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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask H2B to include my DS

201 replies

Fedupb2b14 · 15/04/2019 02:16

H2B is having his DS as groomsman & hasn't considered asking my DS. Doesn't want my DS dressed the same as he's not part of the bridal party. Both children are similar age. Feels like my DS is being excluded AIBU?

OP posts:
Tavannach · 15/04/2019 04:07

YADNBU

Rach182 · 15/04/2019 04:22

OP why doesn't he want your son dressed the same as his groomsmen? It seems like such a petty point to stick on. Is it because he wants to distinguish his special relationship with his son? If so, there's more inclusive ways of doing this (e.g. his son keeping the rings for him, his son as a joint best man etc but with his stepson absolutely also a groomsman). Without knowing more, sorry to say but your h2b sounds mean and petty and I wouldn't be putting my child through a marriage that starts with him being publically excluded by his stepfather.

Durgasarrow · 15/04/2019 04:26

He specifically wants his son not just to have a better role than your son, but to make sure that the child's status is clearly marked by having more prestigious clothing. Sounds as if he is making a pretty clear statement that your sonand youare unworthy of being treated as equals in your future family.

Readytogogogo · 15/04/2019 07:12

Please consider whether this is the right person to marry, given that he isn't even attempting to be fair to your son.

HBStowe · 15/04/2019 07:16

He is being a horrible prick. This would be giving me all kinds of red flag vibes. He wants to specifically exclude your son from the ceremony that joins your families. I just could not accept that.

MimiSunshine · 15/04/2019 07:19

What’s the difference between an usher and groomsman?

Either way I’d just be telling future H that your son will be wearing the same outfit as you won’t have him left out and if that is too big an issue for him then you need to discuss the whole wedding

Sosososotired · 15/04/2019 07:21

Hmm I’d be really wary of marrying him. My DH has my DS as a groomsman. It never even crossed his mind not to. Red flags are waving here. A precedent will be set where he includes his son but not yours in things. It’s not fair at all. Have both or neither!

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 15/04/2019 07:22

I came on to say yanbu but....

He also thinks my DS shouldn't be dressed the same as his groomsmen. I feel it's totally alienating my son & hes going to feel left out
This is def unreasonable and you are right.

However, Your son being a groomsman is totally fine (it’s a special role so in that respect YABU) as long as he gets the same outfit.

I’d be having a serious chat about what marriage means with DFiance

stucknoue · 15/04/2019 07:22

The two boys could both be ushers - I don't get the groomsman thing, only appeared from the states recently.

Banhaha · 15/04/2019 07:24

I could understand it if he had said he thought your son should have an important role in the bridal party instead, walk you down the aisle even. But he hasn't.

And insisting on the number of bridesmaids for the photos is strange to me. I'd hate to be the extra one chosen to make the photos look nice.

timeisnotaline · 15/04/2019 07:26

The outfit thing is ridiculous, have your son wear something formal , if it matches the groomsmen so what. Have your son either walk down the aisle with you or as one of your attendants/ bridesman. If he doesn’t like this either then I wouldn’t marry him.

errorofjudgement · 15/04/2019 07:26

Have you asked your H2B why he doesn’t want to have both DS as groomsmen?
Surely it’s one wedding party and you include all the children!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 15/04/2019 07:26

The man's a twat. Run like fuck, or within a year you'll lose your son.

onedayiwillmissthis · 15/04/2019 07:31

I would solve this problem by calling off the wedding. Any man who couldn't understand the problem here is not worth my time.

speakout · 15/04/2019 07:31

OP be wary.
Is this man controlling in other areas too?

I would run for the hills.

Ginger1982 · 15/04/2019 07:37

You need to put your foot down here!

Lonecatwithkitten · 15/04/2019 07:38

Groomsman - horrible American thing. In the UK Best man and ushers. Usually ushers are an even split between bride and grooms side.

LynnTheseAreSexPeople · 15/04/2019 07:41

I'd be worried he wasn't naturally includednif h2b had a DD wouldn't you have made her a bridesmaid?

Newmumma83 · 15/04/2019 07:43

I had my nephew do a reading at my wedding .. he was 12?

As a result he got button hole to wear ... he didn’t dress like the groomsmen but he is from Scotland and he wanted to wear a kilt... which he did and looked gorgeous.

Could he do a reading? We wrote the poem for him ( basically researched options and glued together bits we liked with our own inserts )

But put him in the suit as he is then he is part of the party?
X x

Bookworm4 · 15/04/2019 07:43

Groomsmen it's a made up thing, best man, ushers and page boys for little boys. Both boys should be treated the same, it's your wedding too, why is his son more important?
Personally I'd bin him and the wedding.

Kungfupanda67 · 15/04/2019 07:44

I thought groomsmen and ushers were the same thing? It’s fair enough if his son is best man, then your son should be groomsman/usher, or he could walk you down the aisle and be your ‘best man’
I don’t think it matters if their outfits match exactly, but you can’t have one in bridal party clothes and one just in shirt and tie as a guest

thecatsthecats · 15/04/2019 07:45

My friend's husband talked her out of including me in her bridal party "because the party numbers needed to match".

Everyone really expected me to be a bridesmaid along with the other three - from all our friends to the bride's mum - so I was continually facing questions about it.

It felt fucking horrible to be excluded for that reason. And why am I telling you? Because what your husband is doing is way, way worse. I was a woman in her late twenties who was hurt by a friend. Your DS has to go on living under the same roof as the whole wedding planning, and live with both after.

Stand up for him!

ShaggyRug · 15/04/2019 07:48

I’m telling you now, this will hurt your son and stay with him for life if you let it happen.

At 13 years old this is going to be a blow to him. Hell most likely tell you it’s not. He’ll say all the right things if you asked him about it. But it will hurt him deeply.

NabooThatsWho · 15/04/2019 07:48

I would have a long hard think about whether I wanted to marry a man who treats my child this way.

grumiosmum · 15/04/2019 07:50

Never heard of a groomsman?

Sounds more like an usher?

It seems really odd that your fiance doesn't want to include your DS in the bridal party - you should definitely push back on this!

Your DS is surely the most important male in your life?

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