanting to live with his father, or detaching himself from your family.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/04/2019 03:13

FWIW my ex husband had my son as his best man in order to give him an important role in the wedding. We split up because we grew apart and my two eldest children still call him Dad (their own buggered off when they were very small and never saw them, his choice). They are now adults, go and see him often, buy him fathers day gifts and call his dad Grandad. He treats them the same as the children we had together.

Thats how it should be.

Blondebakingmumma · 15/04/2019 03:16

If be reconsidering marrying him tbh. I’d feel really hurt for my son in this situation. They either both have a big role, or both are left out. Can your son give you away?

Blondebakingmumma · 15/04/2019 03:17

Or at least walk you down the aisle with your father?

ittakes2 · 15/04/2019 03:54

Interesting - if you had a son and a daughter and your partner was childless - would you choose your daughter as a bridesmaid? Would you then expect H2B to have your son as a groomsman?
I completely agree your son needs to be in the wedding party. As a blended family it is so not healthy leaving one child out.
Ask him if he had two biological sons what roles would he give them. Would he give only one in a groomsman role and the other as an usher?
Its great you say he gives your son lots of time. Personally, I would delay the wedding and say lets revisit this in a year.

marylou1977 · 15/04/2019 04:04

I really like the idea of including your son on your side, with the same tux but shirt or tie and cummerbund the same color as bridesmaid dresses. It will be nice with each son standing up for their parent. Please don’t leave him out.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 15/04/2019 04:05

Have both boys as ushers

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