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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask H2B to include my DS

201 replies

Fedupb2b14 · 15/04/2019 02:16

H2B is having his DS as groomsman & hasn't considered asking my DS. Doesn't want my DS dressed the same as he's not part of the bridal party. Both children are similar age. Feels like my DS is being excluded AIBU?

OP posts:

Jingzhou · 15/04/2019 08:14

That sound lovely Poptart.

BreastSideStory · 15/04/2019 08:15

Oh and for “evenness” in the photos as an excuse ridiculous!

I’m having 8 adult bridesmaids and our 3 girls... DP has got 4 groomsmen including my brother.

Bollocks to trying to make it even for the sake of it, we just picked who we want and who was important to us

cakecakecheese · 15/04/2019 08:15

Has this definitely come from him? Just wondering if say one of his parents has got in his ear?

Either way it's unacceptable that he should be excluding your son and the thing about bridesmaid numbers is odd too. It's easy to get caught up in what 'looks best in the photos' but really it should be about have the closest people to you with you on the day and if that means 2 bridesmaids or 22 it really shouldn't matter.

PristineCondition · 15/04/2019 08:16

when you have existing children a wedding / marriage is not just about two people. It is about all members of the family joining together.

This. Don't let your son become the family's after thought

AgentJohnson · 15/04/2019 08:19

Your post is all about what H wants or doesn’t want in your joint wedding. Why does he get to tell and you get to ask, I suspect there’s a problematic preexisting dynamic here that has been obscured by ‘he’s so good to him’ and being grateful that this man has ‘taken you both on’, thinking.

For a man that’s all about equality, he sure has a funny way of showing it, can you imagine if he had a daughter and you attempted to keep her out of the bridal party.

lyralalala · 15/04/2019 08:22

Is your DS walking you down the aisle?

Your DH is being utterly unreasonable. Normally the fathers of the bride and groom have the same outfit as the groomsmen so it's not even tradition that only the groomsmen wear the same.

It's a big thing that he's shortsighted (or cruel) enough to be deliberately excluding your 13 year old.

SunshineCake · 15/04/2019 08:24

What are you going to do Fedupb2b14?

TanMateix · 15/04/2019 08:26

Let your boy walk you down the aisle

SparklyMagpie · 15/04/2019 08:28

I would be having second thoughts at someone I loved and was due to marry not wanting my child being an equal

UCOinanOCG · 15/04/2019 08:28

Your DS has to have a significant role in the wedding and needs to be dressed the same and included in the photos. I think he has to have a role on your side though and not your DHtoB's side. Walking you down the aisle would be perfect.

Troels · 15/04/2019 08:30

Both boys should have the same role.
I'd be rethinking this marriage. He may spend more time with your Ds, but it seems like he doesn't value him as family.

SnapesGreasyHair · 15/04/2019 08:31

I find it odd that the OP didn't give her DS a "role" on her side from the beginning but is expecting her h2b to do so and now isn't happy that he's done exactly what she had done.

finn1020 · 15/04/2019 08:36

It’s really mean not to include him. Both boys should have an equal role. Both the kids should be treated equally in the family but this is saying one is more important, and more “family” than the other. You really need to have a long conversation about how you intend to blend this into one family and this is not a good start.

MumofTinies · 15/04/2019 08:37

I would solve this problem by calling off the wedding. Any man who couldn't understand the problem here is not worth my time.

This! Massive red flags here.

Hippywannabe · 15/04/2019 08:37

I think this is a hurtful exclusion. I understand that your son is quiet and may not actually want a big role though but he should be wearing the same clothes and have a 'title'!
When DS2 got married, DS1 (asd) and DS3 were best men. DS1 didn't stand up, didn't do a speech or hold rings and in fact, because he had been told he only needed to wear the suit and look the part for the pics, when we entered the fabulous ancient manor hall reception room for the meal, was sat in shorts, tshirt and baseball cap...

regmover · 15/04/2019 08:38

The thing that jumps out at me is "he's not part of the bridal party". He should be, and should have been from day 1. It's worrying really Op that you've allowed that situation to even be a thing. It probably would be worth reconsidering the marriage for many of the reasons given above, but I suspect that you'll go ahead.

FookMeFookYou · 15/04/2019 08:39

This would be a sticking point for me OP. He is your child and just as, if not more important than some of the people who your H2B considers part of the bridal party.

He sounds incredibly precious and I can't believe he thinks this is ok.

I'm shocked tbh. YANBU but he definitely is, very much so.

WinterWife · 15/04/2019 08:40

If I was a guest at your wedding, I'd find it really disturbing if your son wasn't wearing the same as all the other bridal party nor have a role but his son was/did.
Huge, huge red flags OP.

Hippywannabe · 15/04/2019 08:41

(And for clarification, DS1 is phenomenally intelligent so totally understood the role of best man, but due to him having very rigid views and opinions and not having the social awareness skills to not share them, he wouldn't have coped with the pressure of best man tasks.)

florentina1 · 15/04/2019 08:42

I would have your son escort you down the aisle as Charles did for Meghan. He can have a dark suit and then add a tie the the same colour as bridesmaids dresses.

Imadehimlikethat · 15/04/2019 08:42

I'm assuming the extra third bridesmaid is someone HE wanted included?

Together you need to find an equal role for your two sons. Not necessarily the same but certainly equal.
I assume the groomsmen will also match whoever walks you down the aisle so DS def needs to match. Otherwise he's just the kid no one wants sat on the side in a random trousers and shirt. And that evidence will be in every group photo. Look at our new family. And the sin she had with someone else.

No.

MrsMozartMkII · 15/04/2019 08:42

Ouch.

Your son is going to be the only member of the (new) immediate family who wasn't part of the wedding group. And it'll be because your new husband didn't want him included.

Really not nice or right or kind or fair.

binkyblinky · 15/04/2019 08:44

That poor boy. When I married my husband, my eldest son gave me away and my youngest son was his best man. They all wore identical suits which my husband bought! They were 7 and 5 at the time.
Our children are our most precious things and this is awful for him. Huge red flag there

Pumpkintopf · 15/04/2019 08:44

I would solve this problem by calling off the wedding. Any man who couldn't understand the problem here is not worth my time.

Agreed.

youarenotkiddingme · 15/04/2019 08:45

A groomsman is an usher
GM is American and Usher is British.

I would simply explain that yes - your ds will be an usher thanks and as that is an equal role to GM he will be wearing same suit.

It's not a request. It's what will happen if he wants you there on they day!

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