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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask H2B to include my DS

201 replies

Fedupb2b14 · 15/04/2019 02:16

H2B is having his DS as groomsman & hasn't considered asking my DS. Doesn't want my DS dressed the same as he's not part of the bridal party. Both children are similar age. Feels like my DS is being excluded AIBU?

OP posts:
Imadehimlikethat · 15/04/2019 08:45

@Hippywannabe sounds like you raised a batch of good boys there

@SnapesGreasyHair tbf it's easier to find lad roles in the male side. DH had a niece, I was having my niece as bridesmaid so I had his niece too. Becuase it should be one family not sides

outpinked · 15/04/2019 08:45

Already petty and controlling before you’ve even walked down the aisle. Call it off or you’ll be back on mumsnet in a year or so with worse problems.

BeansandRice · 15/04/2019 08:49

I think both boys should have the same role

You seem just as determined as your H2B that your view is the only right view.

If you’re doing things “traditionally” then groom has his friends/family looking after him, and bride has her friends/family looking after her.

Why can’t your son be a bridesmaid -or rather, brideslad? Or bridesboy?

Then you both have your DC in the bridal party, each supporting and attending to his parent. There’s a lovely symmetry about that.

TeddybearBaby · 15/04/2019 08:50

Op the level of annoyance you’re seeing is people putting themselves in your shoes and imagining their own child being treated this way. I felt it myself in my stomach, my son is 12 and I couldn’t help thinking of it being him and my blood started boiling at the thought........ I hope you don’t feel like everyone is having a go at your partner and that makes you defensive of him. I hope you trust your gut on this one because you seem to know already that it’s so so wrong. I hope it all works out x

Zebra31 · 15/04/2019 08:55

Why don’t you have your DS as a Bridesman? Problem solved?

BertrandRussell · 15/04/2019 08:57

Well, problem not solves if the mad doesn’t want him dressed like the bridal party.....

murmuration · 15/04/2019 08:58

American here. Not sure if the OP is American or just using the imported terms, but if her H2B is suggesting an Usher in addition to Groomsmen, some info: in an American wedding, a Groomsman walks down the aisle and stands at the front during the whole ceremony. There is also a role called an Usher: these people wait at the back of venue and literally usher guests to their seats. Definitely not a task for a shy boy (unless her prefers 1-on-1 to standing quietly up front).

OP, I think the big issue is: Doesn't want my DS dressed the same as he's not part of the bridal party. You need to find a role for your DS so that he is part of the bridal party. Bridesman sounds perfect, but anything you sort. He just needs to have an equivalent role - fine to be attached to you instead of of H2B, but he really should be part of the bridal party if his step brother is. If you make him an Usher, you need to them make all your Ushers part of the bridal party too.

Bookworm4 · 15/04/2019 09:04

OP
Have you asked your DP why he's excluding your son? Have you pointed out he is being an arsehole?

MrsWidgerysLodger · 15/04/2019 09:04

Hi Op. I agree with a lot of what has been said here. I think you need to include him on your side, maybe as a ring bearer or bridesman. You absolutely need to put your foot down about him being dressed the same as the bridal party or he will feel left out and marginalised, like he's not been included. Has your DH2be said what the issue is with him being dressed to match?

CalleighDoodle · 15/04/2019 09:07

get him the same suit as the 'groomsmen'.
have him walk someone down the aisle.
give him a reading to do.

and marry someone else...

pictish · 15/04/2019 09:08

I don't like this...and the bit that stands out to me is that your h2b doesn't want your son dressed the same as the groomsmen which includes his own son.

It is an opportunity to present either a united family front or a clear distinction, in a basic visual sense isn't it?

What bothers me further is that he is taking this stand on your very wedding day. It could be construed as pointed, both to you and your collective family and friends. He's drawing his line in the sand from the word go.

I understand he wants his own lad in a more prominent role and think that's probably ok. Not keen on the insistence that yours not be dressed like him and his though. Not very friendly is it?

I'm going to call wanker. Proceed with caution.

cockadoodledooooo · 15/04/2019 09:09

I wouldn't even be marrying this man unless he treated both DS the same. His attitude towards your DS is unforgivable. Of course he is part of the bridal party.

Dvg · 15/04/2019 09:11

Thats disgusting to be honest, i would have dumped him right there on the spot. no one treats my children like that.

your poor son :'(

SuperheroBirds · 15/04/2019 09:13

I agree with the others who suggested making your son part of your bridal party. Your h2b will be supported by his son, you can be supported by yours. They don’t need exactly the same role, just equivalent/equal ones. For example, could your son walk you down the aisle, or escort the bridesmaids down?

I would definitely not budge on the issue of having your son be part of the wedding party, but exactly what role he has should be up for discussion/compromise.

happinessischocolate · 15/04/2019 09:16

You can dress your son up the same as the groomsmen, you can give him a meaningful role such as walking you up the aisle, but if your H2b still excludes your ds from the "boys" side of the wedding then you still have a massive problem.

I'd discuss with H2b the his daughter as a bridesmaid angle as PPs have suggested, but if he still doesn't "get it" and understand why he is so wrong then I'd be calling off the wedding.

DonutCone · 15/04/2019 09:20

I actually think a lot of posters are underestimating how awful it must feel for the H2B's son. He is the same age as the OP's son and will have to see his Father living with and therefore spending much more time with another child than he does with him. I imagine the father has recognized this and is trying to show his son how important he is to him so he doesn't feel like he's being pushed out.

palomapear · 15/04/2019 09:21

This isn't a good start to your marriage.

Could your son give you away?

It's not really a blending of two families if the two similarly aged boys are divided by your fiancé.

FookMeFookYou · 15/04/2019 09:27

@DonutCone by segregating the OP's son Hmm I think everyone is in agreement that the children are simply pawns here. The H2B needs to get his head out of his ass and realise that this is a sensitive situation that needs careful handling.

Personally if it were me I'd have non-immediate family as guests and just have all the children playing a role for bride and groom.

He seems to be all about 'how things look'

GirlcalledJack · 15/04/2019 09:32

Oh dear Sad
This isn’t going to end well OP.

Even if your soon to be husband ‘allows’ your DS to be a groomsman he has quite clearly shown you where your DS stands in his eyes. It might not be overt and shown everyday but clearly underneath it all he is basically hoping to whitewash him out of your new family.

I would be having a long, deep conversation with your Partner and a long hard think about calling off the wedding.

MissingPanda · 15/04/2019 09:35

Op, it doesn't really matter what role your ds has bestman/usher/bridesman/reading/walking you down the aisle. The problem is your h2b is excluding him by saying he can't wear the same suit/tie as the rest of the wedding party. He's sending a clear message that he doesn't see your ds as part of the family.

"When a man tells you who he is... believe him." Maya Angelou

Your h2b is telling you who he is...listen.

I couldn't marry a man who excluded either of my children...can you?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/04/2019 09:46

OP I may be so far off the mark here but you know that baby boy who you held in your arms,,brought up and protected....well he is 12 yrs old and the same child...no man on this earth would ever tell me what is what regarding my child.Replace the man do not choose his ways to the detriment of your son...If you do I promise you you will cause irrepairable damage to your child....you know this is wrong or you wouldnt have posted.You must be very hurt by all this and rightly so but you owe your child way more than you ever owe this man....He is if needed spelling out telling you he wants you but is only putting up with your son cos he has to as he comes with a package with you....just awful...I hope you do the right thing for your child otherwise it doesnt bear thinking about...

brizzlemint · 15/04/2019 09:47

When you are blending families the whole thing of the bride/grooms side is irrelevant at the wedding - both daughters were bridesmaids and both boys were groomsmen. We didn't (and I don't) differentiate between birth and step children.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/04/2019 09:48

Of course he’s part of the bridal party, he’s your dc ffs!

Petitprince · 15/04/2019 09:51

Who is giving you away?

ZigglesAndPaws · 15/04/2019 09:51

When planning a wedding where there’s children from one or both sides involved, I think you have to make sure you see the event as a joining of two families, not just a joining of two people, and everyone’s needs have to be taken into account.

I think you have to remember that whilst yes, as the bride and groom it is your big day, the kids NEEDS always come before your (*your fiancés) WANTS, and that’s just the way it is.

Your son needs to feel involved, or he’ll feel put out, understandably! Especially as there’s no need for him not to be part of the day...

When my husband and I got married, his 13 Y/O daughter was his ‘Best Girl’ - and took on the role of best man, and she was absolutely amazing. Made a cracking speech and held all the ushers to task! His younger daughter was a bridesmaid.

Didn’t matter at all that it wasn’t the ‘traditional’ set up, it worked brilliantly and everyone was happy.

If your fiancé is worried about odd numbers in photos, I’m pretty sure that given the circumstances, if asked, any of your bridesmaids would step down to ensure that your SON could be involved?

Practically, could your son walk you down the aisle or is he confident enough to do a reading?

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